The Big Relationship Thread

[Darkobra]

Yeah, let's not give him nightmares during his PEP TALK!

[Metcarfre]

@Darkobra that is not the worse case scenario... but let's not go there

And that was the third time I died.

[Lyinginbedmon]

Just the third?

You're doing well.

[Geoff_B]

He's like Rory Williams - he keeps on coming back through timey wimey stuff!

[Fezzul]

Okay, so something that has been on my mind...

You ever wander if you met the right person a while back and never got the chance to see it through?

A few years ago I met a lovely girl on a theatre trip to Berlin. We hit it off, it was the first time I met a girl, instantly liked her and was instantly charming enough for her to want to talk to me, sit next to me and stuff. At one time she coyly asked me "Do you have a best friend?", I responded appropriately. Later I was told by a girl that this is a good question to ask if you want to enquire whether someone has a boyfriend or not. I kicked myself when I found this out. Because although over the three days of the trip we talked a lot and generally enjoyed each other's company, nothing came of it. We said goodbye and agreed that next time we were both in a certain sea-side town in Wales we both know and love, we would go for an ice-cream together at an ice-cream shop we have in common. That was in 2008, we haven't seen each other since... but I can never quite shake the memory of her.

There are people I had crushes on, who I met under similar circumstances, who I never saw again, who I've thought about since, and while I'm fond of the memory and of them, I never really feel like I missed out on anything. With her I do.

A large part of me realizes this is probably just me taking comfort in a safe memory. A happy memory to visit when my present, real-life love-life isn't what I want it to be. I get that, I do. I want to believe in fate, that we'll see each other again, because it means that I can be loved, that even if things aren't going great now, there's someone a way away in Yorkshire who thinks of me from time to time and wonders when we'll be together. It's sappy and romantic, but I'm like that sometimes, it's genetic. It's especially silly, now that we live in distinctly different countries.

It's a bit silly. But I also wonder if it's possible that she was exactly the right person for me, and that we missed out on something. I also wonder if inevitably we'll both decide that we were meant for each other and meet up. I also wonder if, if we did meet up, I'd realize that I'd just been idealizing her this whole time, because it was a happy memory that I've perfected over time. I wonder if she'd disappoint me. I do try and shake her off and move on. But try as I might, I can never quite shake her, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I'm not sure I want to.

I don't know. I'm just spit-balling really. I'm not looking for answers, I just wanted to share that particular thought. Anyone else have anything similar?

[Ahlir]

Ha.... Facebook official. That has to mean something... Not sure what yet. I am in an open relationship with... a person. Wooo

[theDreamer]

Like it wasn't obvious?

And I'm oblivious.

[Ahlir]

I have no idea what you are talking about??? What was obvious?

[Lyinginbedmon]

She keeps stepping up the level of affection she displays towards me and I'm still none the wiser as to how she actually feels for me...a most confusing affair.

We barely talked much at all tonight, even got into an argumentative tangent at one point, and she gave me three kisses and a "sweet dreams!" before signing off. I know that isn't really evidence for much of anything, but it's a significant increase from just "x" and she's been kinda moving upward like that for the past week. But at the same time, she has a boyfriend who I am reasonably certain she is still seeing throughout this holiday (he works at a local McD's), so any affection she shows towards me has to be...gah...this is confusing...

[Alja-Markir]

so any affection she shows towards me has to be...gah...this is confusing...

No, you goof! It doesn't have to be ANYTHING! You're trying to overthink things!

*snicker*

Take a minute, my friend. Sit back, take a breath, and reflect upon a few nuggets of wisdom (if you can call my opinion on things it wisdom, that is).

1) People can be in a relationship with one person and still care for another person at the same time.

2) Showing affection towards someone you care for is merely that - affection. It doesn't necessarily MEAN anything other than they like you and what to show that they do.

3) On the other hand, someone can love you - genuinely love you, with all their heart and soul - and yet not be free to express their love, affection, and care for you in more than the simplest of ways.

Just accept what comes your way. If someone cares for you, let them. If they want to show you their affection for you, let them. If they want to but can't express it fully, accept the small ways in which they can express it.

And if you are plagued by uncertainty and are worrying if they mean something by their actions and you aren't sure what - ASK THEM. Let them know that you've noticed their affections, and that you appreciate them, and also that they have you wondering about them.

~Alja~

[Master Gunner]

This is one of the few occasions were I completely, 100%, agree with Alja. That, exactly. If you need proof, look no further than the DB IRC. Actually, I advice against that, it is a messed up place.

[Alja-Markir]

Out of curiosity, what's the rough percentage of agreement other times?

High 30s would be nice.

*wink*

~Alja~

[Lord Chrusher]

I seem to have unintentionally asked a friend from school out. Admittedly I am somewhat attracted to her but this has produced a far amount of awkwardness as we hang out with the same people. The trip to Tasmania is going to be fun.

[Lyinginbedmon]

I can definitely see your point and there's a lot I agree with, but that #3 is what worries me.

Over-thinking things is definitely a problem of mine, but worryingly whenever I've thought I'm just over-thinking things it's turned out I was right, hence my concern.

