This thread is so gay

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Psyclone
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Psyclone » 02 Jul 2015, 17:55

Ouch, Ditto. Not that I don't agree on a lot of points, but ouch.

Seconding Fayili's request to move the religion discussion. Even as a person who really loves the bible, I hear these arguments enough in the real world and I'm pretty over it. I'd rather have this space where I don't have to worry about religion.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 07 Sep 2015, 09:52

Sent a message to a friend of mine... and I've read what I sent again and I realised that if you read between the lines, I've inadvertently almost outed myself.

So, I might get an interesting reply if he reads what I wrote in a certain way.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Ptangmatik » 07 Sep 2015, 10:02

You'll probably be ok unless he already thinks of you as gay, humans tend to fix an idea of what other people are like in or minds then only notice details that confirm that initial image unless they're we're actively trying to investigate a hypothesis.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 07 Sep 2015, 11:38

I'm not gay, but I was talking about homosexaulity. I'll PM the nature of the message as to avoid an explosion.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 19 Oct 2015, 04:50

Giving this a reply and a bump!

So, I went to visit my boyfriend for three weeks back in August and it went REALLY frickin' well. The first week was spent mostly getting a feel for one another and getting used to even being around one another, but after the first couple of days we were settling into routines and by mid way through the second week we were sharing a bed most nights.

It was really nice. Oddly enough it was the more domestic stuff that sticks out to me - stuff like making meals together, going grocery shopping. That sort of thing. His parents were super nice too and by the end of my time there his mom was treating me like a part of the family. Which, for someone who doesn't particularly have a great relationship with his own parents, was a bit of an adjustment.

Our time together also helped solidify the notion that I am in fact most likely a gray asexual / demi-sexual with a homoromantic romantic orientation. Which considering my boyfriend is asexual ... not so much of a problem!

His parents are also cool with the fact we're involved. ...Admittedly they didn't out and out find out until I was waiting to board the flight home - I'd been texting with his mom and just decided to ask her since we'd assumed for a good week or so that they must know - but despite that they were totally fine with it.

Since getting back to the country I've acquired an iPhone and have been messaging him (and his family!) pretty regularly. He's starting a three week clinical work placement today as part of the phlebotomy course he's been on so it'll be interesting to see how we handle that.

Thing is ... I really want the life I saw I could have there. I loved Texas. Sure it's not perfect but being there with him...it was REALLY nice. I don't think I've ever felt so at ease. Hence why I'm starting to look into immigration options with a time frame of about two years. We're both really committed to making this work. It won't be easy but we both want this so badly.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby JustAName » 19 Oct 2015, 05:25

That's so adorable. I'm really happy for you, Fenrir. I did the long distance thing for five years, and now that I'm finally here for (hopefully) good, it's pretty frickin' amazing. Making meals together, going shopping... it just makes it feel real and permanent. And it's good. Best of luck going forward!
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 19 Oct 2015, 05:39

Thanks :)

Yeah. See, that was when it kind of sank in for me. Not just the making meals and that but actually getting to give input on what we should eat for a few day period. It's a silly little thing but it felt really nice.

I actually even cooked for him and his family myself. THAT was terrifying! The other half helped me improve on the recipe though and thankfully everyone liked it enough to have seconds. Hell, he's even taken the recipe to use himself!

I'm in the process of looking into immigration options at the minute, like I say, so we'll see how that goes. He's also in the process of finishing up his phlebotomy course (this month actually) and his brother gets out of the Marines hopefully in February, so I think we're waiting to see what happens when things calm down.

I'm planning at least one visit next year, though with his conservative Catholic grandma (who doesn't know he's gay) living with him and his parents now I don't know how we're going to approach that.

But god do I love that man.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Jamfalcon » 19 Oct 2015, 09:16

That's so awesome, I'm really happy for you! :mrgreen:
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 19 Oct 2015, 22:27

Thank you :)
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 20 Oct 2015, 08:05

Sorry for the double post but...

Sooo ... I may have just outed myself in a letter I've written out to a relative of mine in the States. Since I'm looking into immigration now - and I have family in the US / two of my cousins X times removed are lawyers - I wanted to try to approach her for help again. Or at least to be put in contact with the previously mentioned cousins.

Thing being ... I don't want to hide *why* I'm doing this. I shouldn't have to. If they're going to help me at all I want them to know why I'm doing what I'm doing. If they have a problem with my relationship then that's when I cut ties there.

I guess I'm just a little afraid because I don't know how they'll react, but I'm so fucking tired of having to refer to my boyfriend as my "friend" with certain people....
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 20 Oct 2015, 08:18

Sometimes it's too tiring dancing around it and it's just easier to say it straight.

