The Big Relationship Thread

[Dave-O_Boy]

But I've found that every single person I know who actively seeks out a partner has trouble finding one. Whereas all the ones who don't actively seek them seem to just run into wonderful people whom they fall into relationships with. I know I'm that way personally.

That's what I observed from watching frantic friends searching for relationships vs friends who just let it come. Hakuna Matatta. I just couldn't find it in me to ever give a fuck. I was the type of person who found happiness in myself and my life, and let the joy of relationships come to me. They did when they did and I never rushed a thing.

I'm like that. Except that relationships never come my way haha, but at least I'm not all stressed and worrying about it and wasting all my time and energy trying to change that and instead enjoying myself.

I don't know about that theory too much. I've gotten into relationships all sorts of ways. Sometimes I was looking sometimes I wasn't. But for the vast majority of my adult life I've been single and mostly fine with it.

A little bit of my own experience on the subject matter:
My passed relationships have hardly lasted very long (longest 2 months), and I never so lonely and unwanted as when I've been dating someone. It seems that anyone that finds me attractive decides after a short while that they were totally mistaken and apparently thought I was someone who I am not. *sigh*

So I tend avoid romantic relationships altogether and have been so for 4 years now. Every now again I'll look around to see if I can find anyone, but it always proves fruitless. Part of me (probably the majority) is actually kind of happy about that.

[Gordon Fearman]

Okay, Lyinginbedmon. I'm going to try to expand the only relationship advice I've ever gotten to your situation. So, John Nash tells us that if we try to get what we actually want we'll only fail. So obviously the solution in your case is to go out with a third, and probably hideous, girl.

[Jillers]

Wait, Lyin: gdoes the girl know that you know that she thought that you were more interested in the other girl, because if she doesn't, then telling her you know that will be a baaaaaaad thing.

As for me, I'm pretty damn happy being me, and I don't need or desire a relationship to be complete, so I'm not looking for anything and am really just letting things happen how they happen. I look to two of my friends for inspiration to stay single - they both believe that they need to be in a relationship to be complete. One is currently looking for one and whenever she talks about the current hullabaloo she's going through, sounds needy and desperate, and the other found a relationship and her personality, while not completely changed, has changed enough for me to notice (direct quote from her: "I don't mind when he doesn't clean up after himself, because I see his garbage as our garbage"). Neither of these situations appeal to me, and both foster co-dependecy, and neediness, and clinginess - none of which I can stand in a significant other.

I have a word of advice for people who are thinking of the internet dating thing - I have a profile and sometimes chat with people from there: the two guys I met from the online sites were.... well, one, when I asked if there was anything I should know about his physical appearance before I met him (so I wouldn't be all "WTF" because I am horrible at hiding my shock) said "no" - and yet when I met him, no upper teeth. The second guy didn't shower before our date, and didn't wear any cologne. I'm sure there are internet guys who have all their teeth and don't smell, but I haven't met them apparently.
(the teeth thing was easy enough to get over though - but personality wise he was emotionally demanding, and I'm not the type of person that can deal with someone calling them 4 times a day just because they want to hear my voice).
Also, guys, if a girl says she's a "free-spirit" that means she's bat-shit insane.

But being single has made me focus on the important things I would require in a relationship:
A Guy
Taller than me
Excellent sense of humor
Has all his teeth
Showers and wears a little cologne
Is talented (preferably artistically)
Is a little geeky or as geeky as me
Likes/wants cats
Is not clingy
Is at least as intelligent as me
Doesn't place too much importance on my looks (since I don't care too much about his looks)
Doesn't need to be rich
Does his own thing and will let me do mine
Will one day want kids (that day is not now)
Will spend Christmas Eve with my family

There, I think I narrowed it down to everything I need in a significant other. I personally think I make my best significant other.

[Kara]

Okay.
The reason a lot of time people who aren't looking get into relationships is because they don't seem SUPER desperate. Seeming desperate is NOT attractive, so it totally turns people off.
There are other factors, but that's the biggy i've found.

[Genghis Ares]

But being single has made me focus on the important things I would require in a relationship:
A Guy
Taller than me
Excellent sense of humor
Has all his teeth
Showers and wears a little cologne
Is talented (preferably artistically)
Is a little geeky or as geeky as me
Likes/wants cats
Is not clingy
Is at least as intelligent as me
Doesn't place too much importance on my looks (since I don't care too much about his looks)
Doesn't need to be rich
Does his own thing and will let me do mine
Will one day want kids (that day is not now)
Will spend Christmas Eve with my family

There, I think I narrowed it down to everything I need in a significant other. I personally think I make my best significant other.

Jeez, that's pretty much me...

[Kara]

That's a good list Jill.

