The depressing depression thread

[LokiTheLiar]

I just finished talking with her and looks like everything is fine again. I'm also going to see a doctor next week to see if I need a therapy or something. Once again thanks for your support guys, you're awesome.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

I'm back on my meds.

It's still getting worse.

This is ****ing ruining me.

[Elomin Sha]

I do a lot of waiting.

[Jamfalcon]

I just finished talking with her and looks like everything is fine again. I'm also going to see a doctor next week to see if I need a therapy or something. Once again thanks for your support guys, you're awesome.

And once again, glad we could help!


And on my own end... nothing too serious, but I just had to cancel plans to go visit my girlfriend for (American) Thanksgiving and meet everyone important to her in her family that I haven't already. But my grandmother is developing signs of Alzheimer's, and is going to be moving in with me until there's space in a care home, so a bedroom needs to be set up by Thursday. It's going to be a tiring week.

[JustAName]

I'm sorry, Jam. That sucks.

[Jamfalcon]

Thanks. It's unfortunate it all came together like this, but obviously everyone understands that it's the way things have to be.

[SmknMirrs]

***I apologize in advance for the long rambling post. I guess I hope that externalizing these thoughts will serve some purpose in the long-term.***

Well, I guess I don't really know exactly how I feel, which is part of the problem. The only thing I'm certain of is that I don't like how anything is going in my life at all. I graduated from university in 2010 with my second degree in Computer Animation, after majoring in music in 2008. Since then, I haven't been able to find any employment related to my desired career of 3D Animation. I was very briefly contracted for a project, but it was almost immediately put on hiatus, so I got nothing from it. I know that most of the jobs are primarily on the west coast, but unfortunately, I'm stuck living at home thanks to ridiculous student loans and a low-paying job. I feel like an idiot because everyone else is out being independent and doing something with themselves while I've already thoroughly screwed up my future. My best friend, who I've known since about elementary school, used to live right down the street from me and was in the same boat up until this past October when she managed to find her own place, so I'm literally the only person I know that is in my crappy position.

For as long as I can remember, I've never been happy. Since middle school, I've been the stereotypical quiet loner who barely has any friends. I've always been far to nervous to try and make any connections with other people. I made all of one good friend in middle school that I haven't spoken to since then, outside of one brief hello when I saw him at work (his mother is one of my co-workers), and I haven't made any new ones since then. The stupid part is that I can't decide if I want/deserve any new friends; sometimes I'd like to have someone to talk to and relate with, but I can't think of anyone that would want to spend time around me other than the one friend I already have, and she usually hangs out with her own clique that shares a lot more in common with her than I.

I've felt especially bad recently due to a lot of things piling up on each other. I started my first relationship with someone I met online in October 2012. Unfortunately, the way that everything turned out in that relationship was the complete opposite of what I expected or wanted. The overall nature of it got very serious much quicker than I was comfortable with, which led to many conflicts and questions from her about whether or not my love was genuine, which led to me doubting my own feelings on more than one occasion. She told me she was tired of being in control and wanted me to lead the relationship, but on Christmas Eve, only a few days after I told her I would dictate the pace, she told me it would be best if just went our separate ways. Turned out that we got back together the day after X-mas, but the problems continued. It seemed like I couldn't go a single week without setting her off. My quiet nature, my difficulty opening up to her parents, my lack of understanding of basic "innate" understanding of what to do in a relationship, my logical versus her purely emotional approach/outlook towards problems/life in general; almost everything about me seemed to act as a source of anger for her. Even my calm demeanor was a point of contention; there was a moment where she told me about something devious that she had done to me, and the fact that I didn't get angry with her made her angry with me.

After only 7 or 8 months, she decided, with my encouragement, to move back home across the country; she felt she had a better chance at starting her career there where it was much cheaper (this is very true). After a few days, she told me through a few IMs that we were in different places in life and we shouldn't be together anymore, but we still had plans to move in together within a year after I somehow gathered the funds to be able to do so. A month after that, she canceled those plans altogether, giving the reason that our personalities simply didn't mesh and that I would be much better off with someone else. When I tearfully objected, she began to reveal a number of things she had done unbeknownst to me during the relationship.

