The depressing depression thread

[Phi]

So my therapist suggested me to consider taking medication for my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I know the side effects, so this option scares me quite a lot. I have tried a certain type of anti-depressants 5 years ago and I remember feeling extra terrible in the first month and a half, and then nothing happened.
However, I am becoming more willing to go in that direction. I feel like I can't manage my life anymore. I have suicidal thoughts very frequently and I generally feel like I am dead or dying, along with being anxious and panicking a few times a day. I am scared..

[JustAName]

Sometimes they don't get the meds right on the first try. But there SHOULD be meds that CAN help. And it really sounds like you need a little help to get yourself out of where you are. Please try. It's worth it.

[AdmiralMemo]

Yeah, when I was diagnosed with ADD, I was put on Ritalin. After a couple months, they realized it was what was causing me to be suicidal, so they switched it up to Dexadrine, and I was much better. They're not perfect, but they know there's probably something that'll work, so they try to find it.

[theknightofiron]

hi all
i'm an aspie (a person with aspergers syndrome)
i just realized this thread existed and while i'm in a pretty good place at the moment i wanted to talk about my experiences with depression from earlier in my life.
but i'll admit i am a little nervous about this so i'm just going to ease into this.

When i was five i was diagnosed (wrongly it turned out eventually) with DAMP (deficit of attentive motor planing) a mental condition with possibly the worst acronym ever (hey look there that kid who's damp in the head) and was treated for this with pills for ADD. from the age of five until half way through year 12 i was taking these pills and they had a number of side effects. to this day i don't remember too much of that time. but i wish i remembered nothing from it. because i was often immensely cruel to everyone around me, without even thinking about it. suffice to say that aside from my family i didn't and still don't have many friends.
within the first two weeks of year eleven i was struck by a car while crossing the road.(i stepped out from in front of a school bus) the head injury i received are probably what wiped out much of my coherent memories of earlier life. it also paved the way for my eventual diagnosis of aspergers. as i don't remember anything of the day i was hit, i still wonder if it was an accident or an attempt to end my own life.
Eventually my high school got a Therapist and i realized that going to see her was a good way of avoiding class. i used the accident as an excuse to spent a lot of time there and eventually she noticed some things that suggested that i might have been wrongly diagnosed. after seeing two more outside of school i was eventually diagnosed and slowly taken off the drugs. it was only after when i was seeing the psychologist that i realized i had also been suffering from depression for all those years too.
that was about four years ago.
things are better now. but i always carry the kindness of all the people who helped me, even though i was a monster.


Wow that just poured out of me. anyway i'm working had these days to become an author, hopefully i can finish the book i'm working on.
if anyone would like to know more just let me know. additionally if anyone would like to know more about aspergers you can also let me know. or go here http://wrongplanet.net/ there's a whole forum for people who have it, know someone who does or are just interested.
thanks for reading my story. i am now in tears. bye

[LokiTheLiar]

Hi theknightofiron, welcome to the thread. No need to be nervous about sharing your story, we're here for you.

First of all - *hugs*
You are a real badass and you should be proud of yourself. You managed to get through some real tough times in your life and kept on going despite all the problems. I hope you succeed as an author, good luck with your book

[Deedles]

I'm glad you decided to share your story with us, Knight. It was brave. Thank you. *hugs*

You're obviously very strong, to of made it through the things that you have, and I'm sure you'll keep going. I'd like to know a bit more about the book you're writing, if you feel ready to talk about it.

[theknightofiron]

Thanks guys.
I really do appreciate it.
i just re read it and i'm just shocked, i still don't understand how i survived it all. I've never put it all down on paper before.
@Deedles sure thing i can fill you in on my book.
i'm a big fan of Science Fiction going way back. I've been reading on an adult level since i was about eight and SciFi was usually what i was drawn to. So i have had a few cracks at writing my own. most of them just fizzled but this time i have persevered through the page 6 block. (so called because that's about where i usually give up.)
Anyway its a SciFi story about a group of escaped experiments from a secret super soldier lab. The leader Darkeyes is a psionic, and he and his sister (not actually his sister they were born in pods) escape using their powers, which they have been hiding most of them from the researchers and guards. as they escape they pick up a few more experiments. after they leave the facility the ship they are in is taken by a mysterious alien vessel drawn to Darkeyes power.
if anyone would like to read what i have so far feel free to send me a pm i'll send you a link to where you can download it.

