The Big Relationship Thread

[The Jester]

Why don't you tell her you like being with her and enjoy her company? Tell her you're always thinking about her. It's the little things.

I do already.

Everyone else.. I know it's different for every couple, which is why I didn't ask you guys; only she and I can figure out the answer.

Too bad the next time we'll get to talk is almost a week away.

Also. The fact that I've had several interviews lately means I might have a job soon; so I may not have the same days free as she does, thus cutting down the time we get to chat online even more.

I guess that belongs in the Mixed Emotion thread, huh?

[Fezzul]

So, I asked a girl out today. Turns out she has a boyfriend.

That sucks, since I've been working up the confidence to do this for about a week, and I took two extra classes today, just to get the chance to see her after school and I'm really bad at this crap in general.

And the worst part is I can't be angry with her. She was nice about it, un-patronizing, no "Really, you? Hah, that's a laugh." If she was nasty I could plot revenge (I say revenge... I mean get drunk with a friend and think up a few overambitious ideas for revenge before getting bored and going to bed), something nice and concrete and easy to focus on. Instead she's still the nice girl who I kinda liked a fair bit. Which means it's up to me to deal with my own emotional crap. Which I'm bad at...

So I did the usual things, I said "Well, if you're ever single...", then I offered to kill her boyfriend for her... Y'know, the usual. It got left on amicable terms, and I'll see her again in the next couple of days.

And is it just me or does it ever occur to anyone else that when you like someone and they're already taken, you imagine the person their with to be the lowest example of human being? I do. Maybe that's the deep-seated egotism that I developed to combat my deep-seated shyness and lack of self-confidence. Anyway the point is, I know for a fact that I am a more intelligent person, a better person, a nicer person, a more talented person and a more unique and rare individual than most of the people who walk this Earth (egotism, just go with it, in real-life I'm probably less impressive). Not to mention I'm taller than about 90% of the planet (apart from Bill). And yet she has the gall and sheer stupidity to choose someone else over me? It doesn't make sense... no sir, that she could date such a low, undeserving scumbag such as... whoever this guy is who I've never met. Anyway, the point is, he's probably lovely... otherwise she wouldn't be dating him, duh. But I hate him and his innumerable flaws. The bastard. And I bet he smells.

So I'm frustrated, time for Pepsi and Feed Dump.

However, tomorrow's a new day. And there's more than one pretty girl in the world...

[PlasmaCow]

Grace: a girl I really, really like; have managed to develop a better friendship lately than we've had before; and was about to in be a position over the next couple weeks where we'd both be heavily involved in a show and around each other an ass-tonne more than normal.

Soooooo.... if I overheard what I think I overheard earlier tonight, she's just started dating an old friend of mine.

Fucking pissed, I am. Please let me have misheard.

[Digital Dolphin]

Interesting day today....

I was talking with a friend, telling her how a girl I was hoping to see wasn't able to meet up with me after all, and it seems unlikely that anything will come of it (I had previously expressed hopes to the otherwise). Discussion then moved to my friends new interest, who she said has too much energy (she considers this a fault at this level), specifying that he has even more energy than I do (little to no sleep, and a lot of personal drive, long work hours, etc). I mentioned that I once didn't pursue a relationship with a girl because she had way too much energy, even though when she was exhausted we got along amazingly.

The conversation continued, and I shared some pics of the girl with my friend, and explained that we'd met a few years back at another con, and that she was the reason I got involved in a ton of other stuff which has been awesome. And yeah, I'm not going to lie, this girl is pretty damn attractive.

I got to thinking about how she had become a lot less energetic since getting a lot more involved in school and various projects, and that the last time we hung out at a get-together, it was really awesome even when she wasn't pretty tired.

So then I noticed that her birthday is coming up, and decided that it was a good conversation starter... so I started writing her an email. Except that I didn't mention her birthday, and basically just told her that we should get coffee or food sometime, and asked if she was available anytime for such things (the actual email was short, kind of silly/witty, and I hope got a smile out of her).

