The depressing depression thread

[Danielle Pepin]

I've never been so crushed about not being cast before. It's probably because I know literally everyone who auditioned as well as the director, stage manager, musical director and and LITERALLY EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THIS PRODUCTION and see them all on a regular basis, and every single one of them knows I didn't get a callback.

Add to that the fact that I was sort of counting on getting a role as legitimizing my major since I haven't really been in any shows...

I'm also sort of hating myself because I suspect part of the reason I wasn't called back is because the director doesn't trust me to make the commitment because I had a rough time in his class last semester and if I hadn't been such a fuck up then, then maybe he'd have had faith in me.

I felt like I was the only one that didn't get some sort of role on stage for that high school play because all my friends were in it and almost everyone I talked to that auditioned. My art class did the props which I was in charge of the face of the central main piece...but despite that my name didn't even show up among the backdrop or props crew on the play program credits. (There was marks for it as course credit since it took up class time though.)

[LokiTheLiar]

AdmiralMemo you seem to set really high standards for yourself and it's praiseworthy, but you should try a give yourself a break from time to time. You're an important member of the LRR community and it probably wouldn't be the same without you. You helped a bunch of people in this thread including me. The whole "good person" thing is really opinion based and varies from person to person so you can't really define what being a "good person" is. Even if you personally don't see yourself as a good person, I'm sure there are a lot of people who certainly do see you as one based on their definition of good. Please try not to worry about it and just be yourself.

Rikadyn, hang in there buddy. I've read your posts and I would really like to see your photos, is there a link to them somewhere that I missed?

[Duckay]

But even then, you say that humans deserve love, respect, and kindness, and I ask why? What source do you derive that from? How can I know it to be true? Isn't it just something we'd like to be true, that we wish or hope for, without an actual backing?

What I really meant by that is entirely socially-based (which is why, I'm sure, you're going to dismiss it, but hear me out first). I find it being based on "good people" more arbitrary and scary. Who is determining the definition of 'good people'? How is this emotional exchange working? What if I have loving feelings for someone who doesn't meet your definition of "good"? What if I slip up and do something bad and everyone stops loving me?

I find it much more of a comfort to turn to other things that society has shown me. Does the Declaration of Independence say that "good people" deserve life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Does the Golden Rule say "do unto others as you would have them do unto you, if they're good people"? No. Ultimately, human beings are social creatures (even if most of your social communication is online -- this counts as a community!) and one of the ways that we keep the community strong is by showing each other love, kindness and respect as a baseline for being a human being rather than because we know the other person has done good things.

Of course there are exceptions, I'm sure you can think of a hundred examples off-hand of assholes who showed disrespect to others. It wouldn't be too hard to find an example of me doing it, and I'm the one talking about all these high values. If you look, though, there's a hundred more of people showing each other those basic kindnesses.

I don't know, Memo. Maybe you don't like this approach either. I just find the idea that I'm a person so I deserve to be treated as one would treat any other random person a lot more comforting than the idea that someone will take away my love and respect if they find out that I thought, said, or did one too many bad things.

[AdmiralMemo]

So, the source basically is "we tried a thing and it tends to work."

I'm a person so I deserve to be treated as one would treat any other random person

Also, the problem with the Golden Rule for me is that I treat others the way I would like to be treated... and then they get upset because that's not the way they want to be treated.

I don't know, sometimes... I just don't know...

[Duckay]

Yes, essentially the source is "that is how communities have been operating on the whole for a long time". Do you have a better source for why respect and kindness should be given to only those who meet an arbitrary standard of goodness?

[Deedles]

When I refer to a good person I speak from personal opinion. There doesn't tend to be one particular thing that makes someone a good person to me, so it's hard to quantify, but it hardly stops because someone does something bad, because that's not you thinking they're a good person, that's you expecting them to be a perfect person, which no one is.

I should probably mention that this is speaking on a basis of people who I know, since I try to never make judgement calls on if I think someone is a good or a bad person if they're a stranger to me.

[Rikadyn]

Rikadyn, hang in there buddy. I've read your posts and I would really like to see your photos, is there a link to them somewhere that I missed?

my japan dump flickr

https://www.flickr.com/photos/iiid_eye

more curated flickr

https://www.flickr.com/photos/hwpho21/

[Deedles]

Rikadyn, are you goddamn crazy? Those photographs are great! Some of them are down right gorgeous. And while I'd like to tell you to stop doubting yourself I know it isn't that easy, but what I will tell you is that I think you're great, judging by those two links.

[Rikadyn]

Pick any one and I can probably tell you what is wrong with it, in detail.

[Deedles]

I could say the same for any piece of art that I have drawn, any poem or prose that I have written. As could any other artist, writer or photographer that I know. A creator will always be able to see a million faults in their own creation, you're far from alone in that.

[AdmiralMemo]

I think I may have stumbled upon one of the roots of my depression... My brain wants, possibly needs, a sense of permanence, and that's not something that this world, this universe, can offer, apart from something like math or logic.

I will have to grapple with that...

