The Final Fantasy Rant

[Gordon Fearman]

So, I was playing TF2 when I overheard people saying that Final Fantasy 9 was gay. I believe that 9 is completely under-appreciated. My main question is: why does everyone like 7 and 8 over 9? (Disclaimer: I love all Final Fantasies. Except X-2 and 2)

Also, this is best read if you imagine Stuttering Craig from www.screwattack.com

Final Fantasy VII
My biggest concern with FF7 is all of the FAKE PLATFORMING! Holy crap, why is there so much fake platforming. It's insane. You may be wondering, "what fake platforming?" and I'll tell you. Actually I'll give you an example. Remember the Nibelheim reactor. Remember all of those jumps you had to make? Remember how hard it was to figure that out because the foreground and the background are essentially the same? Now look at the Nibelheim reactor in Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII. That's right, no fake platforming. You walk into the reactor, and then you're on the bridge. It's a straight line. That's what I'm talking about. FF7 had you take retarded convoluted routes just so you could jump over stuff. But you could only jump in one stupid spot. It took me 5 minutes to get from Aeris' house to the playground because of that junkyard. It took me a day to clear the train graveyard because I couldn't see where I was supposed to jump. When I was 6.

The other main concern with 7 is how similar every character is in battle. The materia system doesn't really have the interesting points that the class system had. You also didn't have the level of customization that you have with, say, the license system. In the end all of you characters ended up being the same.

One minor concern that I'll bring up is one addressed to everyone who thinks Sephiroth is the ultimate badass. Now Sephiroth may have a giant sword but you all forget that the dude is essentially a faerie. Seriously, besides the stabbing part he is a faerie. He flies around (see: all the time), he helps clear enemies (see: the first assault on the Shinra building and the Midgar Zolomb), and he gives you items.

But wait a second Fearman! Sephiroth never gives you items.

Oh but he does! The first time you visit the Shinra Mansion (the first real time you walk around, beat an optional boss, get Vincent, goto Gast's lab, and then see Sephiroth reminiscing I guess. And instead of having an epic confrontation (cause I mean, you've been hunting this guy for roughly half the game now) or indeed any boss fight he throws a materia at you and flies away. That's right, Sephiroth incapacitates you not by using the materia, but by throwing it at you. It also turns out that it's destruct materia and that'll really help take down Sefer Sephiroth. So yeah, this guy is a faerie.

Lastly, why does this game have 3 art styles? There's the main screen style (where everyone looks mad blocky), the battle screen (where people look <gasp> normal), and the fake cinematic style (where suddenly everyone has mouths...?). That last style showed up like twice and was really weird.

Among the overlooked positives include you play an insane guy, your main weapons is one which in the manual is described as being 200 pounds and able to take down buildings in one swing, you play with Mr T mixed with Megaman, and you are a terrorist. Awesome!

Actually one more negative: Cait Sith. Screw that guy. The only positive is that the first time you meet him he's humping the air.

Final Fantasy VIII
The biggest complaint about this game is that the battle system is TERRIBLE. You know what I don't wanna do every time I attack someone? That's right, see a 30 second cutscene. Every single time. EVERY TIME! The GF system is one of the worst in the series. And so is the magic system. You have to spend the whole game drawing magic from everything you meet. You know how tedious that is? It also meant that you couldn't use magic without having to draw again. I'm not doing that! The only thing magic was good for was equipping all your sleeps to attack and then giving them a pinwheel of sleep to the face. And raising your health.

And then there's the biggest cop out in FF history. "Oh it turns out we're all from the same orphanage. Why don't we remember each other? It must be the summons." It was never even alluded to that summons caused memory failure. That was so dumb. And if it did why didn't Squall forget Ellone? (Ellone, like 'alone'? I think that has significance.)

Also, limits were really hard to ever use. They were only available when you had critical health, and when you had critical health you weren't worrying about limits. You were trying not to die goddammit!