[Alja-Markir]

I can kinda get why #3 might seem worrisome, but if you stop and think about it, it shouldn't be.

The human heart makes up it's own mind, often without consulting the human mind. We make conscious decisions about our lives, we choose who to spend time with and be involved with, but who we love is never a conscious choice.

Suppose that #3 is indeed the case. Suppose this gal really cares for you deeply, but her prior commitment to the fellow she's with (or maybe even something else entirely) limits how much she can express that care. While you may both be interested in each other, and even both wish you could have a closer and deeper connection, neither of you can just deny the reality of the situation - and a delicate situation it is.

For my own example, there are a handful of people I love deeply who are with others. They're good matches - good for each other, and full love and joy. And while that makes it pretty much impossible for me personally to shower them with affection and intimacy in all the various ways I might long to, I still care for them - and always will.

And I express as much of that care and affection as I can without being a burden or causing trouble and pain. I let them know, through both words and simple deeds, that they are loved, that I am devoted to them, that I would happily do far more for them than I already do, and most important of all - that I'm happy for them and the love they have for the one they are with.

Does it suck sometimes thinking about them, wanting to be in their arms, wanting to be with them? Yeah, actually, it kinda does. But I don't think I could say I truly loved them if I didn't want their happiness above all else. And if they are happy, what else really matters?

I have had the incredible fortune to meet this strange, beautiful, wonderful person - to be someone they care about, and someone they trust and admire and even love. And for whatever odd reason, they want to share at least a small part of their life with me - to be a good and loyal friend, to celebrate with me in triumph and mourn with me in loss, to find time to talk and think and wonder about life and the world, to hug and smile and laugh together.

And that alone is more than I could ever ask for.

But all of that - all that sappy, optimistic empathy and compersion - it's a bit of a moot point until you actually know what's going on in your own situation.

You should talk to her. And you shouldn't worry.

Listen to what she has to say, and be gracious in accepting whatever amount of care she has to offer - be it small or large. If she thinks of you as a good friend, well holy crap man, you've recently made an awesome friend. If she thinks of you as more than that... be humbly flattered, express your own feelings, proceed from there very slowly and cautiously, if at all. We know that she has made prior commitments, and unless she's the kind of person to disregard what ought to be important personal promises and trust (which I highly doubt!), she should continue to honor them, as should you.

I can tell you this - even if nothing ever comes of it, even if you only ever remain friends who care deeply for each other, the mere fact that you are loved by someone can be empowering and amazing on it's own.

More than that, I can't really say. Let time tell you how things will go.

But seriously dude, talk to her.

*wide grin*

~Alja~

[JustAName]

So, um... to interrupt a bit, and sorry to take over, but this needs to be said. I have the best boyfriend. No, listen, okay? So, physical problems leading up to last night where I had severe abdominal pains and was basically just trying to get comfortable in bed, moaning "why" etc. He was just there, and did everything he could, and made sure I knew he was there for me.

And then today, meeting some of the extended family, I was super nervous, and with back pains while I was there I eventually resorted to taking painkillers his granny rustled up. She then suggested we go off to another room with a sofa and watch TV, and I was embarrassed, but everyone was super nice and understanding and he's just been taking care of me and the most affectionate all day and just... I can't even begin to describe how amazing he's been. Like, I know I gush sometimes, but seriously, I just... guh. I feel so selfish sometimes, with how amazing he is, but apparently I do things for him, too? He says I do. But I'm just... Gods, I'm so lucky and not even worth him, and I love him SO FUCKING MUCH, you guys. And he's mine. You can't have him. You hear that? MINE. Okay. I think the painkillers have kicked in again. Can you tell? Off to be crazy on the internets!

[Elomin Sha]

Quick, someone put Fayili down before her cheeriness spreads.

[Lyinginbedmon]

I would and have done pretty much the exact same thing Fayili, so at least from my perspective you indeed have quite a catch.

Take of him

[Elomin Sha]

Noooooooo, the madness is spreading.

[WBAGNR]

Lying, just want to say, I feel for you. What you do have to remember though is that girls throw 'love' 'xxx' and other stuff around like nobody's business.

A few pages back I had a similar situation. What I realised is that if a girl says "Take care love xxx", in guy speak that might be "Don't kill yourself, dude".

On the other hand, we did discuss how we would split up different chocolate boxes, such as Quality Streets.

[Avistew]

I wasn't expecting someone to use the.word compersion here. That's cool.
I'm in the hospital watching over Sean. I'm worried but glad that I can be there

[Alja-Markir]

Best wishes to you both! Wish we could do more to help.

~Alja~

[Lyinginbedmon]

I'm aware there is a very high probability I'm just overthinking things, but there's also a high incidence of times where I've shrugged things off with that logic that turned out to be pretty much exactly as I suspected, so I'm rather apprehensive about doing so here.

Ignore me folks, I'll be spinning around in circles for a while it seems.

[Alja-Markir]

Tempted... to post... silly... and cute... topical... picture...

GAH!

~Alja~

[Alja-Markir]

Well, I managed to hold out four hours, at least.



*giggles madly*

~Alja~