The depressing depression thread

[JackSlack]

My emotions in song (Warning, NSFW, swearing, some strobing, epilepsy warning).

[hascow]

Loneliness sucks. I had a great lazy day to myself, even had a friend over to watch some sports for a few hours. Thought I felt good, but as soon as I was back alone, down the rabbit hole my brain went. I don't even know what it's thinking at this point. It's just a generic feeling of sadness and lethargy. Blech. I need to get a nice run in tomorrow morning so that I can be refreshed and maybe even run my RPG? Because I won't be able to if I'm like this.

[Ptangmatik]

Guh. At work, can't stop thinking about old mistakes, old moments of idiocy. Feeling pretty crappy.

Might be because I had a nightmare last night, woke up at 4 panicking my head off. Haven't had a proper eight hours in about a week and a half.

[Duckay]

I've decided to make myself feel better (and make it easier to explain) by personifying my brain*. Being duckay feels like Bob Hoskins or Danny DeVito following me around. Little fairy wings keeping them off the ground, and a cigar in their mouth. And all day long, they second guess me. They tell me what I've done wrong, what everyone is secretly thinking of me, all the fallout of everything I do, that I'm fat and lazy and stupid.

Right now they're telling me "everyone feels like that, you're not special, you just can't deal with it like a grown up".

I don't know if they're right.

*I'm not hallucinating, I don't actually see little fairy people. Making the intrusive thoughts cute helps, though.

[AdmiralMemo]

My little personified brain routinely tells me to either use a shotgun or a guillotine to remove my head, because I'm a friggin' idiot that no one likes and everyone would be better off without me. I have so far ignored him.

[cuddlyblade]

Mine tells me to kill everybody else. So far I havn't come up with a good plan for it yet.

[AdmiralMemo]

Oh, that's the alternate plan mine has, too. Usually by some sort of suicide bomber plan. It's typically not EVERYBODY else... Just the people I don't like.

[Duckay]

Okay, yours is worse. I'm sorry I brought it up. :/

[cuddlyblade]

Okay, yours is worse. I'm sorry I brought it up. :/

Why would you be sorry for talking about a problem your having? Does it matter if somebody elses's is "worse"? I don't think that makes your problem any less relevant and I'm very sorry if I in any way made you feel that way.

[AdmiralMemo]

Yeah, just because someone has it worse than you doesn't mean your problem isn't relevant.

"My finger got cut off!"
"Well, some people don't have legs. Suck it up!"

Yeah, that doesn't work in physical issues, so it won't in mental issues either. Duckay: Your issue is totally relevant.

I recommend reading this comic, Duckay.

Especially this - Click to Expand

[hascow]

Perfect comic. That's exactly how I feel(including the running part, which is weird, as I only started doing that recently).

[auberginequeen]

I have the demons too. I think a lot of people do. In fact, I have a hard time understanding people who don't. I can't tell if people are really that confident or are just really good liars (though I suspect the latter).

The comic made me think: I wonder if it's a case of finding something that silences them. I don't tend to second-guess myself when I'm socializing with close friends (or drunk, though that's the worse option of the two). The guy from The Oatmeal doesn't second-guess himself when he's running. Is there anything you do already that curbs the ruminating?

P.S.: Mondo hugs for you, Duckay. Even if their problems were "worse" than yours, that doesn't in any way invalidate your feelings. As long as it bothers you it is a legitimate concern and you have every right to feel however you feel.

[Duckay]

I admit, I find that thought disheartening. If everyone feels that way, what's wrong with me that it brings me down so hard? If it's normal to feel like that, why does it cause such self-destructive behaviours and thought patterns in me? (As for does something curb it? Not that I've found. Not for long, anyway - it comes back with a vengeance if I get distracted for long). Now I can't help but wonder if my therapist was laughing at me for coming to her about this. :/ It certainly makes me put the thought of going back in a different light.

I guess I'm just in a mood right now.

[Ptangmatik]

Okay, yours is worse. I'm sorry I brought it up. :/

Why would you be sorry for talking about a problem your having? Does it matter if somebody elses's is "worse"? I don't think that makes your problem any less relevant and I'm very sorry if I in any way made you feel that way.

My voice just tells me to consider jumping off every ledge, bridge, basically any height I encounter. How easy it would be to vault the protective railing or fence etc. What the fall would feel like, what the sudden arrival of the floor would feel like on my face as I bled/haemorrhaged to death (whether it'd be concrete, tarmac, grass, stone, water etc. is different for each ledge, I generally feel utterly compelled to look over the edge to see what floor would hit me), how my spine and ribs and arms would shatter.

I experience a sort of horrified fascination with the idea, every time. Needless to say, I generally try to avoid going out on ledges, balconies, bridges, roofs, etc.

I'm honestly not particularly scared of heights.

[Dutch guy]

I admit, I find that thought disheartening. If everyone feels that way, what's wrong with me that it brings me down so hard? If it's normal to feel like that, why does it cause such self-destructive behaviours and thought patterns in me? (As for does something curb it? Not that I've found. Not for long, anyway - it comes back with a vengeance if I get distracted for long). Now I can't help but wonder if my therapist was laughing at me for coming to her about this. :/ It certainly makes me put the thought of going back in a different light.

I guess I'm just in a mood right now.