Minor problems, Cid is the biggest pansy ever! You return to Balamb Garden to find out that those weird headless guys were taking it over and releasing dinosaurs on the students (if I become a teacher I'm doing this). So you go around killing every single one of the bastards to find out that Headmaster Cid is downstairs talking to some weird blob thing that likes to hide in the basement. Yeah that's weird. Anyway, you go down, see Cid get bitch slapped. Then you kick that things ass. Then you remember to tell Cid that theyre are MISSILES HEADING FOR THE SCHOOL! Well, golly, let's not evacuate or anything. Instead let's go further down into the basement because apparently the place used to be a bomb shelter. Cid then says that he'll be upstairs (presumably crying) while you take care of things. So you save Garden by turning it into a zeppelin or something and goto find Cid. Oh wait, where is he? Well you goto sick bay and find out that he's died. That's right, he's dead. How? Who cares? And I don't mean I don't care. I mean no one in the game cares! The conversation goes like this:

Squall: "..." Scar touching.
Doctor: "Oh hey, so you beat that weird pussbag. Great! By the way Cid died and now your headmaster!"

And then you leave. There's no inquiry or anything! Everyone just naturally accepts that he's dead. I mean, no one liked him anyway. There isn't even a funeral. Later on in the game you goto Edea's house/your orphanage and find-what the hell!? What are you doing here? You're dead! That's right, Cid has just been hiding hear since that missile attack. He claims it's so Squall can take charge but I think that it's more like he was the hugest pansy ever. He told you to save Garden and then promptly faked his death (not convincingly. There isn't even a body) and ran as fast as he could, leaving all those school kids to die. Best...teacher...ever. Whatever, he ain't getting back no floating school when this is done.

Along with Cid, you know who else is a pansy? EVERYONE ELSE! Everyone you meet is just a pansy, I guess to show off Squall's badassitude. I mean, Irving is supposed to be the greatest sniper ever and then he starts crying when he should be shooting people. What a punk.

Lastly, Seifer's job hunt! Seifer starts out as SOLDI-I mean seeD (not to be confused with CD). Then he works for the Sorceress. You fight him like 3 times or whatever and each time he has a new speech about how he works for the Sorceress and each time he claims that he fills a different employment spot (with the last one being knight). Dude, could you stay in a job for like 3 days without transferring?

Now for the awesome. Right off the bat, you play as a jackass! That's awesome. Everyone else is like "Ooh save people." And you're all like "shut up!" You even say that. Zell offers to give you information and you can just tell him to shut up and sit down. In fact the default response to every question you can choose the response in is 'No'. Next, Laguna. He is the best character. I mean, his theme song is awesome (Man With the Machine Gun), he's optimistic, and he totally strikes out with the ladies. First he kills like 3 squadrons of dudes. Then he totally fails with the ladies. Then he's an exterminator, where he totally fails with the ladies. Then he captures a Sorceress! Awesome! I mean she can hurl fireballs the size of a skyscraper and he just shoves her into space. More or less. How do you top that!? He becomes President! For more than 10 years! Dude, wouldn't it be awesome if our President was like that!?

Lastly, you have a sword, that's also a gun. In fact, everyone has swords that are also guns. Yeah!

Oh wait, one more bad thing. At the very end of the game you're walking through time purgatory or something and Quistis says "Be careful not to fall into a time warp." What made you a Time Lord all of a sudden? What would that even look like?

Final Fantasy IX
And here it is, my favourite Final Fantasy. I actually have a hard time saying anything bad about this game.

Anyway, I guess the main villain is way to androgynous. Actually, screw androgynous, he totally looks like a chick. You can't tell me you've played this game and not thought that Kuja was a chick. Dude has long-ass white hair, dresses in like a...thing that girls would wear(?) and talks about theatre all the time. Dude looks so much like a chick. I mean, Sephiroth had longer hair and worse graphics and I still instantly knew he was a guy. You have no excuse Kuja! And that was really confusing to plot too because everyone's always talking about a man in white. What man in white? All I see is some chick in white. Wait! Holy crap!

