The depressing depression thread

[nicholasmc1]

What a dick.

[Prospero101]

Yuuuuuuuuuup. Especially since the laptop in question is my only source of happiness in the world.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

So, I went to the doctor today.

He put me on a trial prescription of SSRIs.

This, as somebody with relatively mild and decidedly periodic depression, worries the shit out of me.

Thankfully, I've got another appointment in a week to see how things're going.

[Ptangmatik]

They take a few weeks to work mate, like 2-3 weeks, so don't expect a miracle right away.

Keep to the dosage and you'll be ok.

[tamaness]

It's a good idea to keep a journal so that you can objectively track where your mental state is. Also, don't read yesterday's entry before writing the one for today.

I used to keep track of weight, mood (average level and intensity), whether (and how much) I'd exercised, and whenever I had anything like a migraine or an anxiety attack, and then I'd elaborate. Tracking stuff like this helped me to give my Dr. good information, rather than general more-biased information. It also helps to answer "when did you start noticing this" type of questions.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Four days in and... well something certainly happened. Last night I was opening my half of a Magic booster box, and I started getting twitchy. Really twitchy. It's been building slowly for the last few days- I'm more restless and fidgety than usual, and I'm also talking too fast a lot of the time. Apparently this is causing me to get rather absent-minded, because when sorting my cards at the end I kept thinking I'd finished a pile, then looking over to see some I'd separated out & forgotten about. It's nothing particularly unusual, since I've got a pretty poor memory, but... still, it's a thing.

It's a strange sensation. I'm still analysing and thinking about all the negative stuff I usually do, but I'm not worrying about them so much. They're more in the background. Not sure if all this is the meds, given how quickly it's started, or just circumstances (depression for me is highly periodic rather than long-term), but it's something, definitely.

[Dutch guy]

Things are slow at work, i've not been sleeping well, the weather sucks and I'm slowly drifting over to that "I just don't give a fuck anymore" zone...

[2stepz]

I just need to say that female hormone fluctuations SUCK. Trying to stay out of TMI... so I think that's enough for now.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Welp, a week in and off to see the doctor tomorrow. It's been... strange, and I'm unsure how much of that is the meds, how much is the placebo effect and how much is just me being me. Either way, I've certainly got a lot to talk about- and given that exams are coming out, this is the last time I want disruptive side-effects.

[Jamfalcon]

Now I'm starting to regret my being shy and not introducing myself to everyone I could at LRRcon. Still had a great time, but it feels like I didn't take full advantage of the opportunity. Maybe this is that post-con depression people are always talking about. Or maybe I just need to catch up on sleep.

[Kapol]

So I just heard a story of something that happened in my area that makes me super sad. Apparently, there was a case where a toddler smothered their baby sibling. The baby was crying, and the toddler didn't want them to get in trouble, so the toddler used a pillow to try to get it to be quiet... and it went bad. Now the toddler doesn't know where the baby went, not understanding what's happened. It just breaks my heart.

[DewKnight]

I am dying, and it just doesn't seem to register with me. Maybe I'me still in shock, I don't know.

Basically all the chemo and crap they tried on me didn't work. I have incurable cancer and my only option is palliative chemo (just trying to keep me alive as long as possible), but I'm not doing that because it sucks really hard just for a few extra months. Don't know how fast it is growing right now, but from past stuff it will probably be 1-2 years left.

It just really bothers me that this whole situation doesn't bother me at all. Very confusing.

Edit: maybe that's too depressing for this thread.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Of course it's not too depressing for this thread- that's what it's for.

I'm not sure what I can really say, in all honesty. I could talk about Stephen's Story, I could write impassioned speeches, but all that I have to say has doubtless been said already. Just... do the absolute most with whatever time you've got left, and know that we'll be here to support you through however long that is.

[AdmiralMemo]

I'm just wondering if you've subconsciously found peace with your life, and just haven't consciously realized it.

