The depressing depression thread

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2stepz
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby 2stepz » 09 Jun 2013, 21:12

Fayili wrote:I love you. I love you so much. I wish we lived next door to each other so that I could come over all the time and we could hang out and watch TV or whatever. I could cuddle your dogs and you could pretend to be impressed by my knitting. I want to bake with you and I'd even do all the really hard mixing parts instead of fobbing it off on someone else. I'd go out on walks with you in the early morning when it's not stupid hot yet even though I hate the morning and I kind of dislike exercise although walking can be nice.

I know I'm not really what you want, and I'm far away, and we don't talk enough, but I do love you, sis.


I have a kitchen aid... the hard mixing parts are done by machine. ;) Just do the dishes and we'll probably be okay. Also, I have tended to move my walks to the late evening since I have developed sun allergies. I'd rather deal with the darkness than itchy painful rashes. Love you, too, Sis... and you know if you decide on grad school in the midwest, I'll be here.
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Keab42
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 10 Jun 2013, 03:29

We really need somebody to win the lottery so we can set up that Runners Ranch
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Mister Fiend
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Mister Fiend » 10 Jun 2013, 04:20

This last week has made me realize that I'm just no damn good. I've lost whatever little confidence I had in myself and can no longer really be motivated.
metcarfre wrote:Fiend holding a Stampede while smoking a cigar just changed my life.

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JustAName
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 10 Jun 2013, 08:52

Stop that, Fiend! I hate you! I really, really hate you! I hope you know that.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 10 Jun 2013, 10:24

2stepz wrote:I think the worst thing about my recurring depression is the overwhelming belief that I am entirely and unquestionably unlovable, and always have been. I'm tolerated, even enjoyed by some, and I truly enjoy who I am. However... the one area in which I have no faith in humanity is the ability to care about me in some more-than-superficial capacity.

A song came on the radio tonight that, in itself, isn't sad. However it reminds me of a time when I was losing my best friend, and the harder I tried to hold on, the faster he ran away. I don't think I have truly let anybody "see" the real me since the day he walked out of my life. (ETA: This was more than 10 years ago now... which I also realized when I tried to figure out how old that song was. It came out in Spring semester of 2002, and I had been dealing with the gradual loss of this friend for 6 months at that point. So, when I did the math, I felt melancholy AND old!)

I try so hard to have faith in people, to believe the best in them... and to some extent I succeed. I believe people do their best and (for most) mean no harm. But love? Impossible.

Also ETA: I have value, I don't doubt that. I have friends, but they are all distant (geographically and sometimes emotionally). And for the most part, I provide a service to those around me that I believe is my assigned role in life. However, it is a role that keeps me a short-term resource. I am good to solve specific problems, and then I'm left in the dust. #DepressionIsWeird


DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU HACKING INTO MY BRAIN
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Kapol
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 10 Jun 2013, 11:36

2stepz wrote:I think the worst thing about my recurring depression is the overwhelming belief that I am entirely and unquestionably unlovable, and always have been. I'm tolerated, even enjoyed by some, and I truly enjoy who I am. However... the one area in which I have no faith in humanity is the ability to care about me in some more-than-superficial capacity.


I think I'm similar, but different in a key point. I dislike myself. Almost to the point of hating myself. And because of that, I don't really understand how anyone could like me. I don't see the value I hold besides being a person that exists. I feel the only reason that those who do seem to enjoy my presence do is because they don't know me fully. But that's because I don't let myself be fully known due to the fear I feel every time I consider letting anyone in. I don't trust anyone either, and that doesn't help.

This self-loathing has lead me to develop more oddities that only make my self image hurt. These things that are mostly about being someone else shame me quite a bit. And as such, it becomes a weird spiral of wanting to be a completely different person and that causing me to become worse in my self view.

I think the worst part is that I know myself too well in many respects. I overthink every aspect of my life. I know everything I do. I know every single thing that could be taken negatively. And my mind always thinks the worst.

It's the same thoughts that hurt my self-image that hurts what I do. Besides videogames, I don't think I'm good at anything. And even video games I'm only mediocre at. That's not much to hang my hat on, especially considering I have the drive to be the best at everything, which makes me sad because I never can be.
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Mums
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Mums » 10 Jun 2013, 13:28

Kapol, I'll tell you this, you have one fucking awesome avatar!
Sit down. Get ready. Sit down again!

