The Big Relationship Thread

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 25 Apr 2014, 12:23

I went past that stage at about 14. Other than occasional bursts of creativity (which are strange, since I'm not a particularly creative person), I just don't find it holds my interest.

'Not holding my interest' is a recurrent problem at present
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby 2stepz » 25 Apr 2014, 20:02

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:
2stepz wrote:Just FYI for guys on OKC... Please... PLEASE... say something more than "hi" if you contact a girl. Two letter messages are just uncomfortably strange.


Having been shown the list of replies received by a (female) friend on Tinder, trust me- you can also do significantly worse than 'hi'.

On an unrelated note, suffering a rather painful bout of loneliness-induced angst right now. Single person's blues is depressing and sucky


I'm in my thirties, and have been a female on online dating sites for more than 10 years... trust me, I have seen it all. Doesn't make my complaint any less valid. If you're going to have the gumption to make first contact, actually make an effort and start a conversation... give me something to work with.

Even a "hey baby, wanna hookup?" (or something more perverse or blatant) gives me something to work with.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 25 Apr 2014, 21:19

When it comes to sending messages for the first time on cupid, it's hit and miss. I was oddly methodical about it all. I did quick match for a while, compiled a list of girls that I liked, sent most of them messages. I varied my approach for each one, it's always going to be awkward, so let it be awkward. I usually went with a polite compliment, mixed with a few references to their profile. Always ask questions, invite a response. Try and keep it light, but engaging. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, don't take it personal if you don't get a response.

It's not an exact science, but so far it seems to be working for me. I meet my first OKCupid girl tomorrow for coffee.

I suppose I also have a statistical advantage, in that I live in New York, where there are more young women per capita than in many other places in the world. Also, OKCupid is a thing that is done and accepted here.

Personally, I'm glad for it. It's possible I'll eat my words later, but it's made it a hell of a lot easier to meet people outside of my circle of friends, I don't seem to be going to a lot of parties and things recently, so it's easier for meeting people in general. And also, I'm glad to be meeting people who aren't actresses. I mean, there's nothing wrong with actresses, but they seem to be the only people I meet most of the time. They have a lot of the same insecurities as me, and more, because they're women in a field that hates women in a very passive aggressive way, and that's understandable. But I sort of want to meet some normal people for a bit.

Anyway, that's enough from me. Bed time.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Apr 2014, 09:16

I keep thinking it's more down to what I have on my profile, in my own case. I send messages and I know I get people to look at my profile. I tried to talk about myself and what I'm looking for...


Would anyone mind having a look over it and telling me where they think I could change things to make improvements?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 28 Apr 2014, 09:19

The Jester wrote:Would anyone mind having a look over it and telling me where they think I could change things to make improvements?

I'm far from an expert, but I can give it a look and let you know if anything stands out. Will I need an account to see it?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Apr 2014, 09:58

I don't know if you have to have an account to view my profile or not, but here's a link and I guess we'll find out. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 28 Apr 2014, 10:33

I can indeed see it. On the whole, it looks pretty good. Here are a few things that did stand out, though:

The main picture isn't great, from a photography standpoint. I think the second one is stronger, but ideally, you might be better off with something that is closer to your face, maybe just head and shoulders. Better lighting would do wonders, especially outdoors in good weather. Lastly, having someone other than yourself take the picture, if its an option, would probably help. Since people are probably going to be seeing it first in just the small box at the top of your profile, not at full size, you'd probably benefit from something clearer. The way it is now is, to me at least, not the most flattering picture of you.

Small typo in the first paragraph: "when I'm selected gifts". I'd also say that, while I see what you're trying to convey with talking about gifts, some people might take that as a sign you're very materialistic, or that you think a relationship is built on gifts. It might be worth finding a different example to get across the point you're trying to make.

Another small typo, you have a semi-colon instead of a colon in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Petty though it might be, I can certainly imagine a lack of polish (though on the whole your profile seems quite well put together) being the straw that breaks the camel's back and convinces someone not to respond.

Last of all, I'd probably take out the part about disliking modern pop. If it isn't going to be a deal breaker for you if they do like it, all that's serving to do is dissuade people who do enjoy the genre. Shared musical taste is a good starting block, but conflicting taste isn't really a huge issue, in most cases.

