The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
- Lyinginbedmon
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Dating seems like a good method.
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- MinniChi
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
If you're in a situation where you are engaged in heavy make-outs/touching, then I believe it would be quite alright to ask "are we having sex soon?"
And if they reply with a negative, you should go have a cold shower.
And if they reply with a negative, you should go have a cold shower.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Display your plummage proudly.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Sing them the song of your people.
Totally accurate, except for all the times I'm not.
Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
I will definitely admit to being cynical about marriage, or a less romantic one at least. Maybe a more pragmatic one.
See, I never saw marriage as a huge amazing romantic thing. To me it's just a contract. The huge romantic part is being in a relationship for your whole life, and I know people who have been together 50 years and never got married, just like there are people who marry strangers, or marry the wrong people, etc. So I don't think the two go hand in hand.
I still think a ceremony where you can declare your love and commitment to one another is sweet, and bonding, and so on. But once again, you don't need to get married to do that. And I called my husband "my husband" long before we signed any papers. To me, the difference was purely practical (for immigration-related reasons, although there could also be tax reasons, and knowing that your relationship is recognised as valid by the state, etc).
Right now I'm still in the process of getting divorced, so you can add to that the fact that it was ridiculously easy to get married and it's ridiculously hard to get divorced. I feel it should be the other way around, mostly. That is, if there are kids or property involved, obviously, don't divorce on a whim. But otherwise, ending a relationship should be a no-brainer if one person wants to end it. Forcing people to stay together seems very unethical.
Out of the two though, I would rather make it harder to get married. Not harder in a crippling way, just in a way that makes sure people understand what they're signing up for. The problem here isn't with marriage, but with being unprepared for it. I always thought that some things would change once I got married, because it seems to happen that way in movies, etc.
I realise a lot of it is due to my being "different". I thought once I was married, in a happy relationship with someone I loved, things would get better. The sex wasn't working? Well, love is more important anyways. And there is no reason I would love others because you don't when you're in a happy relationship. You only fall in love again if you didn't love the first person in the first place, right?
So when I realised I was still growing attached to other males, it was really hard for me. I ended up cutting myself off from everyone just to make sure I wouldn't fall in love, since even liking someone else is cheating emotionally. Since I couldn't control my emotions, only my actions, I controlled my actions obsessively. I quit my job when I started getting along with my coworkers. I quit going to the store when I realised I was still meeting people there. I stopped interacting in person with anyone who wasn't my husband.
But I was still going online and developing friendships, and it became obvious that I was growing attached to people again.
If I had known about polyamory all along, I could have skipped the whole stage. I told my husband how I felt there and then, but you see, when I talk about hiding things from your partner until after being married, I'm not being paranoid. I did that to my husband. I didn't mean to, but I did.
And he ended up with someone he hadn't signed up for. Someone who would fall in love with other men, whether he was fine with her also having sex with others or not.
Now, the sex issues were not helping any of that. But when there are issues, it's usually not one thing that's easy to fix, it's something that makes you more on edge, causing another, etc. It can be hard to deal with it all. And in my case, I was being so repressed that I couldn't handle anything else. And obviously things weren't easy for him either.
In the end, to this day I don't think there was a way to "fix" things so that we could be happy together, in a healthy relationship that was fulfilling for both of us. We were too different, by which I mean our needs didn't overlap enough. If one partner needs to have something to be happy, and another need for it to be absent from the relationship, there is going to be a problem. If one person can't be happy without children, and the other can't be happy with them, your choice is to make one person miserable or to end it.
Anyway, my point is that some things are sexual, and some sexual things aren't something you just know about yourself from the start. Sometimes you just realise it later. That's true whether you had sex before marriage or not, but the least experience you have, the more likely it is that there are things you don't fully know about yourself.
When you are with someone who has similar enough needs and goals, you'll be able to work with or around the discoveries you make together. When you are not, however, the relationship will be compromised.