She replied back a few hours later telling me that she can make time pretty much whenever, and to just pick a date.

Suddenly I realize I haven't really thought this through O.O

[Geoff_B]

All this talk about whether or not to tell a girl that you love her made me think of this Eddie Izzard bit

I had to chat up girls, and I'd only tagged them before. I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no! At 13, you're just going, " 'Ello, Sue. I saw you in the room... I've got legs, have you? Oh yeah... Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. [mimes smacking her with the loaf and dashing off] Bye! (I love you!)"

[Fezzul]

Dude, Eddie Izzard is on our forums? Shweet.

[Geoff_B]

Dunno why but it seems to me that girls find it easier to say "I love you" (whatever meaning you attach to it) than blokes. I see it on Facebook when girls will write comments and end them with kisses, hearts etc. I can't do that.

[Avistew]

Dunno why but it seems to me that girls find it easier to say "I love you" (whatever meaning you attach to it) than blokes. I see it on Facebook when girls will write comments and end them with kisses, hearts etc. I can't do that.

It's just more accepted in our culture for females to express their feelings. Men who do are more likely to be ridiculed for it than females. They might be called sissies or unmanly for instance.
Conversely, there is less tolerance for women who aren't the sharing type or who have a stronger physical barrier... Not sure if I'm making myself clear, I mean for instance if a female doesn't like hugging it's usually less accepted than if it's a male.

Being raised knowing you're likely to be teased for it if you publicly express your feelings would make you less prone to do so. I've found that men and female are sensitive to the same level but learn that the "proper" way to express if differs from one to the next. But if you're within a group that is aware there is no need to follow gender "rules" or that they all thing they're stupid, then men are just as likely to express their feelings as women, in my experience.

[Fezzul]

I found myself surprised last night. Me and most of my year were out at a bar, I'd been doing the rounds, speaking to various different people or groups of people, seeing a bit of everyone, then at the end of the night I found myself talking to a girl who I knew, but had never really talked to before.

We got talking and it turns out we have a surprising amount in common. She even knew who Jean-Luc Godard was, which I think is hot, not because I think the world begins and ends with indy cinema, or that I'm a Godard connoisseur (I've watched only about 5 of them), but because Godard's films are fun and cool (particularly stuff like Breathless and The Weekend) and I love it when I find someone who shares a slightly geeky interest with me.

I kind of want to ask her to this Frankenstein screening I'm going to next week. It's an 80th anniversary screening of the original, hosted by Sara Karloff, which could well be awesome.

The thing is, I don't know whether the conversation we had was me/her saying "I want to get to know you better," or "We should go out sometime."

So, she's incredibly interesting, and damn pretty to boot, but I'm not sure what I do next. This is a point where being able to "Read the signs" would come in handy... I'm not sure what I want, and I'm not sure what she wants.

She is damn interesting though...

[The Jester]

Well... what's the worst that could happen if you asked and she said no?

[Fezzul]

It's not so much a worry about if she will say no, more of a "Am I interested in dating her, or do I just want to be a closer friend?" And I sort of wonder what she thinks on the same topic.

We'll see.

[Metcarfre]

Torture-rape and then death.

[PlasmaCow]

It's not so much a worry about if she will say no, more of a "Am I interested in dating her, or do I just want to be a closer friend?" And I sort of wonder what she thinks on the same topic.

We'll see.

Well either way the film sounds a good way to continue whatever the acquaintanceship is and figure out the answer from there.

[Tycherin]

Torture-rape and then death.

Stop being so optimistic.

[Fezzul]

Torture-rape and then death.

Stop being so optimistic.

Just a good Sunday night out for me...

[The Jester]

It's not so much a worry about if she will say no, more of a "Am I interested in dating her, or do I just want to be a closer friend?" And I sort of wonder what she thinks on the same topic.

We'll see.

