The depressing depression thread

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King Kool
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby King Kool » 24 Sep 2015, 18:57

I don't know if I have real depression or not. I've never been able to be honest with a psychiatrist like that, in the very few times I've faced them. I just do what I always do: I just chat and sorta BS everything (not with actual BS, but you know, chatting or whatever).

I don't know if I'm depressed, but I watched Dodger's video about her high school reunion that she had a blast at, and it reminded me how much I miss some of my friends I haven't seen in years, and I cried for a while.

It was four months ago I posted the lyrics to Hurt, where my hurting isn't traditional self-harm, but looking at pictures of people I miss, even knowing all it will do is make me feel bad.

I don't know if I'm depressed. I know I was depressed yesterday, but today I'm better. I'm not happy, not most of the time, and yet... I am as happy as I expect to be, for where I am.

It's a sort of chicken-and-egg thing. I don't know if my crummy life leads me to sadness, or if sadness leads to the crummy life, or if it's a cycle,

For people who are like, "Oh, that's not real depression," I'm sorta like, "Are you trying to help, or are you just REALLY particular with incredibly accurate defintions?"

We should jsut remember that sadness and loneliness are the two things that people can share with each other and each have less of afterwards.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 25 Sep 2015, 13:12

Duckay wrote:but I just want to make it extremely clear, that I know full well that what I'm going through is substantially lesser than what other people in this thread are going through. However, I also need support and a place to vent. I hope that's still okay.


That was the whole point of my previous post, it really doesn't matter if it's "diagnosed, proper, clinical depression. If you feel down and need support, this thread is here. It's here to vent and to talk. Comparing your problems to those of others is never going to help. What is difficult for you to deal with might be a breeze for someone else. What is difficult for them to handle might be easy for you. Everyone is different. You should NEVER feel you don't have a right to feel bad just because someone has it worse. That way madness lies.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 27 Sep 2015, 10:39

Not quite on topic but: a friend and coursemate of mine has died in an accident in China. A lovely chap, taken from us far too soon. He will be missed.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby MrPayneTrayne » 05 Oct 2015, 12:27

Work's piling up and it's been over a month since I last saw my girlfriend face to face. Really starting to get to me..
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Moussefilledkitten » 07 Oct 2015, 10:05

Got a job offer yesterday. Objectively I realize this is a good thing, but the idea of it makes me want to curl up and cry and my anxiety was affecting me physically ... I hate my brain chemistry sometimes.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 11 Oct 2015, 07:43

So, I'm feeling pretty down right now. I am feeling like I haven't made any difference, no impact on the world. Intellectually, I know that's a lie, that depression is lying to me. However, knowing that still doesn't change the feeling. My brain is trying to process these conflicting things, trying to reconcile them. I'm questioning whether my impact is unique. Is the impact I've made something that could not be replicated by someone else? Am I irreplaceable? Or can the world go on without me, having had someone else take my place?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Avistew » 12 Oct 2015, 10:14

I finally made an appointment (been wanting to since early July). I'm happy about that but also beating myself up for not doing it sooner.

I'm also frustrated for myself for still not knowing how to drive. I've had coworkers start learning way after me who now have a license and are driving around, and I feel like I'm pretty much still at square 1.

Hopefully the appointment will help. It's going to be a quick one because there wasn't a physical available until December, but I'll take any progress at all.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Twinklefeet » 15 Oct 2015, 11:43

A whole bunch of stuff has happened over the last week, and now I'm a burnt out blob of sadness. I feel like every drop of happiness has been scooped out of me, leaving nothing but a void of worry and despair. Anything life-changing is a long way off, but things that are 6 months away are going to suddenly become 6 weeks away and before I know it it'll be too late to fix it.

I think I need to make an appointment with my doctor. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Avistew » 19 Oct 2015, 12:43

I have some good news! The doctor appointment went very well and I'm back on antidepressants. It's such a relief I already feel better, even though I know they won't start working for a little bit.

I hope this gives everyone else motivation to make doctor appointments as needed :) Good luck everyone!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 26 Oct 2015, 15:09

Recently came to a realisation about my avoidance behaviour. I had a bit of a troubled childhood with a father who was suffering from a work related burnout at the time and a mother who then consequently ALSO pretty much completely broke down causing a lot of "loud" arguing between them. On top of that I was getting bullied at school and had some truly horrible teachers who pretty much let it happen. My brother dealt with it all by "running away" and finding anything else to keep busy. (His behaviour hasn't changed and I'm pretty sure he is now also well on his way to a burnout, even though he will keep denying it but that's another story). I now realise I dealt with it by "hiding". I would be in my room, playing with lego or playing flight simulators or something. Anything to hide and "not be there". Problem now is that I still have a subconscious tendency to do this when things aren't going my way. I shut down and then get nothing else done. Right in those years when I should have been learning social interactions I just shut myself out of the world just so I wouldn't have to deal with it. And now here I am having trouble forming any meaningful social contact, no friends, no girlfriend and finally starting to realise I might like all of those things.

