The Big Relationship Thread

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Keab42
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Keab42 » 20 Oct 2012, 11:14

That was what I thought, but I thought it prudent to check with people who actually have experience of this.

Anyway I texted 5 minutes ago and just got a reply, so turns out it was the right decision.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby General Michi » 20 Oct 2012, 11:20

Who da man? You da man
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 20 Oct 2012, 13:50

Well despite her having a rather nasty cough today, we thoroughly enjoyed Frankenweenie (also despite initially wandering into the wrong screen and catching part of Hotel Transylvania), and discussed it at length throughout the day (Mr Rzykruski was an especial favourite between us) among a wide range of other topics, the vast majority of which we agreed on with our perspectives. We had food at Pizza Hut and toured some of the touristy parts of York (since most of them are within walking distance of one another) whilst we continued talking.

Overall, we had an absolute blast as near as I can tell, and I similarly sent her a quick text after I got back home saying I enjoyed spending the day with her, which she responded to in kind.

I'm cautiously optimistic about things, but I leave it to her to decide if there's to be a date #2
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 21 Oct 2012, 17:52

So I spent a lot of time yesterday with the guy I like. We played lots of different games. At some point, I said "I like you" and he said I was making him uncomfortable, so I immediately dropped it and we kept playing.

He had several occasions to avoid me at that point, but we kept playing games, both one-on-one and with other people involved. I was feeling a bit awkward, obviously, but he seemed absolutely normal. I think the friendship is safe but I'm also a bit sad by being rejected.

When I told Sean, he seemed to think I should have asked what was making him uncomfortable, because maybe it could be fixed. Sean says that maybe he didn't realise we were poly and that I wasn't hitting on him in a cheating manner. But I figured, someone tells me they're feeling uncomfortable, I stop what I'm doing. It seemed like the only possible course of action. So I don't know why, if he doesn't like me, if it's just the situation, or what, but I can't really insist on that. I think I would just hurt the friendship that somehow is still fine at this point.

Sean also think I probably came out as a bit creepy. He said I should have dated him a few times before saying I liked him. That confused me, because I though the proper order was "Hey, I like you, so as a result, do you wanna date?".

What are people's thoughts on that?

A few more details: we were alone when I told him that, and in the middle of playing a card game, which we finished, and then I asked if he wanted to play some more and he said yes. After one or two more games, I went to get someone else to play with us because I felt it would make it less awkward.
After an hour or two he went off to do things on his own and I made sure not to follow him. When he came back he was normal and we played some more, talked some more and interacted some more as though nothing had happened.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 21 Oct 2012, 17:57

I think, based on his behaviour, that he wasn't so terribly weirded out by it that it could affect your friendship much.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 21 Oct 2012, 19:03

My main concern is that he agreed to hang out together prior to that, and I'm not sure whether this means the previous offer has been "cancelled", and that if I try to set a date he'll feel that I didn't get it and I'm being pushy...

Or if hanging out is still fine provided I make sure to keep it strictly friendly, and therefore I can broach the subject again.

My current plan is to wait to see if he brings it up again, or something. I mean he knows I want to hang out, and he knows I like him. Whatever he wants to do with the information is on him now, right?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 21 Oct 2012, 19:11

Well, he continued playing games with you, and played more games with you, both while you were alone together. Following that, he also returned to play more games when your friend arrived. As you said, he had plenty of opportunities to stop playing and leave, but in all events he stuck around.

All signs that your presence isn't having a detrimental effect on him, which leads me to conclude that he's okay with how you feel even if he'd rather not have discussed it at that particular juncture. Maybe give him a while before bringing it up again, if at all or if he doesn't himself, but from the testimony you've given I wouldn't consider other friendly plans forfeit.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 21 Oct 2012, 19:25

Thanks for your input :) It's a bit hard to tell from inside the situation, and I know that I'm only sharing my side of the events, so any interpretation people make will be influenced by that, but I still feel like getting an outside opinion is helpful.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 22 Oct 2012, 14:01

Sorry about the double post, but I wanted to share this poster, that I thought people might want to discuss:

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Since I'm posting it, I feel obligated to say that it's for sale here

I really like the author, Franklin Veaux, and I think this is all pretty cool, but there were some negative responses when he posted it on his livejournal, and I'm curious what people around here think about it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Digital Dolphin » 23 Oct 2012, 16:01

There's a girl I've known for a couple years, she's a volunteer for my events, and we have a couple of fandoms in common (Ninja Turtles, Homestuck, various anime and movies). We were never super close, but recently we've begun chatting a lot more online. I even asked her to the December Formal Homestuck Dance happening this December (which I'm not running) (and she said yes, if she hasn't headed home to visit her parents at that time). She's also coming out to the Halloween Party this Saturday (which I AM running), at my request.