I think you can only really know how someone will deal with a struggle when that struggle arises. Therefore, I don't think you can be absolutely sure you will be able to work through difficulties with someone until they show up.
It seems to me committing to a relationship before sex happens is committing to something before you really know what you are committing to. It of course depends on how high sex is on your list of priorities, but love is not going to make up for a lack of sexual attraction, or for being freaked out because your partner wants to try something you find horrifying. If their sexual fetish is your phobia, you guys are kind of screwed.
I absolutely agree that a lack of communication is the main offender, but if I met someone who wanted a full commitment before any sex happened, I just wouldn't be comfortable with that. Nor would I want someone to make a full commitment before knowing what they're signing up for with me. That would make me uncomfortable, like I now have an obligation to match whatever perception they have of me, instead of being able to be myself because I know for sure that it's what they agreed to.
See, I never saw marriage as a huge amazing romantic thing. To me it's just a contract. The huge romantic part is being in a relationship for your whole life, and I know people who have been together 50 years and never got married, just like there are people who marry strangers, or marry the wrong people, etc. So I don't think the two go hand in hand.
I still think a ceremony where you can declare your love and commitment to one another is sweet, and bonding, and so on. But once again, you don't need to get married to do that. And I called my husband "my husband" long before we signed any papers. To me, the difference was purely practical (for immigration-related reasons, although there could also be tax reasons, and knowing that your relationship is recognised as valid by the state, etc).
Right now I'm still in the process of getting divorced, so you can add to that the fact that it was ridiculously easy to get married and it's ridiculously hard to get divorced. I feel it should be the other way around, mostly. That is, if there are kids or property involved, obviously, don't divorce on a whim. But otherwise, ending a relationship should be a no-brainer if one person wants to end it. Forcing people to stay together seems very unethical.
Out of the two though, I would rather make it harder to get married. Not harder in a crippling way, just in a way that makes sure people understand what they're signing up for. The problem here isn't with marriage, but with being unprepared for it. I always thought that some things would change once I got married, because it seems to happen that way in movies, etc.
I realise a lot of it is due to my being "different". I thought once I was married, in a happy relationship with someone I loved, things would get better. The sex wasn't working? Well, love is more important anyways. And there is no reason I would love others because you don't when you're in a happy relationship. You only fall in love again if you didn't love the first person in the first place, right?
So when I realised I was still growing attached to other males, it was really hard for me. I ended up cutting myself off from everyone just to make sure I wouldn't fall in love, since even liking someone else is cheating emotionally. Since I couldn't control my emotions, only my actions, I controlled my actions obsessively. I quit my job when I started getting along with my coworkers. I quit going to the store when I realised I was still meeting people there. I stopped interacting in person with anyone who wasn't my husband.
But I was still going online and developing friendships, and it became obvious that I was growing attached to people again.
If I had known about polyamory all along, I could have skipped the whole stage. I told my husband how I felt there and then, but you see, when I talk about hiding things from your partner until after being married, I'm not being paranoid. I did that to my husband. I didn't mean to, but I did.
And he ended up with someone he hadn't signed up for. Someone who would fall in love with other men, whether he was fine with her also having sex with others or not.
Now, the sex issues were not helping any of that. But when there are issues, it's usually not one thing that's easy to fix, it's something that makes you more on edge, causing another, etc. It can be hard to deal with it all. And in my case, I was being so repressed that I couldn't handle anything else. And obviously things weren't easy for him either.
In the end, to this day I don't think there was a way to "fix" things so that we could be happy together, in a healthy relationship that was fulfilling for both of us. We were too different, by which I mean our needs didn't overlap enough. If one partner needs to have something to be happy, and another need for it to be absent from the relationship, there is going to be a problem. If one person can't be happy without children, and the other can't be happy with them, your choice is to make one person miserable or to end it.
Anyway, my point is that some things are sexual, and some sexual things aren't something you just know about yourself from the start. Sometimes you just realise it later. That's true whether you had sex before marriage or not, but the least experience you have, the more likely it is that there are things you don't fully know about yourself.