No idea why I'm typing all this, but it strangely helps to put it all to text. Now comes the big question of how I can get myself out of this behaviour...
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 26 Oct 2015, 16:57

They say that the best way to understand something is to try to explain it to someone else. The process of putting words to thoughts helps your brain process the actual thoughts and work through them. :-)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Tinasaur » 27 Oct 2015, 06:51

Yesterday I signed up for the programming course I failed to complete two years ago and I've been doing my best to suppress a panic attack all day. I've read through my notes from last time and the more I read the more I'm convinced I won't make it. It feels like the medications I've been on since then has muddled up my brain and I just can't take in the information.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 27 Oct 2015, 09:21

Nice, dutch guy. One of the reason I advocate communication so much in helping to work through one's problems is it lays out the problem in much more clarity, and means you can engage all of your brain on the issue- it's now both a factual and an emotional thing. Keep going- there's more where that came from.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Bebop Man » 27 Oct 2015, 20:20

People, man. Just people. Fucking people.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 27 Oct 2015, 22:39

People are the worst.
Graham wrote:The point is: Nyeh nyeh nyeh. I'm an old man.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby mtvcdm » 27 Oct 2015, 23:12

My dad's having a rough battle with cancer. The prognosis sucks. It's in his lower esophagus, right where the hatch is leading into the stomach, and long story short, it was there, much radiation was administered, it was gone and now it's back. There are two options:

1. Surgery to remove the cancer. Dad would lose the hatch, he would never be able to lie flat again and have to sleep at an angle. There'd be a feeding tube going in for at least the first stretch of time. Average survival time after the surgery is 18 months, though that's a national rate. On one hand, this is a good hospital he's at- VA in Madison, connected to the UW-Madison hospital, one of the best cancer hospitals in the country- but on the other, there isn't much of a data set on the particular type of cancer he has (endocrine carcinoma, high grade, for whatever that means to you)- and that could do any number of things to the expected lifespan as a result. Or, given that the earlier radiation has toughened up the cell structure where they'd be doing the surgery, he could just straight-up die on the operating table.

Thanksgiving would be basically cancelled under this scenario; Mom's not about to fill the house with food smells when Dad wouldn't be able to eat any of it.

2. If surgery isn't an option, or if Dad ultimately decides against it, he'd simply be taking chemo for... however long he would hold out. The surgery would depend on how much longer he thinks it would give him and what kind of quality of life he'd have. (And he will try and fight; my sister-in-law gave birth this morning and he wants as much time around her as he can get.)

Either way, we're probably not talking all that long. The meeting regarding what he's going to do is tomorrow (Wednesday, so technically later today).

I HAD been meaning to escape a terrible, awful job at Walmart which has been piling on the assorted miserables ever since early summer to the point where that in and of itself has gotten me to the point of depression (99-cent version: regional manager came in multiple times to shit on everything; employee parking randomly and arbitrarily moved to extreme opposite end of store; reduced size of annual raises; company very publicly announcing starting wages for new hires going to basically what the veterans are already making with no bump-up for said veterans except to bring them in line with new hires; said new hires seemingly being any warm body that can pass a drug test and swarms of them making adequate training virtually impossible; jobs being shuffled with the upshot being me getting forced out of position where I was relatively content and into my "choice" of two positions I had already left in tears because I couldn't handle them anymore; probably forgetting something else) and was in the process of looking, maybe even relocating, until the rediagnosis. And now that's all utterly out the window.

The rest of my family, especially my mom, seems to be looking to me to be the rock of the outfit- I've always been the most stoic of the family- and we need to put up a tough front because mood very much effects how long someone can last against cancer. But right now I'm not sure I can even hold myself together let alone everyone around me. Right now I just want to curl in a corner and cry, but if I do that I'll just drag everyone with me and in the process indirectly shorten Dad's remaining lifespan. Even just simply posting on Facebook that I was stressed out an hour or two ago got mom worked up and on the verge of tears herself.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 28 Oct 2015, 00:18

*sends loads of warm hugs* I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

At least you can be assured that you can vent and air your thoughts and feelings as much as you want and need here. I think it would be good to be able to do so to your family as well, but until such a time where you feel okay doing so we'll be here to listen to you. And past that point as well!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby NimrodXIV » 29 Oct 2015, 13:03

I hope Desert Bus helps pull me out of this funk I've been in for the last few months.
Bad things are coming, and I don't think I'm going to make it through unless something really good happens first.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Danielle Pepin » 01 Nov 2015, 13:47

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 01 Nov 2015, 23:28

Blue street lights are a poor idea for a couple reasons.

