The depressing depression thread

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Atifexe
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Atifexe » 05 Nov 2014, 17:27

I've really been struggling lately. There are many factors playing into it, but chief in my mind right now is my inability to figure out what I want to be doing with my life. I feel like that is in and of itself a major failure, like at 26 I should have already got this sorted and either be in school or recently graduated from post-secondary.

Of course, that's not all. My parents are having marital issues, and I can't help but feel that part of the cause is the stress of me still living at home and being unemployed. When I quit my last permanent job about two years ago, I expected to be working again before the New Year. Since then, I've had very few interviews, and the only actual work I've managed to find was a temporary position last November that turned out to be so stressful that I wound up initially giving notice on my third shift (I was convinced to stay, but as things failed to improve I wound up giving notice again within a week). Knowing that the stress was largely the result of me overthinking things doesn't help - my employer was convinced I would do well in the job, but between the owner's intense training methods, my own feelings of failure every time I finished a shift with sales that weren't enough to cover an hour's wages, and a few other factors, I just couldn't keep going with it.

I seem to meander a bit when writing...

At any rate, here we are in November. I've got a rental agreement with my parents that states I need to have $350 to give them for rent on the first of December, and I'm pretty sure that if I can't come up with it, I'll be receiving an eviction notice. I don't really have family to turn to for help - my sister's half a continent away, my father's struggling enough as is, etc. - and my last relationship estranged me from the few friends I had to the point where asking them for help would be like that one guy you knew back in high school popping up and asking if he could crash at your place indefinitely.

I'm trying to find work, and I'm having very little luck. My first interview since that temporary job last November took place two weeks ago tomorrow, and I haven't heard anything from them since. Tomorrow, I'm heading into town for a job fair and taking a good stack of resumes, but as it's something I've never done before and because I have a tendency to get really nervous talking to potential employers, I'm more or less terrified at this point. Offers of reassurance from friends have ultimately felt hollow.

I feel like I'm stressed to my limit. I'm afraid of what will happen if I can't find work, and given my job search track record I feel like it's very likely I won't be able to. I've applied for income assistance a while ago, but as I technically don't qualify and I haven't yet been issued an eviction notice, I'm not surprised that nothing's come of that.

On top of this particular set of stressful circumstances, I've been feeling depressed for some time. The thought that it'd be better for everyone involved if I were to just cease being a part of the picture has been very persistent, and very specific images of how I should make that happen pop into my head two or three times a day. I'm sleeping poorly, have no appetite, and struggle to find the drive necessary to keep looking for work each day.

I'm going to hit post now, before I talk myself out of it.
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Arclight_Dynamo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 05 Nov 2014, 18:21

Atifexe wrote:The thought that it'd be better for everyone involved if I were to just cease being a part of the picture has been very persistent, and very specific images of how I should make that happen pop into my head two or three times a day.


If this means what I think it might mean, you need to speak with a professional as soon as you can.

You're in BC. You can call 1-800-784-2433 if you are in crisis.

Do you feel at risk of harming yourself? Call 911 and go sit with someone.
Do you feel you can tell this to your parents? Do it right away and tell them you need help.
Do you have a family doctor? Make an appointment ASAP to get a referral.

Now, look, I may be wrong... but I'd rather post this stuff and look like an idiot than not post it.

There is help. For you. Right now. You just need to tell someone who cares about you, or call a professional.
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AdmiralMemo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 05 Nov 2014, 18:41

Dude... I've been where you are. Heck, those images you mention... I've had them, too. They're down to once a day or every other day for me. However, the community here is helping me through it. Depression is not something that will go away overnight, so strap yourself in for the long haul and let us help you. Skype me, text me, whatever, if you want. I also recommend Ix, who's been a big help to me.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 06 Nov 2014, 09:14

My Skype is Gniffish78, if you want someone to talk to. If I'm online, I'm able to talk.

