The Big Relationship Thread

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Thanks Bebop- that's kinda what I thought of the situation. Right now I'm kinda in the process of my rational mind doing the thinking and trying to drag my emotions kicking and screaming through the process- any confusion is purely a result of this internal reshuffling. It's good to hear a bit of independent agreement though, so thanks very much

Oh, and for the record- don't worry about anything coming across as personal. It'll take a lot more than some frank judgement to make me offended, dinnae ye worry

[Bebop Man]

No sweat. I know it's easier said than done. The only reason I'm this adamant about this sort of thing is because I've hit my head against the proverbial brick wall long enough. If the other person isn't as thrilled or excited to give it a shot with you, she's not worth your time.

[betsytheripper]

[Whoops managed to double post.]

[betsytheripper]

To kind of piggyback on the current discussion, I asked a guy I'm interested in today if, after he stops being so busy, he wants to get coffee sometime. The response I got was loosely "I don't foresee not being busy, so maybe, we'll see". I was prepared to hear "no", I was hoping for a yes, and now I've proceeded to get exceedingly drunk and ponder what in the world maybe might be in this sitch.

He is also a grad student in my program, but he's a 4th-ish year PhD and I'm a first year master's (continuing into the phd hopefully). We've got like "professional" links for a big event for a professional organization we're both part of. I just don't know what maybe means and it's kind of driving me nuts.

With some help from DB chat, I've decided I shouldn't breach the topic for a little while (idk, a month?), and if I do probably ask what he meant by maybe, just to get a straight answer (yes but I'm legit busy, I have reservations about it, I'm unsure what you meant, no I'm not interested, something along those lines). I can handle "no" and still be okay with being peers and professional about it, I'm an adult, but maybe. I am not handling maybe well.

I'm sorry I meant it when I said I'm pretty drunk so if there's errors, I apologize. But I was wondering what y'all think of his response. I asked in a very "I know you're quite busy, but when you're not, maybe you'd like to get coffee sometime" kind of way.

I guess also what frustrates me is I haven't felt this way about anyone before. I'm gray-A, and so I've felt emotional attraction, and some mild sexual attraction, and some intellectual attraction, but he has triggered a confluence of all three and I feel like I'm 13 again and I am having a hard time figuring out how to deal.

Anyway. Enough drunk rambling. Thoughts?

[Darkobra]

He's busy as all hell, probably stressed, can't focus on anything but his work right now and the phrasing of your question made him think "Damn, when's the next time I'm NOT busy?" over "Damn, I just got asked out on a date!"

[viscomica]

While I agree with Darkobra, I have to say, neither you nor us (definitely not us) can provide an explanation for what he meant by what he said. He could really be super busy, he might have been trying not to be rude, he might have been super confused about it, might be anything going from "he's really super busy" to "trying to rebuff you in a nice way" You can't get into his head. Just wait for him to get un-busy and get back to you on that. On the other hand, congratulations for asking him out, that takes courage

[betsytheripper]

Thanks, y'all. Now that I've pulled myself together, I'm going to operate under the assumption that it means "no", and in a while ask what "maybe" meant. Give him some time to maybe come around first.

[betsytheripper]

So in a slight update, we haven't spoken since I asked him, more than a polite "hey" in passing. But today was a meeting thing for the society we're both in and only 5 people were there, and we were having round table discussion about a journal article. We were sitting on opposite ends of a fairly long table, but facing each other, and I realized we kept having mirrored positions. The way our body was facing, how we were resting our head on our hands, etc. I purposefully switched how I was sitting a couple times and noticed he ended up in that position, too. Now, I'm trying not to overthink this, but it was weird as hell.

I'm definitely not over him, but with health problems the intensity has faded a little bit. But being near him just. Ugh. I definitely hit a high and low today, but I think I've leveled out.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

So, next progress update on the ongoing saga of Ix Tries This Whole Dating Malarkey. First up, me and the girl from work have decided to stick to just friends- she isn't ready for a relationship, and I'm cool having her as a friend, so I'm happy enough with that.

However, on more progressy news- I have a date! As in an actual, locked down time, place and person! This time it's a girl I met through choir and who I've been umming and ahhing about for the last week or so, but I finally plucked up the courage and she agreed to go out for a drink with me. Current plan is for two weeks today (because schedules, yo), but still- baby steps 'n all that

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Apparently this is turning into the 'Ix tells the forums about his personal drama' thread...

So, the date alluded to in the previous post happened and... it went super well you guys. I kinda don't think either of us expected us to each like one another as much as we did, and ended up having a really good evening with the intention of going for a second one some time. One thing we didn't do was exchange numbers (all exchanges having been worked out via Facebook up to this point)... and this is where the story gets interesting.

See, this was Friday before last, and we made plans to go out to dinner the following Tuesday. For work-related reasons on her end this ended up being postponed, and we saw each other last at a choir thing last Thursday. I've tried contacting her since then, but it now appears her Facebook profile has been entirely deleted. No messages, no wall, no sign it ever existed. I've not seen that happen before. And so I now have no way of contacting her, and since choir has wound up for the year I have no idea when I'm going to see her next, or what's up with her.

This is turning out to be very frustrating...

[JustAName]

Wow. O.O well, I hope things pick back up and continue to go well!

[Bebop Man]

Looks like she needs Me Time. Sucks that she couln't be upfront about it, but that's what I'm interpreting.

