The Big Relationship Thread

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Ahlir
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ahlir » 14 Jan 2012, 01:11

I have never thought I would get married or have kids. I guess cause my parents are not married, though still together, has made me realise that you don't have to marry someone to spend the rest of your life with them. I'm kinda annoyed I'm yet to have a relationship for longer then a year, but that's most likely got something to do with my attention span.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby LogicSword » 14 Jan 2012, 02:46

Been with my girlfriend for three years today. I keep debating the whole marriage thing, on one hand I really want to, on the other hand it's too big and scary, we're only 19, it's too much money etc.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Psyclone » 14 Jan 2012, 02:47

Well, you're only 19, so you certainly don't have to make the decision now.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 14 Jan 2012, 04:46

Two of my closest friends started dating each other when they were 17; they did not get engaged until they were 25 and did not get married until a year later.

To go back to something that Matt said about weddings make him feel bad. I did not feel that at this wedding - I quite enjoyed it. I have to admit I ever get married I would like my wedding to be like theirs.

I have to admit I vary in how much I care about about relationships. Sometimes I do not care in the least. Other times I get a bit depressed about it. The last week or so has been one of those times.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 14 Jan 2012, 05:00

Makes sense really, on the one hand is the pressure for personal survival, on the other the pressure for genetic survival. Fairly obvious between the two that the level of attention on relationships should vary across time.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 14 Jan 2012, 05:41

So... As someone who watches alot of older TV shows and what not, it's startling the current/past opinions on marriage.

There was a time when the NORMAL time span was, go out for 6-12months. Move in together. Another 6-12months before even considering marriage, 6 months more before the "Right time" shows up.

Now you ask the average 20 year old and they think 1 year plus without getting married is a terrible thing and the sign of a bad relationship.

Hell my Father and his Wife were living together, raising her kids together for a good 9 years before they got married. 8 and a half before even getting engaged.

Just, live your god-damned lives. Move in together when you feel good about it, and just do things when you think it's the right time, not when everyone else is doing it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby TheRocket » 14 Jan 2012, 11:27

I moved in with Wraith before we had even went on a date! HAAAAAAAA. I LOVE DOING THINGS BACKWARDS! STICK IT TO THE MAN!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby 2stepz » 14 Jan 2012, 12:27

I'm about to the point where I'm labeling myself old-maid... and looking into buying a one bedroom tiny house. Relationships don't work for me, and I've gotten pretty good at taking care of myself. Putting things off for a potential event that has low likelihood isn't a logical way to live my life.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby plummeting_sloth » 14 Jan 2012, 20:10

TheRocket wrote:I moved in with Wraith before we had even went on a date! HAAAAAAAA. I LOVE DOING THINGS BACKWARDS! STICK IT TO THE MAN!


We divorced before we even held hands. That'll stick it to the man!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Alja-Markir » 14 Jan 2012, 22:34

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ahlir » 15 Jan 2012, 02:47

Mushy time... Deal with it.

So I'm happily in love atm. Which is pretty awesome. Not sure how long it will last but I plan on enjoying it till the end.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 15 Jan 2012, 03:06

the_lone_bard wrote:Now you ask the average 20 year old and they think 1 year plus without getting married is a terrible thing and the sign of a bad relationship.


Your mileage may vary on this one, I think. This has not been my experience of modern 20-somethings at all.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby WBAGNR » 15 Jan 2012, 03:17

Duckay wrote:
the_lone_bard wrote:Now you ask the average 20 year old and they think 1 year plus without getting married is a terrible thing and the sign of a bad relationship.


Your mileage may vary on this one, I think. This has not been my experience of modern 20-somethings at all.


Agreed. I'm 20, and if you had only been together a year and then you got married I'd be extremely wary.

Not to say it can't happen, but in my circle of friends, everyone is at university, so they have a fair amount of debt, and no degree yet. You would definitely be looking to have the relationship last 2 if not more years before looking at getting married.

