The depressing depression thread

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Telaril
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Telaril » 29 May 2014, 02:52

I'm depressed and I can't sleep. I'm annoyed with my work: I work in a field most people would kill to break into, but that means that for the last year I've been working 70-80 hour weeks more often than not. My last review was basically "some of your stuff isn't absolutely perfect the first try" and I was like "YA THINK? After giving our team a deadline that was 50% of the time other teams were given for the same project, maybe we'd be overworked and not perfect?" Still, I don't see any way to explain that where I don't seem shrill and impossible.

Now I'm on a new team where my current team lead has a bad impression of me (because of that review that said my stuff wasn't perfect) who also has entirely different philosophies. I tried to have a calm discussion about a thing we were working on together, and the conclusion was basically "Do it my way, because I don't even understand how anyone would possibly like it the way you like it. Your way of doing it is objectively bad, because of reasons."
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Rikadyn » 02 Jun 2014, 00:01

I'm about to embark on something most people would absolutely be excited about and I can barely manage a shrug when asked about it. Heh.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby madrak_the_red » 03 Jun 2014, 20:23

I've told this story lots of times to lots of different people. I don't know if anyone remembers me or really cares, but I appreciate having a place to put this out there to someone who isn't in the same room as me. I feel like I should have learned something from it by now, but I still haven't.

Last time I really hung around this forum was like 3 years ago, as I was finishing my A levels and just about to head off to Oxford university, full of excitement and hope. All that seems pretty premature these days. I failed that year. I stopped attending lectures, classes, tutorials, everything. It was some sort of depression in response to stress and the workload. I was wholly unprepared for it. It drove me a little insane. I broke down in tears when I had to explain my lack of attendance to the undergraduate tutor. I stood in front a mirror with a knife over my heart shouting at myself. Shortly after that I left. I spent the summer term in a friends house, just dicking about a cool city playing magic. I helped me forget what happened but it didn't help me recover.

Fastforward 3 months to next September. I decided I couldn't hack the Oxford workload so I moved universities. I started again at Birmingham university. It was a surreal experience, being a first year two years in a row. I kinda resented it to be honest. I felt somewhat bloodied by what I'd experienced. I made some new friends, mostly in the re-enactment society, but nothing like the friends I'd made in Oxford, who, thanks to my increasing social anxiety and the expense of rail fares, I kinda drifted apart from.

Now, I've never been the most socially forward person. I don't like meeting new people, it makes me very nervous. I had gotten much better at standing in front of people and talking at my time at school (thank you cadets) but all the social skills I'd gained during my teenage years seemed to drain away from me. Being a complete non-drinker at the time (I've since discovered the joys of mead and sake) bonding in any way with any of the first years was... challenging. I tended to spend my time in my room playing games on my computer and talking to my girlfriend on skype. For the most part I was doing alright, attending lectures and tutorials. I wasn't super hard on myself about it all though as, this being my second time round, I'd done a lot of it all already. But then the panic attacks started.

I guess maybe they were a callback to the (kinda traumatic) work experiences I'd had in Oxford, but I'd get very, very anxious about attending lectures and tutorials. I missed several. I kept sleeping more and more, missing even more tutorials. I talked to student counselling, I talked to my tutor. I didn't take it too seriously. I passed the year with a lower grade than I should have got, but I passed the year. I told myself that I'd gotten over 'it'. It would be smooth sailing from here on.

Summer was pretty chill. I had an internship, which I did quite well on. I built myself a computer for the first time. I went on holiday with my girlfriend. I was doing quite well.

Then I got back to university. I held it together for maybe two weeks before I just let everything completely slip. Left to my own devices I skipped lectures (or slept through them) and put off and put off work. I kept putting off choosing an elective until way after the deadline too. I'd failed the one I'd done last year so I guess I was freaking out about it. I can barely remember now, and this was only 8 months ago.

I continued to let things slip. I went home for Christmas. I told myself and my parents that I'd catch up, that I'd get extensions for things. I'd go to the doctor, I'd go to the counsellor. Over Christmas, I caught up a little bit. I even completed a couple of the overdue pieces of coursework. But I didn't contact anyone about extensions. I freaked out every time I tried. I kept pretending I'd done it. To my parents. To my girlfriend. I kept lying and pretending. And then I went back to university and probably went into the darkest three months of my life.

