The Mixed Emotion Thread

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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Omega Lairon » 08 Mar 2016, 00:37

Well, looks like the gravy train finally derailed. No more freelance/casual work-at-home gigs for me for the forseeable future, which means I'm going to miss approximately all of LRR streams going forward. The upshot is that now I should be getting a much more sustainable income, and the steady flow of things to do during the day to keep me focused and productive.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby fantôme » 12 Mar 2016, 08:52

Anti-racism rally in town today, the crowd was huge and very chill, the speakers were passionate and said some very important things.

Then the police decided to show up and start acting like fascist thugs, being really aggressive towards the demonstrators for no good reason. Things looked like they were starting to kick off, and I just left because I'm sick and tired of the police doing this every single time.

Britain: you're awful and you're awesome.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 24 Mar 2016, 03:25

I have enrolled on to a 120 hour Online Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

Excited because I think this is what I am being called towards.
Nervous because it could be life changing, and sooner than perhaps I am ready.

Grammarly (a more pedantic Google Spellchecker Chrome extension) still flares my typing up as being bad. So, let's see how critical that will be when I am trying to none-hypocritically teach people how to English.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby JustAName » 24 Mar 2016, 05:19

I had thought my graduation was in August. Parents were pressuring me for a date so they could book plane tickets. I hear back that it's actually probably going to be at the start of December (still no date yet). Mom writes back:

So… Should [stepdad] and I plan a trip to see you earlier? I don’t want to go more than a year without seeing you :/

Let’s Skype soon, yeah? Miss you, [Fay]!

-- mom


How do I even respond to this? "I don't want to see you as frequently as you see me"? "Let me have some space please how far away do I have to move"? "Why do you keep doing this to the both of us"?

I want two years free of her. Two years without the anxiety that she'll find some new ways to guilt trip me, or just fall back on her old favourites of my high school grades and how little I obviously care for her. I'm 23. Aren't I supposed to be getting a little leeway about now? I do love her, but I would like her a lot more if she'd respect my feelings. But it is always, always, always about her.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 24 Mar 2016, 16:36

Watching Ice Hockey now and noticed it is the first time I've smiled in a long time.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby auberginequeen » 31 Mar 2016, 21:28

Anxiety + paranoia = being genuinely afraid of opening the curtain because you think there might be a sniper hidden on the other side of the street. In rural Ontario. But what if there is? What if there's a bead on your forehead right now?

Also not wanting to be seen by your bf's parents whom you've known for 3 years for fear that they'll suddenly hate you for some stupid thing you did or didn't do.

Also not wanting anyone to touch you out of fear they might have a knife and might stab you. Or strangle you. Or force you to do something you don't want to do. A hand around the back of your neck. You will do what I say.

Whee?

How can I trust psychological assessments when I know psychology? I know the pathology for each disorder. How can I trust my brain to be honest? I could fill it out in what I believe to be earnest and be diagnosed with psychopathy or depression or ADHD because I know the pathology. Who's to say what is and what isn't? Who or what am I, really? If I think I'm answering them correctly but I'm subconsciously attempting to diagnose myself with something that I hope would explain away all my problems...

I think I'm going crazy.

Or maybe my worst fear is that I'm not crazy and we're just supposed to feel like this. Until we're dead. Trapped in the human condition.

I hate that whenever I post I sound like a 14-year-old otherkin or something, like I want attention. Like I want to be "special." The truth is I have the ever-present urge to hide from everything and everyone and to go unnoticed. To be noticed is painful, like in a video game where you're trying to sneak, but an enemy notices you and you panic. Or that moment in a horror film when everything's all-too-quiet before the jump scare. That's what it's like to leave the house and interact with people. Like one wrong move and it's all over. Yet at the same time I sometimes hope someone will read these and understand what I mean, or meant, as the case may be. I am still human and still have those infernal human urges to connect with others, even if I wish I didn't.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 01 Apr 2016, 00:17

auberginequeen wrote:Yet at the same time I sometimes hope someone will read these and understand what I mean, or meant, as the case may be.[/size]

First off, *hugs*

Second, I do read all of these things you post, and I can totally empathise with your position. I get that paranoia, and while I don't have advice, and I don't think this is how everyone lives all the time, you're certainly not alone. I live in the middle of nowhere, and I sometimes have to avoid looking at an uncurtained, ground floor window at night because my brain is sure that if I do, a face will show up or something. And socially, I may not have the same hesitations as you, but I have other ones. Just today, it took me ten minutes to psyche myself up to make a call to my dentist about a simple billing thing. The call took less than two minutes, but I had myself convinced I'd somehow say something and mess it up or make them think I was completely incompetent. I know I sounded fine when I made the call, but I had a bit of a shake in my hand by the time I hung up.

