The Big Relationship Thread

[Jamfalcon]

That's awesome for you!

[betsytheripper]

Aw, Avistew that's really awesome!

And thanks y'all! We have a second date planned, dinner on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. There's kind of a sense of trying to cram things in before my quarter starts on the 4th, because I'll be pretty busy after that. We'll see what we manage.

[betsytheripper]

I thought I'd bump with a little update: things have been going great, we've been spending the night every weekend this quarter with some dates before NYE, and even though we can't see each other this weekend, he's already got ideas going for the president's day long weekend. I know it's still very early, and living 45 minutes apart causes some hassle, but gosh I'm totally smitten and feel like a goofy teenager. It's the worst. Best. Berst.

[Avistew]

Grats I'm glad this is working out for you.

[Avistew]

Made a picture for Valentine's Day of my partners and me:



Happy Valentine's Day everyone! (I picked this thread in the hopes that it would bother single people the least. But happy V-Day to single people too, treat yourself today!)

[Deedles]

Awww, lovely drawing. <3

[CamelKnackRambleHort]

Very cute drawing.

[Lord Chrusher]

So, internet dating?

[Elomin Sha]

So, internet dating?

*Raises hand*
I'm giving that a try, always been turned off by it, but I thought see what happens. No responses.

In more local news, the guys at work told me for two weeks I should ask our female colleague out before she left her position with us. Did not do that because she already has a boyfriend, someone she had known for years. I do not take advice from them.

[Avistew]

Well, I met my boyfriends through online dating so it's been working out for me, although it's pretty hit and miss. I've had a profile for... six years now? And they're the first people I met as a result. Still worth it, but possibly not the most "efficient" way based purely on my own experience with it.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Is there a way to do it for free?

[Elomin Sha]

There are several sites: pof.com

[Jamfalcon]

I'm very in favour of online dating, I did it for about a year before I met my girlfriend that way. I just used OKCupid, which I know opinions are sometimes mixed on, but I found all the personality questions and match percentages decently accurate and helpful in finding someone I shared tastes/views with. For me, the internet was definitely a good way to go. I'm a pretty introverted, anxious person, and trying to go out specifically to meet people probably would have ended terribly, and my situation at the time didn't have me meeting a lot of new people.

It definitely takes a fair bit of time to sort through people, figure out who you like enough to contact and what to say, but I feel like for anyone who's comfortable having extended conversations online, which I imagine everyone here is since it's a forum, it's worth at least trying.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

The thing I am worried about, is being bisexual, I wouldn't know which binary gender to prefer.

[Jamfalcon]

OKCupid lets you set your profile as bisexual, and you can do searches without filtering by gender if you want to. (I feel like I heard they might have added options for nonbinary and/or trans people too, but that was after I left so I don't quite recall.)

[Avistew]

I used OKCupid too. Both my boyfriends are bisexual, and they found each other through OKCupid, and I also found them through it. So obviously it matches you to both genders if you set yourself as bi. And you can even set yourself as bi, but then still say you only want to see one gender, I believe.

I really enjoy OKCupid, but it could be because it's the most poly-friendly of the mainstream websites. Many of the others (including pof) just ban your account if they notice you're partnered and looking for someone (maybe they assume you're cheating?)

[Elomin Sha]

I'm going to have to be honest with myself. My heart isn't in to it anymore, it was once. This isn't going to work for me. I am not capable of being a boyfriend to some one. I am better off as an older brother.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Hey, if you feel like that Elomin then that's OK. Just remember- either way you never have to have made your mind up forever.

And now onto the reason I sought out this thread again...

So, I recently decided to take the plunge and give online dating a try. Took a bit of courage (and persuasion from my counsellor that I wasn't being philosophically inconsistent), but I now have an OKC profile. Yay for me, I guess.

I'm posting here because I'd be interested to know people's experiences- how successful it was to them, what their message to response ratio was, how they 'sold themselves' via their profile, that sort of thing. I ask partly out of academic interest, and partly because my message:response ratio is currently looking something like 20:0. I guess I'm looking for a little confirmation I'm not just hideously dislikeable

[Jamfalcon]

Good for you! I know it's tough convincing yourself it's okay to try that making that first account.

Don't get too discouraged by the lack of responses. You're clearly better at being outgoing than I was, since I spent almost a year on OKC and sent maybe ten or so messages, most of which weren't responded to, and about the same amount of messages sent to me. But that was just me being probably too selective and limiting myself to my small town and one or two nearby. From that time, I went out with three people - first two who contacted me initially, and then with my now-girlfriend who I contacted.