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 10 Jun 2013, 13:56

Hey, I realised a while back I'm not good at anything I turn my hand to; I tend to be average quite a bit, and I'd like to consider myself reasonably intelligent and physically fit, but I have very little in the way of skill or ability at life things. But then again... I think my brother's a bit of a tit a lot too, but I'm kinda stuck with him and everyone benefits if we just get along. I kinda feel the same way about me. I'm not perfect, but I'm the only me I've got, so I just try to do the best by myself whenever I can, and one day I hope I'll find something I enjoy enough to dedicate my life to. Or maybe a collection of things. Or maybe some people.

I think Tim Minchin put it best:

"This is my brain
And I live in it
It's made of love and bad song lyrics
It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
Cause God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weird thing about a mind
Is that every answer that I find
Is the basis of a brand new cliche

This is my brain
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine"
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not Image it after all."
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Foxmar » 16 Jun 2013, 11:52

I don't know what to feel right now. My grandmother died yesterday morning and no one felt it was important to call and let me know. I only found out when I called my father to wish him a happy fathers day. Its great to know that no one cares enough about me to bother even letting me know she died.
Im officially done with my family. They obviously dont care about me.
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LogicSword
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby LogicSword » 23 Jun 2013, 15:07

Well... I think I screwed up my chances of this placement, because basically I suck at what I want to do with my life.

This would've been so perfect as well :/
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dubious_wolf » 23 Jun 2013, 22:46

I occassionally get upset or volatile. Sometimes I get bitter.
But overall. I'm doing better. I get up in the morning. I don't feel like crap.
I'm finally taking care of me. Instead of just wallowing in trite self pity.
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for listening to my bitching.
^( " )^
winner!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 23 Jun 2013, 23:08

:)
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 24 Jun 2013, 08:46

WELL

FUCKING

DONE

Now go do awesome things :)
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not Image it after all."
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Keab42
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 24 Jun 2013, 13:30

Had a very down day today, keep wanting to hurt myself this evening. However, every time I'm about to do it I imagine Fayili's disappointed face and stop myself.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 24 Jun 2013, 14:07

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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(Sorry it's an old picture - can't take a new one right now.)
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

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Elomin Sha
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 24 Jun 2013, 14:46

Keab42 wrote:Had a very down day today, keep wanting to hurt myself this evening. However, every time I'm about to do it I imagine Fayili's disappointed face and stop myself.


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LogicSword
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby LogicSword » 24 Jun 2013, 15:42

Hey, Keab? Please don't. Then I'll never meet you and that would suck :(
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Deedles
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 24 Jun 2013, 15:48

My brain is dying, formulating a sentence is hard, but before I collapse in bed, I wanted say this; Keab, I'm really happy you didn't do anything rash, because you're an awesome person, and this world already has a critical lack of awesome. We need you around, okay?
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Lord Chrusher
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 25 Jun 2013, 03:20

Good to hear that you made the right choices Keab.

On a less cheerful note today is the three year anniversary of my father's death. I slept in till noon and even then could not summon the will to go into uni. On the positive side I talked to friends on Skype I had not talked to in a while and went for a run.
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Keab42
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 25 Jun 2013, 05:13

Thanks for the concern everybody.

However I would like to note that, for me at least, the distance between self harm and suicide is vast. So much so that the far side is out of sight.

Even then having used the words self harm I expect you're all now imagining me slicing myself with sharp objects. But truth be told I'm a coward, my brand of self harm is punching and biting myself. Nothing that leaves a permanent mark. In fact it took me a long time to admit it was self harm because of that preconceived notion.

So, don't worry.

But thank you nonetheless, especially to Fayili!

**EDIT**

I would also like to apologise for making you all worry. Sorry.
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tamaness
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby tamaness » 25 Jun 2013, 11:13

Keab42 wrote:However I would like to note that, for me at least, the distance between self harm and suicide is vast. So much so that the far side is out of sight.

Oh thank goodness you chimed in to say this.

I used to cut myself (back in HS); there was no suicidal intention - it helped make emotional stress into physical pain, which was much easier to deal with at the time.

Good deal to you that you refrained from self-harm, Keab. Keep it up!
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Lord Chrusher
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 25 Jun 2013, 19:46

To quote the Metric song Satellite Mind "I'm not suicidal, I just can't get out of bed".
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Keab42
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 27 Jun 2013, 09:14

Everything is coming up Keab this week, I should be happy. So why the hell is my brain still telling me that I should be curling up in a ball and crying?
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JustAName
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 27 Jun 2013, 09:16

Because your brain is sometimes a dumb. It's not your fault, or your brain's fault. Sometimes it just gets the wrong chemicals, and that sucks.

You know what, though? I love you. So try not to beat yourself up, and take some time out for yourself. You deserve it.
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 29 Jun 2013, 00:11

I'm doing better but my sleep schedule is horribly out of wack.
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