The Sex Thread 2: Because Two Hands Are Better Than One

[2stepz]

The key, no matter how long its been, is communication. Prior, during, after... talk, listen listen listen. Listen to her words, listen to the verbal cues, listen to the body language... and prioritize her over you.

As long as you're honest and open to suggestions... you're doing the best you can. Nobody could reasonably ask more from you.

[gcninja]

Yeah, that's the thing, I've made mention that it's been about five years so I hope she'll understand I might need some time. Which is why I was maybe looking at a toy and if that'd help in anyway/shape/form

[Mums]

Yeah, that's the thing, I've made mention that it's been about five years so I hope she'll understand I might need some time. Which is why I was maybe looking at a toy and if that'd help in anyway/shape/form

Speaking as someone who's tried sex toys both solo and in a relationship I wouldn't say they offer that much help in the "sex training" department. They are often just a different variation of masturbation, to give it another flavour. I guess maybe a sleeve could help in the sense that you get used to not having direct controll over pressure, but it's hard (pun intended?) to compare it to being with another person, since you have the whole body to deal with, you have intimacy, warmth, sweat, you might not always be the one controlling rythm etc.
Toys are usually quite expensive and depending on your economy I don't know if I can recommend them for the sole purpose of "sex training".

My recommendation is to talk to her about it be open, it would be extremly strange if she demanded perfection the first time. Hell, even people who are used to having sex often find the first time awkward. Hopefully you'll get to do it a few times together and you'll grow together, sex is not a competition it's one of the best co-op games.

On a personal note, I got to have sex last week!
About a year ago since last time. It was clumpsy and awkward and great, I mean even bad sex is great. Try not to fear it and just go with the flow (don't get too drunk to still the nerves) and if it's not super, atleast you'll have a bit more experience until next time!

[Bebop Man]

[Mums]

<3
Thank you Bebop!

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

What can cause an erection?
I ask this question in sincerity.

[Elomin Sha]

The movement of blood into the phallus when you see something you are sexuslly attracted to.

[Ptangmatik]

Not necessarily though Elo, erections can happen fairly randomly; for instance, on a shaking bus or even sometimes when I've been sitting in an awkward position.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I got an erection when I hugged a friend, and when they spoke to me.
Just trying to work out if it can mean something besides sexual attraction (because I think it's inappropriate in this circumstance.)

I value his friendship dearly, and I think I've been here before with someone else. And it has not gone well (they did not do good things, so it's not exactly the same). Trying to understand my reaction towards him better so I don't make a mistake.

Either I am very attracted to them, or I am just very excited to interact with them.

Trying to work out if it's a sexual erection or an excited erection.

[Elomin Sha]

Or you were trying to excert your dominance as the Alpha male.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

He certainly has attributes that I find very attractive in men.
-
Why it would be awkward:
He's Spanish. So cultural norms might be different. I might take things he says or does in the wrong way.
He's training to be a pastor.
His father is a pastor.

I'm really happy with him being a brother to me.
He's acting as a measuring stick to compare people who I might be interested in romantically. I can't help but it feels a tad incestuous.

I think it's just sheer happiness at spending social interaction with him and he happens to posses traits I find attractive.
-
Did mean when I hugged him before I bent a bit forwards to avoid any contours.

And now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting and I am simply caught with a fantasy than reality.

[betsytheripper]

It sounds like you may be experiencing non-concordance. Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are (which I am currently reading) is generally geared towards cis-women, but talks about the science behind non-concordance in men as well as women.

Non-concordance is when your genitals say "this is sexually relevant" but your brain says "this is not sexually appealing", or vise versa. Turns out, genital response doesn't necessarily have anything to do with arousal. In men, there is usually a 50% overlap between genital response and arousal, but they don't have to be linked.

The book is much more thorough, but that's the basic sum up of the concept. I highly recommend this book, but chapter 6 is the one that focuses on arousal and non-concordance.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

If men weren't capable of getting it up even when not sexually interested in their partner, then male rape wouldn't be a thing. It happens. Genitals exist for the sole purpose of getting used, so they tend to get rather overexcited at even the vaguest opportunity of doing so- I must confess to having had raging hardons on a variety of different occasions when comforting some of my best friends in times of great difficulty for them, but that didn't mean I was about to try interrupting a sad moment with something inappropriate. That you are able to come to judgements without the aid of your penis is what marks you out as a conscientious human being rather than a bonobo.

For a semi-related take on the subject, I suggest the scene in 'A Theory Of Everything' where Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) describes his junk as an 'automatic circuit'.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Ah thank you. You've been of great comfort.
You can read that I had already suspected things, but it's reassuring to hear it being said by people who live outside of my brain.

I have a lot of emotional attachment to this person; especially since they played quite a substantial role with bringing me to faith. No wonder my junk gets excited with all these chemicals running through me when I am socially interacting with this person.
--
Interesting thing I noticed.

When I was away in Spain staying in my friend's dad's church, and when he visited over Easter I didn't masturbate.
I didn't have that drive to masturbate.
It's a daily thing for me, except for those two weeks.

