The Big Relationship Thread

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Jenelmo
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jenelmo » 16 Sep 2014, 20:41

That was why i asked as i would never do anything if she wasn't single but was not sure of how to read the situation
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 16 Sep 2014, 21:38

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:
Jenelmo wrote:
Metcarfre wrote:"You've been seeing them for months but don't consider them your boyfriend? How does that work?"
I didn't ask at the time and as that is the only time she has mentioned it I am not sure how to ask.
But my only guess is that they are not comfortable with the term boyfriend/girlfriend but i am not sure why


If I may take a rather crass approach, 'Facebook official or fair game' is a reasonable rule of thumb

EDIT: Assuming, of course, the subject in question is in fact a servant of Zuckerberg


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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 18 Sep 2014, 10:15

New brief topic; I just wanted to say I just finished re-reading Douglas Coupland's novel, "Microserfs" for the maybe sixth time last night. I really want to recommend it to people who consider themselves geeks and have a hard time with relationships, friendships, socializing, or simply existing in the real world. It's a novel that has all of the characters dealing with these things, growing, evolving, and learning. I think it can really help you learn about yourself and others. Plus, it's a great story with excellent writing.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 18 Sep 2014, 10:22

Ordered. It has me intrigued
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 18 Sep 2014, 10:31

Coupland is my favorite author by far (except maybe Vonnegut). If you dig it, check out his others I really like - Girlfriend in a Coma, Hey Nostradomus! (the top two IMO), All Families Are Psychotic, and Generation X are also very good (the last somewhat dated, though). Some of his intervening novels aren't as good, but his latest, Worst. Person. Ever. I found quite entertaining.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 18 Sep 2014, 12:44

Microserfs is one of my favourite novels although I have no idea to what extent it effected my development.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 27 Sep 2014, 15:55

I seem to have a problem of second guessing myself.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Tycherin » 27 Sep 2014, 20:56

Are you sure about that?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 28 Sep 2014, 01:46

*Narrows eyes*

I want to say something. It would be good but thinking on the past I'm now thinking it'll be a really bad idea.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 28 Sep 2014, 22:48

I had a friend who kept referring to his girlfriend as his "ladyfriend". He kept saying she wasn't his girlfriend. I think they had been together a year or so when they finally used the words boyfriend and girlfriend when referring to each other. Absolutely everyone else used those words, but the two of them didn't. I don't really get it, to me on the first date you're boyfriend or girlfriend, because being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, to me, means "we are dating" and it starts being true on the first date.

On the other hand I know people who have first dates and then never date the person again, which I also don't understand, but I'm sure those people are just more cautious about using the word until they feel the relationship is working well enough?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 06 Oct 2014, 11:59

It's hard to tell when a relationship reaches its "present continuous". I guess it works differently for every person.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 17 Oct 2014, 09:31

Huh, this is quite far down the page. Time to remedy that!

So, three months in and everything is going really well for us. The distance is a bit of a pain (it's about a four hour drive, not counting traffic or border delays), but we've managed to spend a lot of time together regardless.

It is kind of nice that the distance made it so that we kind of just skipped the dating part, since that not really up either of our alleys. It was a ton of Skyping, one meeting in person, and then straight to being able to spend days at each other's houses and just being relaxed. It's definitely a dynamic that works for me.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 17 Oct 2014, 11:14

Know that feel, bro. Sounds great. :)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 17 Oct 2014, 15:07

Congratulations on that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 21 Oct 2014, 04:18

I have difficult questions I want to ask for advice for but don't feel that I can ask them publicly. I dislike being a worrier.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Fenrir » 21 Oct 2014, 05:02

I posted about this in the LGBT thread but I suppose it counts as a "general" relationship thing as well and I do actually kind a want some outside thoughts on this so here goes.

Alright, so, to get into some background for a minute - over the last...must be five or six months now, I guess? I've been talking with this guy I've known for years who lives out in the US. Despite knowing him for a while we've never really properly spoken at length over any real period of time before now.

As we've spoken over the months I've found myself growing to really enjoy the time we spend talking, and we'll generally speak at length for a solid few hours at the time. Which, for me anyway (I'm kind of a weird introvert/extrovert mix), is pretty rare. Especially given I'm more of a listener than a talker. He also quite early on introduced me to his sister (as much as one can over a distance) since we share similar interests and he seems pretty pleased with the fact we get along.

He has his faults and his issues but then who doesn't, right? I've felt like he's growing more comfortable with being open with me about things (and I, in turn, have found myself being more comfortable in being open with him in return) but I still feel like maybe he's, as he would probably word it, sceptical of me (or just people in general due to previous bad experiences). We'd also - all be it briefly - started voice chatting while playing PlanetSide 2 recently which was nice. I mentioned off handedly about (I can't recall my exact wording) kind of sucking at playing it and wanting to learn the profession he'd been playing properly. So he (I'm assuming) dropped what he was doing at the time and we derped about in game for a while as he showed me how to play it / explained over voice chat.

Now, the thing that's kind of thrown me slightly is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS and I fully admit it's probably a stupid thing to get stuck on but here goes. His sister started following me on twitter. Silly, right? Thing is though with the way my privacy settings are set up there's no way she could have found me without her brother giving her my handle (I have it set up so my posts appear on my FB page which is also set to private). I know twitter can be sly with ninja following people but it's not *that* good surely. At the end of the day it's really not a big deal. It just ... kind of struck me, I guess? Especially given how my last conversation with him went.

I guess the long and the short of it is I like him. Like...could happily be romantically involved with him despite the distance kind of like, and I know that's something that might be difficult for him (he IDs as demisexual as well as homosexual), and I guess I don't really know what to make of things.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 21 Oct 2014, 10:16

Elomin Sha wrote:I have difficult questions I want to ask for advice for but don't feel that I can ask them publicly. I dislike being a worrier.

