The Big Relationship Thread

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The Jester
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 27 Sep 2013, 03:47

I thought I did love her, but I'm not so sure any more. I jumped in too fast and didn't get to know her properly before getting in really deep. I've made the mistake before but I told myself that I knew what I was doing this time and that it felt like the right pace for this particular relationship.

But now that I know more about her impulsive desicion making and poor judgement I feel a lot less certain of future happiness. I haven't seen her pattern change, not in the (almost) six months we've been together, and not from the current effects of things she's decided to do in the past.

I'm also not sure now whether, if she changed, I could go back to the strength of feeling I had before. I think I'd always be wondering how long it'd last, how long before she overspends or gives someone a chance they've long since stopped deserving, how long before something goes wrong again that could have been avoided.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby iamafish » 27 Sep 2013, 04:20

have you tried talking to her about it? If she knew how you felt, maybe she'd make a more conscious effort to change her ways.
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The Jester
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 27 Sep 2013, 04:32

As far as I can tell, and I know I don't know her perfectly, she'd take something like that as a personal attack and become extremely angry, and then detrimentally self-critical. She already feels like she's failed her son for the past six months because she hasn't been able to get them their own place to live.

But I don't know for sure. Maybe she'd be able to absorb what I was saying and start changing. But either way I don't think she'd end up very well disposed to me.

I'm pretty sure that on some level she knows her decisions aren't great, but that only ever seems to serve to add to her anxiety and feelings of failure, not actually cause her to change.

Maybe me pointing all the places where I think she's exhibited poor judgement will shock her into change? But that's not the kind of thing a relationship tends to survive. :/
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Drecon » 27 Sep 2013, 09:28

Jester; two things:

1: People don't just change. If you're staying with her be prepared to get this behavior for the next ten to thirty years. If in this stage of the relationship this is costing you more energy than it is giving you, chances are it's only going to get worse.
Staying with her not for who she is, but for who she could be is ultimately going to hurt her a lot more than breaking it off.

2: Don't think too much about how this is going to affect her. You are not responsible for her feelings or for her decisions. The only person you should actively be worrying about is yourself.
Reading your posts it seems like all you are thinking about is how all this is affecting her, while you should be thinking about how this is affecting you.

Now, that said: you should probably really think about what you really feel for her and what you are getting out of it.
These kinds of decisions are never easy and I don't envy your position here.
Just make sure that if you're staying with her you're doing it for you, and not for her.

The best of luck. I know how hard situations like these can be, since they are about subjective factors and it's impossible to be really honest to yourself about what you really want.

Take care.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 27 Sep 2013, 13:07

I've decided I'm going to break things off, and while I am worried that it will make her react very badly, I do also fully understand that that's not something I can worry about very much any more.

I'm mostly wondering how to break it to her. I'm almost certain that a phone call would end very quickly with her hanging up, and to be honest even if she did hang on and listen I'm pretty sure I'd forget stuff I'd meant to say or say things I don't intend to... which leaves me with email.

I know it's harsh-(er than an in-person breakup or a call-breakup), but I want to make sure I say exactly what I mean and can avoid as much as possible making her feel like it's her fault.


I understand, Drecon, that if this is the way she is she's probably not going to change much. It sucks, and I do really wish I'd spent more time at the outset getting to know her. I shall definitely be endeavouring to take things slow the next time I begin a relationship.

Thanks, you guys. :)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Scrumpmonkey » 27 Sep 2013, 14:17

Wow this thread is BIG. I guess you get what it says on the tin. A lot of people here seem to need a hug. So have a hug *collective hug*
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 27 Sep 2013, 14:19

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 27 Sep 2013, 15:51

The Jester wrote:I'm almost certain that a phone call would end very quickly with her hanging up, and to be honest even if she did hang on and listen I'm pretty sure I'd forget stuff I'd meant to say or say things I don't intend to... which leaves me with email.