The fact that I asked her to take me back after X-mas, she admitted, was all an act of manipulation on her part. She also admitted to doing things intentionally to hurt my feelings in response to things I had unintentionally done that angered or frustrated her. She told me that she went through my phone behind my back because she thought I was cheating on her with my best friend. I ignored all of this and asked her to reconsider, and the next day she told me that she would keep our plans intact as long as I forgave her for all those things, which I had basically done as soon as she told me about them (as long as we could be together, none of it mattered to me). Six days later, she told me it was ridiculous to wait for me; if I wanted to do anything that involved her, I'd have to let her know, and I'd just have to accept that.

Shortly thereafter, I found out that she had already begun dating someone else that she met through an online profile she had forgotten about, which left me feeling incredibly pointless and inadequate. Even though I was glad that she wasn't alone, I wondered if I really angered her enough to just move on without a second thought. She stopped talking to me almost immediately, and whenever I tried striking up a conversation with her online, her responses were much shorter and colder than usual. I tried speaking to her again in March of this year to tell her how I felt, but her response, while not completely negative, just left me feeling worse than before. Shortly after that talk, I took some advice that she had given me out of concern while we were together (that I couldn't take advantage of at the time) and sought out professional psychiatric help. I started meeting with a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist once a month, and after a few sessions, I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I've been prescribed two different medications that I have to take each day, but I still don't feel like they've had much effect.

I started going back to the gym, which I had wanted to do for a long time, and while I've made progress in terms of my fitness, my overall disposition hasn't changed. Every now and then I write down an idea or two for possible art projects, but I still can't find the motivation to try and realize them. My student loans continue to anchor me down, and I still haven't found a decent paying job nor one within my career field; I don't even feel competent to perform the job that I do have. Like I said, I've hardly ever been happy, but the end of the relationship was the worst part of my life by far. The entire time I was with her, I felt very out of place, like I didn't belong. I never felt truly comfortable around her, mostly because I never considered myself worthy enough to be with her, and it still confuses me as to how someone like me managed to be in a relationship with someone like her at all. Despite all the times she told me I was "so smart" or "so talented", and no matter how much I tried to believe her, I couldn't see it at all myself, and that was an element that contributed to me pushing her away. I know she's better off without me, and it's been about a year and a half since it ended, but I can't stop thinking about her every day and everything that happened between us; all the frustration I caused and how I seemingly did everything wrong. I know it's not good to dwell on the past and let it eat me up inside, but I'm so disappointed in myself for being such a bad partner, and it hurts even more to know that she stopped thinking about me a long time ago.

Sometimes I feel like I can deal with it and move on, but the next moment I feel like an idiot for letting things dissolve the way that they did. My therapist has encouraged me to try searching for others online, but every profile I read leaves me feeling worse about myself than before. Literally every person I've come across is more outgoing, more talented, and has accomplished more than I have in less time, reinforcing the fact that I'm just extremely flawed as a human being. I feel like crap every single day, and my head is frequently filled with thoughts of suicide; my mood rapidly changes from mild depression to wishing nobody cared about me so I could just end it. I know there are plenty of people in the world (many in this thread) that have much more serious problems than I do, and the fact that I feel the way I do about these comparatively insignificant issues makes me feel extra stupid. I don't know, I'm just completely lost right now. Again, sorry for the gigantic post, but I appreciate it if you bothered to read all of whatever the heck this was.

[JustAName]

Dude, her actions sound like emotional abuse. You are not the bad partner here. More to follow in the morning.

[Elomin Sha]

She's evil, you haven't done anything wrong for being who you are.

[JustAName]

Relationships do not conform to some kind of standardized model. That's why communication is so important in them. For her to expect you to just know what to do is absolutely ridiculous, and shows how incredibly selfish she was. It sounds like she expected you to sublimate all of your desires to hers, and was more than happy to help you do that. Seriously, she was preying upon you, pure and simple.

