The depressing depression thread

[AdmiralMemo]

Then why am I getting yelled at for doing the wrong things when I was just trying to inform people?

I don't understand life... I don't understand people... I don't have a purpose in life... I don't have much to look forward to... I'm not living... I'm merely existing... It is only my strong survival instinct and fear of death that's keeping me around...

Edit: And now other people in Chat are doing the same thing I was doing, and no one is yelling at them! This is just pointless oppression and bull honkey!

Edit 2: Ignore me... I hate misunderstandings that blow up because my wrong buttons got pressed.

[Danielle Pepin]

I know how you feel. Some people jump down my throat for something small...same people dish it but can't take it.

[MetricFurlong]

@Memo
These things happen sometimes - I don't anyone's going to be holding them against anyone else. Just a case of 'mistakes were made', as it were.
I know 'try not to let it get it get to you' is a hell of a lot easier said than done, but still, it kind of applies here

I know how you feel. Some people jump down my throat for something small...same people dish it but can't take it.

That's not particularly comparable to the incident in question.

[AdmiralMemo]

I know how you feel. Some people jump down my throat for something small... same people dish it but can't take it.

That's not particularly comparable to the incident in question.

No, it certainly isn't. If it were something like that, I would actually know how to deal with it pretty easily.

_________________

On a completely separate note, I've found something that, while I won't be doing it myself, may be of interest to others suffering from depression. I present "The Semicolon Project" to you. People who are struggling from depression are drawing (or tattooing) a semicolon on their wrists (or other parts of their body) as both a personal reminder and a visible conversation starter. Depression can be invisible, but this is something visible that people can ask about, which opens up the door to a conversation about mental health. Why a semicolon?

A semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going.

It is a signifier of two things. First, that we are not done; this is not the end; we have not succumbed and ended it all; we will keep going, continuing to move forward. Second, that there are times we need to stop; we need to pause, but not finally. There need to be times where we are simply being and not doing. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and we will lose ourselves if we do not pause from time to time.

[LokiTheLiar]

After reading about the Semicolon Project I'm seriously considering getting one tatooed or maybe just getting a bracelet with a semicolon.

[Danielle Pepin]

Alex made a pretty good answer on an ask today ;
http://ask.fm/alexsteacy/answer/128256858970

[Phi]

It is a nice things to read, especially in such days when I want to just burn the book because I don't want to know what happens next, or to cut the sentence in the middle with no punctuation... Sigh.

[CGwonder]

Hey guys. I think this might be my first post, though I'm not really new here. I had a different account but I stopped posting for a long while and when I decided to come back I realised how ridiculous my username was, so a new account was in order. I must have written half a dozen iterations of this post over the past week or so but I haven't managed to actually finish it yet. I have a pretty important audition in a couple of days that I'm utterly terrified about (well, utterly terrified of the outcome anyway) and I think posting here might help clear my head somewhat.

I've only really spoken to one other person about my depression, my best friend, but even with her I haven't gone into much detail. She suffers from anxiety pretty badly so I don't like to burden her with so much (and on top of that I'm terrible at talking about my feelings face to face). I'm about to graduate from university, and this past year (academic year) has been pretty damn awful for me depression wise. I only really starting considering the idea that I am 'suffering from depression' last summer and since then I've realised that this has been part of my life for a very long time, but it's become far more acute the closer I get to leaving the comfort of the education institution and having to actually live in the real world.

I guess the best way of summing up my current state is that I feel like life is just a thing that's happening to me, rather than I thing I am actually doing. When I don't have to do something that involves other people (so I actually have to do it) I just exist in my room. I don't leave the house for days, some days I don't get out of bed. Nothing interests me at the moment- I've got a backlog of games and books and films that I know I should want to experience but I just don't care. Even on days when it's not so bad, or when I'm spending time with friends, I have these underlying feelings or despair and anger that are just waiting to grab me. It's exhausting. It's exhausting feeling so unhappy, it's exhausting hating myself so much. I can visualise the person I could be- not someone without depression but someone who has learned to cope with it in a healthy and productive way, but it feels more like an alternate universe than an aspiration.

