The Big Relationship Thread

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby J_S_Bach » 18 Jul 2016, 06:10

Elomin Sha wrote:I said stop. - Fay


Or just take it to a different thread, as was suggested. No reason to get snarky about it.


I also wanted to share a success story for a long distance relationship. My fiance and I were separated by 17 000 km for four months which went overwhelmingly well and now she is 8000 km away in Canada's arctic for the month. This trip has been a little harder to deal with only because of how board I'm getting at home since communication is limited to when she is at the base camp in Inuvik. Just wanted to share some hope that LDRs can work out.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 18 Jul 2016, 09:16

AdmiralMemo wrote:
Elomin Sha wrote:Hell, there's a few things on this forum that I find offensive but don't tell people to not say it.
Amen to that...


And thirded.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 18 Jul 2016, 09:56

So, this is going to be a bit long, sorry, but I wanted to give you guys... the whole story.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY INCLUDES MEDICAL DESCRIPTIONS THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED GROSS/GRUESOME. I WILL INCLUDE A TL;DR AT THE END FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD RATHER SKIP IT.

Anyway. My husband Seamus has diabetes, and one of his symptoms is neuropathy. More specifically in his case, he has pretty much no feeling in his feet. About 6 weeks ago, he walked on something (we think) and got a wound on the sole of his foot. He didn't notice, and when I first spotted it I thought it was just a crack in a callus or something.

It got infected though, so we went to the doctor's. He got on antibiotics. After a full course of antibiotics it wasn't better, and he was getting chills and fevers and feeling overall terrible, so we went back and got prescribed a different antibiotic. They also took a culture. A few days later they called us back to say that the new antibiotics would be no good either, his infection was antibiotics-resistant, and gave us a third kind of antibiotics.
This one worked at stopping the infection where it was. It didn't heal but it stopped progressing. It also stopped the fever and chills. But new sores had appeared at the side of his foot in the few days between the culture and the results, and they were infected pretty badly too.
So I cleaned up his wounds everyday, gave him a new dressing, etc, and it was slowly getting better. After the ten days of antibiotics were over, though, he wasn't healed. The course of antibiotics was done so we weren't quite sure what to do. I kept changing his dressing and taking care of his foot like before, but it started getting worse again, and the fever and chills came back. On Sunday last week, he reached a fever of 102 degrees F (39 Celsius) and we went back to the doctor for a third time.

This time, the doctor looked at it and sent us to the ER. From there, Sean was admitted. They did X-rays, cat scans, more cultures... they said that he got MRSA and got him into IV antibiotics. A vascular surgeon, a team of other surgeons, a podiatrist, an infectious disease specialist... they all came and looked at it. By the second day there were talks of cutting off his foot.

Seamus pleaded and bargained with them, asking them to save what they could. They were all pretty confident that the infection had reached the bone to the point where it couldn't be saved, but ended up concluding that it may be possible to only amputate his big toe and the ball of his foot, and leave the rest.
On Wednesday or Thursday (I lost track of time, it was all very tense) he went in for surgery. The doctors repeated that they would try to save the rest of the foot (although the toe was a goner) but couldn't promise anything.
This was all pretty scary.

In the weirdest twist I could have imagined, the surgeon came out after the surgery to find me in the waiting room and let me know they managed to save not only the foot as a whole, but even the toe! The infection did reach the bone, but it mostly went all around it, and they managed to scrape off part of the bone and get read of several pockets of infection and clean it all out, without needing to entirely remove the bone. We were really thrilled and made sure to thank the surgeons profusely. They were as surprised as we were as the X-rays and so on gave a bleaker picture than what they saw when they opened him up.

It's not over though. Because they didn't remove the bone, they need to make sure the infection is gone, and not coming back, or he'll need the toe amputated anyways. So on top of wound care twice a day (it's the freakiest wound I've seen. Well, series of wounds. There are six openings, most of them all connecting together, on the top, bottom and ball of his foot, and you can see the bone through. It's both fascinating and kind of scary), which consists in packing the wounds tight with packing strip and wrapping it in dressing so it can heal from the inside out rather than the outside closing and leaving a pocket inside, he also need IV antibiotics every six hours for 6 weeks.