Then again, I'm of the opinion that marriage is a fairly logical, not emotional thing. You don't do it "because it feels right", you do it because it is the logical and sensible thing to do. If you love each other that much, waiting a couple of years to have it down on paper shouldn't matter.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 15 Jan 2012, 03:31

In fact, the_lone_bard, I've just done a bit of Googling and trawling through the ABS, and I don't see that backed up at all (sources here and here). De facto relationships are on the rise, as is the median age at first marriage. I know that's not proof of whether young people are or are not wanting to be married within a year of a relationship, but it seems to argue against it.

And as for my own personal friends, I know several people who have been in relationships for upwards of 5 years (who are now in their early twenties) and aren't married; who are in many cases, but not all, cohabiting. Some are planning weddings now, some aren't. I have a few friends who are married, but none who were together less than a year first.

(Not to mention my own experiences with wedding planning, which is that if you can even manage to throw even a medium-sized wedding with less than six months planning, you're in possession of some kind of magic.)

In short, unless you've had vastly different experiences than I have, I don't see it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby dackwards d » 15 Jan 2012, 04:09

Trixy wrote:Mushy time... Deal with it.

So I'm happily in love atm. Which is pretty awesome. Not sure how long it will last but I plan on enjoying it till the end.

Couldn't say it better myself. Hopefully we can at least break your year record though :)
Wait, you were talking about me right? :P

On the marriage subject, my opinion might be a little skewed by my family. My father's parents are divorced, my parents are divorced and dad's partner of almost a decade now was also previously married. Meanwhile dad and his girlfriend are unmarried and I've never seen him happier. They have no plans to marry and have repeatedly said that they don't need a piece of paper to know that they love each other. I know someone who is getting married because his accidentally pregnant girlfriend's family is very religious. He's a decent guy and I believe he wants to do right by her, but I don't doubt that they will either break up in a year or two or spend the rest of their lives wishing they had. If you want to get married to someone as a display of dedication and commitment then more power to you, but that's all it is - a display. A symbol of commitment is nowhere near as important as actual commitment.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ahlir » 15 Jan 2012, 04:13

dackwards d wrote:
Trixy wrote:Mushy time... Deal with it.

So I'm happily in love atm. Which is pretty awesome. Not sure how long it will last but I plan on enjoying it till the end.

Couldn't say it better myself. Hopefully we can at least break your year record though :)
Wait, you were talking about me right? :P



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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 15 Jan 2012, 04:19

dackwards d wrote: If you want to get married to someone as a display of dedication and commitment then more power to you, but that's all it is - a display.


I know I'm being a little snarky, so I apologize for that.

But what if you want to get married for the display of dedication and commitment, and for the legal benefits?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby dackwards d » 15 Jan 2012, 04:51

Duckay wrote:
dackwards d wrote: If you want to get married to someone as a display of dedication and commitment then more power to you, but that's all it is - a display.


I know I'm being a little snarky, so I apologize for that.

But what if you want to get married for the display of dedication and commitment, and for the legal benefits?

As long as both parties are under no illusions about it then that's up to them. Otherwise it's a straightup case of someone being manipulated.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 15 Jan 2012, 05:01

I sincerely hope you misunderstood my comment; otherwise I'm not sure what to say to you. It seems beyond cynical to me to presume that anyone who wants any of the legal benefits of marriage to apply to their relationship is "manipulating" someone.

I am talking about couples who love one another and who decide to marry rather than live as a de facto couple for legal reasons - be they be inheritance issues, reasons of children (especially in jurisdictions where you need to be married to foster or adopt), insurance, housing (especially in the military), immigration... And that's just off the top of my head.

Basically, there are a lot of reasons a couple may decide to get married instead of just cohabiting and I don't particularly like the idea that it's "just a piece of paper" or "just a gesture". Especially considering that there are those for whom legal marriage is not an option.