Also Memo; thanks for saying that. Means a lot to know I'm helping some :)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 06 Nov 2014, 20:56

Having a really low day. One of those, "This thing I just took out of the freezer is really cold. It's hurting my hand. I should put it down. ...No I shouldn't, I deserve this." sorts of days.
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Prospero101
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Prospero101 » 08 Nov 2014, 09:57

Welp, the store where I work is going to be closed by the end of the year. Those 18 dependable hours per week were the one thing holding up this house of cards I call my life.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
It's all over but the crying. And the taxes.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Hiramas » 08 Nov 2014, 12:52

I have a really really bad week.
I basically lost my job with a very loose "maybe we will manage to find the budget" from my boss.
I am not sleeping well, always tired.
I disappointed my best friend when I missed the date she needed help moving.
I am sick and can hardly do anything right now.
And just a few minutes ago I heard that a lot of work i put in a project over the last few years basically fell apart.
Right now I basically wish I could cry, but I'm just sitting here. Kind of empty...

edit: interesting fact, klicking on #depression on tumbler brings you to a page asking if everything is all right and providing a help-line before showing you the entries.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 10 Nov 2014, 12:05

I'm cutting ties with the person who has been one of my best friends for over a decade.

I don't want to, but I feel like I have to. Recently he's begun serious talk about wanting to be in a relationship together, and I don't want that. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone; I'm not comfortable with the whole concept. He seemed to accept and respect that at first, but lately he's been much more aggressive about it, asking very inappropriate things of me, saying and doing inappropriate things, and making me feel more and more uncomfortable when I'm around him, and no matter what I say he seems to shrug it off, as though his plan is to eventually wear me down so he can get what he wants. So I'm cutting ties. If he can't respect "No," then I can't respect him.

At the same time, though, this really, really sucks. Not only was he my best friend, but he was basically my tether to social interaction IRL. All of my other friends are just people that I know through him. I'm going to have to make new friends, and I don't even know how I'm going to do that, much less if I'd be able to succeed. I'm not even sure how one makes friends in the first place. I've never really actively tried.

I know I'm making the right decision, but it's far from an easy one.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 10 Nov 2014, 13:25

We're proud of you, Rytel. It's really tough, but you're looking out for yourself in a very admirable way. Good job.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 11 Nov 2014, 02:15

I've been sinking recently. I just feel so hollow, its
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Deedles
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 11 Nov 2014, 02:18

RytelCSF wrote:I'm cutting ties with the person who has been one of my best friends for over a decade.

I don't want to, but I feel like I have to. Recently he's begun serious talk about wanting to be in a relationship together, and I don't want that. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone; I'm not comfortable with the whole concept. He seemed to accept and respect that at first, but lately he's been much more aggressive about it, asking very inappropriate things of me, saying and doing inappropriate things, and making me feel more and more uncomfortable when I'm around him, and no matter what I say he seems to shrug it off, as though his plan is to eventually wear me down so he can get what he wants. So I'm cutting ties. If he can't respect "No," then I can't respect him.

At the same time, though, this really, really sucks. Not only was he my best friend, but he was basically my tether to social interaction IRL. All of my other friends are just people that I know through him. I'm going to have to make new friends, and I don't even know how I'm going to do that, much less if I'd be able to succeed. I'm not even sure how one makes friends in the first place. I've never really actively tried.

I know I'm making the right decision, but it's far from an easy one.


At least know that we're here for ya, Rytel, alright? If there's anything I can do feel free to PM me or add me on Skype. And be proud of yourself, the decision you made is a difficult one for anyone to make, but you had the power to do so. :)
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AdmiralMemo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 11 Nov 2014, 12:33

Sounds like the right decision to me, but man, it will be rough. Think of it like cutting out a tumor, but you can't have anesthesia for whatever reason. It's for the best and you'll be better off in the long run, but it'll hurt like anything for a while. *hugs*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 11 Nov 2014, 14:19

OK, so... confession time. I lost my box of citalopram about a week ago, and decided 'you know what? I'm only on 10mg a day, and I've got a bunch of (unrelated) doctors appointments coming up if I need to renew it; let's try going off it for a while'.

Turns out, this was a really, really shit idea. I've been wobbling like mad for the last few days, finding it impossible to maintain any kind of emotional or mental consistency unless directly focused on a task. Had moments of feeling like utter death, others of feeling violent, and at dinner on Sunday I had to leave the table twice to go outside and find a tree to climb. I don't know how to explain any of this to my friends, and I've already had my counselling appointment for the week. Being tired, both from a heavy exercise schedule and simply not sleeping well, hasn't helped matters, but... man, this has felt so horrible. Just... so bad. It's actually got to the point of being physically painful thinking like this. Over the last few weeks the LRR streams have been able to keep me distracted during my painful moments and my down time, but obviously that isn't an option right now.