The insurance needed to authorize the home care, and that took ages because they were closed over the weekend. So we had to stay in the hospital for that extra time, which all the doctors and nurses thought was ridiculous. We used the time as we could though, and doctors and nurses supervised me as I learned to do the packing of his foot, since I'll be doing it twice a day for weeks. He got his PICC line installed for the IV antibiotics and I was taught how to administer them with the pump they had at the hospital, which consisted mostly of a lot of prep time to avoid anything getting infected since it goes directly into his heart.

In the end we were told today that he'll be discharged by the end of the day, and that the insurance authorized a different IV machine which will stay connected to him for the whole time and can be carried around in a backpack, and won't require me to give the antibiotics to him every six hours (which would have been tiring) because it uses cartridges that are only changed once a day and it programmed to administer the meds at the appropriate time.

TL;DR: My husband had a bad foot infection he didn't realise was as bad as it was because he has no feeling in his feet. We were told his foot or at least toe would need to be amputated but in the end they managed to save both. He'll need IV antibiotics for the next six weeks and wound care until he's healed, but he'll be fine. This was scary but it turned out well in the end.

It was a very terrifying experience, and I was so happy that I was there for him. We were in a LDR for years. That would have been so much worse without me there for him (I lived in the hospital for that week. Hospital chairs are less comfortable than beds :P)
It was tiring and stressful but I have never felt better about our relationship.

I need to head out, the doctors are here to discharge him.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 18 Jul 2016, 10:00

Whew that was a roller coaster, but I'm so glad it turned out better than was expected in this situation! Hope things continue to improve.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 18 Jul 2016, 10:07

Yikes, that sounds like it was terrifying to go through, but it's great the the outcome was actually better than the surgeons even hoped for! Wishing him a speedy recovery, and you a chance to get some sleep in your own bed. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby CamelKnackRambleHort » 18 Jul 2016, 10:33

That would be terrifying! it is good that things turned out better than were expected, but this is still not a fun thing to go through. I hope things turn out really good, Avistew.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Psyclone » 18 Jul 2016, 11:41

Oh my gosh, Avistew, that sounds like an awful experience. I'm glad you both made it through okay and better than expected! Sleeping in a hospital for a week is no fun though; I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad you were able to be there.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 18 Jul 2016, 22:21

Thank you for your wishes, everyone! We're home and in our own bed and we can rest for now. I'm really glad that the scariest part is behind us, now we just need to monitor everything carefully.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 19 Jul 2016, 04:03

Yeah, that does sound scary, Avi. I'm glad that they were able to save his foot though! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a swift recovery. <3
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 20 Jul 2016, 10:52

Is taking relationship advice from South Park's Chef a good idea?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Zombaholic » 21 Jul 2016, 03:33

I decided to appear on a national television dating show to try to go on a date with the opposite sex

This may have been a bad idea
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 21 Jul 2016, 05:14

Zombaholic wrote:I decided to appear on a national television dating show to try to go on a date with the opposite sex

This may have been a bad idea


Couldn't be anyworse when Mr. Bean went on the UK's Blind Date. Yes. It did actually happen.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 21 Jul 2016, 15:53

Zombaholic wrote:I decided to appear on a national television dating show to try to go on a date with the opposite sex

This may have been a bad idea

That sounds like it'll be a very interesting experience regardless of how it goes. If you're comfortable doing so, be sure to let us know when it's going to air! :)


And since I mentioned it here a couple days ago, thought I'd follow up: my girlfriend's brother's wedding went really well. It was a very, very long day getting set up for it, but the bride and groom were happy, my girlfriend and I had a lot of serious talk about how we'd like to do ours when the time comes (since we're both sure that it will), and I got to be a fancyboy with a nice vest. I'll probably post a picture in the thread for that once the official photos are out. 8)

But man am I sore and tired today.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Psyclone » 21 Jul 2016, 21:57

Zombaholic wrote:I decided to appear on a national television dating show to try to go on a date with the opposite sex

This may have been a bad idea


Woaaaaahh good luck! Even if it goes poorly, you'll have a (hopefully) funny story to tell your future met-through-normal-means-SO.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby It's My Delorean » 30 Jul 2016, 16:02

Okaym this can pretty much go into almost every big thread but I feel i't most at home here. Also hello, I haven't been on the forums or in the community for a while, but I recently started lurking again, but then today happened and I needed to get it out.