I didn't go to anything university related that entire term. No lectures. No labs. No tutorials. Not even a single society meet or D&D game. I sat in my room and tried to block out the feelings. Mostly by playing video games until I feel asleep. In between the games I wanked or I wept. I cut myself. I came closer to killing myself than I ever have. And still I kept on pretending. I pretended for my girlfreind. I pretended for my parents. I pretended for myself. I lied to them. I lied to myself. Never have I felt so terrible in my entire life.

It fell apart when my girlfriend asked be about my exams. They were in two weeks when she asked me. I hadn't known that until she asked. I broke down. I told her everything. I don't think she's ever felt so betrayed. She's still with me though. I still haven't quite figured that one out. I guess she really does love me.

I went back for the last term. For about two weeks there I was like a new man. I talked to all the university officials. I talked to my doctor. I cleaned my room and ate proper food. I started to catch up on work. And then they asked me to choose.

I need to choose whether I retake the whole second year, meaning I will have retaken both the first and second years, or whether I suck it up and try and take the exams in August, learning most a years worth of material in about 10 weeks.

It broke me. I haven't been sleeping, I haven't been eating. It's 5am as I'm typing this. I've been sitting and I've been staring. I can't choose. It's tearing me apart and I don't know how to choose. I know it's not the end of the world but it feels like it. Again, I've been hiding it. Partly because I wanted to be happy with my girlfriend as she just left for a years work in Japan. Partly because thinking about it is making me go insane. I don't know how to deal with these feelings anymore. I know I shouldn't get stuck in the cycle. I know about triggers and positive thought and breathing. But it's like I want to be like this and I can't stop myself. It's like my brain is trying to kill my body by constantly making it so stressed my heart explodes. Or making me take my own life.

I'm not sure how to manage this anymore. I don't want to die but sometimes it feels like there's no other way out. Everything feels like it hurts now. Not that I think I'll actually end up killing myself though. I know too much about how people die when they die violently. It doesn't appeal, apart from a philosophical standpoint.

If you've gotten this far, thank you. If you don't have anything to say that's fine. If you think I just need to get over myself that's fine too. If you want to drop me a message that's also fine. But the fact that you've read it means a lot. I don't think I've typed out the uglier aspects of the story that often. I've recounted it many times to doctors and counsellors but maybe this will help. Maybe it won't. Thanks for reading again though.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go yell at the rising sun to get rid of all this stress I just built up so I don't stab myself. And then maybe go to sleep.

Edit: Just had one of the most severe panic attacks in a while. Tooks some beta blockers and I've calmed down a bit. Going to go to bed now. Love you all.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 03 Jun 2014, 21:22

*Hugs* :|

That can't have been easy to write out, but helpfully it did help collect your thoughts. I don't think I can make any suggestions about which route you should take in university, but neither strikes me as the wrong choice.

It sounds like the people that are going to be able to help you most are your parents and your girlfriend, but I get how hard it must be to bring up these things and express your thoughts. Feel free to disregard this if you don't think it would help, but the first thing that jumps to mind is that you now have a fairly detailed description of your dilemma and how you feel about it. So maybe the best thing is to send them an email (or equivalent) and just copy the relevant paragraphs from your post. Trim out anything you aren't comfortable sharing, but I think you'll find it easier to work from what you've written here then to stare at a blank message and think about how to say it. And maybe once they're caught up on the situation, it might be easier to talk in person or on the phone, but if you think it's easier to communicate in text, tell them that would be your preference.

I don't have any sort of expertise on these subjects, and I can't say for sure if that suggestion is right for your situation. But know that I (and a lot of other people on here) read your post, and will read any future ones you want to make.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 04 Jun 2014, 05:33

I read your posts, and can understand how you feel, my anxiety has never been as severe as yours, but mine is along the same lines. I agree with Falcon, I think trying to talk to those close to you will help, because the lies and the hiding of the truth just makes the anxiety and anguish worse.

I can't advice you on what to do for the choices, I can only tell you what I'd do in your case. If I'm having a lot of anxiety problems I try not to give myself a bigger workload, because I know it'll just make me feel worse, so I would take the option that takes longer, but allows me to not have to deal with everything all at once.

I also suggest trying to see if you could meet a professional on a regular basis and speak about your anxiety, odds are they'll have ways to help you.

*hugs Madrak tight* You WILL get through this, I know you will. Just get support from those who love you, and take your anxiety seriously and get some help. It's not a failure to do so, it's smart.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 04 Jun 2014, 09:26

Alright, Madrak, I need you to make a list for me. I want you to figure out a general overview of what you would need to learn in order to take the exams. You don't even have to do it all at once, just figure out what you would need to learn to take one exam, write it down here, go do something else for an hour, and repeat. Also, I want you to make sure you have at least one full meal before you start on this.

