A request

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A request

Postby Rhynome » 15 Jun 2011, 10:36

And not, this time, from a Nigerian prince.

Now, I don't bob along here very often; I do read a bit, but next to never post, so I'm probably rather unfamiliar to the lot of you.

Which I have to say makes this a perfect opportunity if you don't all mind my being so bold.

I don't plan on pursuing a great career as a writer, nor do I think that even if I did it'd be likely to happen, but I would quite appreciate it if a few of you could give some rather honest feedback on the following. I know it's only a short segment (very short, in fact) and so difficult to address writing style, etc. But I would like to know what you lot think nonetheless. I'd like to see what needs addressing re style of writing, content, etc.

Just for note: This is the only forum I'm doing this on, for the reason above that most of you won't know me, but also because I know LRR attracts a rather, dare I say, well mannered and agreeable crowd and so I may actually serve as a genuine curiousity to you and pique some interests around here.

Otherwise you can tell me to stfu and gtfo all you want roflolz.

The following is to be read as a radio play.
David Price - mid 30s, middle management type fellow. [Softly] is a sort of internal monologue, [aloud] means so that other people hear him.
Jane Price - his wife, grounded type of lady.
Estate Agent - a bit of a jobsworth (if that words registers with you), thinks he's a bit sly... well, he's an estate agent. Realtor maybe to some of you?

[Bathroom, shower is running]

[David Price, softly]
Before the battle of Thermopylae a Persian scout reported to a bemused or astounded Xerxes that the men of Lacedaemonia were partaking in light exercise and combing their hair as preparation to battle.
Just like the Spartans, the Celts and the Samurai before him he readies himself for battle. Applying the ritual salves before meeting his foe in the field.

[Jane Price, from the bedroom]
"What's that, darling? You said something about Samurai!"

[David, aloud, to be heard in next room]
No, no, nothing; I'm just, uh, preparing what I'm going to say to the estate agent.

[David, again softly]
All the great chess masters know their opponents' next moves, all the great fencing maestros the riposte that follows the parry. You must assume the enemy knows your strategy and strike the balance between secrecy and a full frontal assault. You must decide which cards to play close to your chest, and when to let slip ALL the dogs of war.

"Are you going to tell him we've been to the Citizen's Advice Bureau?"

[David, aloud]
I don't know! I'll have to think about it.

"And you're not using my shampoo, are you?"

[David, again softly]
Collateral damage.

[Intermittent silence]

[David, softly]
His armoury lies bare before him. The great bow of Warwick, used to slay the two headed beast that guarded the door of Aldgate, the legendary spear of Hermes that-

"I think you should wear that nice red one; the one you wore to that interview in Aldgate."


[David, softly]
Clad now in his finest livery he takes the high ground on the kitchen table - a spartan yet homely environment, fastidiously chosen - and waits for his enemy to open the first volley.

[Estate Agent]
"Well, the lease ends in six months and we were just wondering whether you'd like to extend it or not. I gathered from Mrs. Price over the phone that there were some issues you'd like to address, first."

[David softly]
His foe had decided his strategy for him, attrition. Take all you can and give as little as possible.

[David aloud] [Hesitant, slightly high pitched]
Well, uh, yes. We'd like to shorten the length of the next contract and although it is a new contract we really see no reason why we'd have to pay yet another down payment and deposit - we already live here after all.

[David softly]
He catches the fiend on the wrong footing - courage courses through his veins.

"Oh, but you'd get both deposits back at the end of this lease, of course. You see...” [fades to background]

[David softly]
He had spread his forces too thinly, gave his foe a chance to focus on the weakest point of the line. Never mind, he must fight this skirmish before moving on to the battle proper.

Last edited by Rhynome on 15 Jun 2011, 15:57, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: A request

Postby JustAName » 15 Jun 2011, 10:42

"part-taking" ought to be partaking, "maestros the [riposte] that follows the parry", "His armoury lays bare before him[.] The", no dash needed in high ground, "down[ ]payment"

Aside from those, I rather like it. Very interesting!
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Re: A request

Postby Rhynome » 15 Jun 2011, 10:48

Oh wow, I just saw repost instead of riposte.
Stuck in forum mode, maybe?
Cheers, will edit.
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Re: A request

Postby Psyclone » 15 Jun 2011, 15:42

"His armoury lays bare" should technically be "his armoury lies bare."

Can't really comment on the story itself, since I don't really know what's going on, but it seems to flow.
They/them/their pronouns

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Re: A request

Postby Rhynome » 15 Jun 2011, 15:56

Right you are! He lied about lying to lay the tiles, perhaps?
And duly ammended.

As for the story, well, the material I have is short; I have about 5 minute segments of a range of ideas. This is part of a larger idea about a fella who's a bit similar to Walter Mitty, but not so much a far gone fantasist as rather just a bit imaginative and absent minded.

Most of the internal monologues carry a somewhat militaristic theme; I might clear it up a bit and make it more ancient Greek. Take out references to Napoleonic era artillery, the word 'livery', etc. That'd probably make it easier to imagine along with and stop it getting old as quickly as if it were almost random seeming historical references.

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