[Jamfalcon]

Sounds like you've been through an awful lot, but it's good to hear after all that you're doing better, and it's great that you're willing to share and potentially help other people by doing so.

And by the way, there's a writing thread that was recently bumped back up to the top. It's not the most active one around here, but I know there are plenty of other writers here (myself included) so if you ever want to talk about anything in that department, I expect you'll find plenty of conversation.

[AdmiralMemo]

Ugh... today's a day that I wake up wondering if I should've woken up in the first place.

[Deedles]

*hugs* I know the feeling Memo, and the answer is; Yes, you should've. I know it feels bad right now, but the feeling passes with time and gets better. Just hang in there.

[Phi]

Memo, there will always be days like these. Sometimes it helps to do a lot of the things you know can cheer you up all in that day, or at least those that help you just relax and pass the day. Tomorrow will be something else.

[theknightofiron]

Memo i understand entirely.
i felt the same all the time during school.
i find that sometimes immersing yourself in something you enjoy can help.
Anyway i hope you have better days soon.

[JustAName]

It's kind of disheartening and kind of angering that people think I'm naive for believing that people can be decent to one another. Aside from being offensive and belittling, the assumption basically means that they aren't willing to put in the effort, and don't believe others are, either, so they make excuses to themselves so that they don't feel shitty. You think it's easy to be kind and supportive all the time? I still fuck up sometimes. But I fucking try. But as long as people like you [the metaphorical you, not directed at anyone here] tell me that it will always be this way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not going to give up no matter how many times you tell me I should. But sometimes it gets really exhausting. And I'm so tired.

[theknightofiron]

Fayili
i'm looking for the words
i wish there was some way of easing that burden.
i wish i could just say sit down, rest a little, let me carry it for you.
Fayili at least you know that people can be decent to each other. because the people that loading ready run have attracted are. i am constantly amazed by everyone else here.
people who say otherwise are simply wrong. and i feel sorry for them.
hope these words help, even if they weren't exactly the words i was looking for.

[Angelofdust337]

Fayili I understand that problem a lot and have it often, though more often its less people telling me naive and more I battle with myself over the issue. I really REALLY try to believe that humans can support and help each other.But I see so many people hurting and insulting each other people, including people I know that are smart and I would think would know better.

When I ever have just one of those days where I can't bring myself to get out of bed or do much of anything, I just end up having this back and forth in my head on things like if empathy is even an innate human quality. I know it sounds stupid but its just something that happens when I have one of those days, which can be often at times.

[Deedles]

I feel the same, Fayili, despite the fact that I know that I fuck up a lot and am not the nicest person around. You're a wonderful person, and I wish that more tried to be like you. I know it's hard and some days you just want to hide from everything because you don't have the energy to care, but that's not bad. Take those days and recharge. Rest a while, it helps.

[betsytheripper]

Was at a big gathering for my boyfriend's family yesterday. It turns out that his mom's best friend (basically an aunt, calls his grandparents mom and dad), works at the same company my ex worked at. She knew him. This came up in conversation. I was so incredibly uncomfortable at the time, and still can't get over it. I put that abusive relationship behind me, and while I'm much better now, thinking about it and him is really not doing me any good. And now I'm worried she'll bring it up again in the future. Along with saying a couple of stupid things (nothing bad, but just not thinking before speaking), I just want to hide under a rock until they forget about me.

[AdmiralMemo]

Edit: [REDACTED]

I've figured out what was wrong and am feeling much better.

[Mister Blue Sky]

I was told I could blurt all this out. So I am. I wrote this several months ago. Before I stopped playing League of Legends, which was the only thing that distracted my mind. Now I mostly just sit around on my couch. Not eat. Not really do much of anything, but tune into streams and pretend the people on them are my friends that don't talk to me and that I can not talk to. Because that's better than what I would have, which is nothing, and no one. Anyway, here's me blurting. I don't know what to do after I post this. Maybe nothing.

[[[This message was flagged as spam and has been denied.]]]