I outed my bisexuality to my sister because I was tired of trying to explain why I had difficulty working out how I felt towards this guy in tactical use of language. I allowed me to say simply "I wasn't sure if my feelings were romantic or not, because they were deep feelings".

She the only close person I have who I've told of my sexuality because I was simply too lazy avoid talking about it when I was talking about it.

My sister responded with ignorance. She thought bisexuality was where you wanted to be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time (no idea how she thought of that).

You might be surprised at how, undramatic outting yourself is.
---
That said, I haven't outted myself to any of my other close connections because I don't know how they'd react. I have a concern if I told them prior my baptism it would, complicate things.
Part of me thinks that they don't need to know unless it's relevant.
Another part of me thinks it's a part of me and they should know. And it sort of bothers me when people presume I am heterosexual. Which is ironic, because when I was a teenager it bothered me when people thought I was homosexual.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 23 Oct 2015, 11:22

Yeah, no kidding. I think in this instance especially I really want to have all the cards on the table, you know? It would almost...tarnish it, I guess?...if they did help with knowing the truth. If I lied just to gain their approval. Fuck that shit.

Also...the boyfriend is busy with his day job and I'm wishing I could be there to be with him when he gets home of an evening. I am la sad face.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Fenrir » 08 Nov 2015, 06:41

Well.....she's cool with it. I got a response from my relative in America and, yeah, she's totally fine with it. I apparently have some queer relatives State Side too. Go figure! Calculated risk paid off.

....I may now have indirectly outted myself to a cousin of mine. Gonna wait and see how THAT plays out....
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 08 Nov 2015, 20:52

Oh, to hell with it. I'm doing the thing. I've wanted to for months, but I keep convincing myself not to.

Hi. My name is Arclight_Dynamo, and I'm bi.

I'm not out about it - only two people (my psychiatrist, who is legally sworn to secrecy, and a friend in another country) know. No one in my immediate life - least of all my family - knows. As secrets go, that's pretty safe, eh?

(With that in mind, and knowing that I've posted my Twitter account here, could I ask that people refrain from mentioning this on Twitter? I'd rather tell my family on my own terms, if at all, rather than have them find out from the internet.)

Heck, I didn't even know until two Augusts ago. I'd have been 27 when I figured it out. I put that to having been raised and educated Catholic (that didn't stick, by the way - I'm an atheist now). I felt normal, and normal meant straight, so I was straight (I mean... that's what they said normal was...). To the point that I wasn't even attracted to men, ever. Well, mostly ever.

How's that for internalized heteronormativity and homophobia?

Basically, I lived my entire life as a straight guy. Never even considered I might not be. I sure felt straight.

Then... surprise! Turns out, not so much. Which was a bit of a shock, and has taken some adjusting.

I'm fine with it, if you're wondering. Happy to be bi. Happy to call myself that, even. But, dang it, I'm tired of no one knowing. I want to actually say it, you know?

So... I'm here. Turns out I'm queer? Still getting used to it. :?
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Jamfalcon » 08 Nov 2015, 21:30

It means a lot that you trusted us all enough to choose here as the first place to (more publically) come out. :) And of course, I'm sure none of us would bring it up on Twitter.

I don't really have much to add to the conversation, so I'll just say congratulations on figuring out something pretty big about who you are!
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 09 Nov 2015, 08:04

I realised I was bisexual when I watched Torchwood Children of Earth when Ianto said: "It's not all men, it's just him".

It clicked. I realised, that I was bisexual. It didn't mean I found all men and women attractive. It just meant I could be attracted to either a man or a woman.
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The problems I have faced is people naively not even thinking bisexuality is a thing (much less know of asexuality), and working out what I feel towards someone.
Am I sexually attracted to them? Or are they a sibling to me and I think about them a lot?
Is this erection because I am attracted to them, or is it because I am very happy to be having some intimate interaction?
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 09 Nov 2015, 15:32

Jamfalcon:

Well, thank you. All of you, actually - I've been lurking in this thread for quite a while. Doing that let me see that this is a friendly, safe place. It feels right to talk here. :)

Merrymaker_Mortalis:

Ha. I was a little different. I didn't allow myself to think I was anything other than straight on such a deep level, I was unaware of any attraction to men at all. Period. Totally subconscious. Any attractions I did somehow manage to feel were minor, and easily dismissed by my heteronormative brain.

Until, one day, I found myself very attracted to a guy (in a film, alas, not in real life). My brain couldn't deny it any longer, and so it began to allow itself to consider it might be attracted to other men. Bam! No longer straight. Or, rather, never straight, but now I was allowed by my brain to know I wasn't.

