The Big Relationship Thread

[JustAName]

Focus on the person's flaws. Are they arrogant? Do they do annoying things? Find something you dislike about them and focus on how much you'd hate to put up with it. Magnify it in your head. You'll get over them.

[Elomin Sha]

With me, I have a crush on someone that is still quite strong and I get sad from time to time. What I do is distract myself from time to time.
I'm not a fan of finding flaws and exaggerating them in my head.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Time away is helpful. And be prepared to wait. You will get over it eventually.

I had a deep affection for someone that ended messily for me. They were unscathed. I don't think they were aware. But I had to realise that they weren't that great. I suppose it's the flaws things. But they had bad flaws. I was in love with the idea of them, but not them as a person. So realising that helped me. Though it turned into frustration that we didn't remain friends. I wanted to, but they distanced themselves. This gave anger.

Only a few weeks ago when "I found God" that I got over that.
Sadly "finding God" is the most useless piece of advice to give someone. It's true, but it's as useful as "Get over it". It's not constructive. In fact with me, it's almost boastful to people who are not Christian. Kinda annoying.
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Perhaps focusing on what you do have as oppose to what you don't have or wish you had might help? I'm trying to practise this with regards to a close friend being many many miles apart. It's challenging.

But maybe just spendinga little time every day thinking about the friends and family you do have will help a little bit?

Certainly a less destructive way of basically judging the person you were really into and mentally tearing them down from a plynth.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

My loneliness has been biting particularly aggressively over the last few weeks. Not sure why now in particular. Maybe I just need to wait till everyone's back from uni.

[Balthasar_Wiseman]

Sorry to hear that Ix, if I had any advice for you I would offer it but I'm at a loss for things to make me feel less lonely most of the time.

Thanks Fayili, Elomin Sha and Merrymaker_Motalis.
I actually had thought I was doing well getting over her but these feelings just don't want to let go. It's probably because I let this crush go on for 8 months that it is sticking with me like this but I'm hurting because a friend of mine piped up with the latest gossip and told me who her boyfriend is and it just ripped my heart out. He is someone I've known professionally for a couple of years and having a name and a face on him just made everything seem so fresh.

[Elomin Sha]

I know a similar feeling, mine has been for over a year for two people.

[Master Gunner]

The advice I've heard to help getting over someone is to start working out. It helps provide a distraction, and is a useful place to put the energy you'd otherwise use fretting over things.

[viscomica]

The advice I've heard to help getting over someone is to start working out. It helps provide a distraction, and is a useful place to put the energy you'd otherwise use fretting over things.

I think any distraction would do.
Maybe take up a hobby, meet new people, the important thing is to get busy.

[Metcarfre]

Focus on the person's flaws. Are they arrogant? Do they do annoying things? Find something you dislike about them and focus on how much you'd hate to put up with it. Magnify it in your head. You'll get over them.

I'm surprised this came from you - this is a particularly bad idea, imo. One that, in my mind, leads down the road to the misogny/PUA hellhole.

Maybe it's just my perspective, being somewhat older with the benefit of having been in a long-term relationship for quite some time now - and having left the days of crushes and angst behind me. But it is far more healthy for one to work on oneself and their emotional maturity.

Initial distraction is a good idea - work out, start a hobby, hand out with friends (or find some new ones), play games, etc. After a while, though, you may have to come to a few realizations.

- That the other person is their own person, capable of making their own decisions, choices, and opinions.

- That they made their decision about whether or not to engage in a relationship based on information and feelings that may or may not be known to you. And that you must respect it.

- That if they didn't actually *make* a decision (you can't tell whether they knew you wished to have a relationship with them), that responsibility most likely falls on you.

- In the end, understand that they are just one person - as are you - and that sooner or later, if you put yourself out there, someone else will most likely come along.

[Balthasar_Wiseman]

Metcarfre,
I read Fayili's comment more in the spirit of not putting the person on a pedestal. I really don't want to hate or resent her. I've gotten that way when I was in my teens and twenties and I don't want to be that way anymore. Although I was somehow more outgoing and probably better adjusted (it may be the expectation of a 20 something is different than that of someone in their 30s)

I actually believe all of the things you say and logically I'm on board for it. It isn't a how could she do this to me kind of thing its different I guess it is just a situation where the less I know about her life going forward the better, I just can't stand the feelings that come out of no where and give me that system shock.

