The depressing depression thread

[Ptangmatik]

well, you had a wonderful time there. If you'd had a terrible time, you'd be happy you were leaving, so be glad that you'll miss it so much?

Not that such a feeling can be so easily resolved, of course.

[RytelCSF]

A coworker called me smart (as a legitimate compliment) at work today, and all it did was send me into a spiral of depressing and destructive thoughts.

Because I'm not smart. I'm actually quite stupid. But I'm good at taking standardized tests, and so people have assumed I'm smart my entire life.

I'll (unfortunately) never forget the day, having recently graduated high school with a 3.6 GPA and being very proud of that fact, that my mother told me "Come on, we all know you could've gotten a 4.0 if you had actually tried!" And I never felt proud of it ever again.

I hate that thought because I'm never going to be perfect, but that idea always comes back: you're not perfect, so you must not really be trying. I struggle at a lot of things, and I try harder than most people I know at certain things only to invariably end up worse than them at it.

I'm just not good. I'm stupid. I'm unskilled. And I wish I had thrown those tests all those years ago, because then maybe someone would actually believe it.

[JustAName]

Rytel, do you think that I'm stupid? Do you think that I'm lazy? My mother constantly told me that I must be lazy, because I was capable of getting better grades. I do great on standardized tests. I was quite a smart child. That does not change the fact that my peers caught up to me as I grew, and that's something I struggle with all the time. The idea of mediocrity. But you know what? I'm not mediocre. I'm not stupid, and neither are you. Not being perfect does not mean you are worthless. Please remember that.

[AdmiralMemo]

Dude, I know that feel sometimes. It's terrible. I'm a smart guy, so why do I sometimes do stupid things? Why are there times when I know I could do better, and I don't? Is it because I'm not really trying?

You know what all that is? It's depression talking. Depression is telling you you're stupid and worthless when you're not. I fight it, and you should, too. Maybe you need to see a counselor if it's that bad, though.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Depression is telling you you're stupid and worthless when you're not.

So.

Much.

This.

[Ptangmatik]

Panic attack at work, and it was such a lovely day until then too.

Thank fuck I'm in and office of one, and i'm going home in an hour, i cant concetrate any more.

[AdmiralMemo]

OK, forget what I said... I'm apparently legitimately a stupid idiot, according to LRR...

Why can't I do anything right?

[Deedles]

What happened, Memo?

[AdmiralMemo]

To paraphrase what Alex said on one of his streams, "I can't normal people."

Apparently, I was being inadvertently offensive to some people without realizing it?

This, combined with my meltdown during the Mafia games in the forum is just highlighting that I'm either an Aspie or maybe full-blown autistic when it comes to interpersonal skills.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

If it makes any difference Memo, I've never had any evidence of you coming across as offensive to me in any capacity. You've always seemed like a pretty chill dude.

[AdmiralMemo]

And 90% of the time, you're right. I'm usually a nice guy. But there are certainly times I'll Jekyll and Hyde on people. The tiniest little insignificant thing to other people might be something I rage and seethe over.

And then, there are other times I'll just blithely say something that comes out wrong and people take it the wrong way, and then, I'll end up in an argument where someone will be like "Well, it's perfectly obvious that [X]..." and I'll be like "No, it isn't." and they'd be like "How could you miss that? It's completely the normal, sensible thing that normal people do," and so on.

[Dutch guy]

Nobody is "normal" and its the stupid assumption that someone IS that creates many a fight. Also Alex =/= LRR as a whole. And as far as Alex goes he too seems like a very chill dude with some abnormalities.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

I haven't actually seen this stream so don't reckon I can offer a true opinion without context.

[AdmiralMemo]

Nobody is "normal" and its the stupid assumption that someone IS that creates many a fight. Also Alex =/= LRR as a whole. And as far as Alex goes he too seems like a very chill dude with some abnormalities.

Oh, I think you misunderstand... It wasn't Alex who called me out. It was Graham. (At least, I think it was, because it was the LRR account in chat, and that's usually Graham.)

I just paraphrased what Alex said on-stream about himself from a couple of weeks back (during Child of Light, IIRC), because it felt appropriate, explained the situation, and I empathized, so I applied it to myself. Perhaps that's why I like watching Alex stream so much: I see myself in him. (And also why I got really salty a couple of months ago when he and Kathleen were frequently trading streams, which landed him straight into the time-slot that I'm unavailable to watch him, while leaving me with Kathleen's stream, which bores me. (No offense intended regarding Kathleen herself. It's the games I don't like.))

I haven't actually seen this stream so don't reckon I can offer a true opinion without context.

It was yesterday's Crossing the Streams: SkyGrid. Specifically, towards the beginning.

[Bebop Man]

Another dead girl in the 5 o'clock news. Does this thing happen often in your neck of the woods?

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Another dead girl in the 5 o'clock news. Does this thing happen often in your neck of the woods?

A South African friend of mine was talking to a group of us (white middle class English almost to a man) a while ago about his group of classmates- there'd been 40 of them when he'd started his education and 8 of them are still alive. Understandably, we were all a little shocked by this and some of his other stories, and one member of our group was heard to say 'that's insane'. I'm paraphrasing, but his response went along the lines of 'No it isn't. Most of the rest of the world has to put up with the ever-present fear of violence and has done for most of history. You are the weird ones'

[Ptangmatik]

Editing a paper that is vehemently calling for armed insurrection in South Korea. Also, he can't spell for shit.

Sigh.

Edit: And now he's misquoted Stephen Hawking.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Your job is really starting to teach you about the weird bit of the human mind isn't it Ptang?

[Master Gunner]

I'm not sure what Stephen Hawking has to do with South Korea, but now I'm intrigued.

[Ptangmatik]

I sometimes I wonder if I attract this kind of crap be being slightly widdershins mentally-wise myself.

Fortunately Gunner, I somehow forget work once I've finished and submitted it. Honest injun, all I can really remember about it now was its wordcount.

[Geoff_B]

Maybe the company is wiping your mind so you don't reveal secrets? Like in Paycheck?

I hate being in the office when its really warm. I just want to fall asleep.

[Ptangmatik]

(paraphrased) Napoleon apparently gathered allies together to battle the great Buddha five times.

I... I just...

I guess I missed that episode of the power rangers.

Edit: I should explain: Some people see the price for getting something translated, and go: screw that, I'll use Google Translate, then get it proofread, since that's cheaper.

These are not sensible people.

Edit Edit: Grand Buddha = Pope! Of course! How could I have been so blind? Wow, that is one of my weirder moments of realisation.

Edit Edit Edit: I've picked another winner and started leaving passive aggressive comments like "The first word of a sentence should be capitalized."

Oh the headaches. I'm nearly out of paracetamol.

[EikoandMog]

So, uh, anyone who is on medication for their depression. Don't forget it two days in a row. Holy crap, was I always that anxious?

[My pseudonym is Ix]

...aaand you just reminded me I forgot to take mine today

[RytelCSF]

Did I used to enjoy things?

I'm pretty sure at some point in the past I must have legitimately enjoyed things and not just thought of them as stepping stones toward potential friends or potential fun. Just liking something on its own merit because I wanted to do it, and nothing else.

I honestly can no longer remember what that was like.