The Big Relationship Thread

[Ptangmatik]

I was leaving Edinburgh in four hours, I was quite ill (lurgy, not anything life threatening, but just felt (and continues to feel) like a massive hangover) and had had a nasty nose bleed the previous night, so not exactly at my most suave.

She was charming, cute, confident, and when I said I was going for pancakes, she said "ooo, I love pancakes". We'd been idly chatting occasionally in the street once every few days for the past fortnight, and at a performance we both happened to attend. (Also, we'd shared a gin and tonic at her gig the previous week for a complicated reason that was a part of her act; essentially, she couldn't hold it and play the piano at the same time).

She was flyering for her last gig of the run, which she was performing in half an hour. I wished her luck and walked off, filled with regret.

I just don't know. Perhaps I'm doomed. I actually asked her out the previous Fringe festival after seeing her show (No pick up lines, just straight up "would you like to go for a drink?"), but she said she had a boyfriend, he was helping her flyer a few days later (I don't know if she remembered me doing that this year, I find it quite hard to tell)

So, I could find out when her next show is in London or wherever (or leave it a few weeks to adjust my weekend to suit, cos I live at the other end of the country), and ask if she knows anywhere that does good pancakes nearby as an opening line; I don't think I have that much to lose really.

Or, I could continue the (admittedly so far fruitless) struggle of trying to find someone more local who loves the things I love.

Or get drunk.

I am really bad at this. (obviously there's a lot of subtext that I cannot convey through simple text (though I've tried my best) or that I've missed)

This should probably have gone in the advice thread, sorry.

[viscomica]

I was leaving Edinburgh in four hours, I was quite ill (lurgy, not anything life threatening, but just felt (and continues to feel) like a massive hangover) and had had a nasty nose bleed the previous night, so not exactly at my most suave.

She was charming, cute, confident, and when I said I was going for pancakes, she said "ooo, I love pancakes". We'd been idly chatting occasionally in the street once every few days for the past fortnight, and at a performance we both happened to attend. (Also, we'd shared a gin and tonic at her gig the previous week for a complicated reason that was a part of her act; essentially, she couldn't hold it and play the piano at the same time).

She was flyering for her last gig of the run, which she was performing in half an hour. I wished her luck and walked off, filled with regret.

I just don't know. Perhaps I'm doomed. I actually asked her out the previous Fringe festival after seeing her show (No pick up lines, just straight up "would you like to go for a drink?"), but she said she had a boyfriend, he was helping her flyer a few days later (I don't know if she remembered me doing that this year, I find it quite hard to tell)

So, I could find out when her next show is in London or wherever (or leave it a few weeks to adjust my weekend to suit, cos I live at the other end of the country), and ask if she knows anywhere that does good pancakes nearby as an opening line; I don't think I have that much to lose really.

Or, I could continue the (admittedly so far fruitless) struggle of trying to find someone more local who loves the things I love.

Or get drunk.

I am really bad at this. (obviously there's a lot of subtext that I cannot convey through simple text (though I've tried my best) or that I've missed)

This should probably have gone in the advice thread, sorry.

I'm sorry to say, but IMO if she has a boyfriend you should give up.

[Mums]

Looked like it was a year ago she told him about the boyfriend, she doesn't still have to be together with someone. That said it's up to her even if she does have one, though I've been in relationships where other people are trying to hook up with my girlfriend, haven't been cheated on (that I know of) from it but it's not a super feeling, but I didn't own my girlfriend and neither does Ptangs interest. If she would prefer Ptang it's up to her, who knows, her botfriend now might be abusing her. It's too hard to speculate, all I think Ptang can do is to speak with her and see what she feels.

Though long distance isn't impossible but it's hard and requires a lot of effort!

[Darkobra]

It's still incredibly disrespectful to move in on someone who's in a relationship. It's saying to that person "You make bad choices in partners, I am so selfish I am trying to split you up because I want you and at the end of the month I might not even be with you."

It's unattractive and offensive, especially when you've been told they're in a relationship and you don't know the details of it.

[viscomica]

It's still incredibly disrespectful to move in on someone who's in a relationship. It's saying to that person "You make bad choices in partners, I am so selfish I am trying to split you up because I want you and at the end of the month I might not even be with you."

It's unattractive and offensive, especially when you've been told they're in a relationship and you don't know the details of it.

