The depressing depression thread

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Jenelmo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jenelmo » 07 Jun 2016, 05:16

I am having one of the worst days I have had in a long time.
I am moving from one financial aid to another, but i then find out that while the one i was on pays in advance (Payout for May happens May 1) and the one i am moving to pays back ( Payout for June happens June 30) i am now missing 800$ in my budget.
I then get rejection letters from places I have applied for Internship as part of my education.
But at least they wrote back, unlike most of the other places i have applied, i have been appliyng for two months and have not even gotten an interview yet
And this is part of my education, i can't continue if i don't find an internship for next semester.
And my main computer stopped working, this is the one i use for gaming to de-stress.
Also now my phone doesn't want to read the SD-card in it, so i can't hear music, something i use when outside to block off the noise around me.
And to top it all off tomorrow is my birthday, but i have been so stressed with school and exams that i forgot, and didn't make any plans, so it is properly going to be a birthday alone.
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Prospero101
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Prospero101 » 09 Jun 2016, 15:40

If everyone could just...stop constantly changing who they are and what they do, that'd be great.
It's all over but the crying. And the taxes.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 09 Jun 2016, 17:16

Prospero101 wrote:If everyone could just... stop constantly changing who they are and what they do, that'd be great.
I'd like that, too, but despite what I'd like, change is inevitable, unfortunately. And the modern world has only accelerated things changing.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby MrL » 10 Jun 2016, 09:12

This might be obvious but alcohol and SSRI's are not the best mix...
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby betsytheripper » 13 Jun 2016, 20:38

Might as well finish the trifecta of anger, joy, and sadness...

It's really sunk in the last couple days how much I miss B. Sometimes I'm okay and thinking about him is just "oh, yeah." But the last 48-72-ish hours has been a lot more rough. Like, chest achy, uncontrollable tearing up, rough. I've been trying to let myself just work through it and cry it out when I can, while keeping that bit in the back of my head objective about am I missing him or just having someone, and while yes, I do miss just having a person I can be that way with, I just clicked with him. In a way it's taken me years to click with other people. And knowing that it's more than likely and trying to accept that he's never going to want me in the same way.

Well, it's not doing good things for my self esteem, confidence, and long term outlook on life.

Related: I memorized all the lyrics to Needing/Getting by OK Go. That is not a happy song.
-betsy
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Danielle Pepin » 14 Jun 2016, 23:29

Jenelmo, my birthdays have been like that more frequently. I hope you at at least had some sort of fun since your last post and happy belated birthday.

I'm a bit surprised that switching assistance types doesn't account for the dates like they should be doing....The one that pays on the 30th should include the interest on loans to pay your rent on the first so you don't get into a dire arrears situation.
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Jenelmo
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jenelmo » 15 Jun 2016, 11:37

Had a great day, the day after my birthday, a friend from class had an exam she was nervous about, so i went to school to be there for her, i arrive a little before her, and when she arrives she is carrying a box with beers, candy and other gifts.
She had mentioned that she was annoyed that she had to study for my birthday, but we have just know each other for a few months as she only joined my class in Feb, so i had no expectations about her getting me anything.
After her exam (Which she aced, in a class she hated), we went out getting something to eat, and sitting outside in a pub getting a drink.
Friday may have sucked as well, but this day made up for it, as it was the best day i have had in weeks
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Phi » 16 Jun 2016, 01:12

Glad to read that you had this positive experience, Jenelmo.

I also want to share that I was accepted to art studies in Finalnd, and will be moving there in August.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Avistew » 16 Jun 2016, 14:14

Awesome, Jenelmo, and grats, Phi! That sounds pretty exciting, good luck with your art studies :)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 27 Jun 2016, 12:01

I am rather wound up about the whole Brexit shitshow. I am paid out an European Research Council grant and my supervisor is threatening to take the grant with him to Spain.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby MrL » 27 Jun 2016, 12:47

It was just an "advising election" so what are the actual odds it translate into action…?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Master Gunner » 27 Jun 2016, 14:23

Rather high - the current bets are that when David Cameron officially resigns in October, he will be replaced by a pro-leave member of the Conservative party (likely Boris Johnson) who will invoke Article 50.

While most of the current MPs are pro-EU, few would want to go against a public referendum (and several have already come out saying they will respect the results). As well, from a technical perspective, the Prime Minister can invoke Article 50 even without the approval of Parliament.

The only way I can see the UK being able to stay in at this point is if they hold a second referendum (politically risky), or a majority of MPs (which would have to include Conservatives going against their own leadership, as the UK Parliament is currently a Conservative Majority) forcing through a non-confidence bill to force a General Election. In a GE, the MPs could then campaign on a platform of staying in - but that's also politically risky and could just as easily result in a Pro-Leave parliament.

