The Big Relationship Thread

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 06 May 2014, 12:32

Well then, how about a compromise- mention it once, but in a very carefree and relaxed way, letting everyone know that the cards are on the table but making sure it doesn't become the main issue if you and another just want to enjoy one another's company for the time being. Let them judge you on who you are rather than your availability, so to speak.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby viscomica » 06 May 2014, 13:43

Maybe the "I will be travelling a lot" should be brought up in person rather than in your profile. Most people won't want to get to know you if only a few months later you'll be gone.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 06 May 2014, 17:53

I think hiding it would be a bad idea, but no need to say it over and over again. It can sound like you're pushing people away or only looking for casual sex.

Mention it once in the profile, then talk about it more in person as it comes up, or if someone asks you in a message before a date happens (some people like exchanging messages for a few months before meeting in person).

If you're still looking for a long-term relationship, maybe instead of saying "I'll be abroad" phrase it more like "the relationship might be long-distance at some point before I come back to settle down after finishing my studies" or something. I don't mean say that in the profile, by the way. Although in the "contact me if" you could add "are willing to be long-distance for a few months" I guess.

Bottom line is, you'll lose prospective dates because you're travelling. That could mean losing them right from the start and not getting responses, or losing them after you've invested time and energy for nothing. I'd always err on the side of losing incompatible matches as early as possible, even if that means not getting messages at all for a while. Better for them to be discouraged by it before either of you are attached than learning later, and either staying reluctantly because they're already attached (which would be a shitty thing to do to them) or break it off.

If you're looking for something casual, say so. If you're looking for something serious but can't offer it until you're 30, don't pretend to offer it now.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Kortanios » 07 May 2014, 05:36

Thanks for the input guys! I prefer to not lead people on to begin with so I have left the traveling a lot in the future in but I have reduced it to one mention (and made it sound less like "I will be falling off the face of the earth in a few months" as I am actually planning to do my PhD in seeing-each-other-over-the-weekend distance (or less) from where I am now). And I have made it more clear that I'm not looking for some settling down, moving in together kind of relationship (to be honest I wouldn't want to date someone who is looking for that in their early 20s).
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby AeroCmdr » 07 May 2014, 08:19

Hey again everyone, I posted a few weeks ago about a pretty bad breakup I was going through and I wanted to kind of give an update I guess you could say rather than disappear completely. First off I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who gave me advice and talked to me at the time. It really means a lot how many of you were there for me even though we might not know each other very well. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate it and how much it helped, thank you all.

I've been trying to stay as active as I can and get out as much as possible over the past couple weeks but honestly it hasn't been that much. I'm unemployed right now and don't really have any local friends so finding reasons to leave the house and not be a complete recluse has been tough at times. I've mostly been using the time to try and better myself and think about what I want in life. I've started working out a lot more and have been trying to do whatever I can to improve myself. I don't think I'll be ready emotionally to get out there and try dating again for a very long time, but I'm hoping that getting into better shape will help me with confidence whenever I am. Other than that the days have been fine other than being slow but the nights have gotten worse for me. Before I met my ex I had a history of anxiety making me have really bad trouble sleeping and since the breakup that's been showing up a lot again lately. I have difficulty kind of "turning my brain off" you could say especially when it's completely quiet. I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can put off job hunting until I feel capable of actually having a reliable sleeping schedule again, but I'm honestly not sure how long that could take.

Now I did have a question that I was hoping to get some opinions on. I kind of feel like I don't really have much, if any, closure with my ex. I went from learning that she cheated on me to confronting her to being broken up in about the span of twenty minutes. It was very sudden so there are a lot of questions about certain events I've been wondering about over the past few weeks that have been bothering me that only she can really answer but I never had a chance to ask. Basically I was wondering if y'all thought if contacting her to try and resolve some of my unanswered issues was a good idea or not.

Part of me is hoping that talking to her could resolve a lot of anxiety I've been having and help me move on. But another part of me is worried that it's just me trying to make an excuse to talk to her again because there's still of course a part of me that misses having her in my life. So I'm worried it could also be a really big mistake to try and do that. In either case, thanks again for all your help everyone. It really does mean a lot to me.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 07 May 2014, 08:28

Hi, still single.