[JustAName]

Metcarfre,
I read Fayili's comment more in the spirit of not putting the person on a pedestal. I really don't want to hate or resent her. I've gotten that way when I was in my teens and twenties and I don't want to be that way anymore. Although I was somehow more outgoing and probably better adjusted (it may be the expectation of a 20 something is different than that of someone in their 30s)

I actually believe all of the things you say and logically I'm on board for it. It isn't a how could she do this to me kind of thing its different I guess it is just a situation where the less I know about her life going forward the better, I just can't stand the feelings that come out of no where and give me that system shock.

Precisely. Goodness knows I wouldn't recommend hating someone to get over them. It's just how I got over being attracted to one of my roommates last year - for all his attractiveness and intelligence, he's somewhat arrogant, and that can be off-putting. I love him dearly as a friend, but remembering that about him helped me realize that I would be miserable in a relationship with him.

[gcninja]

So a month into a nice relationship (Girl A) and today we talk, after having somewhat of a religious revelation and trying to go back to her God ways, along comes a talk. A few days ago she said something snapped and she doesn't feel how she felt two weeks ago. A couple weeks ago I informed one friend up in Oregon about this new girl and it went bad, like Girl A thought I'd stay with Oregon girl instead anyway and was really worried. Now two weeks later we're talking and she doesn't feel that way, that there's nothing right now. She says this happens a month into every relationship and she's always ended it. She doesn't want to do that with me right now but rather take a week off and see how it is.

The other part is her religion, she's Catholic, and that she doesn't feel since I am Catholic that we won't have the connection her sister and fiancee have. I told her I'd be there through everything, even waiting for sex til marriage but... Idk. It's been a month, my family knows of her and I feel like ending it now would be also rather embarrassing. I do like her and I'm more emotionally invested in this than she is, we're both aware, but... dammit. I'm so pissed I don't have my new required state ID yet.

[Elomin Sha]

I always wonder who would be interested in a relationship with me.

I'd be happy if a girl told me whether they would be interested or if I asked them they would consider one.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I always wonder if I'll end up marrying a man or a woman.

[viscomica]

What if you don't marry?

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I'd be really disappointed.

Marriage and a family is a goal of mine.

[Jenelmo]

I have a question.
Almost a month ago I started a new education and in my class there is a girl who i have been talking with alot and also texting with.
I think there have been mild flirting but i am not good at reading people so i am not sure.
Last friday at the bar that is at school on friday, she mentions that she has been seing someone since February but also mentions that they are not boyfriend & girlfriend.
As someone who hasn't had a lot of relationships and generally are bad at reading people i am not sure what to make of this can anybody help?

[Balthasar_Wiseman]

Jenelmo
Did she bring up her relationship status or did you ask about it? Was the comment about them being not boyfriend & girlfriend in the same conversation or was it outside of that context?
I would probably be quite hesitant and confused if a girl brought up she had been seeing someone for 7 months but that they aren't boyfriend & girlfriend. But I am terrible at reading situations.

[Metcarfre]

"You've been seeing them for months but don't consider them your boyfriend? How does that work?"

[Jenelmo]

She brought it up can't remember what the conversation was about before that, and it was in the same conversation, like almost the next thing she said.
And I have checked facebook to see what she had put her status as but she hasn't filled it out one way or another

[Jenelmo]

"You've been seeing them for months but don't consider them your boyfriend? How does that work?"

I didn't ask at the time and as that is the only time she has mentioned it I am not sure how to ask.
But my only guess is that they are not comfortable with the term boyfriend/girlfriend but i am not sure why

[Metcarfre]

Sometimes it amazes me how much geeks prefer to work with little-to-no data in the personal realm.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

"You've been seeing them for months but don't consider them your boyfriend? How does that work?"

I didn't ask at the time and as that is the only time she has mentioned it I am not sure how to ask.
But my only guess is that they are not comfortable with the term boyfriend/girlfriend but i am not sure why

If I may take a rather crass approach, 'Facebook official or fair game' is a reasonable rule of thumb

EDIT: Assuming, of course, the subject in question is in fact a servant of Zuckerberg

[Deedles]

Some people also take a longer time to feel comfortable to commit a relationship, if she's been seeing a guy since February it might very well be because it's not working out well, but it could just as easily be because both of them want to take it slow, since they have issues with commitment(or maybe just one of them has issues and the other is being respectful).

Either way I have one piece of advice; Respect the situation.

[viscomica]

Some people also take a longer time to feel comfortable to commit a relationship, if she's been seeing a guy since February it might very well be because it's not working out well, but it could just as easily be because both of them want to take it slow, since they have issues with commitment(or maybe just one of them has issues and the other is being respectful).

Either way I have one piece of advice; Respect the situation.

This. So much

My piece of advice: stay at bay for now. Girls say a lot of things just to share, commeting about her personal life doesn't neccesarily mean she's into you or leading you on.