[Jillers]

Feel free to borrow bits and bobs and claim it as your own

[Kara]

I have a boyfirned. Butya. There are some really important things I want in a guy.
I might write them tomorrow.

[Allen!]

A lot of great things that are said.

Jill, I'd marry you myself right now if that was feasible. And if I thought you could actually put up with me for more than an hour. I love the list, and I love the "my own SO" philosophy, cause that really rings true for me.

I prefer being single, I think. I handle it better, emotionally and mentally. And physically, too, actually.

The list is really easy to fit into for me, which makes me sad, in a way.

Man, maybe I should read this thread.

[Allen!]

Actually, hell, I feel like venting and babbling incoherently.

I've had a strange history of relationships. Rather, I've had a lot that were never official, and a lot that were more about feeling and companionship than anything else. I've never been all "ahmigawd sex", because, for me, sex is a thing of pure emotion. To the point where I've actually turned down sex, when things were getting very, er, 'steamy', we'll say. Of course, all three of the times where I turned down a girl I was literally -about- to have sex with, it was for largely moral reasons, each time. Which itself would be odd, for people who 'know' me to consider. Hell, I've even turned down sex WHILE DRUNK. I've turned down a threesome with two girls. I've turned down sex with exs, and even sex with currents. Usually a week or two before things ended.

Sex means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but to me, when I truly want to do it(and am not shitfaced beyond all measure), it's for the 'right' reasons, in my mind. It's never, EVER 'just about sex'. It's a physical, emotional and spiritual coming together, and it's something that just doesn't seem to happen... properly, enough, in my eyes.

I'm regarded as somewhat odd by a lot of my friends in that I don't often demand or crave sex. I don't whine about not getting laid very often, and I don't go out to bars with the specific intention of bringing somebody home. I masturbate, yes, but that's a physical urge. The physical part of sex is secondary to the personal connection, for me. Maybe it's a little weird, I have no idea. I've seen people cry post-coitus, so I don't think I'm alone here.

Wow, I'm babbling and being incoherent. Just as predicted.

Anyway, I do a lot of 'long distance' stuff, which I often wonder is unhealthy, but I find I can connect in a different way online than I can in person. It's possible that it's because I can express myself better online - I can edit my words, and directly convey my thoughts with written word than I can spoken. I still talk to them verbally, of course - the phone, skype, cutesy voicemails - but there's a lot lost in body language.

I still come off, I think, as kind of a douchebag, even online. This is partially intentional, I suppose, as part of an ingrained defense mechanism in my personality. But people still like me in spite of it, just as they do in person. Sure, my ex's friends all hate me, but they're all flighty drama queens, so what do I care? My ex loves me, in spite of everything we'd been through, and she takes every opportunity to tell me how much she misses me and blah blah blah. Even in SPITE of how much of a total douchebag I was, or the NUMEROUS times I had to break up with her. So why? Is it that girls LIKE the bad guy? I have no idea.

OH FUCK I AM SO TIRED AND BABBLING I SHOULD DELETE THIS.

I'm ridiculously coherent(spelling wise) for a drunk. Fuuuuuuuuu-

[Trisha Lynn]

Well Trisha, dear, I don't think we're meant to be. This was fun though..

I didn't mean for this to be a check-list for people to check themselves against! Though, I do appreciate the gesture.

As for pictures of me, if I could only remember the name of the guy whose camera James borrowed when taking pictures of the bands in the LRR-mini-meetup at PAX, then I could bug him about getting those uploaded and/or sent to James so that he can post them in a blog post and then you'd be able to see what I look like and I can finally have some updated Facebook pictures.


Trisha Lynn
...what part of Long Island...?

[Trisha Lynn]

That said, dear Trisha, instead of wondering why it is you can't seem to find and hold onto guys for relationships, perhaps you should be wondering why you want to find and hold onto one?

I mean, it's a nice thing to have somebody. But I've found that every single person I know who actively seeks out a partner has trouble finding one. Whereas all the ones who don't actively seek them seem to just run into wonderful people whom they fall into relationships with. I know I'm that way personally.

I dunno. I have a theory that there's some forces at play in the universe that purposefully arrange for these sorts of things to happen. And until we find said forces and smack them upside the head a few times, the only thing you can do is change your approach

Oh, I'm totally wondering that. I've been wondering that for about two years and it's currently costing me $300 bucks a month. Hooray for being one of the approximately 50% of New Yorkers who are in therapy! </sarcasm>

I think your theory's cool, but I've always felt that just sitting around and waiting for life to hand you the things you want is a good way to just sit around. Think back to what Matt brought up when he made his post. Cute girl at work gives off "classic" sign that she's interested in him, he smiles back and does nothing. If he'd only just done something, even as inane as introducing himself and asking what department she worked in, then maybe something else awesome could have happened.