I have a question. Is it "cheating" if I have a infatuation on more than one person? Because it makes me feel like if I did get in a relationship with someone, I would be worried that I might still have feelings for the other people I was infatuated with. It makes me question Am I actually attracted to them?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 07 May 2014, 08:42

AeroCmdr wrote:Hey again everyone, I posted a few weeks ago about a pretty bad breakup I was going through and I wanted to kind of give an update I guess you could say rather than disappear completely. First off I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who gave me advice and talked to me at the time. It really means a lot how many of you were there for me even though we might not know each other very well. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate it and how much it helped, thank you all.

I've been trying to stay as active as I can and get out as much as possible over the past couple weeks but honestly it hasn't been that much. I'm unemployed right now and don't really have any local friends so finding reasons to leave the house and not be a complete recluse has been tough at times. I've mostly been using the time to try and better myself and think about what I want in life. I've started working out a lot more and have been trying to do whatever I can to improve myself. I don't think I'll be ready emotionally to get out there and try dating again for a very long time, but I'm hoping that getting into better shape will help me with confidence whenever I am. Other than that the days have been fine other than being slow but the nights have gotten worse for me. Before I met my ex I had a history of anxiety making me have really bad trouble sleeping and since the breakup that's been showing up a lot again lately. I have difficulty kind of "turning my brain off" you could say especially when it's completely quiet. I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can put off job hunting until I feel capable of actually having a reliable sleeping schedule again, but I'm honestly not sure how long that could take.

Now I did have a question that I was hoping to get some opinions on. I kind of feel like I don't really have much, if any, closure with my ex. I went from learning that she cheated on me to confronting her to being broken up in about the span of twenty minutes. It was very sudden so there are a lot of questions about certain events I've been wondering about over the past few weeks that have been bothering me that only she can really answer but I never had a chance to ask. Basically I was wondering if y'all thought if contacting her to try and resolve some of my unanswered issues was a good idea or not.

Part of me is hoping that talking to her could resolve a lot of anxiety I've been having and help me move on. But another part of me is worried that it's just me trying to make an excuse to talk to her again because there's still of course a part of me that misses having her in my life. So I'm worried it could also be a really big mistake to try and do that. In either case, thanks again for all your help everyone. It really does mean a lot to me.


IMO, leave it- at least for right now. Your breakup is less than two weeks old, and y'all need some time for the dust to settle. In a situation such as this, getting your own feelings & emotional state regarding your former partner should be your main priority, and the more you spend time around each other the more uncomfortable it will be for you both.

Merrymaker_Mortalis wrote:Hi, still single.

I have a question. Is it "cheating" if I have a infatuation on more than one person? Because it makes me feel like if I did get in a relationship with someone, I would be worried that I might still have feelings for the other people I was infatuated with. It makes me question Am I actually attracted to them?


If one is honest with their partner about it, there's no reason for them to feel guilty about such things. If there's no betrayal of trust and all parties are open with one another, there should be nothing for anyone to worry about.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 07 May 2014, 09:11

^What he said, on both accounts.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 07 May 2014, 09:55

AeroCmdr wrote:Now I did have a question that I was hoping to get some opinions on. I kind of feel like I don't really have much, if any, closure with my ex. I went from learning that she cheated on me to confronting her to being broken up in about the span of twenty minutes. It was very sudden so there are a lot of questions about certain events I've been wondering about over the past few weeks that have been bothering me that only she can really answer but I never had a chance to ask. Basically I was wondering if y'all thought if contacting her to try and resolve some of my unanswered issues was a good idea or not.

Part of me is hoping that talking to her could resolve a lot of anxiety I've been having and help me move on. But another part of me is worried that it's just me trying to make an excuse to talk to her again because there's still of course a part of me that misses having her in my life. So I'm worried it could also be a really big mistake to try and do that. In either case, thanks again for all your help everyone. It really does mean a lot to me.


