The depressing depression thread

[Lord Chrusher]

I think I am suffering from a little bit of post PhD depression. I am feeling quite rudderless right now. I think I am on edge about not knowing what I am going to be doing now.

I feel burnt out.

Edit:

I am doing what I should have done two weeks ago and going up to Byron Bay to stay with friends for a few days.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Having a period of feeling disconnected from everything, and feeling alone, so, why am I posting this? Because it's easier to tell myself things in this medium than trying to repeat it to myself in my own head. Writing it down takes it from a thought and gives it a physical shape in the form of letters.

I am not alone!

If I just take the time to reach out to people around me, friends I haven't spoken to in long, this forum filled with wonderful individuals that I admire and adore, a Guild I'm part of but haven't spoken in for a long time... if I reach out, and speak up, I know that will get responses of concern, care, support and love, and with that in mind I will keep reminding myself...

I am not alone!

Inclusive-five!

[Darkobra]

Hey, Deedles! I go on Skype to talk pretty much only to you since nobody else talks to me on it. So if you ever want to talk, I am here!

May or may not be wearing clothes. But hey! Eye candy!

[Koyote042]

And that makes your father a prick. Unless you punched him in the face it's his fault, not yours. So stop blaming yourself!

The sad part is only my mother and my father know just the right things to make me feel like shit, even though I have done nothing wrong. As it is, I am going to stop working at the Red Cross just so I can avoid him since the chances of running into him at the office is pretty high. Contrary to his popular belief, is that I abhor confrontation. I would just assume remove myself from the situation. And the Red Cross isn't the place to air out dirty laundry. So I am done on so many different levels. I am going to use the reason that I need to take care of my wife (which I do), but I will remain silent about the true nature of my father.

[AdmiralMemo]

Right now, I feel so terrible that I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

[Tapir12]

Memo, I don't know if this helps, but a couple weeks ago a good friend of mine had to kick her brother out of her house and make him homeless. It was really really difficult for her to do and I know she struggled with it before and after, but she stands by her decision. He's staying at a shelter and while she keeps tabs on him and makes sure he's ok, she hasn't invited him back almost a month later.

[AdmiralMemo]

Had you said that any time between November and January, I might have been more receptive. However, now that they're actually moving on building again, it's just like "We're so close! I just have to hang on a little longer."

Also, what does that mean for the animals? Stuck in a shelter? For how long?

See, to be fair, I really only want to kick my dad out. My mom's fine. The animals, while sometimes annoying, are usually fine. It's just my dad that's the problem. However, if I kick him out, will my mom just go along? Would she stay? Also, how would that affect the insurance paying for housing?

These are all questions running through my head.

[Darkobra]

If it's affecting your health, solve the big issue and the little issues will solve themselves.

[Dutch guy]

@Memo, have you discussed the matter with just your mother (or father) separately? My mother is sometimes (but not often) able to talk some sense into my dad if he is being unreasonable/crazy.

[AdmiralMemo]

I've discussed it several times with my mother, and she's very understanding. I have a good relationship with her. But he's stubborn, and she can't do much that I can't with him. But, as I keep seeing progress on the house, I continue to have hope.

[Lord Chrusher]

Byron Bay was nice but I don't feel a lot better.

[Ptangmatik]

Chrusher m'lad, you've just achieved one of the biggest things you're ever going to do. Companies will be clamouring for you to work for them, remarkably intelligent people highly value your opinion and you're one of the brightest people that anyone on this forum has any contact with.

Feeling a bit burnt out after all that mad rush and daunted by the absurd amount of possibility that is now open to you is only natural, you've now got the rest of your life to sort out at some point.

Just remember that there is no rush to make the decision, and that no matter what you do, it'll most likely be a good choice. This is because you're a calm, rational, intelligent person. (I have now failed to spell 'intelligent' twice)

What do you think you might like to do? Continue researching? Join or even start a business? Strip naked and paddle across the Atlantic in one of those swan-shaped paddle boats? No worries.

[2stepz]

Chrusher - you can come work on my PhD research and let me take a vacation for you...

Just kidding... sorta.

The isolation of independent research does not help with depression and social anxiety, regardless of appearances. I miss... people.