As for your social anxiety, obviously there's no clear-cut solution and it's difficult. For me, learning improvisiational skills through my LARP group actually helped immensely. Improv teaches you not only how to think on your feet, but how to pick up on unspoken social cues, and that is invaluable. I don't know if you have the time or inclination, but if you think you can, I would suggest trying to get involved in an acting or improv group, or even just hanging out with people who are.

And you don't feel talented? You did two degrees. Some people can't even manage the one. You're amazing. Stop selling yourself short.

[Jamfalcon]

I agree with everything Fayili is saying. I'm sure just hearing this doesn't help, but these feelings you're having are your brain lying to you. You might not believe it, but you are just as worthy of being happy as anyone else. Where you are in your life should have no bearing on what you deserve. Of course it makes it harder when you're not where you want to be, but you are no less deserving.

My therapist has encouraged me to try searching for others online, but every profile I read leaves me feeling worse about myself than before. Literally every person I've come across is more outgoing, more talented, and has accomplished more than I have in less time, reinforcing the fact that I'm just extremely flawed as a human being.

Just to respond to this part specifically: online dating profiles are just a chance to make a first impression. And of course, it's only natural for people to want to make the best impression they can. But don't let that intimidate you. Under what looks like perfect person after perfect person, you'll find humans who are flawed and have their own issues, just trying to show their best. They're there because they want to meet someone. So if you see someone who you think you might get along with, don't let their cherry-picked list of achievements scare you off. Say hello, and get to know the actual person, not just the words they choose to describe themselves.

[SmknMirrs]

Thanks for all of your positive words, it really does mean a lot.

Dude, her actions sound like emotional abuse. You are not the bad partner here.

One of the reasons she gave for not wanting me to move in with her was that she would continue to abuse me. I told her that I didn't care, which I now realize was a stupid thing to say, but all I was worried about was losing her. It's uncomfortable to look back on a lot of things she had said and done, and how I just went along with everything without a second thought. I just felt that everything was my fault anyway, so I didn't have the right to complain or object.

The first time she suggested I should seek psychiatric help was the night after an argument she had with me. Based on my responses and behavior, she was concerned that I may have had Asperger's Syndrome. She wasn't the first to mention it, as my mother had brought it up on at least one occasion, and as time passed, I started to hope that I would be formally diagnosed with it so all the puzzle pieces would fall into place, so to speak (my therapist said that she saw evidence of it, but her diagnosis wasn't definitive). She did tell me that she may have had a psychological disorder that explained her abusive nature but she couldn't nor was willing to do anything about it, and I can't help but feel partly to blame for just accepting that without asking why that was the case.

In reference to improvisational groups, I participated in one as a kid, when I was in Kindergarten I think. It was a summer program or something like that where we would spend the day acting out various skits and scenes. I very vaguely remember the details, but I remember it being a lot of fun. I guess it came naturally as a child, but I consider myself far too introverted to attempt something like that nowadays. Many people have suggested I become a radio DJ because of my "deep" voice (don't really hear it myself); I've been curious about voice acting for a long time, but I unfortunately don't have the personality for that kind of work.

[JustAName]

Do not victim-blame yourself. That's one of the shittiest things. So many people accept abuse for so many reasons. It's not your fault.

Yeah, one of the benefits of LARP was that we weren't performing for anyone besides each other. That's why even just hanging around actors or improvisers might help, though. If you can understand the rhythm of banter, you might be able to pick up some cues there.

I can understand why a lot of this might be even more difficult if you're an Aspie, or somewhere on the spectrum. I'm afraid all my advice is still the same, though. Have more interactions with people. Learn more. You can get there eventually.

[Rikadyn]

[Elomin Sha]

If that was a scene from a movie Blade Runner Blues would go perfectly with it.

[Dutch guy]

Fuckity fuckin fuckering fuckety fuck...

And I had such a good period of feeling good. (Possibly the best I've felt in YEARS...)

[korvys]

Sitting in my apartment in kyoto, listening to the rain, i've gone from the glass to the bottle trying to ease the pain of an old wound that keeps being opened again and again. My heart is no longer about love but a constant reminder of it's absence as I pledge to do my damndest to keep others from suffering through this. But myself, no, I don't deserve relief and to give my heart to someone would be too cruel, so rather i keep it under lock and key,, waiting for the day it drags me beneath the waves...

