So I decided to parody a popular song *first revision*

[dfcrackhead]

So I heard the song "Halo" by Beyonce for the first time a couple nights ago and thought it was okay, it wasn't great, but not bad. The next day I'm in the shower and it pops into my head and refuses to leave, so my nerdy self thinks "Hmm.... Halo sounds kinda like Payload..." and about 2 seconds later I thought "FUCK!! Now I have to do it or the idea will never leave my head and will taunt me until the song becomes irrelevant" so I sat down and wrote a TF2 themed parody to Beyonce's "Halo" and entitled it: "Payload". Here is the first draft, tell me what you think. I am not even pretending to be a songwriter so any criticism is appreciated.

Oh if you haven't heard the song, go on youtube and check it out real quick, it won't make your ears bleed.

Remember that sentry he built
Well dammit it’s been taken down
and it didn’t even put up a fight
It couldn’t even fire a round

Spies found a way to let you in
But I never really stood a chance
Standing in the path of your payload
I think I shit my pants.

It’s like the game is hating
Every tactic I tried using
I’m thinking about hacking
I ain’t never gonna get a kill

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your teammates
Dammit I can see your payload
I know you’re nearing the base

You’re everything I fear and more
My blood is all over the place
Dammit I can’t stop your payload
Pray it won’t detonate

I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)
I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)

Shot me with a minigun
Blasting through my red flame suit
You’re the only one I can’t stop
I’m dominated by this brute.

I swore I’d never fail again
But this don’t even feel like failing
Server should just forget
To respawn me back in-game again

It’s like the game is hating
Every tactic I tried using
I’m thinking about hacking
I ain’t never gonna get a kill

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your teammates
Dammit I can see your payload
I know you’re nearing the base

I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)
I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)

I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)
I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)
Payload, payload

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your teammates
Dammit I can see your payload
I know you’re nearing the base

You’re everything I fear and more
My blood is all over the place
Dammit I can’t stop your payload
Pray it won’t detonate

I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)
I can see your (payload x3)
I can’t stop your (payload x3)


Going by Tak's suggestions(even though I did not use any of the changes he suggested, thanks anyway dude) I found some of the lines were kind of off, so the above is the revised copy, hopefully error-free and still flowing just as well.

[Vigafre]

That's actually really pretty good. Flows quite well. Thumbs up.

[dfcrackhead]

Why thank you Vigafre, if it turns out this version is actually not shit, I shall then begin trying to find a female who could sing Beyonce-like and maybe even make a video in G-Mod

[King Kool]

Have you heard "My, My, That Engie's A Spy"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ZrMI7fMFA

[dfcrackhead]

Lol King, no I hadn't, thats pretty damn awesome

EDIT: Listened to the whole song that King posted... Kinda gets a little out there after awhile and it bothers me that he declares that he will get the spy, after ragequitting the server... Kinda think it would make more sense if instead of saying "Soon I'm gonna get that darn spy" he said something like "I wish I could've caught that darn spy"... Maybe I'm just nitpicking because I didn't think of it first, who knows.

[dfcrackhead]

Wow, it's kind of strange, both here and on the escapist I got two replies before the thread died, although I did have to revive it once on the escapist before I even got the two replies...

[gcninja]

Have you heard "My, My, That Engie's A Spy"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ZrMI7fMFA

You can't rhyme own with pwn, they have the same root word!

[tak197]

There's only a few changes I'd make, because of meter. So you know, - means unstressed and / means stressed.

"Remember those walls I built" = {-/-//-/}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Remember those sentries he built' is one too many syllables, so I'd change it to "You know those sentries he built?"

"You know you're my saving grace" = {-/-//-/}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Again, 'I know you're approaching my base' is one too many syllables, so I change it to "Now you're approaching my base."

"To pull me back to the ground again" = {-/-//-/-/}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This time, you're one syllable too short with 'To respawn me ever again'. So I'd change it to "Respawn me into the game again" or "Respawn me back to the base again".

[dfcrackhead]

Thanks Tak, I like the first two suggestions, but for the third one, none of them quite feel right for me, but I do see the problem and I'm gonna try and fix it, thanks for catching it. Normally I was more careful about syllable count. I knew the sentries line was off, but I didn't quite know how to change it to make it fit and I didn't even notice the approaching line was off, it was one of those I thought of before I started writing so I just wrote it down assuming it would fit. As for the respawn line I was fairly certain it worked, but I must have miscounted. thanks again

[tak197]

Usually, it's easier to stress and unstress two single syllable words than to adjust a two-syllable word to the stress pattern. It's kinda the same reason that so many of the "-ed" words in sonnets were accented on the "e". It forced the "-ed" to become a separate syllable as opposed to part of the preceding syllable.

[dfcrackhead]

I'll agree with you, but I don't know what that really even means dude, I don't know anything about music or poetry in the slightest, this is the second parody I've done, and the first was done hastily in anger.

[King Kool]

Have you heard "My, My, That Engie's A Spy"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ZrMI7fMFA

You can't rhyme own with pwn, they have the same root word!

I think it's fair when he's not using "own" in the "pwn" sense. He's using it in the "on my own" sense.

[dfcrackhead]

Bump since I revised the lyrics.

[zaddra]

Have you heard "My, My, That Engie's A Spy"?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ZrMI7fMFA

You can't rhyme own with pwn, they have the same root word!

Actually in English the easiest rhyme to make is to rhyme a word with itself or a word of the same root. Poets do it all the time.

OT: If you could make a video of this I want a copy of it.