But as I said, it's a tangent, and I'm being kind of snarky.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby dackwards d » 15 Jan 2012, 05:31

Sorry, I did misunderstand. I thought you meant as in they are doing it for the sake of a mere display and mainly to get the legal benefits - eg a golddigger or a green card marriage. If two people that are committed to each other choose to marry for the sake of the legal benefits then that's great.
Duckay wrote:Basically, there are a lot of reasons a couple may decide to get married instead of just cohabiting and I don't particularly like the idea that it's "just a piece of paper" or "just a gesture". Especially considering that there are those for whom legal marriage is not an option.

The government should not be able to say "this relationship is worth more because they are married whereas you are not," regardless of the sexual preferences of the couple. Unfortunately since it does anyway I will yield that point.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 15 Jan 2012, 05:41

I agree with you on that; it shouldn't be the case. Unfortunately, in many places it is, and until such times as that changes...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 15 Jan 2012, 07:13

I too had my first kiss when I was 19. And my first husband was 28 when we met, and he had never had a girlfriend (or kissed, or held hands with an unrelated female, etc). I undertand how easy it is to get demoralised, but there just isn't any logic behind these things.

As several of you talk about how they felt when everyone else had someone and got married and they didn't, I thought I'd give you a point of view from the other side.
I was the first one among my friends to get married. I didn't understand why they said it made them feel old, or bad that they were single. I kept thinking, "you're still young! I'm the one who is marrying super early!" (I was 23).
And now, I'm the only one who is divorced (or pretty much, since the divorce isn't going through). And that's not a nice feeling at all. Having to face all the people who were there at my wedding and telling them that it was over with my husband, I felt like I had let everyone down. At that moment, I would have given a lot to have never met my ex.

Now I'm feeling a bit better about it. But still, I'll always be divorced. I'll always have had a pretty short wedding. And that sucks. So while I understand being envious of people who are in a relationship, I would urge you not to get married too early.
Mind you we got married to be allowed to live in the same country, so we both knew that had we been from the same place we would have waited several more years (and presumably separated before getting married, it now seems like).

Anyways. Hugs all around to everyone.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 15 Jan 2012, 08:05

Duckay wrote:
dackwards d wrote: If you want to get married to someone as a display of dedication and commitment then more power to you, but that's all it is - a display.


I know I'm being a little snarky, so I apologize for that.

But what if you want to get married for the display of dedication and commitment, and for the legal benefits?


If one is just concerned about the legalities of marriage (inheritance, taxation, and all that), in Canada and at least some other countries, a common-law marriage (which at most is just a bit of paperwork) grants you most or all the same benefits as a "full" marriage.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 15 Jan 2012, 08:14

The only one of my friends that has gotten divorced dated his wife for a long time (like from during high school until after university) before they got married. YMMV. Meanwhile my parents were (apparently) engaged within a month and a half of dating and married within the year (no surprise pregnancy - I wasn't born until five years later) and are still married 35 years later.

My favourite story was about one of my mom's student's parents. They met in some crazy African nation that was in the middle of a civil war. He was your usual adventurous traveling uni-age Canuck, she was on the wrong side of the civil war and had sought asylum in the airport. They got married in the airport by a Canadian consular official so they would both be able to fly out. Still married 20+ years later.

As someone who was fairly recently married, my opinion is this. In the end the wedding is all about the vows and the words you say. I stood up and said that come thick or thin I would stand beside this woman for the rest of my life, in front of my God, my family, and my friends. So if we were to someday divorce (which I ain't planning on), I would consider it a failure of my word and would imagine myself untrustworthy thereafter.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby TheRocket » 15 Jan 2012, 08:55

Duckay wrote:
(Not to mention my own experiences with wedding planning, which is that if you can even manage to throw even a medium-sized wedding with less than six months planning, you're in possession of some kind of magic.)



I threw my own wedding in 24 hours :lol: .. no seriously. It was rough. The guests were invited a few months before that but everything else ... mmmm the joys of my life. Thank God for Ikea is all I can say about that.
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