When you are with someone who has similar enough needs and goals, you'll be able to work with or around the discoveries you make together. When you are not, however, the relationship will be compromised.
I think you can only really know how someone will deal with a struggle when that struggle arises. Therefore, I don't think you can be absolutely sure you will be able to work through difficulties with someone until they show up.
It seems to me committing to a relationship before sex happens is committing to something before you really know what you are committing to. It of course depends on how high sex is on your list of priorities, but love is not going to make up for a lack of sexual attraction, or for being freaked out because your partner wants to try something you find horrifying. If their sexual fetish is your phobia, you guys are kind of screwed.
I absolutely agree that a lack of communication is the main offender, but if I met someone who wanted a full commitment before any sex happened, I just wouldn't be comfortable with that. Nor would I want someone to make a full commitment before knowing what they're signing up for with me. That would make me uncomfortable, like I now have an obligation to match whatever perception they have of me, instead of being able to be myself because I know for sure that it's what they agreed to.
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- PlasmaCow
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
General Michi wrote:I don't see myself in a position to have sex for quite some time for various reasons so what's the right way to, well, start the having-sex process? I ask because I've only ever had sex with the one girl and we're broken up now so I don't really know how to instigate it with others.
Again, I don't see myself needing this information for some time but the discussion seemed like it needed to change the subject
Tim Minchin shares your concerns.
As for the previous carrying condoms question, currently yes there's one hidden away in my wallet, although no with any great hopes of being used any time soon. Generally speaking though I've not carried anything, mostly because I was a non-drinker (for taste reasons only, no objections to alcohol) and knew I would be fully aware of any situation I got into. And while I don't get blind drunk or anything stupid like that, I'd rather play it safe that tipsy me had something immediately to hand were it ever needed.
- Digital Dolphin
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
On the condom thing, I have some with me pretty much all the time. I don't expect to use them, but I'd rather have them on me than not have them should I need them. There's also the chance I might know someone who needs one and doesn't have it.
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- ex-Lurker
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Avistew wrote:I will definitely admit to being cynical about marriage, or a less romantic one at least. Maybe a more pragmatic one.
etc.
I really liked this post, and not just because I'm a weird person that tries to analyze love scientifically. (I actually looked up the list of hormones that corresponds with falling in love once).
Totally accurate, except for all the times I'm not.
- The Jester
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Uh... guys? I read that keeping condoms in your wallet can dry them out and leave them cracked.
- Lyinginbedmon
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Among other potential damages, I concur, that's one of the most common pieces of advice given about them. The heat and contact with other objects in your pockets and such can cause serious detriment to the effectiveness of the condom.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Now while my wallet normally lives on my desk/jacket pocket as opposed to back trouser pocket like most guys and thus is less exposed to body heat, etc., I should probably get myself some new ones anyway.
I actually only have one left as it happens after using the rest at Scouts (that is to say the Scouts have to try and transport as much water as they can round an obstacle course using a condom - as one part of a survival skills/teamwork challenge we run every year or so).
I actually only have one left as it happens after using the rest at Scouts (that is to say the Scouts have to try and transport as much water as they can round an obstacle course using a condom - as one part of a survival skills/teamwork challenge we run every year or so).
- auberginequeen
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
This is the advantage to being a student: bags.
Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
I used to carry condoms with me but it just ended up feeling pointless and like I was trying to fool myself or something.
- General Michi
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
^ I still feel like that.
- TorachiKatashi
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Hm, well here's a question. We heard from a bunch of the guys; what about the girls (who are interested in guys?) I can remember in high school a friend's mother telling us that if we were potentially interested in that kind of thing then we should keep condoms in our purse or whatever because "guys don't think ahead that far," which was probably true in high school, but I'm curious how many women still do that, or ever did that.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Bags?!!