If you were to ask someone who knows me what I'm like they would most likely use the word 'calm' in their answer. Apparently that's what I radiate to other people and I guess I can see why people think that, but the notion seems so alien to me when I know that what's happening in my head is anything but calm. I'm terrified of what going to happen if I don't get a place on this course I'm auditioning for becuase I has no prospects and no work experience. I've discovered that I have an innate talent for messing up my opportunities. The bottom line is that I just don't want to be me anymore. I'd fed up and angry and unhappy and I'm done with being this lumbering idiot who never gets anything right. I'm scared I'm going to self destruct because the fear of the pain is slowly losing it's battle against the desire to hurt myself.

I'm not looking for answers, or even advice really. I know that everyone else has their own pain to deal with but it's just comforting in a strange way to finally spell out all the things I've been afraid to say. I think this community and the livestreams and everything are the only things keeping my sane at the moment- they're certainly the only things I look forward to. So I also wanted to say thank you to everybody here, even though none of you know me, because I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have you guys and the crew to help ease the pain somewhat.

[Phi]

CGwonder, you are right by saying that we have no answers. What we have is support. We are here, and we understand.

[Dutch guy]

I know that everyone else has their own pain to deal with but it's just comforting in a strange way to finally spell out all the things I've been afraid to say.

That is pretty much the reason I created this thread. I know how much of a relief it can be to just write out what is bothering you. Putting it "to paper" can help sort things out, get a clearer picture. And I second Phi: We are here with support if you need it.

Welcome back!

[JustAName]

Oh, I just caught up to Paul's stream from last week, and he dedicated Ze Frank's anxiety song to the people in this thread and I kind of feel like crying at work now because it's moving.

Right, it's called Chillout, he just said. I haven't thought about that song in a while, but it's a good one.

[LokiTheLiar]

Hi CGwonder, welcome to the thread. I can only repeat what others said before me. We all have our own everyday struggles, we are all here, willing to hear others out and even if we can't usually provide soulutions, we can provide support.

[Deedles]

CGwonder, I'm glad that we can be here for you.

[CGwonder]

Thanks guys It means a lot.

[Squirrel]

Venting at the stupid brain weasels...

I was doing an event with my re-enactment group at the weekend. and it was quite a weekend, with delays, car issues, a very minor car accident, traveling between two events, and then on top of it all (or maybe because of it? probably) the brain decided to go full on bad stuffs.
Fortunately a friend was able to help by hugging me tight until I was less eurgh. And chatted to Ix for the whole car journey, which I was very glad of, helped ingore the brain weasels a bit.

Stupid brain and its crappyness, its horrible whenever it happens, but worst when it raises its ugly head when i'm at a re-enactment. Because its then messing with the thing that gave me the strength to keep going when I had lost hope, one last try when i was scared and alone, gave me the first true friends I've ever had, gave me self confidence and a chance to use that confidence, helped me think I might have an actual future for the first time in a decade, and without which I'd be ... well yeah... I probably owe my life to it I think.

I can handle the depression most of the time, I've had to, I'm used to it, it sucks, but its doable. And then when it raises its ugly head when I'm re-enacting/at a show it feels like its grabbing that little bit of confidence, goodness, non-faily-ness, hope, whatnot and ripping it up, stamping on then voiding its bowels upon it. And I remember how tainted by this my entire life is and the fighting is harder.

and as I finally travelled home tuesday it felt like the worst had passed, but i now dont thinks so, its here sapping me and making shiz seem pointless. and I'm angry thats its raised its head now, and hoping it goes away soon but last time it thieved 2 months from me. It cant do that now, this is show season, the part of the year feel like i might be an actual ****ing human with a life and worth.

Just Bleh.

[Ptangmatik]

Probably going to be fired today or tomorrow. I can sort of feel it in my bones.