Basically, I've known this girl for ten years, since the start of High school. She's pretty cool and I like hanging out with her. I also had/have a huge crush on her. And she knew it. I know, I should've left at the first rejection, dropped it completely, and yes "No means No." I can't justify my stupid teenage actions, and I feel pretty guilty about them. And yet, the friendship was managed to be kept alive, though obviously a somewhat distant one. and it's not like I never had any boyfriends to contend with, that seemed to be not where she was in her life, though I figured it'd have to come up eventually.Over the last year or so though, with me having finally gotten my butt to university and her working there, Things seemed to be going pretty good. We'd meet semi-regularly for lunch and stuff, it was nice. It felt like things were getting somewhat back to the way they had been all those years ago. My feelings even seemed to be dissipating somewhat. Then she tells me she's still uncomfortable with it all, and doesn't understand my desire for a closer friendship. So I explain in am e-mail, about how I've felt like an outsider in the past, and only really connect with a few people and how she was one of those people. As well as how difficult it has been working through all this, but that I think I'm nearing a place I can move on.She responds addressing those issues, saying that she understands but that is not how friendship works for her, she has an 'avoidant' personality. Which is totally find. But then she tells me she actually DOES have a boyfriend, and has had one for a while. she met him 2 years ago, and they went out 6 months later.

My feelings were already in a period of flux and now they're all over the place. I'm feeling too many things and it's horrible and I guess I'm glad she found some one, but it's just such a conflict with where I thought things were, and where I thought she was. And 2 years she had this guy and hasn't told her friends? She says she feels guilty, and I'd partly like to assuage that guilt, but I really don't. That a pretty bi thing to keep from your friends. And it's not just me she kept it quiet from, it's all our old friends. I just. we were supposed to meet up as a group to greet a friend coming back into town, but clearly I can't do that. And I'm just not even sure what I'm feeling or what to do about this now. And I know there's jealousy there. Directed at him for being what I could not, jealousy at her for finding someone else first. Jelous she's most likely kissed someone else first. I'm just a confused mess right now and I dunno if I should rage, or just wander aimlessly through this kaleidoscope of emotions I'm feeling or maybe just let the sad take over or what.

It's one thing to think that you'll someday be in a place to be supportive of a friend you had feelings for when they embark on a relationship with someone else, but to know you've missed that chance by over a year and instead made a fool of yourself? That's harsh.

So yeah. That was my day, and I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. Thanks for listening.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 30 Jul 2016, 21:19

First off, welcome back, although I'm sorry it's under these sort of circumstances.

I'm not 100% clear on the timeline between the two of you, so apologies if I get some of this wrong. But from the sounds of it, you had pretty much dropped out of contact between high school and last year, yes?

I know what you're feeling right now is really awful. I know what it's like to be hung up on one person for years and envision all sorts of futures with them. And I know what it's like to be told that probably will never happen. It's tough to deal with that change when that's been your mindset for a long time, because you're so wrapped up in all those ideas and notions you've spent the past years fixated on. So you get this idea that the person you're interested in is the perfect person for you, and that they're the only one you'll ever connect to that way, or they're the only one who makes you feel that way.

The thing is, I think we also all know, even at that time, that it's not entirely true. It might make you feel guilty, or like you're "cheating" to imagine that you could have a future with someone else, because the idea seems so alien. And I think it's that kind of feeling that feeds into the jealousy you mentioned, that she's kissed someone else first or found someone who she feels is a closer fit. But I can also tell you do get this, that's it's not fair to hold it against her that she's making her own decisions. Obviously she's entitled to that.