There are a large number of <3's now showing up in her messages to me. This sort of thing isn't THAT unusual in our general community, and I didn't really think anything of it... but when I sent a <3 back in an IM just now, she responded back with a ":D". I'm now slightly unsure of the sentiment behind it.

It's probably nothing. I just don't want to assume anything, or give the wrong impression either.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby PlasmaCow » 23 Oct 2012, 16:30

That depends entirely on the the sentiment you are trying to send, you didn't make it entirely clear...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby General Michi » 24 Oct 2012, 05:32

Yeah, are you looking for a relationship with her because it didn't come across that much in your post
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Cybertrash » 24 Oct 2012, 06:34

I suck at initiating contact :c
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 24 Oct 2012, 06:48

I suck at knowing when to stop trying to make contact, don't worry it's a pretty common thing.

On your side of things though that's one big reason I prefer to start online, because I'm much more comfortable firing up a fresh discourse with a username than I am in person. Alternatively, there's plenty of confidence-building methods out there, and if all else fails you can just say "balls to it" and try anyway. If nothing else an awkward start with mumbled words and tongue-tying is still something to break the ice with.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby RedNightmare » 24 Oct 2012, 07:03

So there's this girl at my student society (a really layed back one, not those you see on TV) that I am kind of falling for. Best part is, I get the feeling she might like me too. We've talked about a few things and always find time to strike up a conversation when we meet each other. And of course exchange smiles every so often (the flirty ones, I think).
She recently said she doesn't go to the movies as often as she used to. So I suggested I could go with her some time. She seemed to be cool with that, but it wasn't anything specific.
Next time I see her, I'm asking her out to go watch a movie. Wish me luck!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 24 Oct 2012, 07:14

Digital Dolphin wrote:There's a girl I've known for a couple years, she's a volunteer for my events, and we have a couple of fandoms in common (Ninja Turtles, Homestuck, various anime and movies). We were never super close, but recently we've begun chatting a lot more online. I even asked her to the December Formal Homestuck Dance happening this December (which I'm not running) (and she said yes, if she hasn't headed home to visit her parents at that time). She's also coming out to the Halloween Party this Saturday (which I AM running), at my request.

There are a large number of <3's now showing up in her messages to me. This sort of thing isn't THAT unusual in our general community, and I didn't really think anything of it... but when I sent a <3 back in an IM just now, she responded back with a ":D". I'm now slightly unsure of the sentiment behind it.

It's probably nothing. I just don't want to assume anything, or give the wrong impression either.

Err... maybe ask her what her intent is? Ask her out on a date? vOv
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 24 Oct 2012, 13:24

I...think I might have actually met someone quite special.

I'm really happy around her, and she seems to feel the same way about me, with very little margin of error on my part. Going to try not to rush things and let them move at their own pace, but I've nothing to suggest she's at any point being disingenuous.

We had a long chat tonight about what we personally think of relationships in general and what we're both looking for in them, and whilst she's a lot less certain about what she's looking for (though I'm by no means exhaustively informed about my end of things either), we're both very in the mind that it's worth trying to find whatever it is we're looking for, despite the potential difficulties inherent in the human dating system. I mentioned that I can provide hugs and conversation (and an excellent hot chocolate), and that everything else is up for investigation, to which she responded that she'd like to investigate.

Here's hoping a journey of optimism began with a screening of Frankenweenie in a small cinema buried somewhere in York.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 24 Oct 2012, 16:17

So, I,m not sure if you're particularly interested in updates, but I thought I'd share some :)

I don't want to be annoying by sharing every detail, but basically I saw him on both Monday night and yesterday night. Before the big event last weekend, we would paint miniatures every Monday and Tuesday to get ready. With the even over, one of the guys who painted with us decided to stop doing it, and that would have been a perfect excuse for him, too, but he said he wanted to keep doing it.
Yesterday we played a board game and he was in my team (2 against 2). So we talked strategy a lot.

Basically, everything went back to normal. Sean says I shouldn't give up, that just because he isn't interested doesn't mean he never will be. I don't really want to force anything though as I don't want to be pushy.

