The Big Relationship Thread

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 19 Apr 2014, 12:21

I'm tempted to give something like that a try. Would "Ptangmatik" be a good username on there? I don't want to be "[name]42942421247" but while I wouldn't mind being seen as a bit odd, I don't want appear 'wacky'
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Geoff_B wrote: ... Even for here, that was weird.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 19 Apr 2014, 12:22

As long as you're not naming yourself Big Pappa Wang Slappa, I think you'll be alright.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 19 Apr 2014, 12:32

CHALLENGE ACCE-

no wait, they finished that show.

Just made 4 attempts at a profile shot, in each one I look like a bong-eyed beetroot. Time to go delve my old photos.

Ok, I look fairly good in the shot on

This shot in the post a picture thread

Except that I'm wearing a top hat and a t shirt, which, out of context of the photo thread, might look a little weird. I'll put it up for now anyway.

Thoughts?

2nd edit: Ok, I should really wait before continuing to post, I know, I'm daft.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 19 Apr 2014, 12:45

Damn it, if I was single I'd totally try that challenge.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 19 Apr 2014, 12:49

Odds on that name's already taken
Geoff_B wrote: ... Even for here, that was weird.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 19 Apr 2014, 13:18

Just saw your pic. I think the hat's a bit much out of context as you say. Although it might serve its purpose in that you've drawn attention to yourself.

So definitely keep for now and see what happens. It might be a good ice breaker.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 19 Apr 2014, 14:35

"The six things I couldn't do without"
1. My internal organs.

Edit1: Ok, profile's in a reasonable state, which'll do for now. This calls for whisky.

Edit2: Oh man, I am NOT a fan of Bell's. Nowhere near as nice a blended as Grouse.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby AeroCmdr » 19 Apr 2014, 22:09

Hi everybody, I know I don't post much on this forum anymore but I really need some place to talk right now.

I've been in a long distance relationship with Yoshi_Gal for about a year and a half, and while we've had problems in the past I really thought we were doing well. She came over and visited me for about a month last year and it was some of the best time of my life. I was even a couple of days from buying a ticket and planning a huge trip to go visit her.

But I received a random message from a man on Facebook that she's friends with earlier today that said she had cheated on me. I confronted her and it turns out it's true and she had no intention to tell me. The only reason I found out was because the man who told me was mad with her and it was in fact him she cheated on me with. She wanted us to keep going and I know I deserve better than that and would never be happy if I continued so I had to end it.

The thing that's really hurting me and why I really feel like talking about it here was that she wasn't sorry, she talked to me with no emotion whatsoever like she didn't even care, our time together seemed to mean nothing at all to her. I was madly in love with this girl for a year and a half and I was ready to make huge sacrifices to make us work but all the time spent together meant nothing to her. I'm just having a lot of trouble dealing with that and it really hurts to be confronted with that.

I know the only thing I can really do is move on and none of this was my fault, but this was my most serious relationship I've been in and finding myself single again is frankly scary to me. I have friends and family around me and that's helping a lot, but I really just needed to vent somewhere.

I know this ran really long but just typing it out has helped me a lot,
Thanks everyone
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 19 Apr 2014, 22:48

I know I don't really know you, but I'm really sorry to hear that. :| From the sounds of it, there was nothing you could have done differently, and at least it came to light sooner rather than later.

Perhaps what came across emotionless was a coping mechanism for guilt, or sadness, or whatever else she was feeling, but I don't think anyone else could say. As impossible as it must be, if I were you I'd try to find anything I could do (that is safe and legal, of course) to take my mind off of everything even for a couple of hours, to give your brain a rest. I can't really imagine what it must be like, but... we're here if you need to talk more.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 20 Apr 2014, 01:12

I think Jamfalcon might be onto something, I've found it common that people seem or sound emotionless when they speak about something that they're feeling bad about.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 20 Apr 2014, 01:29

I'm inclined to disagree with Jam and Deedles; normally I'm inclined to take the sympathetic view, but on this occasion I reckon it's just the way some people work. Monogamy is a big deal for some and less so for others, and people can be loving, caring, good people at all ends of that spectrum. But I reckon you're right- if you're not comfortable doing things that way, you shouldn't have to put up with it. Having said that, it could end up me being proved wrong by events, so we'll see.

I feel for ye man; something of a shiter for you right now. Feel free to vent and bitch and moan as much as you want here- we'll be around to support you if you need it. Keep your head up and just get through it for now- time is a good healer.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 20 Apr 2014, 02:08

I'm sorry to hear the Aero.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby AeroCmdr » 20 Apr 2014, 02:54

Thanks everyone, it's really nice to have people to talk to on here. I'm feeling a bit better now because thankfully it's Easter and I was given quite a lot of chocolate. Also I had a chance to zone out for a few hours and play some games with a friend.