Does that make it any easier for you to cope with the sense of rejection? Of course not, nobody likes to hear no. It sounds like you feel a bit betrayed, too, that she never mentioned her boyfriend in the past year since you reconnected, to you or your other old friends. Maybe it was because she knew how you felt and thought it'd hurt you or be awkward, or maybe she's just a private person. I don't know. But again, it's her relationship, her life, and she's entitled to make that choice.

It's often really tough to move past something like this, both for you in your personal life and for your friendship with her. I'm obviously an outsider, I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but it may be that you do, like you say, need a bit of time apart. Time for you to process your thoughts and feelings, and to consider where you go from here. Because there's still a lot of roads you can take, and this is by no means the end of any hope for your future. It seems huge now, but eventually this will just be a part of your past.

I think my best advice is to focus on introspection, to try to analyze what it was about her that made you feel the way you do. Because I found for myself, when I went through a similar experience, that was what helped me move on with my life. I realized that it wasn't this one girl I needed in my life, I was just SO into the idea of having a girlfriend. And I think a lot of people fall into that trap, and latch all those desires onto the most convenient person. For both of us it started in high school, when our social circles might've been more limited and we hung onto that fixation longer than we maybe should have.

So absolutely, work through these emotions, let yourself be sad, or angry, just please do it in a safe way. Vent here as much as you need, talk to other friends, just don't do anything dangerous, don't take out your anger on anyone, and don't tell her how you feel. That might be appropriate later, but while it's raw and fresh you'll just make her feel awful and make things more awkward and tougher to rebuild as just a friendship.

I know this probably feels like a huge, life-changing event. I know you probably feel sick. And I know the words of a stranger probably sound like a bunch of cliches that don't apply to you. But believe me, it will get better, your life will shift to a different track, and if or when you decide you want to, you'll find someone else you connect with even better, and who's thrilled to connect that way with you.


I don't know if any of that helps or makes sense, but we're here to talk any time you need to.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby It's My Delorean » 30 Jul 2016, 23:58

Thanks Jamfalcon.

Just to clear up, we had seen each other semi-regularly over the past years between now and high school at group get togethers and stuff. So it is a bit irksome it never came up. And our friendship just had this feeling of distance in it. But being able to hang out more the last year seemed to be making that go away, It felt like trust was being restored.

And I totally don't blame her for that awkward feeling in our friendship. I know it's my fault, and I feel intensely guilty for getting so far head over heels and being blinded by my own feelings. It's why I was so ecstatic that things seemed to be going so well. And despite the feelings I still had for her being there, I could feel them changing. I was comfortable with being friends with her more and more.They were in a moment of flux when she told me she'd had this boyfriend.

And suddenly it made some of those actions before my feelings began to change seem so foolishly stupid. She's having to contend with my obvious attraction while at the same time seeing someone else? Ugh.I wish she had told me then and there. And she gave NOT ONE SIGN that she had someone else to share affection with.

I still thought she was at that point in her life where she wasn't ready to date. and maybe cause I was so fixated on that future I saw, as you said Jamfalcon, but it seemed so unnatural to me for her to be even INTERESTED in anyone. It didn't seem to be who she was yet. I was utterly bewildered.

Instead my already confused feelings nose-dived into confusion for several hours.And unfortunately, being one to wear my heart on my sleeves at the time I essentially stream of consciousness'd those feelings right into my phone. To her. Blinded again by my own feelings. Not learning from my past mistakes.

But after walking for hours, and talking with some friends, i came out feeling a bitter disappointment. You see, I've had issues in the past with so-called friends keeping things from me and going behind my back, so I am very touchy when it comes to that and I told her this recently. I'm wondering if it's why she finally decided to tell me.

I know it's her life and who she chooses to tell about it is her choice. I still feel lied to, and by someone who, though I know shew was wary of me, I felt I could trust completely. She'd always been honest with me I thought. Normally I'd be angry, but again, this time I was more disappointed. Disappointed in her, because I know she's a person above secret keeping, and going against trust. i told her never to compromise the good in her, and that I hope her life was a good one, but I needed to not hang around her for at least the time being.