Even if the UK does manage to pull itself back an stays in the EU, its still done long-lasting damage to UK/EU relations, and could have long-lasting impacts on the UK's economy regardless.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 27 Jun 2016, 19:42

If I could stop feeling horrible for a second so that I can focus on reading my course books that would be GREAT... and yet I know it's my own fault for being a forgetful idiot and mixing up how much I had left of my meds, and have now gone the last 3 days without any due to the chemist being closed and not having the energy to drag my ass there to pick up more when it was open.

Just, fuck... I can't stand this feeling of loneliness.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Phi » 28 Jun 2016, 01:15

I had a similar situation, Deedles. Just remember that it is your chemistry that is acting up. It is human to err, right?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jenelmo » 03 Jul 2016, 12:41

I had to tell my mother that because i have not had success the last few months finding an internship for the fall, i can't travel to see her this summer (She lives in another country) as i need to be home if I get an interview anywhere. This means i properly wont see her until Christmas, and i almost haven't seen her this year.
I could hear the disappointment in her voice that cracked when i told her. And it is my fault, if I just had started applying earlier, had gotten better grades or just written better applications then this wouldn't happen.

Then i tried reaching out to a friend, but being the self absorbed idiot that i am, when she didn't answer instead of thinking "Hey she doesn't want to talk", i kept messaging even through if i had just taken some time to think i would have remembered that today she was visiting her brother before he leaves.
And when i remembered this i send a message trying to say that i would give her space but i worded it badly and i think i just made it worse.
Now i don't know what to do, i want to tell her how sorry i am for how i acted, but i am afraid that anything i say will make it worse. I could also just not message or contact her for the next couple of days.
The thing is that later this months she leaves for a year in Australia, and i would hate if we leave on bad terms or even just don't get to hang out and talk before she leaves.

And to top of a day with bad decisions, i ended up calling my x, and even though it was nice talking to her i just know that it is going to haunt me for the next couple days, with thoughts of what if and maybe's for something that can't happen
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby betsytheripper » 03 Jul 2016, 17:17

While I've generally been feeling pretty good and stable the last few weeks, this weekend the whole situation with my ex is getting to me.

He lied to my face. He lied to his friends. And all about stupid little things. Silly shit you don't need to lie about. Especially among his oldest friends, why is he trying to save face over being late by blaming traffic instead of just admitting he was dicking around?

He admitted he never wanted to date me. So I was six months of just fucking around? I'm feeling used and dirty. And I met him through an event that I participate in. I've been doing it for years, and though my interest has waned recently, the thought that it's coming up and he's going to be participating makes me sick. I don't think I can participate this year. I just can't see him.

With hindsight and distance, I've started seeing just how much of a garbage person he is. And I'm flipflopping between being furious and disgusted with myself that I was used so badly.

And though it's really not worth my time, I'd love to tell his friends and family word for word what he said to me. So they all know exactly what happened, because I'm absolutely sure he's lied to them about the circumstances of our break up. He lies to pretty much everyone about pretty much everything, it's like he lives an entire second life.

I'm slowly healing. Slowly feeling less filthy. And I know I need to let myself have these feelings and process them. But I want to just turn them off and keep going with my life.
-betsy
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 03 Jul 2016, 18:24

Betsy, I don't know what to say other than *hugs* and it sounds like you really made the right call. I'm glad you're not still in that situation.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 03 Jul 2016, 20:34

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that Betsy. What a fucking douchebag... *hugs tight*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 04 Jul 2016, 01:48

Betsy: the more people I meet and the more I see of them, the more I'm convinced that the lies we are willing to tell to others are naught compared to the lies we are willing to tell ourselves. This sounds to me like his attempt to artificially justify the whole business to himself after the fact, which he is passing on to others in order to legitimise it inside his own head.

It may be somewhat cowardly, but it is not an unusual tendency. My advice, as ever, is to not hate, not dwell, chalk it up to experience and move on to better things.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby betsytheripper » 08 Jul 2016, 12:59

Thanks all. I have been consistently more bothered by the fact that I know he'll be at this event and all the people involved won't know how much of an ass he really is.

It's also on my mind that he wanted me to tell him how a procedure I was having went. Like, in the same breath as "I never really wanted to date you", I got "but tell me how that goes next week". What kind of entitled bullshit is that? I haven't spoken to him since before I got it done (so 5ish weeks now), and was reminded because I got the bill this week. He doesn't deserve to know. All his claims about caring about me? Yeah, I don't care, and he doesn't get to be part of my life anymore.

I know I have a hard time letting go of things. I still get angry at people that I haven't spoken to or seen in a decade. But I also feel like the genuinely good people at this event should know what a scumbag he is. And I do sort of want to tear his rich white boy entitlement down around him.