Went through a period thinking of myself as "not quite straight." Then, "not straight." Then, finally, "yup, bi."

And, yeah, I've run into bi erasure and outright homophobia. Even from people in my extended family, which really sucks. Luckily, I guess, everyone thinks I'm 100% straight, so I don't have to deal with it directly.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 09 Nov 2015, 15:56

People presume I'm 100% straight despite being very myself last week in Spain. Something about the culture there which lets me comfortable express my more effeminate side (I don't mean my sexual attraction is related to how lady-like I am. It's just, feeling more comfortable with myself).

My friend in Spain is very, latin. He's straight, but quite, expressive. If he was British you would assume he was a stereotypical homosexual. So it was wonderful to spend time in his company. That's one way of being comfortable with yourself is by being around someone who is an amplification of all your characteristics.

Alas I am back in Britain where it's cold and wet and all I want to do is hibernate and retreat into my heterosexual shell.

There's a war going on in my mind of confidence vs timidness.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Psyclone » 10 Nov 2015, 11:41

Arclight_dynamo, congratulations! (Is that weird thing to say?) Jamfalcon is right, it means a lot. And coming out can definitely be a very freeing feeling, so I'm glad this particular coming out experience was good for you.

I wish you the best of luck coming out to anyone else you choose to come out to, as well, and we're definitely here to help you through that if you want.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby CamelKnackRambleHort » 10 Nov 2015, 19:52

Glad you felt you could come out here Arclight_dynamo. I think coming out online is a great thing to do. It is really nice to be able to express yourself properly somewhere. If you need friends to talk to this is a great place.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 11 Nov 2015, 14:56

Thanks, Psyclone and CamelKnackRambleHort (I still love that username, by the way).

It does feel pretty good to have a place to be open about things. :D

Edit: No, really, I can spell...
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 20 Nov 2015, 16:47

So a few days ago, someone I follow on Twitter posted what looks like screengrabs from Tumblr. He did it to highlight just how shitty the comments there were:

Image
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Now, I'm not currently in a relationship, but, well, I am bi. It's conceivable I'd be in an opposite-sex relationship at some point. And I'd still be bi, thank you.

I know those comments are serious BS. And I know most people would agree they're BS.

Thing is, though, I'm kind of new to this and a little insecure. I'd expect these sorts of views from certain people outside the LGBT community. That I can handle. But this stuff seems to be coming from "my team," as it were, and that's a little disheartening to me.

I can't imagine that these attitudes are widespread, but it does shake my belief that LGBT folk would have my back on stuff. Maybe they just... won't. At all. Or rather, I wouldn't know if someone would or would not have my back, despite ostensibly being part of the same community. It makes safe and welcoming spaces unsafe and unwelcoming, just because of the uncertainty. That sucks.

I was thinking I maybe would like to attend my city's pride festival at some point... but depending on how prevalent this attitude is... maybe I don't want to. I think I might feel unwelcome and unsafe.

:(
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Psyclone » 20 Nov 2015, 18:12

Biphobia is unfortunately very real in the lgbtq community - often from lesbians, who do have their reasons, but it's not an excuse and it does suck :( however, depending on how big your city is and how big your pride parade is, there will probably be straight folks there. So even if you're in an opposite-sex relationship, you won't stick out. That feeling of unease and unwelcome is still very real, of course, but you're most likely not in danger.
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 20 Nov 2015, 18:56

Thanks. I mean... I knew biphobia existed in the LGBT community. I guess this tweet just hit me with it in a bad way, I suppose. Maybe I thought it wouldn't be so... vitriolic? Seems there's a lot of hostility I wasn't expecting.

I dunno... maybe it's my anxiety disorder speaking, but I feel that, if I were to go to pride, I'd always have in the back of my mind that I'm not actually welcome there. I'd be, at best, tolerated. Because it's apparently not for me.

It's great that I wouldn't stick out (Ottawa is big enough for that), but there would still be the potential for a hostile reaction if I were to say "Hey. I'm bi."

Guess I was expecting that not to be true at a pride event.

I dunno... I think I'm just babbling here. But this really got under my skin.

:(
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Re: This thread is so gay

Postby Psyclone » 20 Nov 2015, 19:52

I can't quite empathize because I'm not bi, but as an ace person I do often get the sense that the community isn't for me. I'd say a lot of people are in that canmp that we aren't "real" lgbtq people, but I think the majority of the community IS on our side.

It's totally legit to feel weird about that, though.
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