[Myrph]

In 2 hours I have my first session with my face to face therapist. All things considered, I'm looking forward to it, and given my meltdown the other week, I don't think it could've come at a better time.

[Keab42]

Hope it went OK for you Myrph.

[The Jester]

Yeah, I hope so too.

[AdmiralMemo]

Why do I bother doing anything anymore? No one cares... People just do what they want without any consideration for me...

I'm so neglected and alone...

[JustAName]

Hey, don't say that. Do you want to talk?

[AdmiralMemo]

Yes! By which I mean, I want to actually talk to someone, rather than typing over the Internet. Otherwise, you're just a bunch of unruly pixels and not actual people.

[Elomin Sha]

Skype?

[AdmiralMemo]

AdmiralMemo is my Skype name. I have it on all the time, due to work concerns.

[AdmiralMemo]

All I'm doing is existing... I'm not really living...

Is mere existence really worth anything?

[RytelCSF]

I really shouldn't be posting this here, since realistically I don't actually have depression, but this seemed like an appropriate place. I apologize in advance though, and feel free to delete/ban as necessary. I'll understand.

I'm sick of being worthless.

Now, I can already see you typing away telling me that of course I'm not worthless, because I must be good at something. I must have had some measurable level of success in my life. And you're not wrong. But those successes are effectively meaningless. They apply to things that socially, have no value. And that's why I'm worthless. Socially, I bring nothing to the table. I want people to like me but I don't give them any reason to like me. I don't have any skills or qualities that make me stand out.

In essence, I'm the platonic version of the archetypal "Nice Guy," who can't understand why no one likes him. Except that I understand it perfectly, but that doesn't mean I can do anything about it.

I'm sick of ruminating on the quote "Being a nerd isn't about what you like, it's about how you like it" and realizing that whatever it is I like, I don't like it correctly or properly, due to my lack of dedication. I'm sick of watching other people enjoy themselves and wishing I could enjoy things with them but knowing that I'd just drag things down due to being unskilled. I'm sick of spending dozens of hours becoming knowledgeable at something in the hopes that maybe this time I'll be good enough only to abort at the last second because I know that I'm still not good enough.

I'm sick of people telling me not to worry about what others think of me. I csn't afford not to worry about what others think of me. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it in the hopes that I'll make friends by it. And no matter what some people might say, the world isn't full of jerks. I refuse to believe that. Most people are good people. If I'm not good enough for them, that's my problem, not theirs, and I don't see why I shouldn't take responsibility for my own shortcomings.

I'm sick of feeling nothing but stress at everything that's supposed to be fun and relaxing. I'm sick of spending the time before every social encounter feeling like I'm studying for an exam (and in some ways, I am). I'm sick of having to work for my fun and endure before I've earned my fun, because from this point of view, it's all work and endurance, and I've never gotten to the fun part.

I'm sick of never belonging, always being on the outside looking in and knowing that there's just no room for me wherever "in" is, and if they make room, it's out of politeness, not desire. I can't stand being tolerated anymore. I want to be liked.

But no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can't possess the skill and dedication it takes to earn that like.

And I'm starting to think I never will.

Again, I'm sorry for posting this. I'm depressed, but this isn't depression and I shouldn't pretend it is. This is just me being a piece of shit and being unable to cope with that. I shouldn't be posting this, but honestly I'm going to anyway, if only so that maybe I'll be properly told to shut up and deal with it and maybe for once I'll actually do it. Because I've felt this way as long as I can remember, and I don't think it's ever going to stop. The least I can do is to stop inconveniencing others by endlessly retelling it.

[Tapir12]

RytelCSF, how did you get into my head and write out all my thoughts?

[Lord Hosk]

So the whole situation at fort hood has really hit me harder than I thought. Too my knowledge the only three people I know at the post, Dix included, are safe. It took me a long time to come to the realization.

I started from the point of fear and frustration another attack? how could this happen, those guys were home from war they shouldn't have to worry about a terrorist at home.

then as more came to light I came to a point of anger, why was this guy able to have a gun on post, gun control in this country is a fucking joke. but that wasnt it either, that didnt strike true to me.

so as more emerged from the story I was pissed off at the guy, what you did a 4 month deployment, go to mental health and say you have PTSD and you are all pissed off what kinda bullshit is, wait...