Also, something I didn't mention in this thread before, or to Sean originally because I didn't realise it was relevant, is that I also kissed him (a peck on the cheek).
To me, that's less intimate than a hug, and we used to hug all the time (I haven't dared doing it since, though). So I didn't realise that it could have contributed to the discomfort. I did it maybe a few minutes before I told him I liked him. Since he didn't react to it at all, I figured it was a non-issue, but Sean says that he probably didn't react because he was thinking something along the lines of "What the hell was that?".

Opinions are welcome. Either way, it seems that other than the rejection-that-Sean-says-isn't-really-a-rejection, we're back to normal and I can't say how relieved I am. Every other time I've told a guy I liked him or asked him out, the relationship we had just vanished or spiraled down. This time, there was like ten seconds of awkwardness and then, at least on the outside, everything was normal.

I still wonder how he feels. Is he uncomfortable because I'm dating Sean and he doesn't realise we're polyamorous? Does he know we're polyamorous but find the situation uncomfortable because he isn't? Is it because I was sleep-deprived and he thought I didn't actually mean it? Or is it just that he doesn't see me that way?
I wish I could ask him without making everything even more awkward.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby KiteNeravar » 24 Oct 2012, 18:38

I've had one relationship, lasted 1.5 years and ended less amicably. Haven't talked to her in almost 2 years, and she absolutely hates me.

Currently I am interested in a girl, haven't done anything about it and I am still kicking myself over not asking her to dance at a wedding recently.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby An Evil Herbivore » 24 Oct 2012, 21:48

So you guys remember that girl I talked about once? Link here? Well, after that, I got on a bit, went to a con dressed as slave Leia, got a date 'cuz of it, but now my ex wants to be friends again and the current girl says she doesn't know how she feels about me and maybe we should call it off. I feel shitty. Advice?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Dutch guy » 24 Oct 2012, 23:37

Kevin_Ford wrote:So you guys remember that girl I talked about once? Link here? Well, after that, I got on a bit, went to a con dressed as slave Leia, got a date 'cuz of it, but now my ex wants to be friends again and the current girl says she doesn't know how she feels about me and maybe we should call it off. I feel shitty. Advice?


DO NOT DARE DOUBT YOURSELF!

As for the whole ex wanting to be friends and the girl wanting to call it off...

I don't have even a bit of experience in that area, but I would say giving the current girl some space. Tell her you would like to be friends, maybe do some fun stuff as "just friends" some time in the future and see where it goes from there.

As for the ex... I dunno, exes wanting to be friends usually have "ulterior motives" from what I've seen. It could be fun, but it could also lead to a lot of drama. Expecially with if things DO progress or keep going with "the current girl".
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby KiteNeravar » 25 Oct 2012, 17:17

Oh I also kick myself for not offering her my jacket while we were standing out in the cold
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 25 Oct 2012, 17:35

If you're anything like me there will be a laundry list of little things like that. My advice is to try to relax and take things easy, because tensing up and second-guessing everything will more likely than not ruin any chances of romance you have. Admittedly that's hard advice to give without also giving incentive against it, but it's the truth.

Be calm, be confident, don't stress over things too much, and you'll have a much better time all around.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby KiteNeravar » 25 Oct 2012, 18:05

To be fair I actually did offer it to her but she turned it down with the reason of being used to the cold due to her "heart of ice" and I should have followed up with something like "you sure?" or
"just take the jacket Batman"

(We know each other outside of the wedding and she references her "heart of ice" often in conversation) There is a decent amount of complicated-ish back story involved too.

I kick myself because I usually don't miss out on opportunists like this so much as I make the choice not too act on them. This time I just waited to long and blew my chance.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby PlasmaCow » 26 Oct 2012, 06:12

Dutch guy wrote:As for the ex... I dunno, exes wanting to be friends usually have "ulterior motives" from what I've seen. It could be fun, but it could also lead to a lot of drama. Expecially with if things DO progress or keep going with "the current girl".


that's a bit cynical really, but then I suppose I'm from a moderately-small town where most people know (or are friend-of-a-friend) with everyone), so what is apparently called "friend-cest" (dating within your circle of friends) isn't exactly uncommon and I know a whole load of local ex-couples that a still friends.

KiteNeravar wrote:I kick myself because I usually don't miss out on opportunists like this so much as I make the choice not too act on them. This time I just waited to long and blew my chance.


Been there, done that. Sooo many times it's just silly now.
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