The depressing depression thread

[Mums]

2stepz, don't give up, and try not to undermine yourself. I know it's hard, but don't think you aren't worth the people you like. There are a lot of people out there who value who the person is before anything else but I think it's hard if you shove them away and don't give them a chance because you think they are better than you.

Welcome back Lord Hosk!

[Deedles]

2stepz, you're a wonderful person, funny and smart, and whether you believe it or not you ARE beautiful, and deserve the best in any relationship.

[Lord Hosk]

So as a summation of events.

I had made the call that I was in a state of increased depression and I wasn't coming out of it, I was getting angry at nearly everything my children would do and it wasn't going away like it normally does.

I made the decision that I needed to seek help and unfortunately I knew that the only way to get it quickly was to tell a little white lie. Waiting for the VA system would be about 6 weeks to see a primary care and 10 weeks to see a psychiatrist which I don't know if it would have been too late but it certainly would have been too long. So I made the choice that I was going to voluntarily commit myself and I talked it over with my wife and another close adviser, they both agreed that no one knows my mental health better than me and if I felt I needed help, I needed help. Making the choice to go in and getting in the car was the best and most stress reveling thing that I could have done, oddly enough making the choice to go in was enough to snap me out of it and by the time we got to the VA I was no longer depressed.

Walking into the Veterans Affairs Hospital I was more worried about my wife and the kids and how they would be impacted by the time away. I really just needed to get on some medications and get into see a therapist and unfortunately with the huge backlog of cases in mental health because it is so underfunded the only way to get treatment when I needed it was to lie and say those 4 magical works "I have a plan." which they are required to respond to immediately and heavily.

I didn't get much sleep so Im looking forward to getting a little more. They put me at the end of the hall which I thought would be great, until night three when I realized the reason I wasn't getting good sleep was that the medical / contraband check was the room directly across the hall. Every time a new patient would be checked into the ward I hear it and BAM Im wide awake and cant get back to sleep for a few hours.

The staff at the hospital was amazing, Doctors, PAs, Nurses, Therapists and "resident assistants" (babysitters) but something I found was that the best part was my fellow patients, much like here they were all very accepting and encouraging, everyone had separate issues ranging from sexual abuse, violent outbursts, drug use, to PTSD, depression, suicide attempts and anxiety, some people were self committed like myself others ordered in by doctors or the courts but it didnt matter.

Something I found out about myself was that I am extremely empathetic several of the nurses said that they saw me talking to the new people and that the general 1-2 days hiding in their room before starting treatment that was normal never seemed to happen while I was there which they commended me on people would be out in the living space the same day they arrived and often attending some of the group therapy sessions.

There was one girl in particular who was cutting herself who her first day was just clearly overwhelmed I knew she wasnt ready to talk but we had been given shortbread cookies in our group which I hadn't eaten so I went over and gave them to her at the desk. She came out of her shell over the next couple days and today as I was getting ready to leave she said "those cookies were the only thing I ate that day, I was so upset, but then that night I realized if someone I didnt know would give me cookies this might not be so bad. Then you were nice to me the whole time I was here and that made me feel better." Then she gave me a great big hug.

I don't know if I could handle working in a facility like that, most assuredly not a higher security wing than the "low risk high freedom" unit I was in. But I think being a part of that group of strangers really helped me recover faster. One woman was very upset that her kids were coming in, and after they left she went strait to bed, but the next morning I saw that she had posted a picture they drew on our "Keys to happiness board" Last week I didnt know her, I didn't see her kids or see her post that picture but seeing it made my morning. Little bits of joy from others made me feel better than anything I was doing or accomplishing.



*****************

So this is a bit of an essay, I guess the TLDR is this: if you need help get help you might be surprised at what you take away from it.

[JustAName]

Thank you very much for sharing, Hosk. It's wonderful to read. I hope you don't ever feel the need to go in again, but I'm glad you got so much out of it, and were able to share so much with those around you while you were there.

[Jamfalcon]

Glad to hear you're out and feeling better, Hosk, and it's really nice to hear a positive story about somewhere like that. Especially given the terrible misrepresentation media tends to give them. Sounds like going was definitely a good decision!

[Tinasaur]

The checkpoint livestream yesterday was one in the line of many from lrr that made me cry.

I haven't been active in this forum for years because whenever I post or chat online I panic. No matter the response or lack thereof my mind twists it to mean that I am a bad person and that noone likes me. It's really unfair to those I talk to and I feel bad for thinking it. I'm always in fear of making mistakes, and I keep beating myself up for a long time if I think I have. I'm scared because anyone on the internet can see my mistakes and judge me, and I can do nothing to redeem myself. It shouldn't matter to me but it does. Feeling constant stress from this while I'm going through a lot of things in my life has kept me from social media of all sorts. If I'm not seen or heard I can't mess up.