As for "selling yourself", I'm far from an expert. I think the answer is going to be different for everyone, based on both who they are and who they're looking for. But a few general tips I'd offer:

- Make sure you have more than one or two pictures, and in different contexts. Like, I'd see a lot of people where all of their pictures are them posing clearly on vacation, or making funny faces. It's good to show people some of you just being normal, some where you're doing something interesting, and maybe one or two where you're in an interesting place.

- Don't be scared to write a lot in your profile. I know you're someone who string together a few paragraphs competently, so don't be afraid talk for a little while if you have something interesting to say about yourself.

- On a related note, I've found you shouldn't be writing scared of longer first messages. Obviously you don't want to open with an essay, but I've found a lot of people seemed to appreciate getting more than just "Hi, how are you?". Again, everyone is different, so gauge who you're messaging. Is their profile wordy and clever, or are they more of a straight-forward list person? Nothing wrong with either, but the former will be more into a long message, while the later might prefer to treat the conversation more like an IM chat than letters back and forth.

- If you can think of something in particular of note about yourself that leads to an easy conversation, feature it prominently. For me, I think every message I got that wasn't just a "hi" or whatever was asking about the book I mentioned writing in my opening paragraph. For other people, it could be something like having been born in a different country, or some notable accomplishment. Basically, as you write your profile, just put yourself in the mindset of someone reading it, thinking you're pretty cool, and trying to figure out how to start a conversation with you. What could they ask about? I guess this is a counterpoint to me saying "write lots". Talk about lots, but don't explain all the details immediately, because that takes away from your conversation topics.

- I don't know how much this helps, but I answered a ton of the questions and often wrote explanations, and always appreciated people who had done the same. Again, it's just more to talk about, and helps weed out people with completely conflicting views on certain topics.

- Beyond all that, just be yourself. Don't let fear that someone you know might see it or that you're being too weird let you hold back. It's too easy to edit yourself down into coming off as boring, so just write the way you talk and explain who you are. Chances are good someone will be interested by that person.


That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Again, I can talk a lot but my experience was pretty limited. Someone else is probably better suited to offering advice about the actual sending messages part, I spent most of my time working on my profile and just reading profiles without doing anything.

[Elomin Sha]

Hey, if you feel like that Elomin then that's OK. Just remember- either way you never have to have made your mind up forever.

I've noticed over the years that I suck at forming or maintaining any sort of personal relationship; friends or romantic.

eLoneMin Sha is my new name.

[Psyclone]

My OKC experience tended to be men in their 40s asking me to hang out at their houses, which I'm hoping is different than your experience.

I agree with pretty much everything Jamfalcon said, but I'd add that what seemed to work for me, and what I appreciated in other people, was not taking their profile too seriously. It's not a job interview, so have fun with it.

[Avistew]

My OKCupid experience involved sending tons of messages without getting answers, even when I messages people who had liked me. Then I got answers from a really cool guy a couple of years ago, we never dated (or even met) but he was pretty cool so that was still a success in my book (at least friend-wise). Last year I met my boyfriends through OKCupid, too. First people I ever met in person after seeing their profile, let alone dated. And I started my profile... seven or eight years ago I think?

Mind you I wasn't actively looking for a lot of that time. But yeah, it's pretty hit or miss, I find.

So... Fox told me he loves me! Or rather, he usually tells Dragon "I love you" when we go to sleep, and instead he said "I love you...s". So I guess my first "I love you" from him was an addendum?

He's really shy so that's pretty big. I told him I loved him a couple months ago, but I'm usually the one to say it first and I expected him to take a few more months before he said it to me. So I'm really giddy about it

[JustAName]

Aww, that's great Avistew!

[Aeralis]

Aww, that's adorable Avistew!

As for OKC, it was exceedingly hit and miss with me. Lots of unreplied to messages, lots of small conversations that didn't take off, got a few dates out of it that didn't pan out, met one guy that I was pretty serious with for a year until he... rediscovered himself again. It's also worth pointing out that I was living in an area with a very scarce public gay presence, so the barrel was being scraped pretty thoroughly from the start.

But as for a happy ending, on the very day I decided that I was fed up with the whole online dating thing and was planning on shutting it down, I got a message from my now fiance. So there's that.

[CamelKnackRambleHort]

That's great Avistew, and incredibly cute!