I would suggest trying to organize your room in between making the list, as well, but that just always makes me feel better. I don't want to put any pressure on you to do it, so you don't have to.

Can you try to get this done before midnight tomorrow (Thursday)? If you know what you would need to do, then you can better make that decision.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 04 Jun 2014, 10:21

Dude... *internet hugs* I've felt those feelings. Not quite as severe, but they are certainly familiar. You will get through this if you allow yourself to let others help you. I am an expert at building up walls around myself and not letting anyone in. It's a nice and comfortable prison I've built for myself, most of the time. But it's just that: a prison. I've learned the hard way that you cannot stay alone in your prison. It's not good for you. You need to let in those that care about you. Your girlfriend, your parents... You've opened a crack to let us in, and we appreciate it. However, you now have to let in at least one other person, and specifically a person you trust, who trusts you, and is in a position to actually help you do something. We'd love to help where we can, but we're all around the world and not near you, and there are times when you just need help from someone who's actually physically there.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 04 Jun 2014, 10:46

Fayili wrote:Alright, Madrak, I need you to make a list for me. I want you to figure out a general overview of what you would need to learn in order to take the exams. You don't even have to do it all at once, just figure out what you would need to learn to take one exam, write it down here, go do something else for an hour, and repeat. Also, I want you to make sure you have at least one full meal before you start on this.

I would suggest trying to organize your room in between making the list, as well, but that just always makes me feel better. I don't want to put any pressure on you to do it, so you don't have to.

Can you try to get this done before midnight tomorrow (Thursday)? If you know what you would need to do, then you can better make that decision.


What Fayili said- get your head in the right space first, set yourself a schedule and stick to it.

As a purely personal opinion and one completely devoid of sufficient information, I say go for it in August. You're clearly bright enough to have been considered by Oxford so I reckon you are capable of hacking the revision- I'm finishing up first year Engineering exams at the moment and have seen people learn entire subjects basically from scratch in a matter of days. You can do this. And if it's anything engineering-related, I'll happily offer assistance over the summer.

But Fayili's right- info first, decisions afterward.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 04 Jun 2014, 11:20

Deedles wrote:I also suggest trying to see if you could meet a professional on a regular basis and speak about your anxiety, odds are they'll have ways to help you.


Firstly that |^|

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:You can do this. And if it's anything engineering-related, I'll happily offer assistance over the summer.


And also this.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby madrak_the_red » 04 Jun 2014, 19:49

Hey guys. Thanks for your messages. And thanks again for reading. Jamfalcon- yeah, that was part of the reason I felt like posting. Actually righting it all out maybe flushed out a little bit. I figured it's time to get this shit out in the open. Deedles- I've had a couple meetings with the student support service, and they've referred me to the mental health service. I need to see what will come of that.

Fayili-I think I will try and do that. Itemising stuff will probably be helpful. Memo- you're right, I do need to try and let someone close to me in. It tears at my heart every time I try, but you're right. I need to let someone in. Ix and Dutch Guy- Thanks guys. I'm studying materials science so maybe I will call you out on that :P

Thanks again guys. I'm just about to hit the hay. I'll try and remember to update a bit. Figure that might help. And actually start be *doing* something again. Night night.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby leapy » 05 Jun 2014, 05:30

Madrak, how are your sleep patterns? I know that I always feel ready to tackle things when I've been sleeping properly. It's a simple thing but I'm always amazed by how much of a diffrence it makes.

-----------

My problem isn't depression (though God knows that's been a part of it) I've recently become aware of some of my own self destructive patterns. Basically I self sabotage, a lot. My current suitation is actually a little similar to Madrak's, though not nearly as severe. I'm a (mature) student on a university access course on track to study mechanical engineering. I got offers through from all the 5 unis I applied to through UCAS, 2 of which were Russel Group. I know I'm smart enough to finish the course with high marks. At the start of the year I was filled with enthueasm aaaannnd... I proceded to procratinate to the point where I have a bunch of work out standing. I'm half way through exam week my revision has been woefull, despite the full week off work (and the reduced hours the week before) that I set aside to revise/catch up in. THAT got eaten up with reading fiction, playing games and generly doing nothing.