There are going to be a lot of reports going around blaming this guy, and he shoulders a lot of blame but let me lay something out for you.

A soldier under stress, he moved from the support network he had spent a lifetime developing to a base in Texas, he then went to war, and something happened, I dont know what happened it doesn't matter. He came home, to a wife and child or children who dont know what happened, maybe he doesnt understand himself maybe he just doesnt want to burdon them, I dont know, we dont know. We know that he was seeing a mental health professional and he was on medication, thats a key point here that I think will be brushed under the table. In the military you cannot, I say again, CAN NOT be forced to go to mental health. You can be ordered to do a lot of things, you can be ordered to stand on one leg in a rain storm and bark at everyone who walks past you, its stupid its embarrassing, but you have to follow that order, you can be ordered to go see a doctor if you fall down during PT and someone things you might have hit your head, you can be ordered to pick up a stick and charge up a hill into a enemy machine gun emplacement, but you cant be ordered to go to mental health, you have to go voluntarily.

This soldier recognized that something was wrong, he knew that even though the people in his unit might make fun of him, that it might, even though it officially cant, might hurt his chances at promotion, he went to seek help, he probably saw multiple people because he got medication and very few people in mental health can prescribe medication. He did the right thing, he sought help. I am not even remotely going to say that this justifies what he did, but the system didnt just fail to protect the 3 soldiers he killed it didnt just fail to protect the 15 other people he hurt, it failed to protect him. He knew something was wrong, he went for help, and yet this happened.

Back to the medications, I dont know what he was on, and again I dont know his situation, here is what I do know. The number one side effect of anti-depressants and Anti-psychotic medications is "may cause severe depression, and suicidal or homicidal thoughts" from what my wife, the nurse, says as high as 1 in 10 people who take one of these drugs experience this, that is one of the reason there are 50 on the market, if A doesnt work you try B, if B doenst work you try C, until you get what works for the patient.

The last step the General said "the gun was recently purchased" He was on medication for mental illness, under a doctors care, and he was able to purchase a firearm?

Now onto why this hits me personally so hard. "There but by the grace of God go I."

I have been very open about my own struggles with mental health but for those who might not be aware.

When I was deployed to Afghanistan I experiences some terrible things, the first was a rocket attack which should have killed me the second I still dont have the fortitude to talk about. But as a result of those things I really spun downward fast and hard, I saw this so I talked to people, I went to the chaplin who listened, comforted, and then took me for a walk over to the mental health office because he knew my problems were beyond his ability, and again someone saved my life. after I was going to see the doctor he prescribed me some light sleep aids, then some stronger sleep aids and then what he alluded to being something else to help me sleep but was a pretty powerful anti-psycotic Quetiapine/serequil, a drug so powerful that doctors are told to encourage people to tell their loved ones and co workers they are on it and to watch for changed in behavior. The company that makes this tells doctors to have their patients warn others. I was put on this drug, misled about its intended use and no one in my chain of command knew I was on it, yet I was walking around with a loaded semi-automatic weapon and hundreds of rounds of ammunition for months. I told my wife about what was going on and she called the chain of command back home and said "My husband is going to kill himself or someone else. He is on drugs that are messing with his mind." She saved my life, and probably others too.

I dont know and we will likely never know what was going on with this man, but here is what I do know. He tried to get help and he didnt get it.

I dont blame his councilor, I dont blame his commander or his NCOs for the people he killed or those he hurt that was all on him. But he talked to people, he tried to get help, and clearly he didnt get the help he needed. I dont know what help he needed but 4 caskets and 15 injured says that people didnt do what they should have to help him.

I have been in the mental health system by a psychiatrist "you seem to be fine, there are other people who are worse off than you, so I dont think we need to make another appointment there are other people way worse than you, you should be happy"
WHAT THE FUCK?

I dont disagree, there were and are people who are struggling much more than I was and am but I need/needed help, I sought that help out and I was brushed aside.

This is a tragic story about a man who killed other people, but its also a story about what happens when people who need help have guns, and lest we forget a tragedy where the system failed to help someone who asked for help.

There are widows where this morning there were a wives, and orphans where there were children with fathers because he didn't get the help he needed and took 4 lives.