I do think people can sound emotionless when they feel guilt but I don't think this is what she was feeling. I've seen her sad, and she really didn't seem that at all. She basically said she was only really sorry that I found out about it. I don't want to say anything too personal but, she honestly was kind of a selfish person during our relationship and she even told me that she's proud she can be completely emotionally cut off from people. She didn't even understand why I didn't want to be friends with her afterwards. It's the third or fourth relationship that's ended this way for her from what I understand now.

I know that really paints her in a bad light but she was my best friend and I honestly did love her.

In terms of being monogamous, we both agreed that's how our relationship would be when it started. She did something somewhat unfaithful earlier in our relationship but I gave her a chance and basically she promised me if she ever did something like this she'd at least be honest and tell me. I don't know why I believed that or just didn't break up with her then but I was younger and in a confusing time in my life. Maybe I was just lying to myself thinking people can change. I'm honestly hoping I don't transfer any trust issues to any future relationships because of this. Honestly I'm still shocked any of this happened, I just can't believe it's real. I just feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate y'all being here to talk to.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 20 Apr 2014, 09:38

AeroCmdr wrote:Thanks everyone, it's really nice to have people to talk to on here. I'm feeling a bit better now because thankfully it's Easter and I was given quite a lot of chocolate. Also I had a chance to zone out for a few hours and play some games with a friend.

I do think people can sound emotionless when they feel guilt but I don't think this is what she was feeling. I've seen her sad, and she really didn't seem that at all. She basically said she was only really sorry that I found out about it. I don't want to say anything too personal but, she honestly was kind of a selfish person during our relationship and she even told me that she's proud she can be completely emotionally cut off from people. She didn't even understand why I didn't want to be friends with her afterwards. It's the third or fourth relationship that's ended this way for her from what I understand now.

I know that really paints her in a bad light but she was my best friend and I honestly did love her.

In terms of being monogamous, we both agreed that's how our relationship would be when it started. She did something somewhat unfaithful earlier in our relationship but I gave her a chance and basically she promised me if she ever did something like this she'd at least be honest and tell me. I don't know why I believed that or just didn't break up with her then but I was younger and in a confusing time in my life. Maybe I was just lying to myself thinking people can change. I'm honestly hoping I don't transfer any trust issues to any future relationships because of this. Honestly I'm still shocked any of this happened, I just can't believe it's real. I just feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate y'all being here to talk to.


Yeah, it doesn't sound like guilt then, and I seriously don't know her well enough to theorize, but if it's a re-occurring issue it sounds like it could be commitment issues, or her possibly not being sure what she wants out of a relationship yet.

Just know that this is on her, not you, she's the one with the problem and she has to sort her stuff out. It'll be tough for a while, and I'm certain there'll be times where you're sad, angry, or just confused. That'll pass, even the times where it feels it won't, it will, and it will get better.

In the meantime, if you ever want to chat about it I'm always open to PMs, or you can add me on Skype. My username is Nintarie.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:I'm inclined to disagree with Jam and Deedles; normally I'm inclined to take the sympathetic view, but on this occasion I reckon it's just the way some people work. Monogamy is a big deal for some and less so for others, and people can be loving, caring, good people at all ends of that spectrum. But I reckon you're right- if you're not comfortable doing things that way, you shouldn't have to put up with it. Having said that, it could end up me being proved wrong by events, so we'll see.

I feel for ye man; something of a shiter for you right now. Feel free to vent and bitch and moan as much as you want here- we'll be around to support you if you need it. Keep your head up and just get through it for now- time is a good healer.


I didn't mean that he should stick around and give her another chance, I know I wouldn't, but sometimes the pain can be lessened by trying to understand the other side at least. Just because you can understand something doesn't mean that you have to condone it, or even forgive it, but it at least means that you don't have to sit there asking yourself 'why?'.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 20 Apr 2014, 10:11

Deedles wrote:I didn't mean that he should stick around and give her another chance, I know I wouldn't, but sometimes the pain can be lessened by trying to understand the other side at least. Just because you can understand something doesn't mean that you have to condone it, or even forgive it, but it at least means that you don't have to sit there asking yourself 'why?'.