Ah. Yes. Being sure for yourself in what way you're interested in her would be a good first step. ;P

I agree with PlasmaCow; the film would be an excellent way to continue finding out to what extent you like her. And it's fairly innocuous; just a movie. Friends go to see movies together all the time, no pressure.

[Ahlir]

Earlier this year I met and started dating this guy. And I managed to fall pretty hard for him too. But we had both just come out of long term relationships that left us with some "relationship issues." Either way I did some stupid things, we spilt and I broke all contact with him (cause I'm an idiot). Either way I put him out of my mind (save the every now and again "I wonder what he is doing" thought), got into my study and began to enjoy single life. Then yesterday I was at a mutual friends place and he came up in the convo, so I asked how he was and found out his birthday is coming up and general stuff like that. And I got a mopy feeling while we were talking about him which I just sort of ignored. Then last night I dreamt about him and it turns out... I am not over this guy, at all.

[Fezzul]

I have a similar story with a girl I know, Trixy. We met briefly, for three days in 2009 in Berlin. She was pretty, and quite amazingly lovely and fun. Then I went back to Oman and she went back to Yorkshire. We stayed in touch for a while. After some time, it became too difficult for me to keep writing her. I haven't seen her since.

Every time I think I might be over her, something comes up, in a conversation, in a dream and I will remember her as wonderful as she was. I think the reason I (and maybe you too) can't forget her (or in your case him), is because I never got to see things through to the end. And I don't think I'm going to stop thinking about her, every so often, and what might have happened between us, until either I find someone to fill that space in my life, or I see her again and make a try for it.

I never got closure. Which is my new 'C' word. I think that might relate to your problem too.

[Deedles]

Earlier this year I met and started dating this guy. And I managed to fall pretty hard for him too. But we had both just come out of long term relationships that left us with some "relationship issues." Either way I did some stupid things, we spilt and I broke all contact with him (cause I'm an idiot). Either way I put him out of my mind (save the every now and again "I wonder what he is doing" thought), got into my study and began to enjoy single life. Then yesterday I was at a mutual friends place and he came up in the convo, so I asked how he was and found out his birthday is coming up and general stuff like that. And I got a mopy feeling while we were talking about him which I just sort of ignored. Then last night I dreamt about him and it turns out... I am not over this guy, at all.

I had the same issues with my ex, even though I could never be attracted to him again, I never got over losing him as a friend too. It's not easy, it really isn't, and it's just the "What if?" nagging in the back of your mind.

What are you considering doing? If anything.

[Ahlir]

I don't know. I know I've pretty much ruined any chance of a relationship with this guy and I'm not sure if I could handle just being friends. I guess I should just give it up as a bad job. It's more that I'm shook by the fact that I still have feeling for him. I'm pretty sure this wont be a happy ending situation.

[Digital Dolphin]

So further to my previous post about asking the girl out and her saying to just pick the date for it, we're now on our second reschedule due to unexpected call ins for her to work. Still, each time she's let me know she couldn't make it anymore, she's asked to reschedule without me bringing it up at all.

So now we're not trying to meet on a weekend, which seems to be when she gets called into work, and we're meeting for dinner on Friday.

[TomBrend]

So, my 1 year anniversary with my beautiful amazing girlfriend is next week. Hooray!

[The Jester]

Yaaay! Beer and partying all round! Well.. I mean, I won't be participating in the beer drinking. Or, in fact, partying particularly hard. But still. Celebration, etc.

[Lyinginbedmon]

Mischievously set a time control up on my router to kick my fair maiden's laptop from the Internet between 10 PM and 2 AM. Certainly resulted in fun times since it meant she had little to do on the Internet and has been spending untold hours recently perusing various meme blogs.

[TomBrend]

Yaaay! Beer and partying all round! Well.. I mean, I won't be participating in the beer drinking. Or, in fact, partying particularly hard. But still. Celebration, etc.

But... the beer isn't carbonated yet! I still need to prime it and bottle it and then it needs to condition THERE IS TOO MUCH LEFT TO DO!