NON SEQUITURS

[epocalypse]

Oh hi, I didn't see you there. Because I was typing, and a text entry box is not, was not and will never be a successful avenue for glancing upon the lives and activities of others. So, as you can now see, I was in a woefully inadequate position to see you there in the first place, which has only been exceeded (though by several million fold) by all concurrent wars, the earthquakes in Haiti, and the current economic strife in the world (figures obviously taken from the Holmsian Scale of Recent Memory Tragedy). So, although I remain humbled by my inability to have seen you there, all I can say is that the task was beyond my means at this time, just as it is beyond the means of a single squirrel to fly and operate the weaponry of AH-64 Apache helicopter at the same time, which is why during the numerous such recorded incidents of said events, the squirrel was always conclusively proved to have been acting with friends.

So this thread is, of course, being created to talk about my recent initiation in to the show Lost; of which I am now currently slightly more than halfway through the first season, thanks to the slanderous and evil internet entity known as Hulu, which I know is evil for it's lack of appropriate worship to my Canadian, Europeian, and non USAian bretherian. However, I have learned to use such evils to my advantages; something I have yet to do, but plan to do in the near future, with fruit flies. Which brings us back to the theory I have developed as an explanation of all the events in Lost. Now, given, I have only watched a very limited amount of the show's first season, and started developing this theory as an explanation for the events of Heroes season one (in of it self a large part of the reason I wasn't watching Lost, as it was to troublesome to try to follow both loopiedoodle looney toonie phibetaalpha crazy continuities at the same time); but I am fairly sure that, unless there are further unexpected twists having to do with these "Other" folks who have recently appeared, there is no other tangible explanation for the events that have occurred. My theory is this: The smoke monster is the mere conduit for the true master minds of all events that have and will happen in the show: The family of the Polar Bear that Sawyer shot. Now, we can already see how this theory makes more sense for Lost than for Heroes, as at the time I made the theory for Heroes even I had trouble explaining why the smoke monster had been transformed into an Japanese nerd (or otaku, as they call them) and his thin friend, and why the polar bear had become a petite immortal blond girl. More importantly, it didn't even make sense that there would be a need to seek revenge for the polar bear, now that the polar bear was alive in a town which I can only assume was either in Texas or the Ukraine. More importantly, there was also nearly zero implication that these people had previously been a polar bear and smoke monster. Needless to say, when I started watching Lost earlier this month, I was happy to discover the error in my previous theory.

Now my theory is based on one key historical fact that, I realize, we have all been over time and time again, and I can assume was very near and dear to J.J. Abrams' hearts when he wrote all episodes of Lost word for word and placed them in a time capsule in 1845, to be opened by his similarly named reincarnation when the production values of the yet to be invented medium of Television reached a point where they could successfully produce the program without trading away suspension of disbelief or needing to sacrifice copious numbers of eagles to the anti-lord Atheos, his nonexistent glory reign upon us all. This also explains why in early drafts of the show, J.J. Abrams referred to the medium as "Magic Shoebox Theater". This fact, of course, is that polar bears, in the well recorded 1943 Time Treaty of Zurich, agreed to exchange with Albert Einstein (the Physicist, not the comedian more well known by the last name "Brooks", with whom they only made a treaty several decades later) the ability to remove all melanin from one's hair (deemed synonymous with "fur" and "fuzzieness" in said treaty) for the ability to fully master space, time and the realms of telesmokesis, as long as the Polar Bears (regarded in the treaty as "The Surrendering" for reasons which remain hotly debated in historical and Arctic Biological circles to this day) reserved all use of said skills to a single island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. So, in short, Lost is a docudrama about these polar bears.

So... Checkmate, Abrams.
Check.
mate.

Your thoughts?

[Master Gunner]

Is it just me, or has the forum gotten a lot more existential lately? It's like a third Ostrich Egg/Fourth Bagel sandwich in here.

[epocalypse]

That reminds me, the daily show had some kick ass coverage of Obama's state of the Union on Wednesday of this week. They basically translated the whole thing to "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck me, fuck you, and I know that if we all just try we can do this thing. Go Team!"

[Theremin]

I have but one word with which I must talk, some metaphorical shoes in which to walk.
Spanners.

[Myrph]

If by which you were trying to reference was that which was mentioned previously in a sense where its own quantum self-referential nature was called into question such that it would cause itself to question itself in and out of existence before finally realising that which it was doing was in fact the cause of its existence and had it not questioned itself, it wouldn't have existed to question itself in the first place, then I do believe the answer to your question, Bob, is in fact a green puff of logic.