The hardest thing now is trying NOT to obsessively focus on mental images of her with someone else. you're right though, it does seem life-changing, for pretty much a decade she has been at least a small part of every thought or motivation to action I've had over the last decade. (Not to say I ever did anything solely because of her, but she was an element) And now I'm faced with this sudden paradigm shift, while also trying to contend with all those thoughts I'd had of here and use only with me being replaced. That can only lead somewhere not good.

And of course the other disappointment is just not having realized just how much damage I had done to our friendship, and that, the little bit that remained seemed to have just blown away in the wind. It's something I worked at to keep afloat and hopefully restore, but it was gone before I knew it.

And the jealousy, that partly stems from feeling that this guy she's seeing is everything I'm not. And he did what I could not; live up to her standards in her eyes. Even if he's a great guy, I don't know that I could ever not feel some enmity towards him. And she does not need a friend darkening her relationship like that. Maybe that's not how it'd be, but after ten years, I don't want to risk it.I just thought I'd have more time.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 31 Jul 2016, 01:30

It's late so I shouldn't make another big long reply, but that's all a lot clearer. I totally get what you mean about her being a small part of every motivation, when you feel that way, whether it's reciprocated or not, it's hard to forget about, hard not to keep that person in mind.

I think what you told her now is the right way to go for now, yeah. You need to untangle all those ideas and hypotheticals and spend some time just figuring out who you are without the influence of any other person. How long that takes varies a lot, I think, whether it's days, months, or years. But you'll get there, and one day, probably sooner than feels possible now, this will just be something that helped you grow as a person.

And until then, I think the best thing is to try not to focus on those ideas of the two of them, not to fret about what could've been, and think about the future. Even if you're not in the place you'd hoped, maybe on some level it's a relief? You can move on, stop having that wondering and anxiety hanging over you. No more wondering if she feels the same, if you should bring it up again, if she'll change her mind. You're entering a new chapter of your life with that weight off you shoulders.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby It's My Delorean » 01 Aug 2016, 14:14

Yeah, so I was actually feeling in a good place about the whole thing, and then it hit me. It's not that she kept this rather vital piece of information from me, when there were plenty of chances for it to have come up, it that she kept for so long. Instead of letting me deal with each new step as it came and acclimating to it, I suddenly have it all dumped on my lap? And she thinks I'm fine with that?

I have a bad history of people going behind my back in matters that may affect me, it's a bit of a trust issue. So when it happens I get defensive, and gry and look down on those involved. it may even bring up my deeply buried vindictiveness that only a few are able to dredge up. For a time, it felt like she had done. And I waned to be so angry and at least have her know the pain she caused. But I cant. I can't put her in the company of those others, despite the fact that it was a really awful thing she did by keeping that from me, I can't drop her in my despised people list. It feels wrong to want to be vindictive to her.

She said she still wanted to be friends, and a part of me really wants that too. just because she's always seemed like a great person. But I can't reconcile her behaviour in this matter with what I thought I knew of her. My feelings were shifting and in a moment of change and hen she drops this on my and throws those feelings to chaos. She feels guilty about some aspects of our friendship, though I feel the most responsible for the failings of our friendship, and ashamed, and I absolve her of that guilt she feels. But the turmoil she put me through the last few days is something I think she could have easily prevented, but didn't, and I want her to feel at least a little guilt about that. I can't forgive her. not just yet.Because I feel that honesty between two friends is not something that should require courage, it should be an obligation. Especially if it's a big deal.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 01 Aug 2016, 15:08

Delo, I can't comment on your full history with this lady, but I gotta say that it sounds to me like you're making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

You had feelings for this girl. She turned you down. You've struggled processing that stuff. All fair enough- I've done the same thing multiple times. During some time apart-ish, she got a boyfriend. She didn't tell you. She subsequently has, and you feel a bit left out. Again, natural enough to feel that way.

But I don't see this as being some massive betrayal of trust. I don't think it's massively dishonest that she didn't tell you she was dating someone. Does it really matter that much?

