The Big Relationship Thread

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Darkobra
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Darkobra » 04 Dec 2014, 10:38

Not very. It's a horrible position to be in but it's not pathetic.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Psyclone » 04 Dec 2014, 13:52

I feel pretty pathetic. Thank you though.
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Lord Chrusher
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 05 Dec 2014, 16:45

Damn it, why did I have to develope romatic feelings for a female friend?

Also, why do I keep doing this?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 05 Dec 2014, 17:21

Breaking the string of comments about falling in love with the wrong people, I thought I'd give an update about my situation.

If I recall, the last update was "I like him, I don't know what to do". Here is what happened since:

- I mentioned my husband enough that I was sure he knew about him.
- I started wearing poly-related things such as a wristband that exactly one person noticed in the course of two weeks, didn't know what it meant, still didn't understand after I explained (and it wasn't him who noticed anyways).
- We hung out more, grabbing food during our breaks, planning our breaks to overlap, things like that. I eventually got his email address.
- I contacted him on hangouts and told him I liked him.
- He... had a brain freeze. Total shock. Said he needed to process. I restated that I liked him and he processed some more.
- Eventually, he thought to ask about my husband and I mentioned the non-monogamy.
- In the end he thanked me for letting him know, said he would have needed a giant sign otherwise.

Then... for a bit I thought things hadn't really changed. He said he needed to process but never really said "okay, let's date" or anything. No clear yes and no clear no. Only telling me he needed to process it and I wasn't sure if it was a good, bad or neutral thing.

Then though... when we were planning when to meet up, he said his uncle wanted his help to move things, and I suggested to help with that, and he said he wasn't sure how he felt about his uncle knowing he was in a relationship.

When I read that, I was all "okay, we're in a relationship". I didn't know for sure until then. I knew I wanted to be in one, I knew he knew I wanted to be in one, and I knew he wasn't avoiding me in the least. But I wasn't sure.

Then yesterday he actually kissed me, and I felt it was really official. Just a quick smack but it was very symbolic and awesome.

So I have a boyfriend. And he's really sweet. He carries my stuff and tries to buy me stuff. I actually really like that we're taking it slow. I've never really dated before. I only was in relationships long-distance, so we were either not in the same country/continent, or living together. Planning when and where to see each other next, getting ready, etc... I like it.

Anyway, some good news from me. I wanted to wait until I had something more decisive before posting, hence why no updates until now.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 05 Dec 2014, 17:37

Congratulations! Glad to hear it worked out for you. :)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 05 Dec 2014, 20:18

Thanks! I'm glad too :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 05 Dec 2014, 23:24

As someone who developed a crush and found out she was poly, yea that shit takes a little time to work out in your head. Took me like two months to go from "that's fucking weird" to "it's normal, however I could never exist in one"
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 06 Dec 2014, 19:12

Well I hope he doesn't reach the same conclusion in the end, but I do understand that it must take some time to process. I find him surprisingly accepting and adaptable so far. He was surprised and shocked that it was a thing but he's already treating it as pretty natural.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 07 Dec 2014, 00:18

Avistew wrote:Well I hope he doesn't reach the same conclusion in the end, but I do understand that it must take some time to process. I find him surprisingly accepting and adaptable so far. He was surprised and shocked that it was a thing but he's already treating it as pretty natural.


it's mostly because of insecurity issues on my part :P so as long as he isn't as messed up as me, should be no problem
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 07 Dec 2014, 09:30

:) I assume there is more to it than that (it just doesn't work for some people, it's not like everyone can be non-monogamous, just like not everyone can be monogamous, either) but if it was a deal breaker hopefully he would have said no from the get go.

Right now the main issue is that he's worried how his family would react, both to the polyamory and to the age difference. He doesn't want any drama so while we're not hiding at work, we're not broadcasting the relationship to his family for now. That's fair enough, I feel, especially since he lives with his parents and would have to live with their reaction.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Prospero101 » 07 Dec 2014, 09:54

I'll be honest, Avistew, when I first peeked into this thread and you were discussing your problem, I got a little judgy because I didn't understand it. But watching the whole thing unfold has proven very eye-opening.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 07 Dec 2014, 11:10

Thanks, Prospero. I think we all judge at times but I appreciate that you were willing to keep forming opinions as it went.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 07 Dec 2014, 23:46

So question,

How do thou feel about letters of confession of love?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Psyclone » 08 Dec 2014, 00:34

It would depend. If you're already in a relationship, sweet. if you're not, kind of creepy. It feels predatory to me, but others might feel differently.
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Avistew
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 08 Dec 2014, 00:41

Awkward and unlikely to go well unless already in a relationship with the person. But it depends on the context I would say, on the letter itself, and on the sender and recipient.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 08 Dec 2014, 01:16

good to know. Odds of me ever being in a relationship reduced to 2.5%

edit: wait define relationship in this context....
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 08 Dec 2014, 02:44

What about talking to the person face to face about how you feel about them?

The person giving the advice has never had much luck with relationships so this may not be the best advice. However, I have navigated my last few attempts at relationships without destroying any preexisting friendships so maybe it is not the worst advice either.
Last edited by Lord Chrusher on 08 Dec 2014, 02:55, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Duckay » 08 Dec 2014, 02:52

If you'll forgive the TV reference, this makes me think of a phenomenon described in an episode of How I Met Your Mother - whether a gesture comes across as charming or alarming depends on how the other person feels. If they're into you too, it seems sweet. If they're not, it seems creepy.

Really, the best thing to do in this situation is bring it up to them in person.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 08 Dec 2014, 03:32

10k km for the next 8 months and...yea i don't think either of us would be really comfortable in person, I've considererd it but doubt i'd be able to voice myself with any accuracy
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 08 Dec 2014, 06:56

Then IMs.
While they're also technically in writing, at least you can react to each other and adapt to their reaction, rather than have a big info dump.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 08 Dec 2014, 07:16

Even then, from experience...

Use the phone or Skype chat if you can, if you cannot wait until you see them in person.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 08 Dec 2014, 07:44

I am in the same boat.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 08 Dec 2014, 08:09

I wrote a letter confessing my love in high school. Never again.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 08 Dec 2014, 10:48

I'd say the big thing here is don't put the burden on them. They are going to have to respond one way or another, but don't write passages about how they are the light of your life and you would be miserable without them. Accept that onto yourself by saying that you have an interest in them, but if they don't reciprocate, you would love to still be friends, and you won't bring it up again. Do NOT make them feel guilty for not sharing your feelings, or act as though your feelings are their fault. That is a supremely dick move.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 08 Dec 2014, 14:46

Master Gunner wrote:Even then, from experience...

Use the phone or Skype chat if you can, if you cannot wait until you see them in person.


She loathes the phone, which is a neat thing we share in common.

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Yea I know, we've been friends for going on 3yrs now, and I liked her originally, but since getting to know her better, it's just something that grows with each conversation. I'd rather be rejected than keep it inside silent to end up watching her disappear in the future, but if there is a chance of her accepting me, I feel it needs to be worded right, because we have heard her say she wasn't interested in the concept of dating, but we don't know the source of that, and that makes a difference.
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