That was my reasoning, exactly.
Thank you

[Mums]

It's still incredibly disrespectful to move in on someone who's in a relationship. It's saying to that person "You make bad choices in partners, I am so selfish I am trying to split you up because I want you and at the end of the month I might not even be with you."

It's unattractive and offensive, especially when you've been told they're in a relationship and you don't know the details of it.

There is a big difference between moving in on someone who's in a relationship and telling the person that you like them and then leaving it up to them to do what they want with the information.
Difference between pushy and open.
Especially if it was a year ago that the person talked about the boyfriend.

[Elomin Sha]

At work, our newest employee says that I would be a good catch for someone. I took her temperature to make sure she wasn't running a fever.

I'm going to go stand outside and wait to be hooked by a fishing line.

[Darkobra]

It's still selfish. Now you've selfishly put that person in an awkward situation where they feel bad to plainly tell you they're not interested. Now they feel guilty because you selfishly had to confess. They'll feel awkward around you and not be able to feel comfortable as they'll feel you'll be trying to make a move at any time.

What possible reason could you have for telling them other than to absolve yourself?

[Deedles]

In the case of just revealing your feelings I think it's very much down to the person who is having feelings confessed to them. For example, whenever I've been asked about it I've responded that I like to know about it, because I don't like a friend of mine to be hurting without me even knowing about it.

That said, if the person is still a stranger to you I do find it pretty rude to confess your feelings.

EDIT: But if you get pushy about it it's your own fault if the girl tells you to fuck off.

[Ptangmatik]

It's still incredibly disrespectful to move in on someone who's in a relationship. It's saying to that person "You make bad choices in partners, I am so selfish I am trying to split you up because I want you and at the end of the month I might not even be with you."

It's unattractive and offensive, especially when you've been told they're in a relationship and you don't know the details of it.

That was my reasoning, exactly.
Thank you

I absolutely agree, last year I backed straight off. I don't know if she still has a boyfriend; if she does, he wasn't around Edinburgh this year and she made no mention one way or the other.

[viscomica]

Hmm, it's a delicate situation.
My advice: stay away from delicate situations. Be a friend. Maybe ask, casually, how her boyfriend is doing. (And you'll know for certain if you can make a pass or not) If she still has a boyfriend: eat your feelings.
That's what I would do anyway.
Good luck!

[Darkobra]

Viscomica's right.

[Deedles]

Yeah, I think Viscomica's idea is the best way to do it, it lets you know if she still has a boyfriend without having to ask her straight out.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I think I've finally understood what love is. It's broad.

I thought it was just: Family Love (relatives), friends (getting along with them, enjoy their company) and romantic love.
I didn't realise there was this love which you can have someone which is like the friend love transcended. Where someone who is not of flesh of blood becomes your flesh and blood in your eyes and mind.
I wonder how many times in the past I thought I romantically loved someone, but it was actually "brother" love.
I'm glad that's cleared up now. Hopefully now I will never have that experience where I lusted after someone for a year which was wasted.

[AdmiralMemo]

This type of thing is why ancient Greek had 3 terms for love:

Agape (general love of all men)
Phileo (brotherly love)
Eros (romantic love)

That system really helps define what you're feeling more clearly.

[Bebop Man]

It would make breakups less awkward. "It's not that I don't eros you any more Dolores, it's just that my agape for you is so strong".

[Phailhammer]

*resists urge to make senpai joke (wrong language, I know )*

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I think by realising that I have Phileo for someone, that it might help me "heal" from the wound from a toxic Phileo from when I was a child.

I had a best friend when I was 8 -> 11. But he kept talking about how much he hated Wales, so much about his best friend from the last school, what he did and does with his previous friend, seemed to phase me out by spending time with another friend. I had to lie about things so I could feel worthy to him (maybe this is how I developed my dry sense of humour irl). This was not a healthy relationship, and I realised that even after he moved away. After that long agony of a few months knowing he'd move away and I'd never see him again. Didn't stop the hurt that would occasionally reappear in my dreams.

At least now, the hurt from Phileo is from a healthy friendship. And this is the age of Skype, so I can talk to them.

I think people underestimate how important modern communications technology is for people who are lonely.