I sense the word bags was used. Light them, burn them, mix them in a stew.
I sense the word bags was used. Light them, burn them, mix them in a stew.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
TorachiKatashi wrote:Hm, well here's a question. We heard from a bunch of the guys; what about the girls (who are interested in guys?) I can remember in high school a friend's mother telling us that if we were potentially interested in that kind of thing then we should keep condoms in our purse or whatever because "guys don't think ahead that far," which was probably true in high school, but I'm curious how many women still do that, or ever did that.
That has the potential to go very wrong i.e. sizes.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
I've always been taught that it was the male's responsibility because it's his penis.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Rocket is right that it can be sized wrong. However, I've definitely bought and carried condoms around, and even used them. Right now I'm not carrying any around, but I'm debating whether I should.
My main issue here is that any sex would have to be confirmed with Sean beforehand anyways. So "impromptu sex" isn't really an option, unless I was to cheat on him or something. Of course, if I cheated, it would be best to have condoms on me rather than not, but... it seems weird to plan for something like that.
I'm thinking I'll discuss it with him, but I think he might get a bit hurt by the suggestion, and I would understand.
Now, if I'm on a date, which was the original question, then yeah, I would bring some. At least some flavored ones. Guys (in my personal experience) seem to assume oral sex is exempt from protection (despite transmitting most crap) and regular condoms taste horrible.
My main issue here is that any sex would have to be confirmed with Sean beforehand anyways. So "impromptu sex" isn't really an option, unless I was to cheat on him or something. Of course, if I cheated, it would be best to have condoms on me rather than not, but... it seems weird to plan for something like that.
I'm thinking I'll discuss it with him, but I think he might get a bit hurt by the suggestion, and I would understand.
Now, if I'm on a date, which was the original question, then yeah, I would bring some. At least some flavored ones. Guys (in my personal experience) seem to assume oral sex is exempt from protection (despite transmitting most crap) and regular condoms taste horrible.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
MrPayneTrayne wrote:Display your plummage proudly.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
Avistew wrote:regular condoms taste horrible.
I assumed most penises would, too.
This isn't even a cleanliness thing. I just mean... is flesh supposed to taste good? The nipple is purpose-built to go into the mouth, so evolutionarily, it probably tastes like something so you'll want to drink or something. That's why your teeth don't taste like anything, or if they do, you're just used to it.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
I'd imagine that even under the best of circumstances it's a little sweaty, too. Not that I've had an enormous variety of partners, but I can only assume.
And yes there can be issues with sizing but if the woman brings some, there's a chance they won't fit, but if she doesn't bring any, then it's a definite. (Unless the man has brought some, obviously, but let's say in this hypothetical that he didn't.) So if you're inclined to be prepared, then do.
And yes there can be issues with sizing but if the woman brings some, there's a chance they won't fit, but if she doesn't bring any, then it's a definite. (Unless the man has brought some, obviously, but let's say in this hypothetical that he didn't.) So if you're inclined to be prepared, then do.
- BlitzRunner27
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
King Kool wrote:I assumed most penises would, too.
Not really. They don't have much of a taste at all, to be honest, although I suppose it might differ from person to person. And once pre-cum comes in to play, it actually starts to taste kind of sweet. I actually wildly prefer the taste of penis to the overpowering taste of vagina.
The more you know~
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
King Kool wrote:Avistew wrote:regular condoms taste horrible.
I assumed most penises would, too.
This isn't even a cleanliness thing. I just mean... is flesh supposed to taste good? The nipple is purpose-built to go into the mouth, so evolutionarily, it probably tastes like something so you'll want to drink or something. That's why your teeth don't taste like anything, or if they do, you're just used to it.
Thanks. Now I'm going to be at work all day trying to figure out what my teeth taste like.
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Re: The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One
If you keep your teeth clean they shouldn't taste like anything. The enamel on your teeth shouldn't come off and should be tasteless. Plaque on the other hand does have some taste to it.
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