Seeing the doctor on Friday to renew my prescription (among other things). Until then, I guess I just gotta lay back and think of Desert Bus.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 11 Nov 2014, 15:32

Oh no no no no! Never think that you can cut back on your meds without consulting your doctor. Everyone I know, from my friends to my mom, has tried that at some point, and it's always gone poorly. If you're doing well, it's usually because the meds are working. D: Glad to hear that you're renewing them, though. I hope you do alright until then. You know we're here to listen.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 12 Nov 2014, 00:49

Here's the rub- I wasn't doing particularly well. Ever since I've gone back to counselling (and for a decent amount of time before since... y'know, I decided to go back to counselling), things have been getting harder and harder to manage. My doctor's talked about weaning me off the things before, since I'm on such a low dose, plus... I kinda wanted to experiment. I keep a lot of my personality buried and a lot of emotions parked, and it's a bit easier to bring them out for my counsellor to look at if I'm not looking at everything through the eye of a scientist making notes on a caged animal.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 12 Nov 2014, 04:16

Bleh, obviously not having a good day. Getting upset over goddamn roleplay.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby leapy » 12 Nov 2014, 09:37

RytelCSF wrote:I'm cutting ties with the person who has been one of my best friends for over a decade.



*Hug* I've been in a similar situation and I know how shitty it can be. Alas, all I can really offer right now is a metaphorical hug through the internet. This needn't be forever though, maybe in 6 months you'll be able to hang out together without any trouble. It's funny how time can change people's views on wanting to be with someone (I'm referring to him, not you, just in case you didn't realise)

My first 2 months at uni have been really hard for me, I find myself stressing about everything. I've tried counselling in the past and I tried again just before I came down here but it didn't seem to do much good. I'm wondering if I should go off to the doctors and see if there's any medication they can give me. Something so that I won't get so anxious, stressed or down about the massive amount of work I seem to have lumbered my self with.

It probably didn't help that I'm doing Mech Eng, maybe I can switch degrees, I don't know, basket weaving or something. :-/
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 14 Nov 2014, 14:43

I can't watch DB this year. I have everything I need to do so and I have watched the first few hours but I am having a Pavlovian response to something and is making me really sad and I can't enjoy watching. The same thing happened last year and I skipped most of it, this year it happened again. It's nothing to do with the event, the people or anything else, it's just my stupid brain. I hate it sometimes.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 14 Nov 2014, 14:52

:( You OK Elomin? Want to talk bout anything?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 14 Nov 2014, 15:24

I'll be fine, thank you. It's just something that I know the answer to but it's hard for me to confront.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby King Kool » 14 Nov 2014, 19:42

Wow. Elomin, gotta be honest. The same thing is happening to me. It's not WATCHING it that bugs me, but I get bored with it quickly and it's knowing it's going on and I'm NOT enjoying it is depressing me.

We have both traveled out to Victoria, so maybe that's the X-factor. I'm telling you, after doing nothing but Desert Bus for a week solid, watching it just doesn't cut it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 15 Nov 2014, 01:54

That sucks.
I never get bored with DB, I enjoy every minute but it's just one thing that flicks a switch and it is really silly to get sad about when there is no reason for it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 16 Nov 2014, 05:01

Why is it that when I ask anyone to do anything that's for my benefit, I feel like a needy, manipulative chump? It doesn't matter if they want to do it, either, or if it's something that makes everyone happy. I still feel bad that I had to ask. Why?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 16 Nov 2014, 05:07

Do you think you're taking advantage of someone?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 16 Nov 2014, 05:17

I do, yes, but there's no logical reason I can think of to feel that way in this particular situation, or most situations indeed. But I still feel like a chungus when my voice is heard and acted upon.

Edit: I think I may have identified something: I feel imposing. I'm already physically imposing due to size, but I don't want to "throw my weight around" with anyone. I don't want to intimidate. I'm like a giant Spoopifer, going "Hey there, can you do this thing for me that everyone will love? OK bye." And then, when it does happen, I feel like I influenced them unfairly.
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