So I wonder if part is my junk going "do something".

[Avistew]

If men weren't capable of getting it up even when not sexually interested in their partner, then male rape wouldn't be a thing. It happens. Genitals exist for the sole purpose of getting used, so they tend to get rather overexcited at even the vaguest opportunity of doing so- I must confess to having had raging hardons on a variety of different occasions when comforting some of my best friends in times of great difficulty for them, but that didn't mean I was about to try interrupting a sad moment with something inappropriate. That you are able to come to judgements without the aid of your penis is what marks you out as a conscientious human being rather than a bonobo.

For a semi-related take on the subject, I suggest the scene in 'A Theory Of Everything' where Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) describes his junk as an 'automatic circuit'.

Men can be raped in ways that have nothing to do with their (or anyone's) penis, so I disagree with your first sentence. I agree about the rest, and the sentiment: the whole "men can't be raped because erection, so that means they wanted it" is pretty horrendous, and people of any gender can show signs of "arousal" without being aroused (getting wet, getting an erection), as well (which people tend to be more aware of) show no such signs even when they are aroused (difficulty getting wet or getting an erection).

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Absolutely true Avistew- I didn't quite phrase that properly, my apologies

[JustAName]

Woo got the implant today! Turns out the OB/GYN facility was really near my house so I walked there in ten minutes. Got in, everyone was very nice. Talked to the doctor and a med student/intern/something she had there with her. Since I was there already, they asked if I wanted a pap smear as well, and since I'd never had one, I figured I might as well. The med student did it, but he was very quick at it, so that was all fine. It was vaguely uncomfortable, but I figure if it's that or prostate exams, I'll take the pap.

They did a local anaesthetic (of course the needle for that hurt, but not as much as I expected, as usual), and then a few seconds later put the implant in, but by then I couldn't feel it. And now it's done and I don't have to worry about birth control for three years!

It's vaguely annoying that my periods are going to be erratic for the next few months because they'd been so light and regular on the pill, but that's a trade-off I'm willing to make.

I'm really happy about this whole thing.

[Elomin Sha]

Hooray for the bionic woman.

[betsytheripper]

Good for you! The needle for the implant is like a sharp straw, but they do numb you up real good beforehand.

I got my implant Jan 27, 2014, after one Depo shot (Nov 8, 2013), and before that I'd been on Nuvaring for 7 years. My periods have been totally irregular since, but they're rarely painful, I just learned to keep supplies in my bag at all times. They're so far apart now that the bf had forgotten that I get them, and I did just have one that lasted 9 days of slow, steady drip, but that's the first time that's happened. (It was also in conjunction with possible ovarian cyst symptoms so *shrug*.) The symptoms before and during my period have changed, including extra breast tenderness among other things. I would suggest you keep track of changes/frequency/duration, all that, so that you can provide your health provider with your personal history on the implant. Also, the nurses here are real funny when I answer "when was the first day of your last period" with "uuuh I have the implant", they usually laugh and nod.

For anyone else I'd be happy to talk about my experience with Nuvaring (loved it), Depo (not for me) and more in depth with the implant.

Oh and my favorite part is asking people if they want to feel it. Reactions are 50/50 "Yeah cool!" and "ew no!".

[Avistew]

Awesome, Fayili Enjoy!

[BlueChloroplast]

I have been planning on trying hormonal birth control. My plan is to start on pills first to see how my body reacts to the hormones.

[JustAName]

The pill and the implant are actually very different, so keep in mind that even if you react negatively to the pill, you may not to the implant or to a hormone-based IUD.

[Elomin Sha]

I keep reading IUD as IED. I need to stop that.

[betsytheripper]

The pill and the implant are different, yes, but there are also many types of "the pill" nowadays. The implant (brand name Nexplanon or Implanon), hormone IUD, the shot (Depo Provera), and the mini-pill are all progestin only. This is medically important for some people, as having migraines with visual symptoms (aura, flashing lights, blindspots) and taking estrogen based BC greatly increases the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis (blood clots that can travel to your heart, lungs, or brain and can kill you). BC with estrogen is usually called combination BC. Most pills are combination.

Of the different pills, there are also dosage styles, from low to very low to phasic. There are also alternative monthly combination BC options, such as the ring (Nuvaring) and the patch (Ortho Evra).

There are advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons, and side-effects to every type of BC, and it's all very personal. I loved the ring, it was great for my lifestyle, but I was forced to switch because of the DVT risk. I hated my 3 months with Depo, but now I love the implant.

If you're looking to try BC for the first time, talk to a local sex educator/medical professional about your life, both everyday and sex stuff, your needs, and ask about side effects, and their take on pros and cons for each one. You may also want to do a little independent research on the medical literature if you like, but you should make this decision not only by yourself, but with your medical practitioner and your partner(s).

Basically, there's a ton of options, just talk about it.

[BlueChloroplast]

I read the stuff on the planned parenthood site because Oh Joy Sex Toy linked to them (and I couldn't remember the provincial government sponsored site). I was thinking progestin only pills would have the same effects as the implant or the shot. But I guess not then (but then one data point is poor evidence )