[Danielle Pepin]

Picking out flaws in breath-taking photos is a talent to some degree. It is one thing that allows improvement as long as it doesn't end with destruction of all the things. I know someone who repeatedly would delete all her deviantArt contents and closed her account only to reopen and do the same thing over again. I think it was sad that she kept doing so because it's hard to track improvement over time when you can't see what was done before.

I think Alex Steacy both likes and dislikes tracking progress depending on how he feels when he looks back at it and how good of a drawing day he's having currently. We all have good days and bad days too.

[Rikadyn]

I think I may have stumbled upon one of the roots of my depression... My brain wants, possibly needs, a sense of permanence, and that's not something that this world, this universe, can offer, apart from something like math or logic.

I will have to grapple with that...

Welcome to the basis of Buddhism...

[Rikadyn]

Picking out flaws in breath-taking photos is a talent to some degree.

what does that have to do with my photos

Rikadyn, are you goddamn crazy? Those photographs are great! Some of them are down right gorgeous. And while I'd like to tell you to stop doubting yourself I know it isn't that easy, but what I will tell you is that I think you're great, judging by those two links.

I haven't taken anything I feel is strong enough to stand out.

Problem is photography has become such a saturated medium, and yet you can put out crap and people will like it because they like you. What I need is proper critique and that just seems completely lacking even from my photographer friends. I make a lot of technical faults that I should really be hammered on, or I don't make them consistently enough for it to be defined as a style.

[Deedles]

I'd give you advice, but I personally don't know much about photography, but I'd suggest the best thing you can do is just keeping taking photos and experimenting, that always helps you learn new things.

[Rikadyn]

Oddly enough, knowing photography only would be useful if i need technical critique, which is sometimes useless.

[Danielle Pepin]

Rikadyn, only that your photos are breath-taking. Natural to be your own worst critic too.

...Now in other news I'm on a downward spiral....as Wesley would put it, "To the pain!"

[LokiTheLiar]

Rikadyn I wanna punch you and hug you at the same time. I really like your photos and I can't belive you criticize them so much. They have something to them that makes me calm inside. Don't give up! Don't let your inner critic steal the joy of making these photos!

[hollyberries1990]

I've been having a rough year so far and I just need to vent, so sorry if this gets too heavy.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years and only now I'm getting treatment for it, but the pills I'm taking have run out and I can't afford another prescription because I recently lost my job, I got a new one packaging boxes but I just started and I'm unsure on whether or not I will get paid enough to cover my rent and Student loans In time I had to skip last months payment because my crappy old job decided to give me barely enough shifts to sustain myself and then they just let me go without giving me 2 weeks notice. On top of that I'm having my roommates wanting to give me the boot, for several things (too loud sometimes, I had an explosive temper for some time but the pills helped, I would take bits of food without asking because they weren't home and that was shitty of me and I admit that and I will replace the things that go missing once I get money) I know that didn't put me in a positive light but I want to be honest about this stuff.

My poor boyfriend has had to put up with a lot of stuff from me, when the most important person in my life died on the third day of my third year of college, I went into a spiraling depression I ate horribly, I gained a lot of weight, i never left my bed, I was always moody, and I ended up dropping out of college because I couldn't handle the stress.

For those who are wondering why I don't just go back to my family there's a reason for that. I came from a very abusive family, my step dad would beat me frequently because I wasn't his daughter, my mother would use me as a means for money and manipulate me to where I had no sense of self worth and my sisters would torment me relentlessly, I know they were children and I have learned to let that go but I can't ever go back, as much as i want to see my sisters again and tell them that its alright; I'm too scared of being used again, I can't ever go back.

I hate whining but I needed to get this out of my system. later

[Elomin Sha]

Whine, vent, cry, go mad; we have threads for all. Let yourself go.

[Deedles]

You're just expressing things that are good for you vent, nothing that you should apologize for or feel a need to explain. You get those things off your chest as much as you want and need.

[hollyberries1990]

thank you guys.

I'm so sick of keeping these things bottled up for the good of me having a roof over my head, my roommates I swear have little meetings and talk about me while I'm out and then they appoint the 60 year old living in the living room to be the one to vent all of this onto me because the other 2 don't have the ovaries to face me head on (I'm 5 foot 10 and the strongest one so I'm a little intimidating).

The pills helped me stay calm,the pills gave me more energy, they kept me from wanting to throw myself off of our 11th floor balcony, I've tried knitting, baking, doing my art, going on walks, and playing video games but i still always feel like shit. My roommates know about what is going on but they still pile this shit on me. They just don't give a fuck how this is affecting me i mean i just lost my job, i might not have enough for rent never mind my phone bill, my student loans or food, I've tried calling my doctor to make an appointment to get more pills but hes never called back.

I have this amazing boyfriend who I love so much but i feel like shit when I need to ask him for things like money because its my own fault for not finding a new job and saving better, he's already put up with so much with me and i always tell him that he would be so much better off if he just left me and didn't look back but he refuses, every time. I always feel like such a burden on everyone around me and they would all be better off if i do just throw myself off that balcony. Its getting more tempting every day.

[hollyberries1990]

I'm such a piece of garbage and i deserve every bad thing that has happened so far

[Elomin Sha]

Nope.

[hollyberries1990]

Nope? Nope what?