The depressing depression thread

[Elomin Sha]

Family were over yesterday. I was given a compliment about something I did a few months back. While it was completely innocent it triggered a mixture of things inside, it has made me sad for the past day, and will do for a while longer.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Started a new job today, and it went... OK. Lotta HR bullshit in the morning, then some nonspecific durdling about in the afternoon, which I can't complete because my copy of NX isn't ****ing working (will try again in a bit). I'm still getting to learn the ropes and the people, and I haven't seen my friends in a while. Feeling a bit meh, all in all.

I think now is the time to be putting my Citalopram dose back up to once a day...

[Psycat Aurora]

So I'm on welfare essentially and I just found out that I will not be getting paid at all this month because I received a paycheque for $200 in June from my last job that I quit in March. They're also taking all of my employment insurance money. I'm supposed to get $600 a month to live on plus medication coverage. After some emergency vet bills that used up most of last month's cheque, I don't have enough money to pay my rent or credit card, or any bills for that matter. They won't be covering my medication either which means I might not be able to afford that this month. I've also been waiting to hear back on two jobs for two weeks now while being told to wait and see what happens. I'm stuck with no money and no idea what to do.

[Rikadyn]

I hate life, all the little fucking teases of happinesss....

It began last fall when I was talked into applied to study abroad in Japan. I interviewed, did well, then they called me in for an unexpected interview where they passive aggressively tried to get me reconsider because I'm a big guy. Sadly it worked, because I tried to withdraw, but my Japanese professor who wasn't involved with the 2nd meeting and didin't know it was happening asked me why and I told him how I felt without mentioning anything from the second meeting and he had my application kept in place.

For my program we were all accepted by my home university late, which caused issues with being able to apply for scholarships. Also but I applied for those I could get done before their deadlines and well I don't think I recieved a goddamn one.

Come a month ago, The Japanese University began to act like they wanted to deny me because the study abroad coordinator made it sound like I had a bunch of special needs and they weren't sure how my quality of life would be or if they would be able to assist me at all. So again I get dicked around with but eventually they accept me.

This whole time of needing to wait I had also been monitoring the airfare and it had slowly been ramping up so ended up needing to have my father take out a loan for me, as I haven't been employed, otherwise I wouldn't be going to school anyway...to bolster my finance to just get to japan, as also the medical expenses required in the application were more than expected.

Last week I was accepted to the school in japan, bought my plane tickets finally and really set to work getting a hard budget numbers figured out. Now only reason I applied is because they promised the money would be available to cover our needs, and even with my financial aid, I think I am fucked for actually being able to go and afford it, because all of their budget estimates failed to include things like utilities and the like till now. So when I made my rough budgets to seek funding in the winter I was fine, now I am most certainly fucked.

Every step of this whole process it's been just giving me enough to be excited then punching me in the dick...and boy has that worked wonders for my mood. If I have to pull out of the program this late, I will have to miss the fall semester probably, as registration was in March.

It sounds bad, but really this whole thing is working it's way to breaking me...I'm tired of fighting to find a glimmer of hope in life, just to find it to be a well polished turd. I'm tired of playing this game...and well, to quote Nine Inch Nails "I'm down to just one thing, and I'm beginning to scare myself"

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Yeah, university overseas departments are the absolute shits by all accounts. I'd say to ignore all their bullshit if that wasn't an entirely stupid concept- a friend of mine had to pay £17,000 to come to the university that has dad works out, only to have the government (his hatred to Theresa May knows no bounds) keep trying to have various members of his family thrown out of the country. Now he's going back to uni in his home country- several thousand miles away, in a town he's never been in before and in an environment that, by reputation at least, completely conflicts with his political/social beliefs. Thankfully he's the kind of person who can take that kind of thing in his stride, but yeah- you are not alone.

The only real advice I can offer is to consider giving it a year for the admin department to get their shit together and for you to make a bit of money, and to let you clear your head a bit. And to stay strong- know that when you get there, it will have been worth it

[AdmiralMemo]

Feeling my age a bit...

Guy I used to know in Boy Scouts, who is only a year older than me, is getting gray hair...

Time, you heartless monster!

[My pseudonym is Ix]

One of my friends got engaged the other day- dude is goddamn 19. That was a wake-up call that adulthood is now a thing

[Master Gunner]

Eh, adulthood is what you make of it. A few people I know have gotten married or had kids by now, but they are strictly the minority.