I guess I can link to the bulk of the post in pastebin or something, and you just take me at my word that it's not spam?

http://pastebin.com/qTYEm9xK

That works? I guess?

[LokiTheLiar]

Hey Mister Blue Sky. First of all, welcome to forums, you came to the right place, many people here have similar experiences to what you described. I personally know how much it sucks to feel lonely and unneeded. I can sympathize with the things you said about the voice, the feeling of cold, shaking, I know how it feels and it's fucking miserable. There is no other way to describe it. But you can fight it and no matter how bad things look you shouldn't let yourself think otherwise.
And you are absolutely right about needing to do something to occupy your mind. It's the best way to deal with that voice in your head. You need to have some kind of actvity that makes you forget about your problems, either a hobby or physical exercise. But you can't always do it alone. Don't be afraid to ask other people for help. You said that nobody wants to help you - it's not true. There surely is a lot of people who would be happy to help you - they may just not know that you need help. On top of that you can always count on help of professionals; there is no shame in visiting a therapist. Don't give up. As Alex once said “Just stay alive, tank the aggro and rebuild yourself one small piece at a time.”

[Elomin Sha]

What Loki said.
Feel free to join us in my bag, you'll have a good time...or you'll go insane. Either way you'll be on fire. Full equality there.

[AdmiralMemo]

Regarding the technical aspect, I think it was flagged as spam due to length and the repetitive sentences in the middle.

[Mister Blue Sky]

There surely is a lot of people who would be happy to help you - they may just not know that you need help. On top of that you can always count on help of professionals; there is no shame in visiting a therapist.

It's not from lack of people knowing, both my family and "friends" know. Only my Mom actually truly cares in my estimation. The rest really just could not care less about me. Therapy/psychiatry/whatever did nothing to help me, I've tried that off and on since high school. Medicine only serves to make me feel less "in control" and more weird than I normally do, if it doesn't affect me in some strange (possibly permanent) way. So after basically going through the entire list of meds I took a hard stance against them. Therapists just aggravate me because, it's a circular conversation that I don't want a part of, and I feel as though I'm just wasting time. I mean I'm wasting time anyway, but that way costs money and annoys me. Not worth it.

[LokiTheLiar]

If you think that other people can't help you, do you think you could work on the problem yourself? I mean like create your own therapy, a weekly schedule of acticvities? For example I try to go to my local LGS at least once a week to have some amount of social interactions, at least once a week I go sit alone somewhere in the city to look and other people and scribble in my notebook. Do you think you could do something like that and would it help you feel better?

[Mister Blue Sky]

If you think that other people can't help you, do you think you could work on the problem yourself? I mean like create your own therapy, a weekly schedule of acticvities?

See, it's kind of difficult for me. I used to like, really really care about things. I listened to every new album that came out (almost), I watched lots of movies, caught all the new TV shows, saw some old ones, was getting into anime and comics, played every game start to finish, even getting some 100% done with trophies. Recently though, things have just been falling away, like I just don't care anymore. I have no friends except for like, maybe the one time a month they remember I exist and come over for a little bit, only to barely interact with me while they instead play on their phones or talk to more interesting people they've known for less time than me. People that do things OTHER than stay inside and play videogames or whatnot.

I mainly watch LRL and play stupid iOS games now. Every now and then watch an episode of a show I was keeping up with that's still on (like Supernatural or something). Yes getting more friends would help me, but it's not like that hasn't been brought up before. It's more of the fact my self-esteem has been systematically eradicated. There is like none left. To the point where I assume everyone hates me unless they prove otherwise. Being around a crowd of people or in loud places is just miserable for me, so that leaves out "just go meet some people". I don't meet people. I'm not that guy.

What I wanted to do was just stream some games and maybe catch people watching, but streaming to 0 people constantly just reminds me "oh yeah, nobody likes you, why do you bother?"

In short, no there's nothing I can do, not... easily... let's say. All the normal venues for me to meet new people are kind of non applicable, as far as I can see. I mean I'd gladly give up all of my game library, my movies, everything I have (my media collection is.... excessive) to just have some friends. Real-life friends, that actually care. Double that for a girlfriend (=P) I just don't see a way how.