Then there is catching frogs. Don't do it. Don't ever do it. It's so bloody hard. I mean not only is hard to actually catch the frogs, but you also have to leave like a male, a female, and a gold frog (the gold ones like to watch I guess?) in order to get more. But it still takes like 5 hours for a pond to repopulate. DAMMIT! Weird thing though. When you get 99 frogs Quale will fight you. And then you kill him. At least that's what I thought cause he keels over and disappears. And then he's fine. Yeah...

Now here's what people most often don't like about the game:

All the thousand minigames. Yeah, there are a lot of minigames in 9. A lot. Like, before your 3rd fight you're in a minigame. Actually, within the first 10 minutes you can opt to start jump roping and playing cards. But most of those games were fun. Cards was fun, jump roping not so much, I just covered frogs. The sword fight was fun, the weird scales thing was...weird, running was gay without a turbo controller, and chocobo hot&cold was AWESOME! I mean, most of the time. There was some hilarious dialogue to be gotten out of it if you did well ("You're doing really great but you must stop. Here I'll give you a bonus if you stop." Awesome) and it was just really solid. I mean it was great. Sure there were some moments when you just couldn't find the treasure and starting cursing at Mene but in the end you were rewarded by a cutscene of Mene trying to carry Zidane. Which was awesome.

Zidane is a pansy main character. This is what I heard during TF2 and this is so wrong. Zidane is the least emo main character like ever. I mean, Cloud and his Shinra murdered my town thing, Squall and his abandonment issues (what more do you expect out of an orphanage you little git?), Tidus and his daddy issues, and Vaan and his brother issues (and his talking to loud issues, and his stupidity issues, and his abs looking like a sad face...issues..?). Zidane starts the game without any issues. He works in a troupe of thieves and starts out happy and optimistic. He gains one issue in the game which lasts for 5 minutes. And that's about, you know, being manufactured as an angel of death. That reminds me, Zidane is an ANGEL OF DEATH. That is cool! Zidane also seems to be one of the only characters who acts like a hero. He fights to protect people. Cloud fights evil because he's insane, Squall fights evil because of absolutely no personal motivation, Tidus fights evil to try to go home, and Vaan fights evil because he happens to be there (dude is like the least motivated character in the game. "Oh, I happen to be traveling with these guys. Whatever").

These are the only complaints I can remember. If you're still reading this and know any, tell me.

Now for the overlooked awesomeness. One, your main character is not only a thief (and GTA has taught us playing as criminals is cool) but he's also an angel of DEATH. That means it's doubly cool. ATEs are also cool. Along with the characterization and plot exposition these little cutscenes gave, they also delivered some of the funniest stuff in Final Fantasy which leads me to my next point, the humour. 9 is way funnier than 7, 8, 10, and 12. I mean, there were funny moments in each game. (7, cross-dressing Cloud and you can say Barret's your boyfriend. 8, "Shut up Zell". 10, anytime Wakka opens his mouth. 12, anytime Vaan opens his mouth.) But the sheer amount of hilarity in 9 is breathtaking and it's due to the fact that the main character is not a whiney emo. He's a guy who makes jokes and insults people like Steiner. And he kicks him!

More awesomeness includes summons that can summon themselves. The way summons work is that the more of the summon item you have, the higher chance you have of doing the full summon scene and the more damage you do. It also increases the chances of the summon showing up on its own, the most popular being Pheonix who will bail you out. But I once had 99 garnets and took to summoning Bahamut all the time and got him to attack twice. Also, there's Zidane+autohaste+autoregen=autowin. Never don't have this on. The game is also full of homages to the first Final Fantasy. We have the classes (OMG, classes that each play a different role! In an RPG! I mean, !!!), Freya's Red Mage hat, the 4 guardians (twice), Garland, Dagger/Garnet's real name being Sarah, the 4 crystals, 4 person parties, Dagger/Garnet/Sarah's cloak in the beginning, and...Necron? Wait a second.

