The Big Relationship Thread

[Jamfalcon]

Congratulations Avistew, that's awesome!

But as for a happy ending, on the very day I decided that I was fed up with the whole online dating thing and was planning on shutting it down, I got a message from my now fiance. So there's that.

Weird, my relationship was the same way—my now-girlfriend saw my message when she went online to shut down her account. I wonder if there's something psychological behind that, or if it's just super good luck for us.

[Psyclone]

Congrats, Avistew! That's amazing (and pretty adorable).

[Elomin Sha]

The amount of fake accounts that say they want to meet me is stupid.

[betsytheripper]

In my usual pattern, I am back because I'm not feeling great. This is about half a vent, half a little advice request.

So I've been dating the gentleman we will call B since mid-December. It's been going great! I've met all his friends, met his family, everyone apparently likes me, I get along with all of them, great. He hasn't really met any of my friends because I don't have local friends, and he hasn't met my family because they live 2 hours away and he lives in town with his. The 45-60 minute commute between where we live hasn't been a problem, just an annoyance, since we don't really see each other mid week.

Okay. Thing that has been bugging me a little bit. I'm letting him set the pace for what words we use to describe this thing. And he is still insisting that we are just dating (admittedly exclusively) and I'm not his girlfriend, last time I asked (about a month ago). This is something I was going to ask again this weekend, but it's like, dude, almost four months.

Well, I didn't get to ask that. It was his birthday this last week so we were supposed to have a quiet dinner and I was going to make a cake at his place tonight. Key word, supposed to. Basically, it comes down to, yesterday I was super exhausted, so didn't really want to but had to postpone leaving my place until this morning. Then this morning I give him a bit of a warning text that I'm almost ready to leave and he says I can't leave until my "work is done".

I am still furious at this comment. The implication that I don't know how to manage my time, that he doesn't respect my decisions in my work-life balance, though he's never been in grad school and he graduated uni 6 years ago. It's been over 5 hours and I'm still thoroughly pissed. I let him know exactly how I felt. I took a little time to come up with a level response instead of basically yelling, but I let him know in no uncertain terms that I'm pissed and he should consider that it's not in my best interest to be around someone who doesn't respect me.

I do miss him, though. I really still want to see him, but if he showed up on my doorstep (the only means by which I'd see him this weekend, I'm still too fucking angry to drive out there) I might just punch him in the nose for that comment.

So I am sitting here, not considering breaking it off, but contemplating how to handle how he reacts. Like, does he actually stop and consider why what he said hurt me? Or does he just fall back into defensive, "you're just sensitive" mode, which has happened once before and I nearly slapped him for it. If it's the latter? Then yeah, it's over, because I'm not going to deal with that.

So my requests for advice/opinions are on: not using gf/bf at ~4 months, weird? Red flag? How would you handle the fallout from this, pending either (broad category of) response?

Thanks y'all, you're generally pretty level-headed folk, and I admit I'm still seething at the moment, though I tried to give an accurate and not too emotionally charged account of the events as they happened.

[Avistew]

Well... I've known people who didn't use gt/bf until 6 months in, but to be honest, to be if we're dating, then you're my bf and I'm your gf. People work at different speeds though. I wouldn't necessarily get too hung up on the specific words if he's not comfortable with them but the rest of the relationship is fine.

I worry more about the fact that the rest of the relationship apparently isn't fine :S I have no advice on your specific situation though, I'm afraid. Hopefully someone can chime in and help!

[betsytheripper]

Thanks Avistew. The thing is everything else has actually been great. We had a minor argument brought on by preparing for hosting a big party last weekend, but that, I felt, was resolved.

It was the demeaning way in which he said I had to have my work done, like I'm a child, that has me angry, still. "If you feel okay coming out and are done with your work, etc." You don't treat someone you respect like that.

So I'm now considering the possibilities here. Maybe he honestly didn't know that using the same language he uses for his 4yo niece would be offensive. Or maybe he'll just try to backpedal and defend himself because men. Either way, I haven't heard a peep since I let him have it, and right now that's fine by me.

Being angry for this long has brought up in my mind a couple of things I didn't realize were low-level bugging me, though, so I guess that's a little positive.

[Aeralis]

I guess I'd need better context for the "you can't until your work is done" side of things? Because I know that if I were to say something similar to that, my thought process would be "I know we have a big weekend coming up together and I want my S/O to be able to just relax and enjoy it without worrying about having to leave to do some work" and NOT "I don't trust that my S/O is incapable of proper time management so I should boss them around."

From the sounds of your post, it seems like you immediately jumped to scenario 2 and reacted defensively. Again, I don't know if that's actually the case, but from the information given, that's what it sounds like. So my advise would be to have a discussion with him and get to the bottom of the intended message that was being conveyed instead of immediately shutting down and going on the defensive. Not trying to sound condescending or anything like that, I'm just going off of the information presented to me. There probably are details and nuances I'm in the dark about over here.

I also don't know if the two of you have a big history with this sort of thing or anything like that, and if it's been a problem in the past and he knows it's not how you like to be talked to. Again, communication is key, and the only way to resolve conflicts like this and ensure they never pop up again is to make your stance on such issues well known! If he DID know prior and it HAS been an issue before, then yes, you have every right to be angry. But I know that if I were in this situation and I pissed off my S/O due to a slip of the tongue or poorly worded sentiment I would feel pretty extremely terrible about it and would want to work it out immediately.

[betsytheripper]

Thank you for your perspective. Thinking about it, I don't believe I shut it down, but I tried to convey, though yes I was still mad, how it upset me. Thing is, it's always impact that matters. Saying intent matters more trivializes the feelings and experiences of those who are hurt. With this is in mind, I tried to get across that it hurt me and why, basically. I got one response before I let him have it for real. In that response he said it wasn't fair for me to get angry because he thought I said something that he had actually said, effectively putting words in my mouth in this "not fair" accusation. There are some details I'm leaving out, but that's the gist. At that point I did go into detail about why I was mad, and haven't heard from since.