First, it messes with your sleep cycle. Your body sees blue light and assumes that the Sun is still up which makes it hard to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Second, it plays havoc with your night vision. You eyes are much more sensitive to red light than to blue. Using blue light means you require brighter lamps that use more energy and make it harder to see areas in shadow. Also, since the night sky is fainter at blue wavelengths than red ones, the blue light has more of an effect on astronomy than red lights of the same apparent intensity.

Additionally, the blue light confuses nocturnal animals.

While getting extra blue light likely provides mental health benefits, especially in areas with quite dark winters, changing the colour of street lights is not the best way to do it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 02 Nov 2015, 00:12

I'm currently wondering if I stopped posting and dropped off the Internet... how long would it take people to notice? And then, after noticing, how long would it take for people to worry? And then, after worrying, how long would it take for people to actually try to contact me to find out what's up?

I think someone might notice when I'm not around to help with quotes and moderation in LRRchat... And if I miss a FanDraft...
But I'm wondering how much of life continues without me and if by continuing, whether people would miss me if I were gone.

(And no, I'm not planning to drop off the Internet. I'm just having thoughts about whether people notice me, while I am active, and whether they would notice if I disappeared. This video is what started to make me think about this.)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 02 Nov 2015, 09:39

Huh. I can actually concretely address that concern, Memo.

A couple of days ago, in LRL chat, someone mentioned that they were watching you stream, and you suddenly went offline. When they tried to reconnect, it appeared to them that you had deactivated or deleted your Twitch account.

Being familiar with your mood issues, they expressed concern for your well-being in chat, and a number of chat-members checked to see if your stream and account had disappeared, in order to see if anything was wrong.

Now, obviously, you hadn't actually disappeared - the concerned chat-member had had some sort of Twitch-hiccough - but I guarantee that if people had found you'd disappeared, efforts would have been made to find you and check in with you. Up to and including members of the LRR Crew - I've personally heard them express concern for your mental state to you on stream.

So... long and the short of it is that, while I understand your concerns, there is evidence that your concerns are unwarranted. They're cognitive distortions, not truth. Brains lie. Mine does all the time. Yours is lying to you right now.

You did disappear. People did notice. People did care. And people did act to try to contact you.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Phi » 02 Nov 2015, 10:25

On that topic, in September I went for a trip in Iceland without telling most people that I know. I missed the first three weeks of the new semester at university. I didn't tell most people because I assumed they generally don't care, but was quite surprised to see what happened when I came back. People noticed I was gone, and were worried. Some of my former professor asked heard about my absence and asked the faculty if they know anything.

I think most of us would agree that we do not understand if and why people care or do not care for others. People don't seem to make sense. But chances are people will notice if one of us disappears - and they will worry about us.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 02 Nov 2015, 11:12

Fair enough. I suspect that was meme_dragon who was watching and was concerned. But no one ever told me that happened. Which stream was this? And why didn't I hear about it until now? This is the kind of thing I would like to know about. You say people tried to contact me about this? I don't recall that happening.

Maybe that's the issue: I don't hear the concern, unless I'm actively having a melt-down. So should I have more melt-downs, so I get to hear that people are concerned about me? I don't think that's the right approach.

And then there's the fact that the time you're referring to happened suddenly and abruptly while I was active. That's certainly cause for concern. However, I go offline every day, when I sleep or do other things. No one seems concerned about that, as it's normal. There's a normal amount of "disappearance" that people do all the time. But if I just one day woke up and decided not to get back online... Will people be like "Well, it's been 10 hours since Memo went to bed and I haven't heard from him. What's up with that?" I doubt it, and am wondering how long it would take for "natural inactivity" to turn into "unnatural inactivity" in people's minds.

See, my point is that I know people would notice and would worry, eventually. That's a given. My question is "How long would it take? And does that length of time of inactivity vary with other factors?" And maybe also "Who would be the first to notice?"
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 02 Nov 2015, 11:46

It was either the Let's Nope or the Crossing the Streams last week. Can't really remember which.

But, you're right - going offline like that was an odd circumstance, and so it attracted attention quickly. Thing is... I don't think that's unexpected. Of course people are going to take note more or less quickly based on circumstances. That's normal.

Look... if you were gone from LRL chat for a week, probably, people would worry. Less than that? Maybe something came up, maybe life got in the way... whatever. It happens. A few days gone falls into the "reasonable absence" category.

Now say that you told people you were going to Bermuda for a month. People wouldn't worry when you were gone for a month. Obviously. But if you were still gone a week after that? People would worry.

Point being, any delay in worrying about you is based on what a reasonable absence, given the circumstances, is. It's not based on people not noticing (because we do) and it's not based on people not caring (again, because we do).

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