And to finish this rant I have one more bad thing. Who the hell is Necron. Seriously, who is this guy and why is he the last boss? So, according to his explanation he's the guy who undoes everything. Why has he never been alluded to before. I'm pretty sure this boss is in here just so Kuja could redeem himself in the end cause face it, besides trying to destroy the Universe, he wasn't such a bad guy. Also, what's with the bosses who keep saying they can't die and then get their asses handed to them. Necron, that tree thing, Kuja. Man.

In closing, FF9 kicks more ass than 8 and 7 combined.

Bring on the hate!

Fearman out!

[iEatNinjaZ]

I prefer not to play the newer Final Fantasys.
I love 1 and 2, thats about it.

Lets all play Dragon Quest
DQ8 is still the greatest game ever made.

Also: I have FF7 Black Lable, not as good as you think it is....

[Gordon Fearman]

Okay, 1 was classic. 2 was horsecrap. So thank you, thank you sir for a response that is almost completely not relevant. Thank you. Seriously, THANK YOU. Besides the greatest RPG ever is so obviously Crisis Core.

[Matt]

7 was genre-defining, 8 was atrocious, 9 was a perfect fusion of the oldschool feel with the new-school formula.

that is all.

-m

[MetalSabe]

Wait a second. 7 was genre-defining? What genre did it define?

Anywho, I mostly agree with the first post, fake platforming makes me vomit. Remember the first time you went to the upper level of midgar? You had to climb up that pole and catch that weird swinging thing-a-ma-bob. Some of the worst times ever spent.

That's all totally lame but not my biggest concern with FF7, the biggest problem is how mind numbingly easy it is. You really could "X" your way through all of the battles. Also as before stated in the OP the materia system only makes it that much easier to turn everyone in your party into the same god like character. JRPG's are at there best (gameplay wise) when the difficulty, balance and enemy setup's are such that you actually have to think about how you use the tools available to succeed. FF7's battles were more something to pat out the time between cutscenes, which was cool (kind of) back in '97 when the cinematics were a mind-blowing affair. Doesn't age so well though

It's hard to argue that 9 is the best of the PSX final fantasies you could make a good case for it being the best (even though everyone knows 5 is). Although there is something to be said about the ambition of 7 and 8.

7 attempted to be a life changing film like masterpiece and although its odd art direction hindered in from doing so, it still did change how many people perceived games. It also had moments of brilliance and great pacing (in some instances).

8 Tried a lot of new gameplay mechanics and was probably the most ambitious of the psx FF's. While almost all the ideas within 8 (Draw System,Crazy Summons,etc.) fell short, it was still cool to see some new ideas floating around.

9, An obvious return to form on 9, while it took the least chances it managed to capture a lot of what made the 2D Final Fantasies so great (except for 2). It also took the best advantage of the graphical capabilities of the PSX, opting for a more exaggerated art style that lended itself better to lower polygon models

In the end any hate directed at the final fantasy series (barring two which is outright terrible) is glossed over by the fact that even when FF is at its worst, I still have a good amount of fun with the games.

[Lavos]

ff9 created this trend:

->

->


Edit: Notice their similar hair and face, and the fact that they enjoy doing a gay pose. Like really, its pretty homosexual.

[Gordon Fearman]

I see your point. But Zidane is a total ladies man. He's awesome.

Damn Vaan looks gay. Maybe...!!!

Actually Zidane's looks like a Sonic pose.

[Darkobra]

The only lady's man in FF was Balthier. Smooth talker, sexy accent and hangs around with a woman in leather.

[Gordon Fearman]

He was the leading man.

Or at least I wish he was.

[Matt]

for the record - Zidane was part of a semi-androgynous clone species - so he had a legitimate story excuse for looking a bit femme.

so I debate your claim that he "started a trend"

-m

[Matt]

oh, and for the record:






-m

[Machalllewis]

I like how the lead character of FF13 is an ACTUAL woman and still doesn't look as effeminate as some of the others.

[arch4non]

While playing Final Fantasy 9 I couldn't help but think it was more of a girly love story. Transvestite Kuja and Zidane's pink trance form didn't help make it any less feminine either. It was still a really fun game though and the graphics were a huge jump in quality. I remember the day I got it, I popped that sucker in and played nearly the whole week straight after getting home from school.

