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I keep losing track of what I do have and I dwell on what I could have had or no longer have.

It's frustrating that I understand this, but my mind/heart isn't believing it.

When you come across a person who isn't not of your flesh or blood that you feel 100% comfortable in their presence, and then they're many hundreds of miles away and you're not in constant communication, it's really hard. Especially when I learn or think about times in the past you could have spent time with them but declined the invitations because "I couldn't be bothered".

Last night I played my violin with some of my friends and, it was good to begin with. But then I was sad. I was sad that this person wasn't there, with us. And then I had to go and be with myself and play by myself in solitude because I couldn't cope with being around people when I felt like that.

This is all my own doing. These feelings are made by me. Logically I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.

It's interesting, last month I had the privilege of being able to get over all of my regrets and things that brought me shame when I remembered them in one go, out of the blue. But now I feel like I've shed that burden, but now I have a new fresh sparkling burden of different regrets. I suppose, at least it's regrets coming from a "good place", as opposed to a "bad place" e.g. (I have said a lot of stupid things in the past)

I finally took the time to visit the website of our local healthcare system and figure out the procedure for getting mental health help. It's simple enough. Just call the nearest health centre and make an appointment, just like any other illness.

I had a whole day to make the call. I didn't. I can't say I'm really surprised by this.

Maybe tomorrow...

I recognice myself in that, so don't see it as a failure that you didn't call, I think a lot of people can relate. It's scary to reach out IRL, text almost always seemed easier to me(though I'm certain that doesn't apply to everyone), so taking that step can be difficult to do.

Just take it at your pace, seeking help shouldn't be yet another thing to weigh on your mind and makes you feel bad.

Yeah, that's all stuff I'm aware of and understand, on an intellectual level. It's actually kinda fascinating how great the gap is between knowing what you're supposed to be doing and actually doing it. Or, conversely, understanding why you're not doing a thing and doing something about it... Anyway, it's not like my personal situation is very acute. A few days here or there don't make much difference. (I'm just hoping it is, in fact, a matter of days, and not, like, months... again...)

Chronic, non-life threatening ailments can be very challenging, whether mental or physical. You're unsure about it, you put off getting help, and sure, sometimes the problem might go away on its own, but sometimes it only grows worse over time.

Acute problems might be a little easier in that respect. Like, for instance, a couple years ago I had appendicitis. Even though I've always hated making appointments by phone, I sure didn't have a problem calling the health centre after a night of agonising stomach pain! In retrospect, it was even an interesting new experience (and at least I had an excuse for not doing anything while recuperating ).

Yeah, I have eczema, which if chronic, had it for as long as I can remember and it'll be with me for the rest of my life, and if I'm having a bad time with it I'll often not pick up the phone and get an appointment because I'd probably have to wait months for it anyway, so I just deal with it and wait for it to go away, because I at least have ways to deal with it(cleaning the house, cleaning my skin, taking tablets to make the itchiness go down, creams, etc).

That's what made me realize I needed to see a psychologist though, because I don't have any of those little tricks or methods to deal with myself when my mind goes real bad. I'm hoping to get some of that through my appointments now.

Deedles wrote:I'll often not pick up the phone and get an appointment because I'd probably have to wait months for it anyway, so I just deal with it and wait for it to go away

I don't understand this. Why would getting an appointment take months to do? They won't see you within a week or two? If so, why not?

I just...I wish that, someday, introversion and the desire to be alone will not be seen as a sign of mental illness or demonic possession.

My parents have started mocking me and calling me a vampire for how much time I spend in my room which, of course, only leads me to spend more time alone. Hell, I fabricate my work schedule and give myself a couple extra days to just PRETEND to go to work so I can get out of this damned house.

Ask them how their iron count in their blood is.

AdmiralMemo wrote:

Deedles wrote:I'll often not pick up the phone and get an appointment because I'd probably have to wait months for it anyway, so I just deal with it and wait for it to go away

I don't understand this. Why would getting an appointment take months to do? They won't see you within a week or two? If so, why not?

Because I need to a specialists, a dermatologist, and unless my case is an actual emergency I've got to wait until the doctor actually has an appointment free.

Prospero101 wrote:I just...I wish that, someday, introversion and the desire to be alone will not be seen as a sign of mental illness or demonic possession.

My parents have started mocking me and calling me a vampire for how much time I spend in my room which, of course, only leads me to spend more time alone. Hell, I fabricate my work schedule and give myself a couple extra days to just PRETEND to go to work so I can get out of this damned house.

That's just them being old-fashioned by the sounds of it. Shit happens, I guess

Deedles wrote:

AdmiralMemo wrote:

Deedles wrote:I'll often not pick up the phone and get an appointment because I'd probably have to wait months for it anyway, so I just deal with it and wait for it to go away

I don't understand this. Why would getting an appointment take months to do? They won't see you within a week or two? If so, why not?

Because I need to a specialists, a dermatologist, and unless my case is an actual emergency I've got to wait until the doctor actually has an appointment free.

That... kind of sucks that they're that booked up. So many people in your area have skin problems that it would be months before you can see a dermatologist? Sounds bad.

There are a lot, but they don't just deal with people with eczema, but anything like removing birth-marks that are growing(be them benign or malignant), warts, etc. A lot of elderly too who start getting issues with their skin as they've grown older.

I need pie

My parents inform me that I've just about burnt through our insurance. This might not be so bad - after all, it's not all gone yet - but I've still got an MRI and a heart monitor to do. And the facilities I've been going to, it turns out, are the second most expensive around. I probably shouldn't be reacting so strongly to this. We've still got some money, and hopefully my doctors will let me take the MRI at another, cheaper facility. But I can't sleep for worry right now and I keep crying out of the blue.

*Hugs*

:/ *hugs Fayili tightly*

All these people around me, what I wouldn't give to be able to smile like them just for a little while.

I learned I liked , even damn closed to loved, her. Not because she's broken or anything is wrong and that's why I usually like them, I think I can fix them. But I chose wrong. I picked a girl here who had an emotionally abusive boy problem instead of waiting like I have for the past year and a half. After breaking her heart a month and a half ago, I come crawling back asking if there's a chance and all I get is "I don't know". I chose wrong and now I don't think I can fix it. I'm just done

Day started SO WELL... How did it go so wrong?

They have a tendency to do that.

Well, this is turning out to be a pretty crappy night. I've promised to run an RPG session this weekend. A campaign I've been running for a couple years already, but it's been a while since the last session. And now, the night before, when I'm supposed to be preparing, both my creative and social angst is just off the charts and I'm getting nowhere. I used to love game mastering (even if I've always had some issues with confidence)... Anyway, just venting here, hope others are having a better Friday...

Best thing I can suggest is take a break from the preparing and watch/read/play something that you find fun. Get your mind off it for a while.

My dad just told me that we're in such dire financial straits that he needs me to contribute $100 out of every paycheck.

I'm never getting out of here.

A former classmate of mine died a couple of days ago in a car accident. She wasn't really a friend - I don't think she had any for as long as she attended my school - but I'm shocked by her death.

I'm back in counselling again... yay?