[DewKnight]

That really could be it. I regret many things in life (like everybody), but I have done some really fun things. At this point I'm either in shock or I just quickly bypassed all the other stages of grief and am accepting of it. I just don't know which one it is, and that bothers me.

[cuddlyblade]

I can't say it's the same for you but from the experience I have in this situation I know that when a close relative of mine became terminally ill it took a couple of months for it to really sink in and for them to get really upset about it.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

What is life but an intermediary stage in which atoms get to think about themselves for a time? Life is a privilege that we are honoured to possess, but all good things come to an end in time- let us be thankful for this gift, no more nor less.

[RytelCSF]

This is half depression talk, half rant, but here we go:

I'm sick of people telling me when I'm being insulted/harassed while gaming online to "just ignore it." People always tell me this and I can't stand it for three reasons.

The first is that I've been bullied for most of my life, and I've been told to "just ignore it" for most of that time. It never works. It doesn't make them stop and it doesn't make me stop feeling bad about it. Ignoring the issue solves nothing.

The second is a bit more complicated. I'm probably told that I'm terrible and doing everything wrong and otherwise insulted pretty much every day I play a game with some form of communication. Conversely, you know how often I've been complimented, advised, or told it's okay, I'm doing alright?

Zero. None. Never. So why should I ignore the only people willing to talk to me in the first place?

And finally... here's the thing about the people insulting me: they're right. They might not be right in how they're saying it, but the actual things they're saying aren't incorrect. I am terrible. I am doing it all wrong. I don't know anything. You've seen it in TF2, you've seen it in Minecraft, you've probably seen it in some other games you've played with me that I can't remember... I'm terrible at video games, but I love doing them. I just can't ever be good at them and I never will.

So why bother playing multiplayer stuff? Well... I wanna make friends. I don't really have friends anywhere, and maybe if I'm good enough one of these days someone will take notice of me and maybe I'll have someone to talk to. I don't see it happening, but I have to try.

And someday... I want to be good enough at something, anything, that I can teach and guide people the way that I've been taught and guided. I've taken so much from this whole social construct and given nothing back. But I currently have nothing to give back, and I don't see myself picking anything up anytime soon.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

And someday... I want to be good enough at something, anything, that I can teach and guide people the way that I've been taught and guided. I've taken so much from this whole social construct and given nothing back. But I currently have nothing to give back, and I don't see myself picking anything up anytime soon.

I've had that feeling for so much of my life. Every time I am objectively any good at something, it never feels like it, or it's never something that I feel matters. The best solace I've found from those kinds of feelings is just to trust that my brain is being irrational and is lying to me- that I am in fact a functional human being, and that by not being a douchebag, not being wilfully ignorant and by making sure I keep on trying, it's enough. It's OK. I'm making the world a tiny bit better by not being awful, and that's all that needs be.

Big stuff can only ever build on top of that.

Re: the abuse thing, I have been bullied a couple of times in my life, but much more frequently than that I was targeted and provoked by other people. That sounds like bullying and it kinda was, but the dynamic didn't feel like that at the time- people just liked to provoke me into getting angry, chasing them & being generally eurgh, and the aggressive guy ain't the one who gets called a bully. I include that little anecdote to know that I have been on the receiving end of the 'ignore it' suggestions time & again and thought of it as bullshit at the time- but with the benefit of hindsight and maturity, I've found that the whole 'ignore it' mantra is entirely, 100% true IF AND ONLY IF you have the mindset in place that facilitates it.

In plainspeak: when people say to 'ignore' the bullshit other people say, they don't do so because it'll stop people doing it (IRL that kinda works because it gets boring for the bully, online not so much), but because they have learned how to listen to that kind of thing and not feel bad. When someone is abusive & bullying, they are simply not dispensing any information worth listening to or knowing- you have to train your brain such that when someone calls you a 'useless noob twat' (or similar), you aren't thinking about the mistake you made to cause that, or even anything sympathetic like 'they were all noobs once'. What you need to be thinking is 'that is out of ****ing order and you are clearly not worth listening to'. And then, you'll find yourself 'ignoring it'.