If I don't make a conscious effort to go out and meet new people or find new ways of meeting different people instead of sitting around my apartment and fucking around on the Internet, then I am not giving the universe the chance to throw those "right people" into my path, capice? That's what you're saying when you wrote "the only thing you can do is change your approach," right? Or am I totally misreading you?


Trisha Lynn
...no fate but the one you make...

[Arius]

I'll just go ahead and put forth the most desperate and unhealthy part of my personal life. See, while I'm trying to date new girls, there's one little issue that is always there.

I still love my ex unconditionally.

Yeah... Not a good thing, but not something I can control. Trust me, I've tried everything. Things just seem to fall in a way that moving on isn't working. And don't bother with the whole "let go" thing. I've heard it and I've been trying.

The thing is, she was the perfect girl for me. I'm not just saying that in a whole "looking back to the past" thing. We had everything in common when it came to our personalities. Physically, she was not only my type, but if I needed something to point out the kind of girl I'm into, it would be her.

So, that not only sucks, but imagine what it would be like to have almost everything in your life be related to someone who broke your heart. Yeah, not fun to sit through.

As for why it ended, it was a number of things. She talked about her ex a bit much for me, and instead of saying something, I became insecure. Then I started getting clingy, bad move, but I had managed to convince myself that she was going to dump me. Things got worse from there. She closed off to me and I got upset about it, then finally it ended. For a while we tried being friends. When my grandmother died, she stayed up and talked to me.

Things kept changing. Sometimes she'd completely stop talking to me at random. Then when she did talk to me, we talked like we did when we were dating. I hope you can see how that would fuck with me.

Finally, back in May she stayed up to talk to me but I was letting her go to bed. Before I did, I told her I'd call in a couple days. She said "Okay." and went to bed. I called a few days later, she didn't answer. Then a few days after that, still no answer. I was tired of the way this was going, I don't like being ignored at random like that. I'd rather have someone tell me to get out of their life completely.

So, after I got sick of it, I sent a message asking what was going on. She ignored it. A week later, I was getting upset about this, and I sent a message that was basically "If you're going to act like this every time that you start to feel something, why should I bother?" Ignored. Then a guy I knew since I was 10 died. That put me in a bad place.

In August, I started trying to talk to her again. Ignored. By September, I was ready to just remove her from my life completely. But it wasn't seeming to happen.

Finally, I got her to talk to me. She said that I was too needy for her. That she thought she liked the idea of me more than she ended up liking me. Which I don't get why she suddenly talked about the relationship stuff since I was just trying to keep a friendship. She said she felt apathetic towards me and just didn't have any urge to talk to me. That cut right to the bone. I had asked her for ten minutes, and we wound up talking for an hour. At the end she was joking around a little. I asked what she wanted, she said 'Nothing' I asked if she wanted me to leave her alone, she didn't respond. So, I asked if it would be alright for me to call her on her birthday, she joked that if there was no answer it was because she was in the woods burying bodies. That joke actually made a friend of mine who had never met her say that she was just like me.

I called on her birthday, as I expected there was no answer.

I can't put all the blame on her because I let things get to me, and I lashed out.

I know, it's pathetic and all, but if she called me right now and said she needed anything, I'd drive the 161 miles to where she goes to school immediately. I really should let go, move on, find something else. But at the end of the day, I know where my heart lies.

Also, it doesn't help that the fates seem determined to cock block me any time that I try to move on.

[Kara]

Dude, I know what being in love with an ex is like. I did it for a whole year. Then I had a sexual experience with her and her current boyfriend and it kind of helped me move on. Until I got to be with her though I never got over her. She's the only person I've ever been really in love with.
She's still a wonderful person, but somehow for me sex got my the closure I needed for it. I think everyone has different closure. I just lost interest after I had sex with honestly. I think it's because I immediately associated her with her current boyfriend, who is far from a charming person.

My point being that you need to find your own way towards getting over her. How long ago did you break up withher? (Sorry if you said this already, I might've just missed it it.)

[Dave-O_Boy]

...what part of Long Island...?

hah. Pretty much smack dab in the middle.

[Arius]

Almost a year now. The thing is that I'm like Allen when it comes to sex. I'm more in it as an emotional thing than a physical thing.

And I'm like Dave in the no problem with being single aspect. I'm only trying to date because it seems like the healthy thing to do, and I guess I can try being well adjusted.

But, in the end, if I can't have her... I don't really want anyone. It's double pathetic.

Actually, it's kind of funny. She said I'm too needy, but I honestly have no problem being alone for years if that's what I end up doing.

I've dated my share of girls. I've thought I was in love before, but no, it was always just the moment. With my ex, I can think of any moment we had and feel everything. I'd honestly do anything to make her happy, even if it meant never talking to her again.