The story in FF7 was just so damn groundbreaking for vidya games of that era. It had a super soldier finding out he's a space alien clone, a main character being killed (and not being replaced instantly like in Legend of Dragoon) and THE main character having a mental breakdown. That's only scratching the surface.

FF9 on the other had was sort of the generic royal bloodline thing with a bunch of unlikable characters. The only part which seemed interesting to me was discovering village full of those sentient Vivi dolls and finding out about their short lifespan.

I haven't played past the first disk in F8 so I don't really have an opinion on it. I think the gunblade thing was pretty dumb though.

[Matt]

I contend that you may not have actually been paying attention to the story of FF9.


Each character in the game had their own plotline, collectively woven around the plot to save the planet.


AVAST MATEYS, THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD!


Kuja finds out he's a manufactured lifeform, essentially a mist-constructed superweapon, with a very limited lifespan - and he's about to die. He cracks, and decides that if he doesn't get to exist, neither does anyone else. He sets off on a quest to capture the eidolons so that he can use their power to destry the world.

Along the way, he meets queen Brahne, and manipulates her into gathering power for power's sake - she turns corrupt.

Noticing this change in her mother, garnett sets out to find her uncle to get his help by stowing away with a troupe of travelling theatre-types.

Theatre-types, who, as it turns out, are actually there to kidnap her (and, as I recall, hired by her uncle to do so for much the same reason)

Along the way they are joined by the cast of characters, who each have a story bassed on a theme of the game.

Garnett: is it more important to follow the royal tradition, or to do what's right?
Steiner: does his loyalty lie with the kingdom, or the person he's sworn to protect
Zidane: Do you look out for #1, or is your company what makes an adventure woth goign on.
Vivi: What is life? death? what does existence mean?
Freya: is there a fate worse than being forgotten?
Eiko: what is a family?
amarant: what is it to place someone else above yourself?
Quina: ok, I admit, Quina didn't really have a deep plot. FOOD!

By the end of the game, Zidane finds out he is also a manufactred life-form, and that he has a sister - and a brother - Kuja - who redeems himself at the last moment. Ultimately, Zidane ostensibly sacrifices himself to save Kuja.

Garnett has lost her love, and her mother and goes back to the dreary life of a queen that she'd been dreading from the start, she is miserable.

Stenier has become a better man and guardian because of the ordeal.

Freya has found the man she was searching for, only to discover that he has no idea whatsoever who she is, and sets out to build a whole new life from scratch.

Eiko has adopted herself into the family of regent Cid and finally has a family.

Quina becomes a chef.

amarant learns what teamwork can do.

and ViVi -DIES-

the entire epilogue of the game is narrated by a letter from vivi to Zidane because vivi knows that if Zidane ever sees it, he will already have passed on. You find out from the tone of the letter that Vivi has come to understand this and has tried to mark his place in the universe in the intervening time, hoping only to be remembered by his frieds.

Ultimately Zidane does return - but the ending is supremely bittersweet.

and while FF7's story may have been groundbreaking, 9's was vastly more intricate, and much better-told.

-m

[Lavos]

ff9 created this trend:

->

->


Edit: Notice their similar hair and face, and the fact that they enjoy doing a gay pose. Like really, its pretty homosexual.

I forgot to add->

[Allen!]

Oh sir I will have thought when I get home you will see

[Gordon Fearman]

I have but one problem with Matt's comprehensive plot summary.

AVAST MATEYS, THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD!

Kuja finds out he's a manufactured lifeform, essentially a mist-constructed superweapon, with a very limited lifespan - and he's about to die. He cracks, and decides that if he doesn't get to exist, neither does anyone else. He sets off on a quest to capture the eidolons so that he can use their power to destry the world.

I think that Kuja didn't realize he was doomed to die until Garland told him at the end of Pandemonium. He may have known at some level but he doesn't fully crack until he goes trance and Garland's all like "you're gonna die." Hence Kuja destroying Terra and then going after the crystal.