I feel like I tried to convey impact vs intent, but I don't know if that message is falling on deaf ears.

Edit: goddamn phone

[Aeralis]

Oh yes, impact is always more important than intent, and if you conveyed the hurtful impact and he still focused on the intent without really apologizing for the impact, then yeah, that's kinda crappy of him.

It sounds like the best solution is for both of you to cool off and reflect for a bit, then really dig down to the core of the conflict and analyze what went wrong, where it went wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again. Focus on his use of words and how they impact your feelings and try to get him to understand how important it is, and most importantly, make it clear that you want the situation resolved amicably and while you're upset, you're not trying to attack him. Less "you upset me and that's a problem" and more "this interaction upset me, but I'd like for you to understand why and how to prevent it again," if that makes any sense.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I have a very close friend who I care about dearly and I want to support them in any way I physically could.
When I attend marriage ceremonies, I heard aspects of what makes a marriage and I feel like it applied to my feelings towards my good friend.

There is not any romance between us (as far as I know).

I just would like assistance with clarifying this feeling I have. What is this?

I want to act as the role of a spouse for him, but I am doubtful there is romance.


He's training to be a pastor.

For those who do not know. A pastor does more than preach a sermon in a church on a Sunday. They care for his congregation. People come to them for spiritual help. Which is lovely, except who pastors for the pastor? Who is the ear for all the struggles the pastor has. This is where "traditionally" a spouse helps to support them. I want to support my friend through everything in his life.

Maybe this is what it's called when someone becomes as "sister" or "brother to you".

[Elomin Sha]

Tried a new site. Had a message yesterday from a girl in the US saying she was horny and wanted to go on Skype with me. Told them to go away.
Curious that some people say they would not date someone if they haven't been in a relationship. Sucks for me.

[Mums]

Curious that some people say they would not date someone if they haven't been in a relationship. Sucks for me.

People say and think strange things. My now girlfriend had never been in a relationship before, there was this guy who she slept with before we met though. When we got together she told him they shouldn't see eachother any more because she's in a relationship now, his reaction was "nah, we should keep having sex, that is just your first relationship, it's not like that is going to last for a long time"

Just keep at it, you'll find someone not crazy, or just the right amount of crazy.

[Elomin Sha]

There are some crazy things on the new site, in checking most probable matches and their answered questions. Pretty much all have the same ideas and thoughts I have in regards to religion, ethics, lifestyle, etc. Quite a few women don't like it if you put no as an answer to the question: "Would you engage in a rape fantasy if your partner asked you?" Strange.

[Avistew]

I guess that means quite a few women have a rape fantasy and favor partners willing to indulge those fantasies.

[CamelKnackRambleHort]

It's a pretty common fantasy from what I understand. I personally know at least 3 women into it myself.

But in this particular case though I would bet lots of women are reading more into the question than you think. I would. The question is basically "your partner wants to try something new and somewhat kinky in the bedroom, are you willing to satisfy her?" or, put more plainly, "Are you willing to sexually satisfy your partner?" Put like that you can see how answering "no" is going to be a major problem for lots of women even if they don't have that fantasy.

[Avistew]

Yeah. You probably want to add an explanation, such as "I'm happy to try new things to please my partner, but I'm not comfortable with that specific fetish" or something.

[Elomin Sha]

I'll leave it as a No. No means no and I don't have to explain myself.

[Avistew]

Fair enough. Too many people seem to think only subs need safewords, but doms need them too. And regardless of the dynamics, you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with.

Personally, I like detailing my answers because I think the reason behind them is often relevant, but I respect that you shouldn't have to explain a "no" in a sexual context.

[Elomin Sha]

I don't think they'd understand: I am Elomin of Sha! You get in the bag of fire!

[betsytheripper]

Small update: 6 days of not talking, I asked him if we were going to speak again. It took me that long for my anger to subside, or I suppose more accurately, for missing him to outweigh being angry. I'm still pretty deeply offended by the implications of what he said, but the time has given me the chance to form my reaction into a nicely bulleted list, for ease of explanation. Anyway, he said we would talk and he'd let me know when. I'm not exactly sure what this talk will encompass, but my mind is preparing for the worst, as it does. I do really miss him, though. A different kind of "missing" than in previous relationships. And I'm sorry for reacting in anger, but I'm not sorry that I got angry. But I am aware that he is likely on a different emotional-investment level than I am and this could be it. I'm a little numb to that point. Eh, we'll see what happens.

[Avistew]

Well, people didn't seem to care much in the picture thread, so since I'm a sucker for attention and want to show off my boyfriends, I'm reposting it here

Here is an album of my boyfriends and I being dorks, and sometimes also acting like normal people.

[JustAName]

I liked it! I just forgot to say so! 'cuz I'm bad at that stuff. But I do! It's super cute

[Deedles]

Can only agree with Fay here, you three look so sweet together! <3

[Jamfalcon]

Aw sorry, yeah, I meant to reply to that too, but when I got around to replying I just looked at the embedded pictures other people had, forgot to read the post. They're really good pictures, and you look like a happy bunch! (I like Dragon's Jellyfish shirt too)

[Avistew]

I'm glad you guys liked it! I thought maybe the link had been missed. I can see how pictures that are directly in the thread would be more obvious, but I didn't want to take over the thread with so many pictures either And I couldn't pick just one!

That jellyfish shirt is definitely something. I'm not sure where he gets those shirts, he has a few similar ones (in concept. That's the only jellyfish-themed one I can think of).