Hi Aero, my advice still stands. A loved one wronged you and you want to understand why, because if you don't, what's stopping everybody else from suddenly betraying you? You want to rationalize the fact so you can cope with it and move on. That's all natural and understandable. What's your best case scenario though, she tells you that you were pushing her away or something like that, is that it? Isn't your ex the one that got pissed off because you caught her cheating and having to explain the affair annoyed her so she dumpled you instead? Sometimes there's no good explanation mate. Maybe you didn't really know her, maybe this was her all along. It's shocking but at some point in your life you have to deal with it: you can't explain or understand everyone. Some people are too engrossed in themselves to mind the harm they cause to others.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 07 May 2014, 10:04

I think Bebop has said it better than I could.

You'll spend your life wondering why. Fact is, maybe even she doesn't know why. It's her nature. Just remember that the next relationship is a new start. Clean slate. And when you feel ready, you'll realise you were better off without the last one and FAR happier now. You're not trying to make things work. You're not forcing an effort.

When you find the right person, things just... happen. They fall into place. No planning, no thinking. It all just feels right. That someone will fall into your life one day when you stop looking.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Kortanios » 07 May 2014, 10:31

^What Bebop said. Sometimes people are just not able to see how what they do can result in others getting hurt. If that's the case here you are better off without her and don't really want to know her logic for everything because it would be even more infuriating.

Also, on the anxiety/issues with sleeping, I had a similar problem and for me exercising about 2-3 hours before when you want to go to sleep and just completely physically exhausting yourself so that when the adrenaline wears off you just collapse into bed did wonders. It might not work for everyone but if you keep having problems with sleeping that might help.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby AeroCmdr » 07 May 2014, 11:09

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:IMO, leave it- at least for right now. Your breakup is less than two weeks old, and y'all need some time for the dust to settle. In a situation such as this, getting your own feelings & emotional state regarding your former partner should be your main priority, and the more you spend time around each other the more uncomfortable it will be for you both.
Thanks, thinking about it you're right. Waiting a few more weeks or even a few months and then seeing how I feel about it would be for the best.

Bebop Man wrote:Hi Aero, my advice still stands. A loved one wronged you and you want to understand why, because if you don't, what's stopping everybody else from suddenly betraying you? You want to rationalize the fact so you can cope with it and move on. That's all natural and understandable. What's your best case scenario though, she tells you that you were pushing her away or something like that, is that it? Isn't your ex the one that got pissed off because you caught her cheating and having to explain the affair annoyed her so she dumpled you instead? Sometimes there's no good explanation mate. Maybe you didn't really know her, maybe this was her all along. It's shocking but at some point in your life you have to deal with it: you can't explain or understand everyone. Some people are too engrossed in themselves to mind the harm they cause to others.
I think you're right too. It's true that she was more annoyed over the fact that I found out rather than sorry that she did it, but I was the one who dumped her. She still wanted me to fly over and visit but I knew that wasn't something I'd ever be happy with. I think there's a part of me that's hoping that her being that cold was just a defense mechanism, because that wasn't the person I knew and spent time with. But then you're definitely right in that it could have just been the real her coming out at last. I think you're also definitely right in that a part of me is just hoping to find a deeper explanation even though there probably isn't one. There are a couple other questions I wanted to ask her but none of them are especially important to find out the answers to. It's petty, but I think I was also hoping to find out if she was actually sad or truly was indifferent about the split. I heard that she apparently still everyday wears the personalized anniversary necklace I gave her and I can't understand why she would do based on how she acted.

Darkobra wrote:I think Bebop has said it better than I could.

You'll spend your life wondering why. Fact is, maybe even she doesn't know why. It's her nature. Just remember that the next relationship is a new start. Clean slate. And when you feel ready, you'll realise you were better off without the last one and FAR happier now. You're not trying to make things work. You're not forcing an effort.

When you find the right person, things just... happen. They fall into place. No planning, no thinking. It all just feels right. That someone will fall into your life one day when you stop looking.


Kortanios wrote:^What Bebop said. Sometimes people are just not able to see how what they do can result in others getting hurt. If that's the case here you are better off without her and don't really want to know her logic for everything because it would be even more infuriating.

Also, on the anxiety/issues with sleeping, I had a similar problem and for me exercising about 2-3 hours before when you want to go to sleep and just completely physically exhausting yourself so that when the adrenaline wears off you just collapse into bed did wonders. It might not work for everyone but if you keep having problems with sleeping that might help.
Thanks Darkobra and Kortanios. I think my issue for a while was that I was struggling with trying to find logic in what happened even though there probably wasn't much if any. She could have very well just been a sociopath for all I know. I'm really just hoping I don't subconsciously have trust issues with future relationships because on this whole ordeal but I think that might be looking a bit too far ahead.