I've had maybe 3 reasonable nights' sleep this past two weeks, I've had to force down food past the knot in my throat as my apetite's shot.

The more stressed I get, the worse I do at the job for which I am completely unsuited. Just waiting for the hammer to fall.

[AdmiralMemo]

I get a little depressed when I think thoughts that are wrong. I have regrets about these thoughts, even though I never act upon them, because that'd be illegal, immoral, and unethical. I banish them from my mind immediately, thinking "That's wrong! That's not me! That's not something I would do!" But I question... That thought came from somewhere... Is that thought an expression of the "real me" and my inhibition is just a "mask" that I keep on all the time?

The real thing that scares me is that I don't know whether this is normal. I don't know if this is something everyone struggles with to one degree or another or if this is a function of my defective brain. Both are in some ways depressing. If it's not normal, it saddens me that I am broken and need healing. If it is normal, then it's depressing to think that everyone I encounter has the same or similar bad desires that I'm not seeing behind that smiling face, and it's only a single loosening of inhibition away from them acting upon that.

[JustAName]

Intrusive thoughts are definitely a real thing, though what they are and how frequent they are can vary.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Police are trying to find someone who was on my course.
I am very worried.

[Dutch guy]

As long as that person is not you, no reason to be. Is it you?

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Not me. But I know what he is like.
Naive.
Easily influenced.
Would be nice if the last thing he physically posted on Facebook wasn't anti Islamic people.
Part of my mind wonders if he's ran away from home to a racist rally.
-
But yeah. You're right. Making myself stressed about it isn't going to help the situation.

I care about him. Check.
Now to carry on with my life (and pray about it).

[Ptangmatik]

Hasven't so much slept as kept a watchful eye on my alarm clock. ghot up, had a shower, smelled my cereal box, retched, quit my job over the +phone. My hands are shaking, my eyes feel like theyre bleeding. im gonna put my phone on silentn at go back to bed. Gotta be reasdy for yhe interview on monbday, got to talik to recdruitment agencies. im goinna have a nap

[Rikadyn]

[the_lone_bard]

Well, grandmother's apparently off on facebook calling me a scumbag. And dad's busy showing up on my facebook telling me how I'm the problem. I was rather thorough in telling him how pathetic it is he thinks he gets an opinion on my life when he's sat there for 7 years watching me be constantly abused and just gone "If you don't like it, leave." while offering no way to actually do that.

Do I regret telling him he's as dead to me as my mother and grandmother are? No. Still feels like shit though. As pathetic as it is, simply not joining in with the abuse made him the best family member I actually had.

And the best part, is I still need to wait until the 9th (4 days after my 23rd) till I can get a meeting with Salvation Army Housing Services. and, seeing as my standard birthday celebration is to go to Rosebud (Can't happen, Alex and Gerard still don't have a place or I'd be with them.) or go to dinner with dad and Linda, and have my grandmother come along because, I have a feeling it's gonna be a lonely birthday next Sunday.

I'd just really, really love to know whatever it was I managed to do. I've spent my entire fucking life fighting against everything, shitty family shitty friends shitty health... I finally have a plan, dealing with my health setting up appointments to find somewhere else to live... And fuck it all let's cut my father out of my life while my grandmother decides she can't abuse me to my face anymore she'll abuse me over facebook. Can I ever just move forward in my life for once without everything fucking up immediately? Like, am I a brain washed Hitler or something? The fuck did I do...

Edit: And nevermind, turns out he just doesn't say it to my face. Decided to go lookup the post on facebook she made. I get my court order to take to centerlink so they can't just say some version of "You have a place to live, go away." and at the same time, comments from my father along the lines of "I've told you to throw him out. I've offered to do it. I didn't even know he was back from Rosebud until after he'd moved back in."

Yep, no longer feel bad. Fuck him.

[Danielle Pepin]

Intrusive thoughts are definitely a real thing, though what they are and how frequent they are can vary.

Intrusive devilish thoughts being countered by an opposing thought is just as real as the devilish thoughts.