None of this is meant to hurt people on the forums. It's just, when you live with someone in real life even for a short time, spend a lot of time with them, and even sleep in the same room, you get to see so much of that person. And if you see what you like, even the darkness, it elevates your emotional attachment to them to a new plain.
----

Oh you know what's kinda hilarious in a funny-coincidence sort of thing.

I used to have a "crush" on a man a year older than me who I met in World of Warcraft. And this lasted for a year. It was a background interest, that sort of accelerated when I met a group of guildies in real life and spent a few days drinking with each other on a holiday. He was quite physical with me and would say certain things to me, so I got lead along. I wasn't sure of his sexuality, or even if he was interested in me. So over the next months I would "test" the water. I didn't get a positive reaction or negative. Eventually when he met this girl online and they started, getting sweet (and I started getting jealous) and eventually told him how I felt. "I don't like you in the same way". 'Can we still be mates?' "Sure." *effectively turns into a brickwall*.

The funny coincidence is that he married the girl last week. When I was away in Spain having these, realisations. It kinda meant that when i came back from Spain, my care cup was completely bone dry. I wasn't angry. I wasn't happy. I was neutral. I was angry that Facebook kept spamming my notifications about their marriage though. But not to the event itself. I was saved from being clobbered by baggage I should have shed so long ago. For a coincidence, it had a very funny effect.

[Rikadyn]

I...have a conundrum.

Met a girl in Japanese class, developed a crush on her towards end of the first semester, started talking to her. Next semester we were in different classes, but spent some time together most days while she waited for the bus before my class, talked a lot online, that all continued over the summer come the fall we had class again.

About this time I realised that it was a bit more than the crush I thought it was, but didn't really know how to advance (my last gf being 10yrs ago) so just kept shit cool and calm till the spring semester when I realised that it would be the last class I had with her. So the day of the final I handed her a letter.

No clue to this point if she read it or not, but still the feelings persist. Conundrum comes from 2 things 1) We're both the type that don't openly express our feelings 2) The reason it was our last class together is I'm going to Japan for the next year, while she starts work on her masters here.

...I dunno what or if anything I should or could do, so yea...

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I don't think I can qualify to offer advice.
But I think I can assure you that I've been in a similar boat before, and I know how it feels. I do not know if, that is useful knowledge at all.

[Bebop Man]

If she knows you're leaving for Japan and already got your letter then all you can do is wait. There's no point in prodding for an answer. If she has one she'll give you one.

There's also the issue with the contents of the letter. A lot of times we're so worried about our own feelings and how to express them that we don't consider what's the point behind them. What were you trying to achieve by letting them be known, exactly? You're leaving and she's not. Did you want to want to start some sort of long-distance relationship, and if so did you make that clear in the letter? Because there's a chance she's wondering "OK, what does he want me to do about it?".

Look at the good side, either way you got it out of your chest.

[Rikadyn]

If she knows you're leaving for Japan and already got your letter then all you can do is wait. There's no point in prodding for an answer. If she has one she'll give you one.

There's also the issue with the contents of the letter. A lot of times we're so worried about our own feelings and how to express them that we don't consider what's the point behind them. What were you trying to achieve by letting them be known, exactly? You're leaving and she's not. Did you want to want to start some sort of long-distance relationship, and if so did you make that clear in the letter? Because there's a chance she's wondering "OK, what does he want me to do about it?".

Look at the good side, either way you got it out of your chest.

Unlikely I was so direct, I believe the letter was more about telling her how much I enjoyed getting to know her and how I wanted to still talk even after class ended. This was back in April...

I'm not one to make a leap without knowing at least somewhat how it's going to turn out, and I'm obviously still not sure how that would work...I mean...yea...

Bleh...

[Bebop Man]

Well, you gave her a letter 4 months ago about how you wanted to remain in touch with her. Has she remained in touch with you?

[Rikadyn]

Well it was pretty normal communication till she quit her job as an online math tutor, then that mixed with a new job offline, and her refinishing and moving to a new house has made it a bit slow over the summer. We still talk but it's a bit sporadic.

[Balthasar_Wiseman]

Does any have any tips of techniques for getting over a really bad crush or the broken heart that comes after?
I really a crap at getting over feelings and I can't afford these feelings anymore. Its leading to depression and in hindsight this has probably been something that has been a problem for a long time.
I guess I carry a torch and I need to learn how not to.