I'm going to move my exercise routine to be a few hours before bed and try that out now. I never would have thought of that, thanks!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 07 May 2014, 11:13

After talking to a few people, I'm going to use my artistic skills to help me.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 07 May 2014, 11:38

Artistic skills certainly helped THIS guy!

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Sieg Reyu » 07 May 2014, 13:24

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 07 May 2014, 17:23

Merrymaker_Mortalis wrote:Hi, still single.

I have a question. Is it "cheating" if I have a infatuation on more than one person? Because it makes me feel like if I did get in a relationship with someone, I would be worried that I might still have feelings for the other people I was infatuated with. It makes me question Am I actually attracted to them?


I'm going to go with "no". You're not hurting anyone, so that's not cheating. Now, having a crush on someone while you're dating someone else isn't necessarily cheating either. People don't stop being attracted to everyone else when they enter a relationship. Being aware of that will go a long way towards ensuring you have realistic expectations in your relationships.

There is the slight possibility that you are polyamorous, if you think you might be I would suggest exploring that aspect, and figuring out for sure, because realising that while in a monogamous relationship would suck.

But chances are you aren't polyamorous, you're just a regular human being, able to be attracted to more than one person at a time. Dedicate yourself to any current relationship you have, don't have sex with others when you're in an exclusive relationship, and you won't be a cheater. Fantasies are fair game, thinking about someone else is fair game, don't police your brain. Just don't act on it if you're in a monogamous relationship, and you're good.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fezzul » 07 May 2014, 20:35

No. At least that's the principle I'm operating on at the moment. I'm going on dates with a few different girls right now, but it's all first/second dates. It's just a matter of meeting people. I'm not polyamorous, and I have no desire to be. I wouldn't consider it cheating unless we had made a commitment to one another.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Drecon » 08 May 2014, 04:31

First of all, you can be attracted to any number of people, you're not hurting anyone by that. Lying to yourself about whom you are or aren't attracted to won't help anyone.

Being attracted to people doesn't just magically stop. I'm in a stable relationship for 2,5 years and I regularly find myself thinking that other girls are attractive. No harm done. Just make sure you're not starting anything with someone while you are romantically involved with another. Actions can be cheating, thoughts and feelings never.

On my own front.. 56 days until the gf returns from Africa... Tough times, bus luckily she has internet access, meaning we can still use WhatsApp regularly. All the small bits help.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 11 May 2014, 13:06

Are 8 pieces of well-produced art over the top for what I want to do?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 12 May 2014, 14:14

I reckon one particularly well-constructed one would do to start with. Human beings tend to average gifts rather than add them, intuitively, so we generally appreciate fewer & better more than more but lesser.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 12 May 2014, 14:31

Everything has equal thought, care and hair pulling put into it. Also it tells a little story.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 12 May 2014, 14:37

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:I reckon one particularly well-constructed one would do to start with. Human beings tend to average gifts rather than add them, intuitively, so we generally appreciate fewer & better more than more but lesser.


I would disagree. I think people have different experiences, tastes and place different values on things. I would for instance place less value on one trip to hawaii than 4-5 movie dates, despite the first one costing much more, because the trip is just one thing, the movie dates are one thing each.

EDIT: I would also place a higher value on something made rather than purchased, and if purchased, something that obviously had thought put into it to match me rather than be a general "thing guys are supposed to get for women" kind of thing.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 12 May 2014, 14:46

No more than three pieces of art, Elomin. If she shows an interest in the first, you have two more pieces to show her. After that, she'll either get bored or be kept wanting to see more.

On one hand, you stop before you take things too far, on the other hand, you make her want to pursue your art more.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 12 May 2014, 14:48

She knows I'm a decent artist already.
Also there's a plan with the art. I planned it. It'll have words and art. It's all part of the plan.
A lot of work for what I'm pretty sure is going to be "no".
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby viscomica » 12 May 2014, 14:51

What are you talking about? (pandas are awfully clueless creatures, I'm afraid)

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