I know you've had the whole medication discussion on here before, and I feel like maybe you've talked about going to some form of therapy (sorry if my memory is failing me, it's late), so I won't try to suggest any solution, because I don't know what it is, and you clearly know the options out there. But I can tell you that you're not alone by any means, and you're not crazy. Wherever these feelings are coming from, there will be a way to overcome them, and it's just a matter of finding the one that works for you.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby auberginequeen » 01 Apr 2016, 10:35

Thanks for your post, Jam. Sometimes when I mention these things to people I know IRL they don't get it and I worry it's just me. I'm glad someone else understands. <3 *internet hugs*
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 01 Apr 2016, 11:04

I'm glad my weirdnesses can be helpful! :P And feel free to talk to me if you're ever needing more assurance that you're not alone. *Hugs*
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 05 Apr 2016, 14:12

Not being a homophobic or misogynistic arse hole makes you infinitely more employable.

Had a job interview today at a small local shop. Their last few shop assistance had to be fired because they found it challenging... wait, let's not sanitize it. They were intolerant of being told what to do by two men who are gay and a woman.

So yes. My life mantra of "don't be a dick to anyone" is paying off.

Tragic that there are still people who are like this. Utterly depressing that they live near me. I thought bigots existed only on the internets and only in Cities.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 06 Apr 2016, 11:52

Historically, precisely the opposite is true; cities tend to be breeding grounds of tolerance (and also appalling acts of discriminatory violence, for much the same reasons) whilst the outskirts & countryside tend to hold onto more 'old-fashioned' values. A friend of mine's parents run a pub in what he describes as the most racist town in a world- the pub's regular's still apparently make "should go back to their own country"-style comments.

Bigots are everywhere. They may never die. But the numbers don't lie- their numbers are reducing steadily across all fields of prejudice. Until then, we fight the good fight.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby auberginequeen » 13 Apr 2016, 18:20

I've gradually been gaming less and reading more... I never used to read for fun (fiction, anyway, I used to hate fiction on the basis of "it's not real, so who cares?"). Now I like it though, and I look forward to doing it. Maybe I just don't like having to do stuff in a story anymore. Hard to be angry when the outcome is inevitable, right? I also like having the choice to be somewhere else if I don't want to be right where I am at the moment.

Also I bought an e-reader. I like it a lot. It's so cute and convenient and doesn't hurt my wrists like trying to hold all 1200ish pages of A Storm of Swords in one hand while eating lunch.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby MinniChi » 14 Apr 2016, 05:29

auberginequeen wrote:I've gradually been gaming less and reading more... I never used to read for fun (fiction, anyway, I used to hate fiction on the basis of "it's not real, so who cares?"). Now I like it though, and I look forward to doing it. Maybe I just don't like having to do stuff in a story anymore. Hard to be angry when the outcome is inevitable, right? I also like having the choice to be somewhere else if I don't want to be right where I am at the moment.

Also I bought an e-reader. I like it a lot. It's so cute and convenient and doesn't hurt my wrists like trying to hold all 1200ish pages of A Storm of Swords in one hand while eating lunch.


Very little beats reading a physical book, but what does is holding 800 books in one hand while eating, traveling, etc. Also if you have a back-lit one, you don't need extra lights when it gets dark out. Makes reading in bed much better. If you like fiction books, I have a bunch of e-books I can send you.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 14 Apr 2016, 16:19

I prefer physical books for two reasons.

1. The dead tree format never becomes incompatible.

2. Physical books can be signed by the author.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby auberginequeen » 14 Apr 2016, 17:42

To be honest, I'm running out of space. I guess I should frequent the library more but I take forever to get through books so their time limit usually deters me. My parents' house (where I'm moving back to in 2 weeks) is already full of wall-to-wall shelves filled 3-layers deep + stacks along bedsides. My cousins joke that our house is a library.