[viscomica]

Hmmm... I don't wanna be a pessimist but... kinda sounds like she decided not to keep on dating you but wasn't very honest about it. Maybe I'm wrong and there's other explanation. Let's hope there's another reason she is being so mysterious

[betsytheripper]

Updates on boys.

A couple weeks ago now I caught the guy and restated as "Do you want to get coffee next week?" He rolled his eyes at me and started with "Look, I don't want to get coffee," so I cut him off with "That's all I needed to know" and left. Still not over how gorgeous he is, but definitely over that attitude.

And then I met a guy who spent the whole night at this social thing last week being super into me and then went coldfish right at the end. Confusion abound.

And my current situation is there is another guy I met that same night that I super clicked with, who even invited me to come find him in his lab for a cup of coffee (TL;DR he literally teaches a "how to make coffee" class, promised me he'd make me a cup of coffee I'd like [I am a 100% tea drinker]), who said he'd find me on facebook but I don't have facebook (which I did tell him as he was leaving). So I'm debating looking him up in the public directory (as grad students we're automatically included) and contacting him that way, or just being as patient as possible and sticking it out until January, a whole 3.5 weeks away.

Do y'all think using the public directory would be weird and/or overstepping? I did make an effort to find him at his lab (he did give me the room number), but since classes were already over for the quarter he wasn't there. I was hoping we'd be able to hang out over the break without looming responsibilities filling up our schedules. Even if he's not interested in a relationship I still hella want to be friends with this dude, we nerded out on the same wavelength so hard, it was a blast. But I also know I'm impatient and maybe I should just cool my jets on this one and see if I can catch him the first week of classes. I don't know, I'm waffling. Thoughts would be appreciated.

Also, the saying, "There are two types of grad students: married and desperately single," has never felt more true than the last couple weeks.

And Ix, I'm not sure what the complete deletion could mean, but I also think I'd be wary of getting involved with someone who completely removed their profile with no warnings. At the same time, could be a misunderstanding. Maybe ask a mutual friend to pass along your email or number?

[Jamfalcon]

Sorry to hear about how those first two worked out, Betsy. As for this new guy, my gut says if it's a public directory that isn't like, obscure and tucked away so much that he doesn't know it exists, you're probably okay going that route. Just tell him honestly you didn't have a chance to tell him you didn't have Facebook before he left, but you're definitely interested in that coffee and couldn't think of another way to reach him. For all you know, he's searching Facebook for you as thoroughly as he can and wondering why he can't find you.

That just reminded me of an awkward story from my past... the first date I ever went on. The whole thing we really well, we sat in a Tim Horton's for probably three or four hours and got along really well, and then when we were waiting for her bus, she said something about adding me on Facebook. I got kind of flustered and said that I mostly just use it for family and didn't have much on there (true, at the time) but in retrospect it probably seemed like I wasn't sure if I was interested in her. Then she brought up Skype, and I said I didn't have an account, honestly and completely forgetting in that moment that I totally did and just hadn't used it in a few months. Thankfully we had each other's emails and I kept talking that way, but still, that probably was not my finest moment. (Though taking her skating the next time we went out and being feeling literally sick to my stomach from anxiety may have been worse, but that's another story. )

[My pseudonym is Ix]

As it turns out it wasn't an account deleted, I've just been blocked. No idea as to why, but I guess it'll become clear in the fullness of time. For now, disappointing but there ain't much I can do, so reckon it's best to just forget about it and move on. And Betsy; public directory sounds fine. It's not like you're going all NSA on him, and honestly I reckon you're much better contacting him in a possibly very slightly creepy way than ending up disappointed because neither of you see each other for six months or more.

Basically, what Jam said.

[JustAName]

Sorry to hear that Ix. There was always the possibility she blocked you, but since you said it had gone well, I was figuring it was just another unrelated thing. That's too bad, but yeah, I guess the best thing is just to move on.

[betsytheripper]

Thanks y'all. I did it. I just emailed him. I'll let you know the results later. Right now I'm going to keep myself distracted so I don't obsess over my phone. Talk about adrenaline rush!

Edit, 22 hrs later: He replied last night, asking what I had in mind. I've yet to respond but first step complete!

[betsytheripper]

To update, I never heard back from the email person.

But I exchanged numbers with someone I met this weekend and now I am pretty sure I have a date? I'm almost 100% sure he's coming over and cooking for me on Friday. And I'm mostly sure it's a date and not just a hangout, but not positive until I get an explicit confirmation because I don't want to assume.

But dang. I'm excited. I'll report back.

[betsytheripper]

Since this seems to have become "betsy's dating life: the thread".

It was definitely a date. There were makeouts. I think a second is on the horizon. I really like this guy. It was a great night.

It was rather cute because we both admitted we weren't totally sure it was a date until basically he showed up. The smooching was probably also a telling sign.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

W00!! Nice work Betsy!

[JustAName]

Yeeeeeeee, go betsy!

[Jamfalcon]

Yussss, I'm happy for you!

[Avistew]

Good job!

My own romantic life is going really well. My relationship with my husband is feeling deeper than ever, and I have a boyfriend now. We haven't been together very long (less than two months) but there is already a feeling of routine (I spend two nights a week at his and his partner's place, same day same time every week) and we have a lot in common. And his partner is really awesome two, they're both very geeky. Tonight the four of us spent most of the day playing games together, as we usually do on Saturdays. I'm ridiculously happy.

[JustAName]

That sounds really rad Avistew, I'm so happy for you