The depressing depression thread

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AdmiralMemo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 21 Apr 2016, 17:10

My mom's best friend is most likely dying sometime within a week. :-(

She and myself were not very close, but my mom was extremely close to her. Now, this wasn't sudden or unexpected. She had a botched neck surgery several years ago, and this is one of the aftereffects. We knew it would happen sooner or later, so it was almost all planned for. Turns out, it was sooner, though. :-(

It's not really going to affect me as much, but it'll devastate my mom. I'm going to need prayer or whatever you believe in, so I'm there for her when she needs it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 22 Apr 2016, 02:17

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear. I'll be keeping you and your mother in my thoughts, strength to support and strength to grieve. I wish I could say more, but I find it difficult to find the words, just makes me really sad to hear. :(
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 22 Apr 2016, 06:28

I'll be praying for your mum and her friend's family and other friends.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 25 Apr 2016, 08:31

I hate myself. For the last 2 weeks I´ve been lethargic and lazy. I just can´t motivate myself to do ANYTHING. I go to work, come home, waste away all my time browsing useless internet site after useless internet site, go to bed way too late, wake up tired and repeat the whole damn cycle over again. And I just can´t seem to break it. I´m not depressed in the way I have been in the past, I just can´t motivate myself to do anything.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 25 Apr 2016, 09:38

Dutch guy:

I've felt the same way before. It feels like there's so much to do, and you have so much time to do it... if only you could get off your ass and bloody well do it. And it hurts. It feels like a moral failing. And, yes, you blame yourself. Hate yourself. And that self-loathing feeds into further lack of motivation.

I've been there.

But I'm going to tell you what my psychiatrist told me: you are not lazy. Does a lazy person go to work when all they want to do is sleep? Does a lazy person care that they're not accomplishing all that they want to accomplish? No. A lazy person would be content to be unmotivated, to not do the things that they want to do.

If you were lazy, you wouldn't feel like this. You feel like this because there's a tension between what you really want to do and be (that is, a person with goals and a person who meets those goals) and what you are currently able to do.

So why aren't you able to do what you want, if it's not laziness? Well, I don't know what it would be with you, but with me it's often a combination of depression and anxiety. Even when I don't feel depressed or anxious. Even when it feels like laziness, and nothing else.

No matter how much I want to do something, how hard I push, my brain won't let me. That's not a moral failing, that's an illness; that's not laziness, that's struggling mightily against an invisible hurdle that most don't have, and managing to stay above water.

And I'd bet almost anything it's the same with you.

I don't see a lazy person. I see a person trying and struggling and mostly succeeding every second of every day.

So you can't shovel more onto your plate than you already have. So what? You've already got more on there than most people do. That's the opposite of failing.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 30 Apr 2016, 10:58

So I just played a hypertext game that strikes very uncomfortably close to my own experiences with anxiety and depression. I found it interesting, in case anyone wants to play it.

(Trigger warnings for mental illness, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, homophobia, and violence)

I'm not sure if it would be interesting to others or if I only found it powerful because of how closely it tracks my own life (I even share the name of the main character - not sure if the game pulled that from my Windows registration or something, or if it's just a hell of a coincidence).

Still, thought I'd share.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Mister Blue Sky » 07 May 2016, 01:51

Nothing.
Last edited by Mister Blue Sky on 11 May 2016, 01:35, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 07 May 2016, 04:12

I'm not sure, but right now might be the first time in nearly two and a half years that my depression and general mental state isn't getting worse. Not sure if it's improving, but... I don't think it's getting shittier.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 08 May 2016, 12:08

Another popular multiplayer game release, another twinge of guilt and anxiety from me knowing that I'll want to play it but can't due to a fear of being mocked by online strangers.

It's worse these days, too. You never know who's a streamer, who's popular... It's not just the person on the other side laughing at your incompetence, but the hundreds or more laughing along.

Bleh. Sometimes I wonder why I play video games in the first place.

(Yes I'm aware this isn't a "real" problem. You don't have to remind me.)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 08 May 2016, 12:38

RytelCSF wrote:(Yes I'm aware this isn't a "real" problem. You don't have to remind me.)


Wtf is "not a "real"" problem supposed to be? If it's a problem to you then it's a problem. Maybe not one many of us would personally consider but a problem nonetheless.

And I for one can see where you are coming from in this.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 08 May 2016, 12:41

It's not "real" because it's basically the mental illness equivalent of #FirstWorldProblems. It's not serious, it doesn't impact my life in any meaningful way, it just... kinda sucks. That's it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 08 May 2016, 13:31

RytelCSF wrote:It's not "real" because it's basically the mental illness equivalent of #FirstWorldProblems. It's not serious, it doesn't impact my life in any meaningful way, it just... kinda sucks. That's it.