Does that make sense?

[RytelCSF]

And someday... I want to be good enough at something, anything, that I can teach and guide people the way that I've been taught and guided. I've taken so much from this whole social construct and given nothing back. But I currently have nothing to give back, and I don't see myself picking anything up anytime soon.

I've had that feeling for so much of my life. Every time I am objectively any good at something, it never feels like it, or it's never something that I feel matters. The best solace I've found from those kinds of feelings is just to trust that my brain is being irrational and is lying to me- that I am in fact a functional human being, and that by not being a douchebag, not being wilfully ignorant and by making sure I keep on trying, it's enough. It's OK. I'm making the world a tiny bit better by not being awful, and that's all that needs be.

Big stuff can only ever build on top of that.

But I know my brain's not lying to me, is the thing. That's the thing about games: they keep track of whether you're good or not. I have raw statistical evidence reminding me that I'm terrible. I don't need my brain to convince me of anything when the numbers say everything.

Minecraft is the exception there, but I've been attacked unprovoked on supposedly non-PvP servers (yes, LRRcraft, both of them) which is a pretty good way of saying "you're not wanted" to me. And I don't blame them; my buildings suck.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

You can 'know' that your brain isn't lying to you, but remember that it's your brain doing the knowing. And anyway, numbers don't mean shit when it comes to gaming- you being 'bad' at videogames doesn't mean a) you are any less of a gamer, b) that you are any less of a person, c) that you deserve anyone ragging on you for f***ing trying to enjoy yourself or d) that you should have to listen to their bullshit. They are in the wrong here, not you.

[Deedles]

You can 'know' that your brain isn't lying to you, but remember that it's your brain doing the knowing. And anyway, numbers don't mean shit when it comes to gaming- you being 'bad' at videogames doesn't mean a) you are any less of a gamer, b) that you are any less of a person, c) that you deserve anyone ragging on you for f***ing trying to enjoy yourself or d) that you should have to listen to their bullshit. They are in the wrong here, not you.

You expressed my thoughts so perfectly that all I can do is quote you for emphasis. You're so right.

[Darkobra]

Wait a minute, Rytel. I think we've played TF2 games together. I even think you tried your hand at sniping a few times in one of the maps. Know how I remember? Because you were good enough that I MADE YOU the focus of my game! You were shutting down half my team and I had to get you distracted long enough!

Now I don't just do that with anyone! Lying's the other one I do it to! If I remember that over a year later, I'd say you were pretty damn good at what you do!

Don't go letting a few negative voices get in your way. Keep at it! You really are better than you think!

[AdmiralMemo]

And finally... here's the thing about the people insulting me: they're right. They might not be right in how they're saying it, but the actual things they're saying aren't incorrect. I am terrible. I am doing it all wrong. I don't know anything. You've seen it in TF2, you've seen it in Minecraft, you've probably seen it in some other games you've played with me that I can't remember... I'm terrible at video games, but I love doing them. I just can't ever be good at them and I never will.

Dude, what the BUS are you talking about? I love your Minecraft stuff! I wish you'd return, but you haven't...

Minecraft is the exception there, but I've been attacked unprovoked on supposedly non-PvP servers (yes, LRRcraft, both of them) which is a pretty good way of saying "you're not wanted" to me.

1. When was this? 2. Who did it? 3. Is it really that bad on the current iteration of LRRcraft, when keep items/levels is on? You don't "lose" anything, other than where you were. Yeah, it might be annoying to get back to where you were, but if something happens that upsets you, make sure a Mod/Admin knows about it. We don't tolerate that stuff. If anyone's going to be mad at someone on LRRcraft, it better be me they're getting mad at. I make sure of that.

[Keab42]

Post LRRCon blues starting to hit now that I'm home.