Now I've gotten myself kind of angry and worked up. But I'm sure he's playing the victim, saying that I pressured him into dating. Yes, I pursued him, but I gave him every out. I asked him pretty frequently, whenever he seemed hesitant, if he was sure he wanted to keep dating. He always said yes. When I asked him about the first few dates, I tried to let him have control: if he wanted to, when he wanted to. I made it a point that if either of us felt like we didn't want to do it anymore, we had to stop. He claimed at the end that I didn't give him time to want to date me, because we didn't hang out as friends first. He then tried to generalize about "men take it slower" and "women jump in" and I called him out on that bullshit. If he had just said at the start that he didn't want to go on a date, guess what, I wouldn't have asked again.

I've stopped trying to make sense of it. Because it's not worth my time. But it still frustrates me, and, like I said, I wish I could tell the people at this event all of the shitty things he did. But telling anyone helps. At the very least, I have a whole new set of red flags to add to my prospective partners filtering database.

Thanks for letting me ramble and get it out. <3
-betsy
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Prospero101 » 11 Jul 2016, 22:26

Why am I always on the outside?

Every few months, a new craze sweeps the Internet. It dominates my Twitter feed, fills every subreddit with context-sensitive memetics, and the gifs, oh DEAR GOD THE GIFS. But it's always, always, ALWAYS something I'm just not into.

It happened with Breaking Bad. It happened (and to a certain extent still happens) with Game of Thrones. It happened with Undertale and Firewatch and Hamilton and Arrow/Supergirl/The Flash/CW DC Shenaniganery. Now it's happening with Pokemon Go.

It's not as if I reflexively hate everything that becomes popular with my demographic. I've honestly given all of the things listed above their fair shake, and I'm just not into any of them. It's almost as if I'm not allowed to be in on the fun. Always on the outside of the inside joke.
It's all over but the crying. And the taxes.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 12 Jul 2016, 02:27

I get the same Pros. It's not anything unusual; all it really means is that your tastes don't quite align with those of the kinds of people who post lots of things on your Twitter feed- which is not exactly unusual.

And if that's not your thing, well that's just fine. There are *always* people having fun that you aren't or can't for whatever reason, and if you don't find certain activities fun one way or the other then it's a simple* exercise of seeking out what you do. For example: Katy Perry has more Twitter followers than the population of the UK, but I don't like her music so listen to Bellowhead and Halestorm instead.

*"simple" in this context is not intended to be reductive or derogatory, point being it's not some earth shattering, insoluble problem.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 14 Jul 2016, 02:24

I have a tendency to blame myself for everything. I always feel like I should have done more to stop things from happening, or that I've inadvertently caused something.

I always feel like I'm bothering people. Every time I say anything, it feels like I'm distracting them from something they care more about. Just an annoying pest that buzzing around people. I genuinely apologize to people quite often because I think I'm annoying them. When I post, I feel like I'm wasting peoples' time on stuff they don't care about. Or that it'll turn into an argument. Or that I'll just be wrong and look stupid.

I'm a very negative person. Things are never going to go well. When I try to examine something, I tend to see the negative rather the positive. T try to twist it into constructive criticism. But it always comes off as whiny and nitpicky rather than helpful. I need to try mentioning the positive stuff, but it always seems to focus on the worst and never the best. Though honestly, there's no reason anyone should care about my opinion anyways.

Paranoia sucks.

All this, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I know people will offer. I know I could. But I can't. I'm not sure why. Maybe if I don't say it, it won't be real. Maybe it's because if I told them the truth, they'd just see who I really am and hate me just as much as I do. Just some dick who hates everything and uses people to his full advantage.

I hate me. I'd much rather be someone or something else.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby MinniChi » 14 Jul 2016, 10:46

Kapol wrote:I hate me. I'd much rather be someone or something else.


That's okay. We still like you.


A little girl in our apartment building may have just lost her mother. She is only a few years older than my son and I feel terrible about it. But this news is from Facebook and I don't want to believe I would learn such news in this manner. Now I feel like a shitty friend because I've been too busy with work and my kids to talk to her and have the kids play together.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 14 Jul 2016, 19:49

MinniChi wrote:That's okay. We still like you.


Thank you. I appreciate it. As for what may have happened, that's really sad. But it sounds like there wasn't much you could have done differently if you were busy. There isn't a ton that can be done in that type of situation.

Unrelated, but to be clear on one thing I mentioned, I do appreciate that people who have offered to listen if I needed it. It's one thing I really like about this community overall, and I didn't mean to underplay that. It's more that I know I'd never actually use the help, here or from my RL friends. It's more me having trouble opening up to people than a knock against anyone.

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