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Well, thank you.

I saw my psychiatrist Friday, and I mentioned this to her. We're going to work on it. Writing for a certain amount of time every day is now officially part of my therapy. I'm feeling quite hopeful about it at the moment, actually.

So... progress.

Offer of hugs for Havtorn and betsytheripper.

Arclight_Dynamo wrote:Well, thank you.

I saw my psychiatrist Friday, and I mentioned this to her. We're going to work on it. Writing for a certain amount of time every day is now officially part of my therapy. I'm feeling quite hopeful about it at the moment, actually.

So... progress.

Good to hear.

That it s awesome, Archlight!

Why am I feeling so bad? Especially with one of the most exciting things this year coming up. And I'm being productive for a change. So why am I feeling bad?

Arclight_Dynamo wrote:Well, thank you.

I saw my psychiatrist Friday, and I mentioned this to her. We're going to work on it. Writing for a certain amount of time every day is now officially part of my therapy. I'm feeling quite hopeful about it at the moment, actually.

So... progress.

Woo! I hope we'll eventually get to see some of the stuff you create.

AdmiralMemo wrote:Why am I feeling so bad? Especially with one of the most exciting things this year coming up. And I'm being productive for a change. So why am I feeling bad?

Sometimes it just happens. Don't get frustrated with yourself for feeling it. Try to take a "you" day if you can, and give yourself complete permission to take it easy for a bit, as a reward for being productive recently. Then get back on the doing things train, and see if that feels any better. Remember, you don't always have to be on even if you're trying to up your productivity. If you push yourself all the time, you'll burn out.

Well it seems now is the time people I know from my childhood are beginning to die.
Starting with Cilla Black. I never liked her as a presenter. But she existed. She was very much a thing on TV when I was a child. So it's saddening to realise people who weren't that old when I was young are now old enough to die of old age.

So I came home from Japan to find my father didn't bother to do anything to get my room ready to be lived in again. So after traveling and being awake for 48hours I walked through a wall of cobwebs to open the window and then had to call my mother to come get me as not only was my room uninhabitable but he decided to rip out the toilet a couple days before I was to come home and the bathroom was completely unusable.

It would be less of a slap in the face of he hadn't assured me that my room would be good back in the spring but instead I come home to the house looking like a scrap yard.

I haven't been back since Thursday when I got home from Japan and really not looking forward to it at this point

A friend of my friend committed suicide very recently.
If anyone has any form of belief, prayer/positive thoughts for my friend and his friend's family and other friends, would be very welcomed. Thank you.

Time for a new medication again. Hopefully this one won't make me gain weight and lose hair... wish me luck

I love when even in my dreams, I'm simply shown as a failure and should kill myself...

Feeling a low right now.
Had a great day. My sister is going out with a great guy now. Good time in voluntary work.

But my mood is sinking.

Not sure if I'll see much of my Catalan friend this September. He comes into the country on the 2nd, but I won't see him until the 5th, and don't know how much. Likewise in November when I visit Reus for a week.

Parents are doing home improvement stuff because we're getting a piano gifted to us, and carpets much be changed, stuff moved, walls painted where stuff will be moved to etc.. Occasionally my mum erupts into rage at my dad and it's wearing. I'm tired of it. 26 years of parents arguing every so often. 26 years of my mum occasionally crying. There is nothing I can do about it. The sound pierces my heart and drags me into anxiety. I can't focus on doing anything because I get too stressed. I feel like everything I have done is rubbish because my parents are arguing. I want to move out and I cannot afford it.

And when they stop shouting, I feel like I'd like to move out.
I am grateful I still have parents who love me unconditionally. I am grateful I have a rent free room. I am grateful I am fed and my clothes are washed. But at this moment I want to run away and I am trapped because I have no where to go to.

And so I'm slowly draining down into my self created vortex of "things to be sad about".

At this very moment I don't see the point in doing anything.

I'll be fine afterwards, but right now; SHUT THE FUCK UP MUM.

I am so wound up about moving to Liverpool I cannot seem to do any packing or other organizing. I am packing at the last minute because being wound up about moving caused me to procrastinate.

Motivation for you to pack, you will be moving within 200 miles of me. Wait...is that an aid or a deterrent?

I say it is a plus.

I calmed down a bit and made some progress packing. I am lucky since I can leave stuff at my mum's. Also I am coming home for Christmas so anything I forget now I can take then.

This morning I feel my "usual" self.

Did have one of those really happy dreams, that normally you wake up and feed very sad because it's not true. This time it was of a really happy thing coming up.

Observation of the morning...



Does anyone else REALLY hate the time portion of SMART goal setting? My perception of how long something should take versus how long it actually does take always makes me 'miss' goals and then feel like a failure. If it is important, I still get there in the end, but I do it in a time that is outside of my initial expectations. This is IF, and its a big IF, the disappointment and depression of failure doesn't make me completely give up. Then the achievement seems somehow LESS because I failed the time component. *sigh*

Chrusher, as someone who has recently made a very similar move I was in the same boat. To be honest, it's quite alright over here and the fact that you get to visit home in a few months is something that I'm a bit envious of. You've got a group of Runners to get you through it.