I know why I do this. It's basically down to chronacally low self esteem, mostly as a result of being bullied in one way or another throughout both primary and secondary school and a fear of failure that I picked up from my chronically insecure mother (MISTAKES ARE BAD and YOU WILL GET IN TROUBLE IF YOU GET ONE THING WRONG !!) Add to that a bunch of old "social survival" mechanisms (oh yeh, there's a massive amount of social anxaity in there too) and learned helplessness and you've got a recipie for a 28 year old underachiver with their self esteem in the toilet.

I was seeing the college counciler, that did help but has since now ended (each person only gets 12 sessions) and I'm going to attempt to get some more help but it's unceartain (it's probably not going to happen through the NHS, they'll only pick up a referal from the local GPs if there's a danger of you hurting yourself or others) and I'm totally skint so I'm pretty much stuck with my local mental health charity.

So that's it. Basically I'm just writing to get it all out and to ask if anybodys got any practical advice, anything I can do to stop the usual self destructive patterns?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 05 Jun 2014, 06:09

From my experience, people. Just all the goddamn people. Don't matter what it is, whether they be people you meet through the course, or through some society you go & join, or through sport (to my mind, anyone who doesn't at least try some sport or other during university is doing themselves a disservice), just spend as much time as possible talking to people. Give yourself an external outlet where your own personal demons and insecurities don't mean squat, and spend as much time with as many different people as possible. If they're people you know through your course, try to schedule some revision time together- it won't be as productive as individual sessions in a lot of cases, but you will work at a steady rate and it's so much better for one's mental state. Social awkwardness is undoubtedly a thing, but to quote a fantastic piece of advice I was given once "If you don't have confidence, fake it; it will come". Even the chronically awkward can have mates, and I should know- I was one of them for too long a time.

There is the added benefit that physical activities get your body pumped full of endorphins (I've never felt more alive than immediately after being punched in the face), but that's just a useful aside.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 07 Jun 2014, 02:52

Be nice if I experienced the thought "What's the point?" less often.

I want to finish my 10 Pokemon drawings for a Blogpost I want to do, but I am thinking:
"What's the point? I will then just have 10 drawings. I will then have to write a blogpost using them. I will then get nothing from doing it. What's the point?"
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Nex Vesica » 07 Jun 2014, 19:50

Hate to have such an early post be depressing, but hey, writing about stuff can legitimately help, and if nothing else the actual writing itself provides a good distraction.

So, quick obligatory back story, I had a rough childhood and as such, a very strained relationship with my family. I'm sure it isn't the worst thing in the world, and I know tons of other people have had similar/worst experiences growing up. Anyway, it wasn't all bad growing up because, cats. I was basically a crazy cat lady, except a kid...and male. I always liked cats when I was little, but for whatever reason we didn't get one until I was in my preteen years.

There was this gray kitty, now named Luna, that we used to see outside, and at first we thought she belonged to someone, but we eventually found out she was sleeping in our shed. We started to feed her and she grew attached to us, anytime we'd go outside she'd be there, and she'd constantly try and run inside the house whenever the door opened. Usually if she did get inside she'd just run over to a pile of clothing and curl up on it. Eventually we decided to adopt her and it was a big deal to little me because I had someone in the house who gave me all this affection and I could talk to, even if she didn't understand.

Cut to about ten years later and I was told she had to go the vet because she was having trouble eating. When we first got her she had to have some teeth removed so it wasn't that big of a deal. She did have a mouth infection and they were going to do surgery, then the day of I was told they didn't do the surgery because they found weird lumps, so we had to schedule another appointment and now they think she has cancer. I think its intestinal, but I'm not even sure since I'm hearing this all from my family and again, strained relations there. We're supposed to know more on Monday and we're going to decide as a family whether we get her treatment or put her down or whatever else the vet suggests, but my mom has already been talking about how expensive the last few visits have been and my sister has also all but given up on her. Its extra frustrating because my family is stubborn so even though they complain about vet costs and say we're supposed to be handling this as a family, that seems to translate into only them paying for it.

On a more positive note, Luna doesn't seem to be in any pain. She isn't super energetic either, but she's still walking around and eating and purrs whenever she's around people, and it really helps to see that she seems to be happy. Its still been a pretty huge downer this past week, and I was really grateful for all the extra streaming and what not this past week. I actually watched some of it with my kitty, who seemed to appreciate all the stuff moving around on screen if nothing else.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby leapy » 09 Jun 2014, 12:29

Nex Vesica wrote:On a more positive note, Luna doesn't seem to be in any pain. She isn't super energetic either, but she's still walking around and eating and purrs whenever she's around people, and it really helps to see that she seems to be happy. Its still been a pretty huge downer this past week, and I was really grateful for all the extra streaming and what not this past week. I actually watched some of it with my kitty, who seemed to appreciate all the stuff moving around on screen if nothing else.