[Trisha Lynn]

Time for some unasked for tough love!

And I'm like Dave in the no problem with being single aspect. I'm only trying to date because it seems like the healthy thing to do, and I guess I can try being well adjusted.

But, in the end, if I can't have her... I don't really want anyone. It's double pathetic.

Hmm... dating people because you think it's the well-adjusted thing to do isn't healthy. But then again, neither is pining for someone who didn't and doesn't respect you and your feelings.

So, that not only sucks, but imagine what it would be like to have almost everything in your life be related to someone who broke your heart. Yeah, not fun to sit through.

The very fact that I'm into videogames, anime, and comics is due to the first man I loved and was loved by. I got over it by selling on eBay almost all the things I collected that he and/or his mom got for me as Christmas and/or birthday present, burned all of his love letters from our very first relationship, shredded some other photos, and keeping only a very few keepsakes.

I also think that the fact that I genuinely like some videogames, anime, comics, and graphic novels that I was able to find on my own after we broke up (that first relationship lasted six years, btw, from when I was 15 to when I was 21) doesn't hurt, so that almost all of the things I own and enjoy are things I acquired myself.

Another addendum: The reason why I would like to find a partner so much is that I remember that I was at my happiest when I had him at my side because of the love we shared. I know I've got issues when it comes to love and acceptance, but the more I work though them in therapy, the less immense they seem. However, even if I do manage to "cure" everything, this does not negate the fact that being alone now sucks balls.


Trisha Lynn
...reminds everyone that she's 32...

[Elomin Sha]

Bumped into cute work girl, alone, in the mail room. She turned, smiled, tossed her hair and said "hi."

I said "Hi," and smiled, then collected my mail, and left.

I would have done the same.
What does tossing the hair signify?

[Trisha Lynn]

Bumped into cute work girl, alone, in the mail room. She turned, smiled, tossed her hair and said "hi."

I said "Hi," and smiled, then collected my mail, and left.

I would have done the same.
What does tossing the hair signify?

Heh. Just as birds have mating rituals, so do some girls.

Think of the hair flip as a plumage flash, meant to catch your eye, inform you that she is willing to speak to you further about things not related to the sorting of mail.


Trisha Lynn
...has to do with accenting positive aspects of femininity without using cleavage...

[Dave-O_Boy]

And yet it's usually the male of the species with the plumage and such. Maybe us humans are doing something wrong.

[Machalllewis]

Why is it that chicks say "I just want to meet someone" but will always have a list two miles long wheras dudes are just like "If shes got tits then I can deal with the rest."

Arius, stiff upper lip old chap, relationships aren't everything. Sorted.

Theres a lass I know who I quite like but I doubt Im gonna do anything about it. We were both at a party last night and spent like 15 minutes wrestling. She won but only cos a bloke stood on my chest to keep me down for the three count. I so can't remember how it even started.

[TomBrend]

Dude, I know what being in love with an ex is like. I did it for a whole year. Then I had a sexual experience with her and her current boyfriend and it kind of helped me move on. Until I got to be with her though I never got over her. She's the only person I've ever been really in love with.
She's still a wonderful person, but somehow for me sex got my the closure I needed for it. I think everyone has different closure. I just lost interest after I had sex with honestly. I think it's because I immediately associated her with her current boyfriend, who is far from a charming person.

My point being that you need to find your own way towards getting over her. How long ago did you break up withher? (Sorry if you said this already, I might've just missed it it.)

So stuff I didn't know about Kara that this post told me: she is/was bi/lesbian... and she has had threesome.

HIGH FIVE KARA.

[Trisha Lynn]

And yet it's usually the male of the species with the plumage and such. Maybe us humans are doing something wrong.

Why do you think such a thing as "men's fashion" exists? Because women like men who look nice.


Trisha Lynn
...this also explains part of the appeal of "Mad Men"...

...oh, and "Suiting up!"...

[Trisha Lynn]

Theres a lass I know who I quite like but I doubt Im gonna do anything about it.

Why not?

Also, for the record, I think "lass" is fine as a term of endearment for women. I have a Scottish friend who lives in England that I'd "made smiles" with a few years back and loved it when he called me "pet."


Trisha Lynn
...mmm, accents...

[Machalllewis]

Ah see this is just how I operate. If you never put yourself out there then you can never ever fail or get rejected. Thus life becomes a nil-nil draw on home turf cos you can pretty much do what you want anyways. Also shes a friend of a friend so if I was to try anythin it would get back to them and thus be terribly embarrasing if anything did happen.

I have a friend who hates it when I refer to women as chicks so I generally try to mix it up a bit with the lasses and whatnot