My parents also have ereaders so who knows the plethora of digital content they also have squirreled away...

MinniChi: Thanks for the offer, I'd love to have anything you're willing to send me. :)
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby JustAName » 15 Apr 2016, 10:31

Came across an article about gaslighting. I've known for the past couple of years that my mom gaslight me throughout my childhood, probably without realising it, but it's really hard to read about it and see the effects so clearly.

I didn't know forgetting like that wasn't normal.

But what could I do when everything I said to her was obviously meant to make her upset, and I was cruel and heartless? What could I do when she wouldn't allow me, even in high school, to go to bed until the argument had been resolved to her satisfaction? So we'd argue late into the night until I capitulated because I was tired, and I'd say whatever she wanted me to say. And then my grades would suffer because I was tired, and she'd be upset about my grades.

And I can't really cut her out of my life. I don't know how to, I don't know if it's justified, and I just...

Ugh.

I'm glad I read it. I think. But I'm tired and sad thinking about all of this again.
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Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby MinniChi » 19 Apr 2016, 10:51

I just lost my job. I knew I wasn't going to have a job during the summer because the residence shuts down. Today I was told they won't be able to bring me back. Now I have to decide if I want to stay home with the kids as I was planning to, or look for work right away.
The only good thing is my superpower is to find/get work. I should be okay if/when I decide to go back to work.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 19 Apr 2016, 11:51

Sorry to hear that.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 19 May 2016, 08:09

Just candled my dragon eggs. There are tails moving in all the eggs. Phoned my mother to let her know (whole family are excited for them to hatch).
"Congratualtions Jude, you're a father now."
And that made quite sad now, that this seems to be the only way it will happen; breading eggs.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby MinniChi » 19 May 2016, 10:10

Elomin Sha wrote:Sorry to hear that.


It's not too bad as I got to spend 2 weeks with the children. I did find a new job already so it is good. It's an interesting one as the corporate office is based in Vancouver, the call centre is mostly based in Toronto (some in Vancouver I think) and most of our business comes from the US. Ever hear of 1-800-GOT-JUNK? I work for their sister company now.

Elomin Sha wrote: breading eggs.


Did you mean Breeding?
Also I think it is awesome you have dragons. How many?
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby MinniChi » 19 May 2016, 10:19

Fayili wrote:Came across an article about gaslighting. I've known for the past couple of years that my mom gaslight me throughout my childhood, probably without realising it, but it's really hard to read about it and see the effects so clearly.

I didn't know forgetting like that wasn't normal.

But what could I do when everything I said to her was obviously meant to make her upset, and I was cruel and heartless? What could I do when she wouldn't allow me, even in high school, to go to bed until the argument had been resolved to her satisfaction? So we'd argue late into the night until I capitulated because I was tired, and I'd say whatever she wanted me to say. And then my grades would suffer because I was tired, and she'd be upset about my grades.

And I can't really cut her out of my life. I don't know how to, I don't know if it's justified, and I just...

Ugh.

I'm glad I read it. I think. But I'm tired and sad thinking about all of this again.


I will say this, cutting your mom or any parent out of your life is a big step, and if you choose to, own it. There are many people who will tell you that you shouldn't hate/dislike/cut out your parent. These people are wrong. Sometimes it is the best thing for you emotional and mental wellbeing. DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD for giving yourself a chance at happiness.

I cut my mother out of my life when she tried to guilt me into loving her and involving her in my life. She then tried to guilt me into inviting her to my wedding. Best thing I ever did for my emotional health.


Also, thank you for that article. It makes me think more about my childhood memories or lack thereof.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 19 May 2016, 11:32

Also breading, nothing beats a good lizard on a stick as a snack. My fingers move too fast on this keyboard for some reason and I make mistakes.

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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Mums » 22 May 2016, 14:49

I just submitted my master thesis. I'm so happy, but at the same time terrified...
Oh god...
Sit down. Get ready. Sit down again!

The perfectly lying, lying bastad!
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 22 May 2016, 15:20

If my Masters Thesis of a video game design document worked in an English class you will have no problem.
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Re: The Mixed Emotion Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 22 May 2016, 23:56

Having mixed feelings when you submit is quite natural. I did when I submitted my PhD thesis.
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