[Elomin Sha]

At this moment, I think 198.7 million people. Brazil.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

That was pretty... spectacular. Almost not worth watching now, the big event has been and gone. It's not like anything will top that.

[Master Gunner]

I've seen teams reverse that kind of situation before. But this is almost too brutal.

[Ptangmatik]

Wasn't sure where to put this, as its not a vent or anything, but I just blew a small pile of dust off my desk, which revealed that it was actually a small pile of mouse poo, hair, etc.

I am now twitchy, itchy (not allergic or anything, just a anxiety reaction) and trying desperately not to cough.

[Kapol]

Wasn't sure where to put this, as its not a vent or anything, but I just blew a small pile of dust off my desk, which revealed that it was actually a small pile of mouse poo, hair, etc.

I am now twitchy, itchy (not allergic or anything, just a anxiety reaction) and trying desperately not to cough.

I know that feeling quite well sadly. We've had mice for months now. I won't eat bread anymore if it's not been closed up, which given the person who eats the bread never closes it, means I haven't really just had bread in months. I'm worried they've gotten into everything. So it's just kind of super-stressful. It doesn't help that I'm a bit germaphobic.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Feeling a bit down atm. I'm alone in the house, and even though I've been going out with friends a decent bit it's somehow... lacking. I don't feel like I want to see them, which is a bad sign. Work is going OK, but is tiring and leaving me surprisingly short on time. Once again, I'm feeling lonely- acutely aware of all the things in life that I feel I'm missing, most of which I won't admit to because I'm still too goddamn insecure to talk about them. And now a mixture of Assassin's Creed being tortuous to install and the discussion in the feminism thread are collectively sapping my patience (I do so detest arguing). I just want a day completely to myself, for everything to just work and for some kind of purpose to come back.

Damn I'm feeling lonely. Particularly when I have no goddamn right to

[AdmiralMemo]

When you have the inclination to write a message to someone, then delete it, then write half of it again, then delete it, then write it again a different way, then delete it again, etc. etc. all on the fear that you'll be misunderstood by the other party, to the point where it never gets sent... That's what I have right now.

[Ptangmatik]

Update on that mouse poo at work: seems it was bat poo, because I managed to get the bat out the window by waving at it. Weird. Still, glad to be home and on my weekend, and to be rid of it.

[Jamfalcon]

You should borrow my cat. She's letting the moles run rampant because she's learned how to hunt bats. I've tried explaining to her that they eat mosquitos so they're good, but she just refuses to see reason.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I'm wondering how much of my "wanting to be a Youtube channel content maker" is down to the huge social void that's been left inside of me.

Maybe I should do a social history of myself in hope it might explain me to myself and to you.

Age 1 untill 3 1/2 Had a best friend that lived next door. When I was three and a half, my family moved away. I never spoken to him since.

Age 3 1/2 to 6 Had a best friend that lived in the same village as me. However, he seemed to enjoy spending time with my sister more than me. He moved away when I was six.

Age 6 to 7 Had a friend that was progressing towards best friend. He moved away.

Age 7 Had almost a friend. He moved away.

Age 8 until 11 Had a best friend. Though he kept telling me about things he did with his friend in his previous school. He's tell me about things he was doing with his friend in his previous school. He told me of things he was going to do with his friend in the previous school. He moved away.

Age 11 until 13 Made friends who was my previous friend's friend. He vanished. I had to hunt him down online to ask if he was OK. Learnt his mum was ill so he had to move away.


Age 18 Joined an awesome WoW guild. That disbanded a year later. Very messy disband.
Age 19 Same above.
Age 20 until 21 Same above. But made real life friends through some of them.
21 until 23 Those real life friends stop talking to me and don't explain why. Some reject my requests to play with them due to the power of my system.

23 until present Yeah. um. Why does everyone seem to fuck off? Why can't I claimed that I have a friend that I've been friends with for a loooonnngggg time like every body else?

[My pseudonym is Ix]

'Everybody else' is a... slightly presumptuous statement.

Like me, for example.

[Bebop Man]

the discussion in the feminism thread are collectively sapping my patience (I do so detest arguing)

I think I posted there once but as a general rule I stay the hell away from there.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

the discussion in the feminism thread are collectively sapping my patience (I do so detest arguing)

I think I posted there once but as a general rule I stay the hell away from there.