Overall, it seems well written, and does a good job of conveying the sort of person you are without being overly long. I think in particular getting a more eye-catching picture (in terms of photographic composition, that's not a comment on your appearance) and changing that first paragraph a little will be the biggest improvements you can make at this point.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Apr 2014, 11:57

Cool, thanks man. I'll change what you've suggested, they're good calls. I was worried about the way that the sentence about gifts came across. It's good to know it read like it could be a materialistic thing to someone else.

I wasn't sure about stating how willing I am to have a less commitment-based relationship if it came along, but I don't want to talk like I'm looking for my one-and-only when I intend to move away in five months.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 28 Apr 2014, 12:11

Yeah, I was actually originally going to say something about that. It could be a deterrent for some people, as could the part about moving soon. But I think the difference is that since it is accurate information about your situation and what you're looking for, it's probably worth having up front. That way the people who do respond are the ones that aren't bothered by that aspect.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 28 Apr 2014, 12:58

I would make it a little shorter in the "About Me" essay. I know when I read people's profiles I tend to look at the picture, and move through the profile fairly quickly, looking for highlights and things to latch on to. Jamfalcon's right, there are better pictures of you around. For one, the lighting in the pictures you have up right now makes your hair look washed out, and you look a lot older than you are.

You don't have to have every paragraph linking back to dating at the end, either. You do this several times, and while it's all nice stuff you're saying, it puts more pressure on someone who might message you. You're on a dating site, everyone knows why you're there, you don;t need to keep reminding them. Make the "About Me" section about you, not about who you are with other people. "What I'm doing with my life", mention your blog, talk about your art, that's all cool stuff that will pique interest. The fact that you go straight back to what you're looking for in a relationship at the end will make people feel that if they go on one date with you it will already be serious. Don't worry about that stuff, your profile is about you as an individual, not who you are planning to be in a couple. And what will "sell" you is being a strong dynamic individual (which you are) who is already a complete person. That's what will attract another interesting, dynamic person. Not saying what a great boyfriend you'll be. To use the old adage "Show, don't tell'.

And I know it might sound a little phony, the things I'm telling you to do, but you don't need to sell yourself as "the one and only". Be as self-effacing as you like (just remember, a little goes a long way). Keep it light and fun. Dating is supposed to be fun. A little more humour wouldn't hurt, and always remember, OkCupid is there to get you the first date, nothing more.

Also, just from knowing you, I would put some of your art in the pictures section. Put one drawing so that it will appear in the first three, and then have an album with four or five of your best drawings in it. Talent is sexy.

I hope some of this helps, because just knowing you from here, you have a lot more to offer than what you're currently showing in your profile. You can do it Jester!

Oh, we have an 86% match, BTW.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Apr 2014, 13:26

Hah, yes. If only we were both at least bi and in the same country. :P

I'll have a look for some pictures to add, but I'm not sure what to go with. I haven't drawn anything for a while, and I'm not very happy with the last seven or so pictures I drew (as most of that number are all pictures of my ex). It also hadn't occurred to me to add some.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 28 Apr 2014, 13:34

Draw me like one of your French girls!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Apr 2014, 13:37

I, uh, have never to my knowledge drawn a French girl.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 28 Apr 2014, 19:09

Well, what do you think you should start doing?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 29 Apr 2014, 15:32

Obviously imploring Avistew to pose for me. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 29 Apr 2014, 20:24

Haha well I might be a bit far from you for that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 29 Apr 2014, 21:19

Four words: Titanic themed Skype date
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 30 Apr 2014, 06:28

If you wanted a full cast of characters a hangout might be better
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 30 Apr 2014, 11:20

Yes, a Titanic themed anything is not destined for disaster. Sure.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 30 Apr 2014, 11:37

Unless you're not playing the Molly Brown part, sure.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 30 Apr 2014, 12:53

Or the iceberg! Play it cool!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 30 Apr 2014, 13:14

I have a slight problem. Want to pose a question but:

it's too early to do it now;
little concerned is if I leave it too long I will lose my chance;
not sure how to ask;
if I do ask it may scare them;
I'm pretty sure the answer will be no.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 30 Apr 2014, 13:23

I have zero practical experience, but am told the way to do so is to ask significantly earlier than you 'think' is suitable, but to do so in the most relaxed, jokey way possible. However, I wouldn't want you to take my advice without a good chunk of independent corroboration.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 30 Apr 2014, 13:25

My joking but sincere way would be sending an 'Application Form to Be Your Boyfriend'.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 30 Apr 2014, 13:27

Well, you could do worse.

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