You're welcome to PM me and I'll weigh in to the best of my ability, though I'm the first to admit I'm far from knowledgeable on these things and someone else may be better suited. That said, I am also a worrier, so I can definitely empathize, if nothing else.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Mums » 21 Oct 2014, 10:30

Elomin Sha wrote:I have difficult questions I want to ask for advice for but don't feel that I can ask them publicly. I dislike being a worrier.


I'd like to help any way I can if you'd feel comfortable, just PM!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 21 Oct 2014, 15:42

Thanks guys. I'm having trouble to write down what I want to explain that is coherent.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 25 Oct 2014, 14:13

explain it incoherently and people will try and translate to coherent...

So I just had a dream about the girl I previously mentioned, and then someone slammed a door and woke me up. Bah...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 25 Oct 2014, 14:20

I hate dreams being interrupted.

I'm not great with words, I am working on something that should help me, I'm better with visuals.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 25 Oct 2014, 14:40

It just woke me up to realise I'm 10000km away from the only girl I've had real feelings for in a decade...

I'm great with words, written throw away essays that professors say should be master thesis, poetry that has silenced a class room and made people drop their drinks, and this woman makes me a silent fool...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 27 Oct 2014, 11:31

So... I've been feeling philosophical lately.

I don't know how explicit I've been about it on these forums before, but I have kinda a big chip on my shoulder about relationship-y stuff. I've always been single and am a virgin (I very much doubt that I will knock off the latter before the former, simply due to my outlook on the whole business), but this in and of itself is not what bothers me- no, what worries me is that I am either incapable of love or simply incapable of ever becoming someone's partner.

To address the former point: I honestly don't know that I've ever loved another human being in my life. It's hard to know exactly what that means, but... consider family. I care for my parents & my brother very much- I will do everything in my power to protect them and keep them happy, and I am so, so glad to have them as my family. But do I love them? I don't know. I don't feel like we have any special, unrequited bond, and although I feel awkward saying it, if one of them were to die tomorrow I doubt I'd cry. Don't get me wrong, it would hit damn hard. I would likely be functioning pretty damn sub-optimally for weeks afterwards, I'd make sure to head home immediately to help the rest of them hold up, and when it finally registered in my brain I doubt I'd be able to stop thinking about it, let alone sleep well. But cry? Feel some deep, burning pain inside? Not so much- I feel like I could keep control. That I could be stoic. That I could park it and get on with as much of life as I could.

Maybe I'm just very stiff upper lip- after all, my favourite poems are Invictus and If (in that order). But... I dunno, sometimes I worry that I'm just incapable of truly loving another person. That I'll always be somehow distant.

This doesn't mean that I don't care about people (I do, very much, care about the wellbeing of both family and friends and would chop my hand off if I felt it would help them), or (in a rather nice segue) that I don't get attracted to people- I do. It's probably at this point I should mention that, on current evidence, I'm entirely heterosexual. I find girls attractive, will not infrequently think things along the lines of 'hmm that person looks nice, if we were to rub genitals then I would consider that a pretty damn excellent way for things to have gone' (I swear that's honestly what my internal monologue sounds like in these situations). I've also, over the course of my life, seriously considered three people, two of whom are very close friends, as potential relationship material... but somehow I could never see myself acting on those instincts. The act of asking a girl out seems so utterly alien to me that I have no idea how it would even work- this isn't even a 'I can't talk to girls', thing, more a 'I cannot conceive of getting into such a conversation'. Part of this is simply a question of etiquette and inexperience (I don't know how I would go about deciding that it were an appropriate point in the relationship to ask, for example), partly... some kind of mental block, I guess. Partly, I guess, it's the way my thoughts regarding feminism and such have changed over the last few years, such that I in part find the idea of treating a girl as relationship material rather than simply a person and potential friend to be vaguely offensive/sexist. Partly, I think that now I've got first practice in pretty much ever at making friends and discovered I'm not bad at it, it just feels like a more natural way of doing things. Others have told me that my attitudes are simply more mature than the majority of people my age (I'm still under 20), and I might just have to wait a few years.

...honestly, I'm not really sure why I posted this or what response I expect. Just some feedback would be nice, I guess. I've been umming and ahing about writing this post for three days now, and been thinking about this kind of thing for a long while beforehand. I suppose the idea of baring all like this makes me a mite uncomfortable... or something. I should stop talking.

So... thoughts, I guess?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 27 Oct 2014, 12:30

*fistbump*

I'm pretty much the same way, Pseudo. For the most part I just kick the ball down the line so it's future-Gunner's problem to deal with. If it's even a problem - I've never quite figured that out (see previous statement).
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Danielle Pepin » 27 Oct 2014, 17:22

Elomin Sha wrote:I have difficult questions I want to ask for advice for but don't feel that I can ask them publicly. I dislike being a worrier.


I'm here for ya. PM may take a bit longer than irc but it works.




Other things in this thread...I wouldn't use social media status as a rule of thumb for telling if you're in a relationship or not. There was once I thought I had a boyfriend when that wasn't what it was to him so now I wait to hear the words boyfriend, girlfriend or going steady from their lips and my agreement with them to define anything between. With Facebook and sites like that I tend to leave the status blank even while in one. Just makes things easier not worrying about that part of it...also prevents advertisers from trying to market rings to you when they don't know it will ever apply to your situation.

Don't worry if you haven't had a real relationship or anything resembling one by a certain age. It's much better to know and love yourself first and to become/remain whole within yourself then add the love after that. A relationship will not on it's own make someone complete.
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