To pull an example from my own life; one of my friends split up from his girlfriend a couple of months back. The guy in question is one of my closest friends, and let's just say I've been heavily involved in their relationship from the start (arguably to my own detriment). I found out they'd split last week, through a casual browse of Facebook. I was surprised, I'll be honest, but... does it actually affect me that much? No, not really- my own insecurities about my singleness are my own problems to bear, and there's no point me comparing myself to him when we could be off playing D&D or having fun together.

Similarly, I don't think it's very fair of you to want to make her feel guilt. I know you've been feeling bad and that sucks balls, but we're all adults now. Making her feel worse ain't going to make you feel better, not really. It's just going to make your friendship go more sour. If you want my advice- just hug her close and explain that you're sorry you're feeling so cut up about this, but that she's still your friend and you wanna go on being... y'know, friendly. Doing friend things. All the POSITIVE parts of a friendship, not the bullshit drama.

Just my two cents, I guess
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 01 Aug 2016, 15:55

It's My Delorean wrote:Yeah, so I was actually feeling in a good place about the whole thing, and then it hit me. It's not that she kept this rather vital piece of information from me, when there were plenty of chances for it to have come up, it that she kept for so long. Instead of letting me deal with each new step as it came and acclimating to it, I suddenly have it all dumped on my lap? And she thinks I'm fine with that?

I have a bad history of people going behind my back in matters that may affect me, it's a bit of a trust issue. So when it happens I get defensive, and gry and look down on those involved. it may even bring up my deeply buried vindictiveness that only a few are able to dredge up. For a time, it felt like she had done. And I waned to be so angry and at least have her know the pain she caused. But I cant. I can't put her in the company of those others, despite the fact that it was a really awful thing she did by keeping that from me, I can't drop her in my despised people list. It feels wrong to want to be vindictive to her.

She said she still wanted to be friends, and a part of me really wants that too. just because she's always seemed like a great person. But I can't reconcile her behaviour in this matter with what I thought I knew of her. My feelings were shifting and in a moment of change and hen she drops this on my and throws those feelings to chaos. She feels guilty about some aspects of our friendship, though I feel the most responsible for the failings of our friendship, and ashamed, and I absolve her of that guilt she feels. But the turmoil she put me through the last few days is something I think she could have easily prevented, but didn't, and I want her to feel at least a little guilt about that. I can't forgive her. not just yet.Because I feel that honesty between two friends is not something that should require courage, it should be an obligation. Especially if it's a big deal.


This may sound harsh, but that sounds incredibly entitled to me. I'm sorry that you feel betrayed/left in the dark, but she has no reason to feel guilty about not telling you about her boyfriend. Some people simply don't like gushing about their relationships, or to use an example of my own experience, I've actively avoided speaking about my boyfriend to guys that I know have had/might still have feelings for me, because I worry that it might make things awkward/complicated.

In the end whether she has a relationship or not is her(and her possible significant other's) business alone, and she's under no obligation to part with that information to anyone.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby korvys » 01 Aug 2016, 16:31

I have a lot of thoughts here, but I'm trying to figure out the best way to say them.

You say you wanted to support her and be there for her when she was ready to be with someone else.
Well you did. She was with someone else, and you were there, and you gave her exactly the support she wanted from you. Because if she had wanted more, she would have asked.

Friendship is not a binary thing. It's not a matter of "now we're friends, I'll tell you everything about me". I have friends who I talk to about my relationships at a high level. I have other friends who get the details. I have other friends who might not even know I'm in a relationship.

That she didn't tell you something, something important, is not an indication that she was hiding things from you. It's that you misunderstood your friendship.

You thought it was the kind of friendship where she would tell you that.
It wasn't.

That's heartbreaking, and I feel for you, but that's not on her. And that you had to find that out while going through other turmoil is tragic, but that's not on her either. You misunderstanding your relationship is entirely on you. In fact, you even said "she's still uncomfortable with it all, and doesn't understand my desire for a closer friendship". She TOLD you she didn't want a close friendship. And yet it took her telling you she had a boyfriend to understand.



Here's where I'm going to speculate a bit.

My guess is that she didn't tell you about this guy when it started because she knew exactly how you're react. Which is to say, like this. That you'd be upset. And she didn't want that to happen. So she decides she's not going to tell you, and hopefully you'll sort out your feelings, and either understand when she does tell you, or maybe you won't be friends by that point and she won't have to. But then you explain all your feelings to her in an email, and she realises she can't put it off, and has to tell you now, or it's just going to get worse.

