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Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 10:39**

Misty wrote:AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, ON-TOPIC POSTS; THOUSANDS OF THEM!
(errr, at least just the one, to start out, anyway)

I was in a sort-of relationship for just over a year that was not entirely healthy for me (lots of me giving my whole self to him with little to no reciprocation) that I just ended. Surprisingly, no tears were shed... I think that says something profound about the situation in general, and how much I've grown up without realizing it. I love that now I can take a deep breath and not have to worry about someone outside of myself controlling how I feel with the slightest thing. It's pretty awesome. I know that I'll get those twinges of loneliness/missing him, but they'll be temporary. Now, I want to focus on myself. If someone comes along and wants to be with me, that's great, but I'm not going out of my way to seek anyone this time around. I'll let the guys come to me

Way to go. "Mr. Playa" didn't seem like your type anyway.

Alja-Markir wrote:Your problem is you're trying to produce relationship sublimation.

You want to jump from from the acquiantances phase directly to the significant others phase, skipping over the intermediary friends phase. Just as in physics, this is more difficult than going in sequence. For many situations, it is actually impossible.

Now, like in physics, there are certain materials that will readily sublime, but they require the right conditions. There are also some materials that typically will actually almost only sublime, never going through the intermediary phase. These are few in number, however, and their applications are specialized.

~Alja~

I disagree. I think it's harder to try and make friends first, because if the first impression you put in her head is "I'm your friend," it's likely that's all you're ever gonna be. It's sad, but true. The first few days, and especially the first impression, are everything.

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 12:16**

Why does everything have to be done purposefully in relationships these days? "Try and make friends", "looking for a girlfriend", et cetera.

*rolls eyes and grins*

None of my friends had to actively try to become my friend. We just grew together organically. My dear lass never went out of her way to "win" my heart, I merely realized eventually that I had given it over to her without ever consciously thinking about it.

First impressions are influential, but they are terribly imprecise and easily changed. Many of my best friends are people I wasn't terribly sure about during my first few encounters with them. One of them drove me insane, we fought all the time, and now we're so close I consider her my adopted sister.

And Wraith, shouldn't you and Siobhan, of all people, know about first impressions?

*winks*

~Alja~

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 14:14**

Wraith was never in my friend zone.

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 14:45**

My point wasn't that he didn't undergo sublimation himself, but rather that his argument about first impressions had more nuances than he addressed.

*wags finger*

~Alja~

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 14:57**

TheRocketSiobhan wrote:Wraith was never in my friend zone.

I think this says a lot about relationships right here. That 2 people who didn't get along are more likely to get together than 2 people who are friendly with each other, because one doesn't lead to a friend zone, and the other does.

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 15:10**

Listen; it's not one or the other. People need to stop applying maxims and absolutes to relationships. Sometimes, people become friends first and then move into a romantic relationship. Such is the case with myself and my wife. Other times, it begins as a romantic relationship and keeps going. There's no absolutes.

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 15:24**

"There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute."

Posted: **12 Nov 2010, 17:04**

the only absolute truth is that there are no absolute truths

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 17:44**

Yes, you still have a chance at a relationship blossoming if you first become good friends with no romantic feelings or intentions - but your chances are very slim. Doesn't mean it can't happen, just means it most likely won't.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 17:59**

I guess it depends what you mean by 'no' romantic feelings. I think a lot of people have friendships that contain some level of attraction that isn't acted on.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 18:08**

But that's where the problem is... The 'friend zone' is void of such feelings. At least for me. And every girl I know. That's why it's the friend zone because we cannot see ourselves in a romantic relationship with you.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 18:13**

Maybe it's a guy/girl thing.

It's true that when my wife and I were friends she quietly harbored a big crush on me.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 18:32**

That's the difference between friends and the friend-zone, from a female perspective. Very well put Siobhan.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 18:58**

Friends and "friend-zone"...

Interesting, an entirely female construction.

Posted: **13 Nov 2010, 22:57**

metcarfre wrote:Listen; it's not one or the other. People need to stop applying maxims and absolutes to relationships. Sometimes, people become friends first and then move into a romantic relationship. Such is the case with myself and my wife. Other times, it begins as a romantic relationship and keeps going. There's no absolutes.

This.

I was friends with my girlfriend for quite a while before we started dating.

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 01:47**

Friends don't put friends in zones (or boxes). Just saying.

It's a lot like saying you don't expect a person to ever change. There are TONS of people I don't think I'd be compatible with, but I'd likely give them a shot if they wanted to see if something worked.

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 08:48**

Yes Met is right, it is mostly a girl thing. I know a few guys who do it too, but it's mostly girls.

Tom, that's nice, but that means that your girlfriend didn't have you in the friend zone. Also, like I said earlier, it has nothing to do with BEING FRIENDS before dating. The friend zone is where a girl puts you if she sees no romantic feelings for you developing. Not now, not ever - friend zone.

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 08:56**

I think maybe it's a difference of linguistic terms and bounds?

For myself, and a lot of guys and gals alike that I know, it would be almost presumptuous to think of a person we'd recently met as anything but a "friend", even if it's obvious that there is strong mutual interest. And even if two such people do end up as more, they still consider each other friends.

Whereas from (my impressions of) Siobhan's and others' side of the equation, it seems to be the default is interest of any sort in someone makes them 'more' than a "friend". Thus, friends are strictly platonic.

It strikes me as just a personal preference of terminology.

~Alja~

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 08:59**

It very well could be. That's why I was trying to explin it a bit better, but maybe I'm not doing a good job.

Either way, if you like a person don't WORRY about where you are in her head.. pursue her like you would any other crush and maybe she will start seeing you as more than a friend.

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 13:39**

I have quite a significant friends-zone - every male friend I have is in it.

I'm not sure how this contributes to the discussion

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 17:05**

I totally chickened out earlier when I had... oh God, several oppertunities.. to tell the girl I mentioned before about my attraction to and feelings for her.

The coward in me wants her to find out some other way.. but I'll try and many up tomorrow when we talk again.

I could trot out the excuse that I don't know for anything like certain that she's interested back, but... there's really only one way to find out and I know it. I've never been any good at this kind of thing. >.<

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 17:16**

An effective technique. Tell her that she's pretty.

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 18:11**

"But for to assaye," he seyde, "it nought ne greveth;
For he that nought nassayeth, nought nacheveth." - Geoffrey Chaucer, Troilus and Criseyde

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretsky

"To win without risk is to triumph without glory." - Pierre Corneille

"A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for." - Grace Murray Hopper

Posted: **14 Nov 2010, 22:18**

TheRocketSiobhan wrote:The friend zone is where a girl puts you if she sees no romantic feelings for you developing. Not now, not ever - friend zone.

I don't about other guys, but that's definitely a category I have for people.

Posted: **15 Nov 2010, 12:42**

Ok, so I.. just did something that was kinda brave but not particularly. I sent a message describing how i felt to a place where i cannot now take it back from, and where she'll see it next time she's online, and when we're both there together it'll almost certainly be the first thing we talk about. Maybe I should have waited untill she was online too and I could say it "to her face" but I'm certain I wouldn't have been brave enough to do that.

Part of what's making me so hesitant is how well I think we'd do if she felt the same way, not knowing how she feels about me, and being certain that we're pretty damn compatible... Still doesn't excuse my reticence, though.

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