Again, that doesn't make the problem less real. You apparently would like to be able to just enjoy these kinds of games, but can't because of this lingering fear of getting mocked/rejected/ridiculed. So it does impact your life in a meaningful way.

I've said it before, dealing with mental problems isn't really "dealing with one giant overwhelming problem". It's death by a thousand cuts. It's all the little things that get us. Maybe someone does have some larger problems to tackle. That doesn't make the small problems any less of a problem. They all add to the burden. They all deserve to be taken seriously.

And yeah: "Starbucks was all out of cream" will get a "get over it" from me. "I can't enjoy videogames as much as I could to due the anxiety it causes me" however is a legitimate issue. Not even close to being on par with the first one.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 08 May 2016, 13:56

I want to agree with you, but I feel like if it was a legitimate issue, I wouldn't get responses ranging from "just mute them" at best to "git gud" at worst from literally everyone I've ever vented about this to.

I'll be over it once the hype dies down like I always am. It just sucks every time all my friends/chats/communities are talking about New Hot Multiplayer Game and I'm terminally on the outside looking in, because on the rare occasion I do join in I spend the entire time legitimately trembling and on the verge of tears from the anxiety.

(For those who are about to ask "Wait didn't you play a bit on the LRR TF2 server a long time ago?" Yes. I did. And I was trembling and on the verge of tears the entire time.)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 08 May 2016, 14:22

RytelCSF wrote:I want to agree with you, but I feel like if it was a legitimate issue, I wouldn't get responses ranging from "just mute them" at best to "git gud" at worst from literally everyone I've ever vented about this to.


According to that logic...

If my depression were a "legitimate" issue, I wouldn't get people saying "just cheer up."

If my generalized anxiety disorder were a "legitimate" issue, I wouldn't get people saying "get over it and do the thing that's freaking you out."

If my post-traumatic stress were a "legitimate" issue, I wouldn't get people saying "stop being so sensitive about things that trigger you."

You see how that's all nonsense, right? That the problem isn't that my issues aren't "legitimate," it's that people decide for themselves that my issues aren't "legitimate," and so act in a belittling and shitty manner towards me. Does that mean my issues aren't "legitimate"? Or does it mean that there's a serious stigma surrounding mental issues and people can be cruel, callous jerks?

What does that say about your issue?

And, you know what? I have very similar issues. One of the reasons that I don't like multi-player games is because I'm afraid of looking like an idiot and being judged by the randos I'm playing with. See, I have social anxiety disorder, and a history of exclusion and bullying. So I'm very sensitive to all that stuff.

And I bet when you read that about me, you're thinking "yeah, that's totally a legit issue for him to have." So... why is it legit when it's me, but not when it's you?

I think you need to give yourself a little credit, here. It's okay to be bothered by things, even things that other people find mundane. That's kind of the very definition of an anxiety disorder.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 08 May 2016, 23:21

So this past week...

My mom's best friend dies, mainly from delayed complications from a botched neck surgery several years ago...
My mom gets sent to the hospital for bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in her lungs that could've killed her)...
I've gotten three death threats at work (some Australian idiot who said he'd put a 12-gauge in my mouth if I didn't unban him from the game)...
I'm back to 20 hours a week at work because there's no need for extra hours...
My mom gets rear-ended in a hit-and-run car collision while on the way to pick me up from work...
The police aren't going to do anything because my mom didn't get a full plate, despite getting 5 out of 7 and the car model...
My mom's going to have to pay out of her own insurance due to that hit-and-run woman...
My mom gets side-swiped on the way home from work that same day...
I've ended up sleeping almost 12 hours a night most nights and I still don't feel rested...
And to top it off, it only stopped raining just today...

I give up... :-(
Just... life shouldn't be worth putting up with this crap...
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 09 May 2016, 08:33

AdmiralMemo wrote:So this past week...

My mom's best friend dies, mainly from delayed complications from a botched neck surgery several years ago...
My mom gets sent to the hospital for bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in her lungs that could've killed her)...
I've gotten three death threats at work (some Australian idiot who said he'd put a 12-gauge in my mouth if I didn't unban him from the game)...
I'm back to 20 hours a week at work because there's no need for extra hours...
My mom gets rear-ended in a hit-and-run car collision while on the way to pick me up from work...
The police aren't going to do anything because my mom didn't get a full plate, despite getting 5 out of 7 and the car model...
My mom's going to have to pay out of her own insurance due to that hit-and-run woman...
My mom gets side-swiped on the way home from work that same day...
I've ended up sleeping almost 12 hours a night most nights and I still don't feel rested...
And to top it off, it only stopped raining just today...

