In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Drop by and talk about anything you want. This is where all cheese-related discussions should go

Have you sustained a biscuit related injury?

Yes. The doctors were baffled.
2
6%
Yes, but I didn't press charges.
2
6%
No, I have depth perception.
15
43%
No, but I've used biscuits to hurt others.
10
29%
I'd really rather not talk about it.
6
17%
 
Total votes: 35
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In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Mad Madam Mimm » 09 Sep 2009, 07:12

Actually, this story is based in the UK. And it tells me that I'm statistically screwed.

link for proof, text pasted below

"Named: the UK's deadliest biscuit

A research company has calculated the biscuit most likely to cause someone an injury during a tea or coffee break.

The custard cream was found to be the UK's most dangerous snack, on the basis of something called the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

According to the Daily Telegraph, the research was carried out by Mindlab International at the request of the chocolate biscuit bar Rocky. Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: "We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year."

Accidents have included people poking themselves in the eye with a biscuit, falling off a chair while reaching for the tin, sustaining burns after dunking a biscuit in scalding tea, and being hit by fragments flying through the air.

Other people have reported choking on crumbs and damaging a tooth or filling on a particularly hard biscuit. One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.

Mindlab International director Dr David Lewis explained the background to the research.

"We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuits," he said, "along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal."

According to Mindlab's calculations, here is the full list of the UK's riskiest biscuits, together with their 'danger' rating:
Custard Cream 5.64
Cookie 4.34
Chocolate Biscuit Bar 4.12
Wafer 3.74
Rich Tea 3.45
Bourbon 3.44
Oat Biscuit 3.31
Digestive 3.14
Ginger Nut 2.99
Shortbread 2.90
Caramel Shortcake 2.76
Nice Biscuit 2.27
Iced Biscuits/Party Rings 2.16
Chocolate Finger 1.38
Jaffa Cakes 1.16"

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby spartanhelmet » 09 Sep 2009, 07:19

Mad Madam Mimm wrote:I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

Well, surely that depends on if you've been injured by a biscuit!

I'd go for laugh though... and in the direction of whoever (please don't say the taxpayers) coughed up money for this crap.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Mad Madam Mimm » 09 Sep 2009, 07:22

Everyone who has bought a Rocky Bar over the past few years, I guess. I would be laughing but...
One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.


I.... really? Really? I mean, I love biscuits, but come on.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 09 Sep 2009, 07:27

That sentence did catch my eye, yes.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Zhyard » 09 Sep 2009, 07:28

Who paid for this research is my question?
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Mad Madam Mimm » 09 Sep 2009, 07:29

the research was carried out by Mindlab International at the request of the chocolate biscuit bar Rocky.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Zhyard » 09 Sep 2009, 07:33

Mad Madam Mimm wrote:
the research was carried out by Mindlab International at the request of the chocolate biscuit bar Rocky.

Oh... I'll be going then.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Master Gunner » 09 Sep 2009, 07:45

Mad Madam Mimm wrote:Everyone who has bought a Rocky Bar over the past few years, I guess. I would be laughing but...
One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.


I.... really? Really? I mean, I love biscuits, but come on.


Yeah, I was wondering about that. I hardly think it was the biscuit's fault.
Last edited by Master Gunner on 09 Sep 2009, 10:11, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Theremin » 09 Sep 2009, 07:49

Mad Madam Mimm wrote:Everyone who has bought a Rocky Bar over the past few years, I guess. I would be laughing but...
One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.


I.... really? Really? I mean, I love biscuits, but come on.

Not to be pedantic, but that incident probably skewed the average.
And what is it that makes Jaffa Cakes so safe?
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby RytelCSF » 09 Sep 2009, 07:59

Just the line "Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation" is making me laugh.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 09 Sep 2009, 08:33

Theremin wrote:
Mad Madam Mimm wrote:Everyone who has bought a Rocky Bar over the past few years, I guess. I would be laughing but...
One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.


I.... really? Really? I mean, I love biscuits, but come on.

Not to be pedantic, but that incident probably skewed the average.
And what is it that makes Jaffa Cakes so safe?

They're not a real biscuit, they're cakes.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Theremin » 09 Sep 2009, 08:51

Lyinginbedmon wrote:They're not a real biscuit, they're cakes.

If I remember, that was proved through legal battles and exhaustive scientific enquiries...
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Mad Madam Mimm » 09 Sep 2009, 09:07

It's very simple. Cakes are soft when fresh, hard when stale. Biscuits are hard when fresh, soft when stale. Jaffa cakes go hard when stale, ergo jaffa cakes are, indeed, cakes.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Theremin » 09 Sep 2009, 09:27

I heard that cakes have a lower tax rate than biscuits for some reason...
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Vigafre » 09 Sep 2009, 09:40

So is the deadly biscuit like the deadly bagel?
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Re'ozul » 09 Sep 2009, 09:48

Hah, I'm going to keep eating Jaffa Cakes then.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Master Gunner » 09 Sep 2009, 09:55

Theremin wrote:I heard that cakes have a lower tax rate than biscuits for some reason...


The way I understand it, chocolate-covered biscuits (which Jaffa Cakes resemble, hence them having to prove they were cakes) are classified as "luxury items", and thus are subject to the Value Added Tax, which currently stands at 15%. Regular biscuits and cakes are not classified as luxury items, and thus not subject to that tax.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Evil Jim » 09 Sep 2009, 09:57

Ok, so being in the UK, by "biscuts" you actually mean "cookies," which are horrible for dunking. No wonder there are so many accidents. Switch to donuts, guys!

a proper biscuit:
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Mad Madam Mimm » 09 Sep 2009, 10:06

No, that's pastry cobbler.

The language is called "English", Jim. As in, As The English Speak It. YOu have an issue with it? MAke your empire official. Go on, I dare you.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Theremin » 09 Sep 2009, 10:08

Do not question El Presidente of the glorious Jim Republic!
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Master Gunner » 09 Sep 2009, 10:10

Except those are only cooked once, and biscuit comes from Latin (via Middle French) meaning "cooked twice". So that makes no sense. Pretty much everywhere other than Canada and the US uses the term "biscuit" as Mimm and the article did. We got the term "cookie" from (of course) THE DUTCH!, meaning "little cake". So I, for obvious reasons, cannot support that usage.

What you posted were scones.
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Metcarfre » 09 Sep 2009, 10:23

English is fun!

/obligatory

(Incidentally, I prefer the North American English versions cookie, biscuit, etc. Ah, biscuits, so delicious. I should get my dad's recipe and make some carrot soup to go with them.)

(Also, what kind of cookie/biscuit is cooked twice these days.)

(Also also, Britishaires, I am in LOVE with your chocolate-dipped Hob-Nobs. The perfect cookie for hiking, as it takes abuse well.)
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Evil Jim » 09 Sep 2009, 10:30

Master Gunner wrote:Pretty much everywhere other than Canada and the US uses the term "biscuit" as Mimm and the article did.

Well I'm actually FROM Canada & the US so they're BISCUITS, gosh darn it! Ain'tchoo been ta Gorgia?!
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Master Gunner » 09 Sep 2009, 10:38

As a matter of fact...no, I haven ever "been ta Gorgia".
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Re: In Soviet Russia, biscuit bites you!

Postby Darkobra » 09 Sep 2009, 11:02

Nice biscuits clearly live up to their name.
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