This all sucks. This is a terrible situation, and I feel for you. I really, really do. I lived with someone for a couple of years who I had a crush on, and spent a lot of time feeling bitter about her boyfriends, but years later (and after I matured a whole lot) she's still my best friend.

Again, you need to get it out of your head that she did anything wrong. Nothing about what you've told us says that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 01 Aug 2016, 19:01

I'm going to agree with the others here. Your expectations are not her obligations.

You projected things onto her that weren't true. It wasn't her betraying you. It was you being wrong, and that's not her fault. And it sucks for you, but she shouldn't be blamed for it. It's just unfortunate that it happened.

I'm sorry it turned out this way, and maybe it feels easier to blame her, so that you can move on or something, but it's not about blaming someone. Not her, and not yourself. You had a crush, it made you see things in a different way. Lots of us have been there. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself either.

It's just something that happened. Now you re-adjust your expectations, and that's difficult and sometimes painful, and it can take time, but eventually you'll feel better.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby It's My Delorean » 01 Aug 2016, 20:18

The worst part is I know you're all right. Before her I never thought I would be this type of guy. i can't even pinpoint what it is that got me so hung up on her. And I know it's super unfair on her. And yet, suddenly I become this irrational emotional mess whenever it comes to things dealing with her. I hate that this is the case, and am pretty ashamed of it. And there are all these thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head, and it's hard to find a balance.

After all this time I shouldn't be reacting like this. But I've had this stupid hangup for so long, I'm not even sure what I want. i suppose this time it is easier to just blame her because there's a definable action that I can point to that hurt me. Before it's all been super clear that all the issues were stemming from myself.

I hate that this is the type of person I am. the guy who over-reacts and over-blows everything, and yeah, even does start acting entitled against what I KNOW is acceptable behaviour I don't know why I act like that or what causes it and I hate that I don't.

And not even hours of hindsight later tells me that even if she told me at the time I'd still have issues with her being attracted to a guy, and having it dragged out over the course of a year and a half would have been just as bad especially since that last year was awful for other reasons.

With all these conflicting emotions swimming around my head it's just been had to figure out what I'm feeling from moment to moment and then, what even the source of those myriad feelings are. What it probably is is that I'm mad at myself for somehow acknowledging the possibility of her finding someone, yet not thinking it would happen. For not knowing despite having known her for ten years still thinking she's act a certain way when the moment arrived.

Maybe that's why I'm also disappointed. I like to think that I can empathize with people, understand them. But somehow I still don't account for who she actually is in how I think she'd react. Somehow she's this huge blind spot in my mind, and I worry about why that is. normally I'm not nearly so reactionary. Or one to second-guess myself into dumb courses of action.

i wanted her to know that I was hurt, but maybe I should've thought about why I was hurt.

And sad as it is, there's always been an element of envy in knowing that she seems so much more together than I've been, and that she's further along in her life and more mature while I'm still not at the same maturity level.

This hang up has several times over the years made me question my own thought processes, but it's only with this and maybe one or two other issues that I can't think about things rationally. Usually I'm much better at having so-called normal interactions with people. I've had crushes in the past I've not been this bad with.

I should have sorted through all these feelings long before now, I know this, but I don't know if I know how precisely.

What I'm doing and who I know, or think, that I am aren't matching up, and it's just awful how twisted up that is.

I dunno guys, I've had some (what felt like) minor attractions to others over the years while I've pined after her, not many, but they were never so intense as how I felt about her. And now I'm thinking that's probably a good things. Still what it is about her that digs into me the way it does I can't say. I guess I'll never really know.

All i know is that I have been and constantly have been really unfair to her and it's a dang miracle she still wants to be friends.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 02 Aug 2016, 04:54

At least you're aware, and receptive to feedback, and that's a great trait to have. Just give yourself some time. It's likely going to ache for a while, and what you feel is often not going to be logical, but I think you'll get through it. :)
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