Call. If she hangs up, or not, then follow up with an email. Going straight to email is weak and selfish. It also sucks extra hard for the recipient.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby viscomica » 27 Sep 2013, 17:02

As a female fellow human being I can assure you there's no lower way to break up with someone than by emailing them. Try calling her first, like Metcarfre said, if she hungs up it's her fault.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby iamafish » 28 Sep 2013, 00:25

why don't you do it in person? always the most honest way, I find.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 28 Sep 2013, 00:48

He lives in the UK and she lives in the US, if I remember correctly. In person would be difficult and expensive.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby iamafish » 28 Sep 2013, 01:09

fair enough
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Sep 2013, 02:12

Deedles is right, she lives in the US. Met and Viscomica are also right; I was being a coward in automatically discounting a call and skipping straight to email. I'm really bad at emotionally fraught situations, but I'll give it a go. I do owe her that.

I'll have the email prepared, and reference it, because I don't want to accidentally drift from the things I want to say into things that would be better left unsaid. But yes, I'll call her when she's up.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Sep 2013, 07:24

I called, and told her, and she asked my why. I gave a brief outline of my reasons, and told her I wished her well before she told me to "Shut the fuck up" and hung up. So I sent her the email I'd written, so that she had a bit more of my reasoning.

[Edit for spelling]
Last edited by The Jester on 28 Sep 2013, 10:08, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 28 Sep 2013, 08:48

Good man.

Remember, you can't (and shouldn't!) control someone else's feelings, actions, and reactions, but you can consider and control your own.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 28 Sep 2013, 08:54

The Jester wrote:...before she told me to "Shut the fuck up" and hug up.


Ah, adorable typos for the win.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 28 Sep 2013, 09:12

Yeah, I can't imagine many situations where that would have ended well, but it was still the best thing you could have done.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Sep 2013, 10:14

I was fucking terrified when I called. I hated it, but I still managed to get out the basics of what I wanted to communicate. I'm very sorry that I hurt her, but ultimately staying with her would have ended up hurting me more.

I'm gonna leave relationships for a while, and just wait for another one to happen when it happens. I'll also take my time to get to know them, too. I rushed this time, I think, because I was lonely. It's just that being found attractive by someone I find attractive is so unusual it gets under my guard and makes all my loneliness hard to ignore.

I really need a cuddlebuddy or something. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby cuddlyblade » 28 Sep 2013, 10:28

Did somebody say cuddly! :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 28 Sep 2013, 10:39

I don't think you're close enough for cuddles, dude. :P

Also, I'd be worried about cuddling a blade. ;)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby OMGItsSarah » 28 Sep 2013, 11:07

Jester, you can have hugs in this thread too! HUGS FOR YOU. ALL OF THE HUGS YES
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Kortanios » 28 Sep 2013, 16:10

viscomica wrote:As a female fellow human being I can assure you there's no lower way to break up with someone than by emailing them. Try calling her first, like Metcarfre said, if she hungs up it's her fault.


I think texting her would be even lower, but that's just my opinion...

Massive hugs, Jester!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby cuddlyblade » 28 Sep 2013, 17:45

The Jester wrote:Also, I'd be worried about cuddling a blade. ;)


O there's no need to be worried like in most situations you just need to be careful around the pointed part and you'd be fine. :wink:
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Laurnil » 29 Sep 2013, 08:55

Just popping in here to inform people about the new dating thread. It was an idea that grew out of the sex thread. We now have 6 profiles up! Including mine! (I really don't know if that is interesting to you, but I thought I'd mention it.) So, any single people looking for other single people? Go check it out.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Laurnil » 29 Sep 2013, 08:55

cuddlyblade wrote:
The Jester wrote:Also, I'd be worried about cuddling a blade. ;)


O there's no need to be worried like in most situations you just need to be careful around the pointed part and you'd be fine. :wink:



Also, I like the pointy part. ;)
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