Oh sir I will have thought when I get home you will see

You sir confuse me on levels that should be illegal.

In closing, my one real question about the end of FF9 is where did all of those little Vivi's come from!? He's like 8. And the epilogue is only a year after Zidane "dies".

[MetalSabe]

The story in FF7 was just so damn groundbreaking for vidya games of that era. It had a super soldier finding out he's a space alien clone, a main character being killed (and not being replaced instantly like in Legend of Dragoon) and THE main character having a mental breakdown. That's only scratching the surface.

Final Fantasy 7 wasn't all too groundbreaking for people who had been playing RPG's prior to its release. Since it was a lot of peoples introduction to the genre, I can see how some would think this. FF7 was not the first RPG or even close to the first to have a main character die, a popular example of it happening outside of FF7 would be Chrono Trigger. I mean geeze, Phantasy Star starts out with the Alis's brother dying and that was on the MegaDrive! That's not to say FF7's story isn't good or at least parts of it. Good pacing, likable characters, some cool moments. The terrible localization didn't do it any favors though.

I wouldn't say groundbreaking. You could make a case for paradigm shifting. I can't count the number of games that have ripped off the FF7 formula of having the first have of the game take place in a central location (midgar). Then having the vista open up to reveal a wide expanse of wonderment and fancy, Oblivion did it (Catacombs - Cyrodiil), Legend Of Zelda OoT did it (Kokiri Village - Hyrule Field) and countless others have played off that idea.

[Cybren]

oh, and for the record:

-m

Yeah the "androgyny" dated back to the terrible character art of Amano.

I wouldn't call FF7 genre defining, either, more like a prototypical 3D JRPG.

[Nevrmore]

My main question is: why does everyone like 7 and 8 over 9?!

This is a loaded question. I hate all Final Fantasy's with equal furor.

[Gordon Fearman]

Did you even read the second post? Why are you posting here if you didn't like any Final Fantasies? This obviously doesn't apply to you.

[MetalSabe]

My main question is: why does everyone like 7 and 8 over 9?!

This is a loaded question. I hate all Final Fantasy's with equal furor.

Did you actually play all the FF's just to find out you hate them? It would make my day if the answer was yes.

[Nevrmore]

Did you even read the second post? Why are you posting here if you didn't like any Final Fantasies? This obviously doesn't apply to you.

You used the qualifier "everybody." Seemed like an open invitation to me. Without me and the others who share my sentiments, this thread would be nothing but either a never-ending debate on the merits of one game over the other, or a love-fest for 7/8 or 9.

Did you actually play all the FF's just to find out you hate them? It would make my day if the answer was yes.

I've played 1, 6, 7, 8, about half of 9, and 10. At first I had been enjoying them because I was a kid and all I wanted out of life was a game where I saved the world by using magic to turn the fecal matter in an opponent's bowels to lead (Brickshitter, high level Black Mage power.) After I finished 10 I looked back on the experience and said "I actually didn't enjoy that very much." Then I tried to play 9 but at that point I thought about it and realized that I consider most (Fantasy) (J)RPGs to be terrible.

EDIT: Oh, I also played a lot of Tactics. Don't remember why I stopped, I remember thinking it was pretty good.

[Gordon Fearman]

Without me and the others who share my sentiments, this thread would be nothing but either a never-ending debate on the merits of one game over the other, or a love-fest for 7/8 or 9.

Well thank you sir. I didn't realize what a self-sacrificing hero you were, protect the defenseless people of this forum from the ORIGINAL INTENT of this thread.

It's pretty obvious from the second bloody sentence that this is an argument about fans of the Final Fantasy series underappreciate FF9 you self-righteous ass. It doesn't take that much intelligence to realize that if you didn't play or like Final Fantasy that this thread was not for you.

[Nevrmore]

Yes, the original intent was to discuss whether 9 was underrated or not. And I told you that it I didn't think it was underrated, I found it as bad as the other games in the series.