Yeah, that's the angle I was looking at it from too. Obviously I wasn't present and can't really judge something like tone of voice.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 20 Apr 2014, 10:58

Deedles wrote:I didn't mean that he should stick around and give her another chance, I know I wouldn't, but sometimes the pain can be lessened by trying to understand the other side at least. Just because you can understand something doesn't mean that you have to condone it, or even forgive it, but it at least means that you don't have to sit there asking yourself 'why?'.


Agreed; every behaviour has a justification, and I hate not considering it. It encourages kneejerk and unhelpful responses. Twas just an opinion, my apologies for delivering it badly
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby AeroCmdr » 20 Apr 2014, 22:45

I simply can't thank you enough for being here for me and listening even though we haven't known each other for very long. I count you all as good friends.



I haven't really been able to get much sleep so I've had quite a lot of time to look back in retrospect. I also had a nice talk with Fayili which let me realize some things about how our relationship evolved and also how she did too as a person.

We were doing really well as a couple until about early last year when she did something fairly unfaithful but she genuinely seemed like she regretted it more than anything she's done in her life before so I gave her a chance and things got better. She then came over in November for a bit over a month. We had an amazing time together and I was actually surprised how perfectly we got along staying in such a small space for so long. I was really happy about that and couldn't wait to fly over and spend time with her in her home town. Then she left in December and things moved into January and started getting out of place.

I think this was probably around the time she cheated on me because she just didn't really talk to me like she used to but she was working out what she was going to do school wise so I thought it was just not having too much free time. Like she used to basically call me every other day and then turned into never wanting to talk all of a sudden.

Then in around February my Grandfather passed away. She said she still didn't really have time for me. I was really really torn up by his passing and even though I practically begged her to call me and help me through it every day, she didn't really care. She couldn't spare five minutes to talk to me even though she basically had no work or school at all. She just said I wish I had someone here in person and I didn't know what to do. I basically said I didn't want to be in a relationship with her if that's how it was going to be from now on and then everything just went back to normal suddenly. I basically ignored the previous month or two just wanting to move onto a happier time. But then I found out what she did and here we are now.

I'm not sure what happened over the past few months but knowing her for the around two years I have she became more and more selfish and apathetic about our relationship and as a person overall. She did not care at all that she hurt me in such a personal way and our entire relationship seemed like it didn't mean a thing to her.

She honestly has shown more emotion watching the Walking Dead than she did telling me about what really happened. She told me that when she met the guy she basically immediately decided to kiss him. When he texted her to come over to his place she did and when she told him she had a boyfriend she literally said YOLO and slept with him with basically no hesitation. She felt no guilt for lying about this to me at all and said that she was just annoyed that I found out. I'm really not even sure why she still wanted me to come over exactly. The only thing I can really think of is that she just wanted to show off the "American Boyfriend" she's been telling her friends about after all that time.

I know I typed out a lot and much of this I've already said. I know it's not my fault for what happened, but now I completely realize that she's turned into a very selfish person with such a lack of empathy and compassion that I'm probably lucky that it ended now rather than in a year or two when I could have lost a lot more. I feel better knowing that and I know I'll eventually be able to move on completely. But it still just really hurts when I look back on how much we really loved each other. How her eyes would completely light up every time she saw me and how she would tell me how happy and lucky she was that we were able to find each other. She was my best friend and my favorite person in the whole world. I honestly just really wish it didn't have to end this way.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby RedNightmare » 20 Apr 2014, 23:07

I'm so sorry to hear all this AeroCmdr. I don't have any experience with relationships ending like this, so I can't give any specific advice or such.

The only think I can tell you is keep taking it one day at a time. it will seem hard in the beginning but some day you'll realise that you have given it a place and have moved on.

If you want to talk more, feel free to dump it here or PM.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 21 Apr 2014, 02:05

You deserve far better than that. It might not be the happiest ending, but as you said, it's good that it ended when it did.

You got a lot of love to give and you should find someone that actually deserves it. Right now, take some time to yourself to recover and when you feel ready, just get out and enjoy your life again. The right woman will come into your life one day.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 21 Apr 2014, 06:10

I just had two double cheese burgers from Burger King. My relationship with my stomach is under strain. Too...much...goodness.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby viscomica » 21 Apr 2014, 07:08

AeroCmdr wrote:I simply can't thank you enough for being here for me and listening even though we haven't known each other for very long. I count you all as good friends.



I haven't really been able to get much sleep so I've had quite a lot of time to look back in retrospect. I also had a nice talk with Fayili which let me realize some things about how our relationship evolved and also how she did too as a person.

