Postby the_lone_bard » 03 Jun 2012, 09:39
So yeah, this post got really far away from me. Sorry about that.
Lately my life keeps getting worse and worse. And just think about that for a second, 9 months ago I thought i'd hit rock bottom. And yet I just keep getting worse and worse. My insomnia's creeped back into my life, a side effect of trying to hold onto the one good thing that remains in my life, Music. I listen to music, and then I keep listening, and then I know I should go to bed, but I need to listen more. And then it's 4:30am.
Money's also becoming more and more of a problem, nothing like that feeling of shame as you walk to the milkbar to buy smokes with $18 in 5c pieces. Or cleaning your glasses and having the lens fall out only to think "Jesus fuck, please don't break, I can't see withoutyou and it'll be 6 months before I can afford a new pair!"
Me and friend X aren't talking again. She asked why I wasn't talking to her last week and I just told her, I'm sick of hearing more about her life from mutual friends, than from her. I could ask her what the weather was like today and she'd tell me somewhere between blizzard and firestorm.
I don't regret not talking to her at the moment, but it still feels like shit knowing that someone who you care about alot, isn't speaking to you.
My grandmothers at it again. Last week walked out and she'd decided to use the Pasta sauce I defrosted for herself. Told her I've asked her not to touch my food, and now I've got nothing to eat and she decided to flip the fuck out, started screaming as if I'd just killed a kitten. Ended with her telling me to go hungry, and to get the fuck out or she's calling the cops to kick me out. My grandfather eventually told her to calm down and she started screaming at him that if he doesn't like it he can get out with me.
My father continues to ignore my existence. No surprises there.
Centerlink is breathing down my neck because I can't go to school. Completely ignore me when I tell them why, just respond with "Don't care if you can't afford it, you either go or you don't get any money." Basically saying not my problem if I can afford to eat or not.
On the subject of eating, for the last three weeks my stomach's been staging a mutiny. I eat something, it does it's best to straight up murder me in response. Should really go to a doctor, but I can't afford the bus trip down, there, let alone anything I get for it. My left ears also been infected for the last two weeks, I wasn't even aware there was that much fluid in my body, but apparenly my ears hold a portal to the nether realm, and it's full of clear pus. My leg's also been on and off lately, it shows up and pisses off after a day or two though, so I think i'm just sleeping awkwardly or something, rather than it going full 'fuck you' mode.
Weather is nice too, outside is warmer than my fucking room, I go to bed fully dressed with two blankets and still it takes half an hour to feel my feet again.
I can also no longer afford to go out one day a week like I used too. Fun, I picked up a brand new copy of RISK and DIPLOMACY for $30, and can't even go out and find someone to play them with at the local game shop.
I find myself increasingly unable to tell if what I'm saying is incredibly offensive. That's also fun.
The girl that I love(d), the one in Darwin who's with another guy, finally accepted the fact that there is no way for me to get the girl anymore. That was... Crushing. For 5 years now I've loved her, and wished more than anything to just have her, don't care about a job, house, money, familly or friends, everything else coulda fucked right off if I just had her. But now she's gone, and I'm not a big enough cunt to try and fuck up her relationship just to get another chance.
And, nobody needs me anymore. All through my depression I had friends that were in shitty situations, who needed help just as much as I did. And that kept me going, kept me working towards something, there was always a plan. Get through school, get a job, get money, move out, help the people close to me no matter what. And now, now none of them need help, they don't avoid me, but it seems like everyone of my relationships was built entirely around me helping them deal with their problems. And now they don't need me so we rarely talk. I realised on monday, that it'd been a week since I talked to anyone outside of my guild on WoW. They're all great people, but I feel kinda like I don't belong there. at least not in a group, when we're raiding, it's fine, but when we're just in guild chat doin whatever, I feel like the odd one out. and that's just plain weird.
And to top it all off, alot of you have read my posts over in vent about my history with my mother.
Well, I've been trying to get in touch with her, try and go to her for help. She's either avoiding me or doesn't check email, facebook or pick up her phone anymore.
That's how fucked my life feels these days, I turned to the last person in the world I ever thought I'd be seeking help from, and got fucking rejected!
Nights are the worst though. I sit/lay and think, and even though I still feel like I could do anything in the world, cure fucking cancer if I had half the chance, the overwhelming feeling now is just hopelessness. I've fought to survive for 19 years. Fought for every, damn, little thing in my life. and where's it got me? Worse and worse off. I'm now a prisoner on the sinking ship that is my life, trying desperately to use duct tape to patch up the million gigantic holes sinking it. Maybe if i'd just laid down and taken it as a teen and let my mother rule my life i'd have passed highschool. gotten a job and had a life by now. Maybe if I hadn't fought so hard against my grandmother, for the basic right of being treated like a person, my life woulda kept getting better here.But no, I had to be me, had to live by the rule that everyone is an equal, nobody is above me and the onlyones below me have proven that they earned it. I'm so fucking sick of fighting, I just want it to be over, but if it ever does end, then what? How would I react in a world not trying to crush me at every second? If it ever stops, will I ever have a normal, functional life?
And ya know what the kicker is? two weeks ago I went to school, first day in about 3 months I'd had the money to go, and we wound up at an engineering firm, doing basically vocab cert 1. (I've already got cert 2, so just derped off) but there was a point where one of the guys passed around a folder of civil engineering plans, strangely enough for the roadworks going on directly outside of my local game store. Seriously, that's just weird co-incidence shit. And I looked at it, and I understood it. Not everything about it, but I could see what meant what, and how it was supposed to work, I couldn't reverse engineer it to tell you how they came to the conclusion that X goes to Y, but I understood that X does in fact, go to Y. So I looked more, and more and figured out that I could have been handed these, and been able to tell a construction crew what to do. And then it hit me, the thing that I'd been trying to figure out about myself for the last 5 or so years, I pick up and understand things I have no damned right to understand in no time. It's why I always find things so damned easy, it's not just that I'm getting served things that are dumb. And yes, this sounds incredibly arrogant, I know. But I finally figured it out, why I feel like I can do anything is because if I pay attention to something, I probably can do anything. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I know if any psychologist seen inside my head they'd probably run screaming in the opposite direction and not stop till they hit Canada.
But, at the end of the day I'm just tired. So fucking tired of it all, of life. I've never been the type to think of commiting suicide, so I'm safe on that account. The entire thing fascinates me though, but fucked if I fought this long just to go out by my own hand. If the universe wants me, it can come and take me. The problem is, I'm too tired to fight it anymore if it does. I honestly just wanna curl up on the ground and wait it out.
Well fuck, that got away from me, I originally intended to only write the first half a paragraph of this, and 45 minutes later, here I am. an entire chapter out of the book that is me. So, apologies if this makes anyone else feel like crap. but hey, it's the depressing thread, and I decided along time ago to stop posting this crap in venting thread.