It's amazing how much animals can mean to us. Look at it this way, as you say she doesn't seem to be in pain, she's had what seems to be a more or less normal life-span (how old do you think she was when you got her?) and for most of that she has been loved.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:From my experience, people. Just all the goddamn people.


Yeh, for years I've thought of myself as an introvert, then I realised that I'm probably just socially retarded.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:There is the added benefit that physical activities get your body pumped full of endorphins (I've never felt more alive than immediately after being punched in the face), but that's just a useful aside.


Lat time I got punched in the face I seriously thought about filling a sports bottle with petrol, spraying all aver the guy who did it and then flicking a lighted match after it. Thankfully sanity prevailed, but but not before I went and bought the petrol.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 10 Jun 2014, 05:18

leapy wrote:
My pseudonym is Ix wrote:From my experience, people. Just all the goddamn people.


Yeh, for years I've thought of myself as an introvert, then I realised that I'm probably just socially retarded.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:There is the added benefit that physical activities get your body pumped full of endorphins (I've never felt more alive than immediately after being punched in the face), but that's just a useful aside.


Lat time I got punched in the face I seriously thought about filling a sports bottle with petrol, spraying all aver the guy who did it and then flicking a lighted match after it. Thankfully sanity prevailed, but but not before I went and bought the petrol.


I should probably clarify- I'm a kickboxer and was sparring, not a straight fist fight. And I've played rugby for 12 years, so clearly getting casually beaten up is just my jam :)

On the other note- I always thought similarly of myself and frequently described myself as socially awkward. I stopped after I mentioned this within earshot of a friend of mine who simply said "no you're not" and continued the conversation. Turns out very few people are genuinely bad at conversation if they set their mind to it and get sufficient practice.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 11 Jun 2014, 18:52

A friend of mine introduced me to a chatroom they frequent and I'm terrified of them because they're being very friendly toward me. I don't know any of these people and they don't know me, yet they're conversing with me like I've been in the chat for a long time. This really bothers me because either the friend who brought me in said/did something to make them act this way, which is worrisome, but if they didn't and the people are legitimately acting this friendly toward me, what happens if I screw it up? Honestly, I'd prefer them to be rude to newcomers like about everywhere else on the internet is; I'd feel a lot more at home if I knew I had to earn my friendship.

I know this line of thinking is irrational, but that doesn't change how I feel.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 11 Jun 2014, 21:13

That's a fair thought. But keep in mind that the level of dickishness of the internet is tied to the size of the group. If this is a smaller chat (Like the DB Survivors chat), it's possible they're being nice because they don't need to be jerks. And if your friend vouched for you, that'd likely be enough for most people in a community like that.

As for screwing up... as long as you don't actively insult people, you're normally fine. If you do something wrong by mistake, you can apologize. At that point it's all you can do.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Smeghead » 12 Jun 2014, 21:33

I turned 30 today :(
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 13 Jun 2014, 00:14

On the other hand, cake.

Also, you have to admit that turning 30 makes no actual difference on a day-to-day basis.

Break your routine, go do something unusual and/or fun.

Something that's been weighing heavily on my mind recently: I interact with so few people in person that I think I'm losing the ability to smile naturally.

Seriously, it comes out as a smirk or a gurn.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Master Gunner » 13 Jun 2014, 07:34

Smiling has never come naturally to me. Then again, neither has interacting with people, so this data point is meaningless.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 13 Jun 2014, 07:37

I've never been much of a smiler. My default expression is decidedly neutral- I smile when I laugh or when the mood is particularly ripe for it, but otherwise it's not a typical expression for me. And I seem to get by basically OK.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 13 Jun 2014, 13:04

I smile if I'm laughing, or it's a humorous conversation, otherwise I only really smile if I'm in a particularly good mood. Most of the time my expression is fairly neutral, or just pondering.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 13 Jun 2014, 14:39

Why am I so drained and exhausted lately? Why can't I even get up the energy to do the things I enjoy anymore, let alone things I have to do, but don't enjoy? Why do I no longer derive happiness from the things that I like? What is wrong with me?

And why the bus do I keep getting these headaches every day?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 13 Jun 2014, 16:47

I am leaving Australia, my home for the last four years, in a couple days.
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