I give up... :-(
Just... life shouldn't be worth putting up with this crap...


damn.... Saying that's rough doesn't even begin to cover it. :shock:
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 09 May 2016, 08:50

Shit happens Memo. Shit does indeed happen
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 09 May 2016, 13:54

That sucks. Think of it this way, he lives in Australia, he is more than likely to die from their indigenous fauna.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 09 May 2016, 19:09

And so my sleep was disturbed... again. -_-
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby CamelKnackRambleHort » 09 May 2016, 19:29

Damn Memo, and I thought I was having a hard week. Hope things start getting better for you.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 12 May 2016, 08:39

So on Monday I had a panic attack at work, which my boss was understandably displeased about.

On Tuesday nothing happens and she doesn't say anything to me, then Wednesday and Thursday (today) are my days off.

This morning I got a text from my boss telling me not to come in on Friday and "we'll talk more" on Saturday.

I'm 99% sure I'm getting fired.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 12 May 2016, 09:32

Uh, that's not something your boss should be "understandably displeased" about. You can't control when you have a panic attack, and any decent employer should respect your mental health enough to understand that.

I don't know what your job is or what the laws are like in Ohio, but it seems to me like in most cases you shouldn't be able to be fired for that. Especially if you've been diagnosed with any sort of depression/anxiety, this is something beyond your control, and my gut says you would be able to have a legal complaint if you got fired for it.

All that said, keep in mind that it's really easy to assume the worst, but it's possible that you might be misunderstanding. Maybe your boss is just worried about you, and she wanted to talk to you about it on Saturday and give you Friday to recover, or maybe she'll just be busy on Friday and won't have a chance. There are reasonable explanations, and I know it's probably scary, but the reality may not be as bad as it seems.

Whatever happens, I'm really sorry you had to go through the panic attack and this stress. :(
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 12 May 2016, 10:09

What Jamfalcon said is 100% correct. You did nothing wrong, and there's no reason for your boss to be upset about what happened. You have an illness. If someone had a seizure, your boss wouldn't be upset, yes?

And, yeah, you shouldn't assume the worst (easier said than done, I know). Your boss may be concerned, and may want to ask if you need any time off or special accommodation.

That said, if your boss really does want to fire you (a big if), that's fucked up and possibly illegal. If that's how this goes down, I'd suggest seeking advice from an employment lawyer. Here is a listing of lawyer referral services in Ohio. They might be able to help you find a lawyer who can provide cheap or free services to you.

I'm sorry this happened, BTW. It's never fun, and the uncertainty is always the worst part. Keep us updated, okay? :(
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 13 May 2016, 15:05

Solomon, Steiner, and Peck: Attorneys at Law wrote:Ohio, as an "at-will" employment state, permits an employer, absent an employment contract to the contrary, to terminate an employee for no reason or any reason at all, so long as the reason does not violate Ohio or federal law.
I checked, and apparently Ohio is like Maryland: an at-will employment state. Therefore, your employer can fire you for almost any reason at any time, and you are free to quit at any time. Thus, there's very little he could do, in my opinion, even if it's not right. There are all sorts of legal stipulations, but when you break it down, as long as the employer doesn't fire you on the basis of an *ism, it's usually legally OK. This is kind of messed up, granted, but it's the system we've got in some states. The issue becomes if the employer does want to fire someone due to some *ism. They clearly can't state that, but they can make sure that they find the most picky rules to write you up on, assemble documentation, and fire you for breaking them, or for "not meeting quality and quantity standards" or something like that.

For example, when I was fired from the print shop I worked at, I knew exactly why I was fired. I got into a verbal argument with the owner's nephew. He essentially had me fired, by going to his uncle. But what was I fired for on paper? "Not meeting performance expectations."
I filed for unemployment, was denied, filed my appeal, met with the people, ended up being denied again, and was out any source of income for 6 months.

So, yeah... Due to being in Ohio, Rytel's employer is probably pretty safe in making up a reason to fire him, if they choose to do so, even if Rytel didn't do anything wrong.

But that's just the worst-case scenario, and I'm hoping the boss is just concerned. I know being depressed and having anxiety will make it seem like anything is the worst. "Boss looked at me wrong = I'm getting fired" and such.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby betsytheripper » 13 May 2016, 16:27

I know this is pretty well hashed out, but disability (including mental illness) is a protected class in Ohio (as well as California, where I live, which is also an at-will state), and you cannot be terminated for it. I hope everything is fine and that your boss is just concerned for you, but if they try to fire you, contact a lawyer and discuss the situation. Even if you aren't currently diagnosed, you may be able to have a retroactive-acting diagnosis. But none of us here are Ohio law expects, contact a pro.

Related, I would suggest that anyone with a disability (and in many places mental illness counts) to look up what their legal reasonable accommodations are under ADA (or your country's equivalent). This includes housing, employment, and schooling. Example: My cats are emotional support animals, critical to my overall well-being and part of my "treatment" scheme for my depression. This means that I must be allowed to have them in any housing situation, regardless of the management's official status on pets, if they would otherwise consider me a fully qualified renter. It's good stuff to know!
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