Elsewhile, the results of this evenings football match have just been handed to me.
Real Madrid - 2, Surreal Madrid - ><)))*>

[Theremin]

In other news naughty bits drooped sharply afer a scolding. Bob?

[iamafish]

I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE MY BIIIIIIIIKE
I WANT TO RIDE MY BYCYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE IT WHERE I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE

[WBAGNR]

The eyes see and know all.

[elvor]

This is nine! Nine! This is nine! Nine! This is ten! Ten! We have killed your friends! Every friend is now dead! This is six! Six!

[WickedBoy6]

Personally, I use a nice cheddar over the disgusting oily American cheese for my sandwiches. Some people use butter for the grilling, but I've been taught to "butter" the bread with mayonnaise for grilled cheese. It gives it a lighter color and a different flavor to the crisp of the bread.

[Myrph]

Mornington Crescent!

[WBAGNR]

But you came in on a diagonal! And you're aren't allowed to do that! Not even if you're a beginner!

[Alja-Markir]

Lavos.

~Alja~

[Lord Chrusher]

Due to the age metallicity degeneracy colours can not be used to tell if the red and blue populations of globular clusters differ in ages or in composition. For unresolved clusters spectroscopy is the only way to date a cluster or to identify its chemical composition.

[theDreamer]

...I think you guys have officially managed to break my brain.

[Master Gunner]

I think I almost understand Lord Chrusher. Not entirely though, and he may just be messing with us.

[Lord Chrusher]

I am not messing with you although I did just notice some faulty parallelism.

[Master Gunner]

What's with everybody's sudden obsession with parallelism? I didn't even know that it was a grammatical term/rule until Tim mentioned it yesterday.

[iamafish]

“The more care he bestows upon the happiness of others the wiser and better he is, and the fewer mistakes he will make between good and evil; but never allow and blind preference founded merely on personal predilection or unfair prejudices. Why should he harm one to serve another? What does it matter to him who has the greater share of happiness, providing he promotes the happiness of all? Apart from self-interest, this care for the general wellbeing is the first concern of the wise man, for each of us forms part of the human race and not part of any individual member of that race. To prevent pity from degenerating into weakness we must generalise it and extend it to mankind. Then we yield to is only when it is in accordance with justice, since justice is of all the virtues that which contributes most to the common good. Reason and self-love compel us to love mankind even more than our neighbour and to pity the wicked is to be very cruel to mankind.”

[Arius]

If it weren't for my horse...

[Myrph]

I shall use Cartesian Dualism to separate my mind from my body!

[epocalypse]

Look, all I'm saying is that it's pretty weird that while cave fish have evolved to have no eyes, some deep sea fish just have useless blind eyes for a similarly dark environment. It does make it pretty obvious that they are not in the same family, but still, seeing as eyes are a weak point, wouldn't the deep sea fish have better survived with out them, as the cave fish do? Mendel probably didn't think about any of this shit when he was looking at pea plants, but it makes one wonder if we could become intelligent designers late to the game by altering animals RNA to activate or deactivate certain strengthening latent or weakening dominant traits before reintroducing them into the environment. Just think, our own new suporganisms, because really, what's the point with out a little god role playing?

Then, if we had a time machine, we could totally fuck with everyone by hiding a message in the DNA of many organisms that spells out "Darwin Pwns, Bitches." Be sure to note the comma though, because as the rational minded people we are we want Darwin's uncouth habit of bitch-pwning to remain inconspicuous to the common man, so not as the sully the man's important theories.

[Doctor Insanovic]

It was a hot afternoon, one Sunday night in October, when I was confronted by a riddle posed to me by a strange character who looked something in appearance like Sean Connery's adoptive grandson.

"Riddle me this:" he said "When is a door not a door?"

This was quite obvious in my mind. "When it transforms into a grilled cheese sandwich"

With that the man proceeded to punch me in the face, saying "Stay the hell away from my wife!"

[Master Gunner]

My legs are covered in what look like a thousand tiny needle marks, and I have no idea how they got there. True story.

[epocalypse]

Deductive reasoning may only be explained by using deductive reasoning, but be warned, knowing this fact might lead to the writing of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Also, I find Parmesan is a great accent, but, due to its grainy texture, may not be used as a base in the most superb of grilled cheeses.