Did you write that? That's beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Today... was bad. For the first time in a very long time, I genuinely wanted to kill someone- worse, the person in question is probably my best friend in the world. I'm running out of people to turn to, running out of ideas of what I can try.

Guys, I'm worried. It's still getting worse- the medication is helping, but not enough (next time I see the doctor I think I'll be asking for an increased dose). My control over my mental state, over my own behaviour, over the sides of my personality that I keep buried (for being arrogant, violent, jealous, all that sort of thing), is slipping. I'm losing control. I haven't felt the desire to pursue joy in over a week, I don't feel like I want to be happy any more. And I Don't. Fucking. Know. What. I. Can. Do.

[Rikadyn]

[King Kool]

I was looking through old threads and found a venting thread where I bemoaned losing a friend when she moved away. I almost never see her, but because she was kind to me, I eventually got a crush on her. I wrote this in the middle of 2010.

After four and a half years, I don't really feel any different. I still think about her every day, and I really doubt she thinks about all that much unless she sees something I post to Facebook.

The one I crushed on for almost a decade who I eventually got over... I no longer think of her with any frequency. I was afraid running into her would set it all back, but it didn't, thank God. It was difficult seeing her, but there was no reestablishment of the crush.

But now I realize that... I only had a tiny window between when that crush finally died and when a new one (not nearly as intense, thank GOD) muscled its way back in. And there are other women out there who are even less powerful versions of the current dominant crush.

What that means is... I never really got over her at all. When the crush finally failed, when the balloon popped, I have a hole and now more than one woman can occupy that space. Whether I put them there deliberately or it's a natural process, they simply take up the same space. It's just not one woman anymore; it's a few.

And it sure doesn't take much. If a woman will say Hi to me before I notice her, that could be all it takes. The fact that she'll say Hi when she could easily walk past and I would never know. That tiny fragment of kindness is enough.

Mostly, I'm just glad social media didn't exist when I was seriously crushing the first one. I might never have gotten over her at all.

[AdmiralMemo]

I just got fired.
It is probably for the best in the long run, but it'll be tough in the short term.

[Jamfalcon]

Sorry to hear that, Memo. =/ Hope you can find something without too much hassle!

[AdmiralMemo]

Same here. In an interesting turn of events, my severance package could do one of two things:

1. Pay for 2 months of living expenses.
2. Pay off all my debt, so I could live debt-free.

That's in interesting dilemma to be in.

[Jamfalcon]

Yeah. I guess if it were me, I'd hold off on paying the debts just yet, because you might need that money to fall back on if you can't find a job as quickly as you'd like.

[elcalen]

Hi again folks, on this nice gloomy autumn/winter day! So my overall mental health stuff is a... work in progress (I'm seeing a doctor about possible depression). But right now I just wanted to vent a little about a more specific thing that's been kinda weighing on my mind recently.

Gaming has always been an important part of my life. I was never very interested in online gaming, though. However, these days with watching Twitch and stuff, I feel I've been opening up to new kinds of games and slowly getting drawn into communities... But the trouble is, I've always been kinda shy and basically felt like an outsider wherever I go (and, when talking about gaming specifically, kind of a scrub)...

Most recently I've been playing Destiny and having a lot of fun with it. But when it comes to the multiplayer portions of the game... I'm curious about it, but I'm finding it very difficult and scary to actually jump into it. I kinda feel like I'm missing out on something here, but when I start playing I chicken out and go for the easier single player stuff...

I joined the LRR clan, but beyond briefly saying hi on the clan's chat, I haven't actually interacted with anyone. From all I've seen LRR folks in general seem like a great, friendly bunch, but I still find making new friends very difficult... (Me being in Europe and most people playing at awkward times of course doesn't help.)

So yeah, that's my brain today. Seems like a kinda trivial thing in the grand scheme of things, but, you know, whatever...

EDIT: And yeah, I think it says a lot about me that I'm here in the depression thread complaining about this, rather than in the gaming section saying 'will you be my friend?'...