Nothing is wrong with you. And don't ever think otherwise. Your therapist certainly wont laugh at you for coming for help. Dealing with the inner voices can be hard for anyone. Some might manage to handle it, others need some help. The fact you find it such a problem means its a problem. Period. No therapist will laugh about someone dealing with an "asshole inner voice". If they do, please point them out to me so I can make it a personal mission to go kick them in the face.

[AdmiralMemo]

Welp, a guy I went to school with who was only 2 grades ahead of me just up and had a heart attack and died. He was a very healthy guy, always active, too. What's up with that?

[Dutch guy]

Welp, a guy I went to school with who was only 2 grades ahead of me just up and had a heart attack and died. He was a very healthy guy, always active, too. What's up with that?

Probably a heart defect he's had since youth that hasn't shown up so far BECAUSE he was very healthy.

[RytelCSF]

People keep telling me that I'm good. They keep telling me that I'm kind. They keep telling me that I'm worth something.

I want proof. I want evidence.

It shouldn't be that hard, should it? If you truly mean what you're saying and aren't just saying things for the sake of saying them, shouldn't you have something to point to that proves that I'm good?

Now, I don't expect any of you to have any such proof. You don't know me. I'm not part of the tightknit community here; I'll be the first one to admit that. But then, why say I'm good? How can you be so sure?

I debate every day if I'm a good person, and I tend to err on the side of me not being one. It's safer that way. Less arrogant.

But to me, without any evidence, "you're a good person" sounds an awful lot like "you're a nice guy," and we all know how horrible nice guys are.

Maybe I'm wrong and maybe you know something I don't, but if that's the case, then please tell me:

What the hell have I ever done for any of you?

[My pseudonym is Ix]

About everything you could do from 3000 miles away, for me at least. You provide me with company and entertainment when I'm alone at my computer, and you've comforted me when I felt sad. From that distance, can a man offer any more?

[RytelCSF]

I would agree with you except I honestly can't recall doing either of those things. I don't say much in here outside of my whining because I'm never really sure what to say. I don't really have any good advice; it's rare I've been in a similar situation and my methods of coping are less than healthy.

You all support me, but I don't support you all as well as I should.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

Really, RytelCSF? Because, from where I'm sitting, Ix is saying that you do. You may not think so, but if Ix says you've helped... well. Objectively, you did. There's your proof.

[AdmiralMemo]

Dude, your tree tower on LRRcraft was the inspiration for Sibanamush to build his thing. And it makes me sad that you have yet to return. I like you and I would like to see you continue to build on LRRcraft.

Your tower is something tangible in a gaming sense and people who've gone by have commented on it.

[RytelCSF]

Wait what. I never actually finished that thing; I got bored. Who inspired what now? (This might wanna go to some other thread because it'll get off topic, but- and I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way- I honestly don't know what you're talking about.)

[AdmiralMemo]

Wait what. I never actually finished that thing; I got bored. Who inspired what now? (This might wanna go to some other thread because it'll get off topic, but- and I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way- I honestly don't know what you're talking about.)

First, I'm keeping this in this thread, because this is about your depression, and the fact that you seem to believe that you don't make a tangible difference to us. You wanted evidence of your worth, so I'm trying to give it to you.

Second, I know you don't know what I'm talking about, really, because you haven't returned to the server to find out. However, "I got bored" is not the reason you said you left the server previously. You said it was due to the fact that I shot arrows at you, which, to me, was just playing around at the time, but you interpreted as a GTFO signal, in your words.

In any case, despite the incomplete nature of what you did, it was an inspiration to another player. Your unfinished tower is here.
Now, look a bit to the south. This is Sibanamush's tree tower. Note the similar spiral structure in the trunk. Sib did his own thing with a giant treetop and an airship dock, but the trunk is clearly based on your design. Sibanamush has spoken a couple of times about how he was exploring, found your tower, and thought "I like this idea, and want to take it in my own direction."

Had you not come along and done your thing, Sib's tree either wouldn't have been built at all, lacking the inspiration, or at the very least, would've been built quite differently.

And if that doesn't count as evidence of some of the impact you've made on us, I don't know what else will convince you.

[RytelCSF]

Second, I know you don't know what I'm talking about, really, because you haven't returned to the server to find out. However, "I got bored" is not the reason you said you left the server previously. You said it was due to the fact that I shot arrows at you, which, to me, was just playing around at the time, but you interpreted as a GTFO signal, in your words.

I got bored building it before I left the server. If you'll look at it you'll notice it isn't complete; the torches only go up about 2/3s of the way and the actual living area on top barely exists. "I got bored" is why I stopped that particular project, not why I left the server altogether.

In any case, despite the incomplete nature of what you did, it was an inspiration to another player. Your unfinished tower is here.
Now, look a bit to the south. This is Sibanamush's tree tower. Note the similar spiral structure in the trunk. Sib did his own thing with a giant treetop and an airship dock, but the trunk is clearly based on your design. Sibanamush has spoken a couple of times about how he was exploring, found your tower, and thought "I like this idea, and want to take it in my own direction."

Had you not come along and done your thing, Sib's tree either wouldn't have been built at all, lacking the inspiration, or at the very least, would've been built quite differently.

And if that doesn't count as evidence of some of the impact you've made on us, I don't know what else will convince you.

I will concede that point.

And there may be a spot in the ocean that needs a Catan board.