We were doing really well as a couple until about early last year when she did something fairly unfaithful but she genuinely seemed like she regretted it more than anything she's done in her life before so I gave her a chance and things got better. She then came over in November for a bit over a month. We had an amazing time together and I was actually surprised how perfectly we got along staying in such a small space for so long. I was really happy about that and couldn't wait to fly over and spend time with her in her home town. Then she left in December and things moved into January and started getting out of place.

I think this was probably around the time she cheated on me because she just didn't really talk to me like she used to but she was working out what she was going to do school wise so I thought it was just not having too much free time. Like she used to basically call me every other day and then turned into never wanting to talk all of a sudden.

Then in around February my Grandfather passed away. She said she still didn't really have time for me. I was really really torn up by his passing and even though I practically begged her to call me and help me through it every day, she didn't really care. She couldn't spare five minutes to talk to me even though she basically had no work or school at all. She just said I wish I had someone here in person and I didn't know what to do. I basically said I didn't want to be in a relationship with her if that's how it was going to be from now on and then everything just went back to normal suddenly. I basically ignored the previous month or two just wanting to move onto a happier time. But then I found out what she did and here we are now.

I'm not sure what happened over the past few months but knowing her for the around two years I have she became more and more selfish and apathetic about our relationship and as a person overall. She did not care at all that she hurt me in such a personal way and our entire relationship seemed like it didn't mean a thing to her.

She honestly has shown more emotion watching the Walking Dead than she did telling me about what really happened. She told me that when she met the guy she basically immediately decided to kiss him. When he texted her to come over to his place she did and when she told him she had a boyfriend she literally said YOLO and slept with him with basically no hesitation. She felt no guilt for lying about this to me at all and said that she was just annoyed that I found out. I'm really not even sure why she still wanted me to come over exactly. The only thing I can really think of is that she just wanted to show off the "American Boyfriend" she's been telling her friends about after all that time.

I know I typed out a lot and much of this I've already said. I know it's not my fault for what happened, but now I completely realize that she's turned into a very selfish person with such a lack of empathy and compassion that I'm probably lucky that it ended now rather than in a year or two when I could have lost a lot more. I feel better knowing that and I know I'll eventually be able to move on completely. But it still just really hurts when I look back on how much we really loved each other. How her eyes would completely light up every time she saw me and how she would tell me how happy and lucky she was that we were able to find each other. She was my best friend and my favorite person in the whole world. I honestly just really wish it didn't have to end this way.


I feel for you man. I honestly don't know what to say about your situation. But it gets better. Keep in mind that at least you found out and now know what kind of person she really was and that you're better off alone than with her if she was gonna keep hurting you in the way you've described. It sounds really cliché, but in time you'll be really glad you didn't stick with her and moved on to better things. If anything there's always that old saying "friends leave you but pizza is forever" :D (just joking of course)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 21 Apr 2014, 07:39

Sorry Aero, that stinks.

Don't worry, soon the depression and self-pity will give way to searing hatred. And that's much easier to manage.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby RedNightmare » 21 Apr 2014, 07:48

viscomica wrote:If anything there's always that old saying "friends leave you but pizza is forever" :D (just joking of course)

Not around me they aren't. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 21 Apr 2014, 09:55

Forgive the brashness Aero but she sounds like she was an asshole about feelings and commitment and you're way better off without her. The more you try to understand how some people can be the way they are, the more frustrating the whole thing will be for you. Look at it this way, you didn't waste any more time with her and now you're free to find a person who will actually appreciate you and value you.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby auberginequeen » 21 Apr 2014, 13:41

It's probably not my place to say this but it sounds like she lost interest in you a while back but was motivated for some reason to keep it going. If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that she felt obligated to stay because you needed someone so desperately after the death of your grandfather. It's hard to turn away from someone in their time of need, regardless of how you feel about them. Another possibility is she didn't want to hazard being on her own back then, or didn't want to give up what she thought she had even though it wasn't what she wanted anymore. It's hard to say.

Either way, doing things out of a sense of obligation, especially when you'd rather be doing something else (like dating other people), inevitably breeds resentment. You almost always end up feeling trapped. It sounds like she came to resent the fact that she felt tied down to you, and so she ended up acting out against you and didn't really feel much when you found out about her infidelity because she'd already "checked out" long ago.

That's my two cents, anyway. I might be wrong, and I apologise to her for my supposition if I am. Of course, that doesn't make this your fault in the slightest but, well, I can empathize with you both. I'm sorry this happened to you; no one deserves to be treated that way. I know you're strong enough to get through it though, and if you want another person to talk to (I tend to be up late into the night), I'm gone-bunburying on Skype.

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