I see that many here feel the same and that lrr and the community have so much understanding, acceptance and support to give for those who have problems like these. It makes me sad that I'm afraid to be a part of that. I've been thinking of posting here for a long time now. I've edited this text for hours and now I'm crying. It shouldn't be this hard to talk to nice people.

[JustAName]

First: It's okay. Second: It's okay it's okay it's okay. Talking to people is scary. You don't know what they're thinking or what they might say, and it's so easy to feel like you've messed everything up. No matter how nice someone is, it can be scary to talk to them. So... thanks for taking that step. It's nice to have more people around, and I hope you can stay.

[LokiTheLiar]

Tinasaur, it's great that you decided to step out of your comfort zone to talk to us

[Danielle Pepin]

Still single, and as it's approaching a lifeaversary, I have been contemplating why. My realization comes down to this: The guys who have the personality and intellect to attract my brain are too self-confident to accept anyone who lives under this amount of blubber. Or rather, I deem them worthy of better, due to my own low self-confidence and body-image issues.

"Just lose the weight" doesn't work. Exercise and reduced calorie diets have no impact. I've been battling the bulge for the past 15 years... its not like I haven't tried.

I recognize that I'm losing my mobility. I work in a three-story school... it's difficult for me to do stairs. Trust me... I notice. And I wouldn't want to be tied to me either.




TLDR: ForeverAloneFatGirl.gif

*hugs* I know some people who prefer ladies on the plump side.

[Danielle Pepin]

Yay Lord Hosk is back! I hope the better feeling is a long lasting one.


Tinasaur, I'm glad you posted to say so. I hope our encouragement helps.

[Lord Hosk]

welcome back Tinasaur glad to see you.

[Dix]

Damn touching stuff Hosk. I'm glad you're doing better than you had been buddy.

That said... I got super pissed off at one part. You know what part it is: that our damn VA care system is so underfunded you had to do that in the first place just to get the help you need. You're a damn good guy and seem to be one hell of a husband and father and as a fellow brother in arms, that you had to do that...arrgh.

Its a goddamn shame.


Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get help at least.

[Tinasaur]

Thank you everyone

[Lord Chrusher]

I just did not want to get out of bed today.

[King Kool]

I'm very happy for you, Hosk.

We have that thread where you'd express your current mood in song. I was going to post that here, but I think you're not supposed to provide context, and if I did that here, it might alarm people. But...

I hurt myself again
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

Don't worry. I haven't self-harmed or anything (my version of self-harm is probably just good old fashioned American gluttony). I just thought, "I want to see pictures of someone I knew long ago that I miss very much. Even though I know it will just hurt me." And I did it anyway.

Beauty, love... how have I come to associate these positive things with sadness?

[betsytheripper]

Months of hard work, thousands of dollars, and not even a thanks for participating. I'm really bummed out and still have a 7 hour flight ahead of me.

[2stepz]

KK - been there quite recently myself. Snooped just enough to find out that she has his last name now, and started into a downward spiral. Commiseration, my friend.

[King Kool]

The fact that she got married has never bothered me. If she'd married someone who was a lot like me, I might have gotten envious (and shocked). I'm fine with the fact that I'll never... be with her, because I've never been with anyone. I don't have context for that.

I just miss her. I have a few friends I miss a great deal and I wish I saw them more often, and it makes me sad to see pictures of them. I wish I could still be part of their life, but it's hard to keep involved.

[Danielle Pepin]

*hugs King Kool and 2stepz*

[AdmiralMemo]

Why is normal human interaction so hard, and why do I fail at it so much, and why do I feel like crap when I do?

[LokiTheLiar]

I disagree Memo, when you streamed Portal 2 and you talked to me it actually made my day, because you were the only person that actually paid some attention to me that day. Thanks for that.

[Mums]

Why is normal human interaction so hard, and why do I fail at it so much, and why do I feel like crap when I do?

Memo, I know I can't speak for all the interactions you have, but we interacted quite a lot during LRRcon and I had a great time!

[Deedles]

So the PC port for GTA V is being released in a few days, and the group of friends I talk to the most have all gotten it, and I'm genuinely not that interested in the game.... so why do I have to feel so bad about the fact that I won't take part in playing it?

[MetricFurlong]

So the PC port for GTA V is being released in a few days, and the group of friends I talk to the most have all gotten it, and I'm genuinely not that interested in the game.... so why do I have to feel so bad about the fact that I won't take part in playing it?

Well, because all your friends will be playing it. Felling left out if the rest of your social circle is participating in something that you won't be is a fairly normal reaction, unfortunately. Hopefully it'll pass after a while.

[LokiTheLiar]

Deedles, are you not interested in playing GTA or not generally interested in the game? I'm asking because maybe you could just hang out with your friends and watch them play and not feel left out. I used to do that a lot because most of my friends played on consoles and I didn't have one.