Normally, so do I; I think there may be one of my posts there, but I have no wish to make myself even more pissed off. But it's still an issue I care about and even if I don't want to get involved, I can't help reading it. Which is annoying.

[AdmiralMemo]

You're not alone, Merry. Outside this forum, I have... maybe 2 IRL friends total? And I haven't seen them in in any significant capacity in about 5 years.

For me, there were no friends in the neighborhood, besides 1, which I'll get to later.

I had some friends in school from Kindergarten through Second Grade. Then, I was forced to change schools due to my family not getting along with my racist Second Grade teacher, Mrs. Conway. That was for the best in most terms, but I lost a bunch of friends through that. Third through Fifth Grade, I was at another school, and had friends there. But I had to switch schools again, because the school only went up to Fifth Grade. So that switch made me lose those friends. I finally settled in a third school from Sixth through Twelfth Grade. During those 6 years, despite being a bit of an outcast, I made SOME friends that I bonded with. However, after graduation, they might has well have fallen off the planet for all I saw them.
I was in Boy Scouts from Tiger Cubs all the way until I was 18. There were few people I bonded with that lasted more than 2 or 3 years, though.
So, out of all that, the longest I got to know someone was 6 years.

The exception is the friend I met when I was 3 and she was 5: Jenny. We were best friends, almost by necessity. During high school years, we transitioned to being girlfriend and boyfriend, but it was certainly an odd coupling. So, I kept her as a girlfriend for longer after everyone else was gone. This includes the fact that in the middle of high school, her family moved a couple hundred miles away, so it was a long-distance relationship for a good while.

In the early 2000s, a few years after I graduated high school, she moved back to Baltimore, and we continued our relationship. However, I believe it was in 2006, there was an incident that made me realize how blinded by love and familiarity I was. Jenny just up and moved to Nova Scotia, chasing after another guy she met through an Internet friend. I didn't find out what happened to her for 2 months, and that was due to her calling me and asking me for $600 because her car was broken in Canada and she wanted to return home. That incident snapped me into reality, and put into clarity many of her previous actions that were insane that I had overlooked before. That's when we broke up, with her stuck in Canada, since her family wouldn't help her either. They were tired of her crap, too. And then, when the border laws changed, she was REALLY stuck, since she didn't need her passport when she went TO Canada, but when she tried to get back, she needed it, and couldn't get it, because it was down here in Baltimore. (She eventually did get back, straighten things out, and went straight back to Canada.)

So, out of all that, I'm only left with a friend I met in college that I talk to frequently on the Internet, but have only actually seen once every few years.

That left me with Internet relationships.

First, there was a Star Trek role-playing chat room that I was in from the late 90s through the mid 2000s. Through that time, there were several changes in management and hosting before the group ended up slowly disbanding through attrition.

Then, there was a forum based around one of the first Internet webcomics: Sev. It was doing "Web 2.0" before that term was even coined. Anyway, it was great and fun, and I had a good time with them. But then, John Cook, the creator of the comic, pretty much up and left in 2010, even though the site was floundering since 2008 at least. Much of the community left with it. However, I've found the old forum is still going, for one, and two, I've reconnected with another old fan via LRR. But in any case, most of that time in my life is gone and until recently, the friends went with it.

In the online gaming scene, I got involved with a couple groups running the original Half-Life via multiplayer maps. I got good involved with them, but drifted away to play Star Trek Online. That worked, too, but I ended up drifting away from that as well, though I want to go back. I hope I get a chance after my parents move into their rebuilt house.

I got hooked on Unskippable from the first episode, and that drew me into the larger LRR-sphere, though it took me 2 years to even come to the forums. This place has been my home and a good place for me for the past 3 years. I genuinely appreciate the fellowship I receive here.

However, there is still the physical isolation I've felt for the past 8 years now. There is only so much that virtual interaction can do, and without a physical human to contact, it can become very dark and depressing. I hope my recent learning that plummeting_sloth lives only 2 miles away might soon change that. We'll see.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Memo, note to self; if I ever cross the pond again, I'll stop off in Baltimore for a beer with you.

[AdmiralMemo]

Well, as a teetotaler, I will not have a beer, but we can go out for a drink of some sort, at least.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

You know, if MSN had been invented when I was a child, perhaps I'd be bleeding less socially.