2stepz wrote:Observation of the morning...

Necessary background on Goals - Click to Expand

Necessary background on Goals: SMART Goals is a current trend in management classes and throughout the professional world for setting milestones. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timed.

Does anyone else REALLY hate the time portion of SMART goal setting? My perception of how long something should take versus how long it actually does take always makes me 'miss' goals and then feel like a failure. If it is important, I still get there in the end, but I do it in a time that is outside of my initial expectations. This is IF, and its a big IF, the disappointment and depression of failure doesn't make me completely give up. Then the achievement seems somehow LESS because I failed the time component. *sigh*

I actually have some recent exposure to this kind of thing, so I'll share my thoughts:

A couple of months back, I started a new job in engineering. The company I work for is big on their SMART goalsetting, so every project is planned out far in advance. The project I'm currently working on, for example, was initially planned to have gone through its final design review shortly before I arrived at the company.

As it is, engineering being the field that it is has meant that it went through said design review just two weeks ago- and producing the design drawings, a task initially scoped for ten days (including the time spent sitting around waiting to be picked up), has so far taken around fifty working days. And counting. The project is currently four months behind its original schedule (and a couple of weeks behind the most recent version of the revised schedule, which has been 'pushed right' multiple times since), so you might think we'd be under fire from on high to get this out of the door as soon as possible, given we're so far behind plan.

In fact, this isn't the case. The only person who's actively worried is my team leader, and even that is purely to satisfy a paper trail. The job is not actually due to be delivered until December, with our bit not due out of the door until September latest. The original plan left six months of leeway for precisely this reason.

To me, the T part of the SMART goal in this case was the end-of-year deliverable, not the original plan- anyone who's worked in engineering for more than a month knows that every project worth its salt is going to go over its original plan, because even the most experienced engineers will fail to account for some delay or other. So if you've gone over what you originally planned- no biggie. It happens. All the time, in fact- the bloke who drew up the plan for this particular project I've been talking about has been working in the company for thirty years and knows the technical side inside out. The issue will only arise if your project has gone past where it needed to be done by, which by the sounds of it yours haven't.

I know applying this kind of thought isn't going to soothe the depressive mindset much, but at least don't think that going over time constitutes a failure.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:

2stepz wrote:Observation of the morning...

Necessary background on Goals - Click to Expand

Necessary background on Goals: SMART Goals is a current trend in management classes and throughout the professional world for setting milestones. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timed.

Does anyone else REALLY hate the time portion of SMART goal setting? My perception of how long something should take versus how long it actually does take always makes me 'miss' goals and then feel like a failure. If it is important, I still get there in the end, but I do it in a time that is outside of my initial expectations. This is IF, and its a big IF, the disappointment and depression of failure doesn't make me completely give up. Then the achievement seems somehow LESS because I failed the time component. *sigh*

I actually have some recent exposure to this kind of thing, so I'll share my thoughts:

A couple of months back, I started a new job in engineering. The company I work for is big on their SMART goalsetting, so every project is planned out far in advance. The project I'm currently working on, for example, was initially planned to have gone through its final design review shortly before I arrived at the company.

As it is, engineering being the field that it is has meant that it went through said design review just two weeks ago- and producing the design drawings, a task initially scoped for ten days (including the time spent sitting around waiting to be picked up), has so far taken around fifty working days. And counting. The project is currently four months behind its original schedule (and a couple of weeks behind the most recent version of the revised schedule, which has been 'pushed right' multiple times since), so you might think we'd be under fire from on high to get this out of the door as soon as possible, given we're so far behind plan.

In fact, this isn't the case. The only person who's actively worried is my team leader, and even that is purely to satisfy a paper trail. The job is not actually due to be delivered until December, with our bit not due out of the door until September latest. The original plan left six months of leeway for precisely this reason.

To me, the T part of the SMART goal in this case was the end-of-year deliverable, not the original plan- anyone who's worked in engineering for more than a month knows that every project worth its salt is going to go over its original plan, because even the most experienced engineers will fail to account for some delay or other. So if you've gone over what you originally planned- no biggie. It happens. All the time, in fact- the bloke who drew up the plan for this particular project I've been talking about has been working in the company for thirty years and knows the technical side inside out. The issue will only arise if your project has gone past where it needed to be done by, which by the sounds of it yours haven't.

I know applying this kind of thought isn't going to soothe the depressive mindset much, but at least don't think that going over time constitutes a failure.

I have devised a system for calculating actual needed time from expected time in advance. One or two days expected time, add half a day. More than 2 less than 4 add a day to the expected time. More than 1 week? Add 2 days. More than 2 weeks, add 3. More than a month, add a week, etc. My manager still doesn't want to take this into account ("how can I explain this to the client? It takes x hours, so we should get it done in x hours"). I've also never been wrong so far

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:The issue will only arise if your project has gone past where it needed to be done by, which by the sounds of it yours haven't.

Actually, they have, quite regularly, and mostly due to no fault of my own. Yet, my performance reviews were always drastically downgraded because of the delays, resulting in a loss of raises and promotions... and eventually my departure from the world of engineering.

There is a reason I posted this in the depression thread.

However, I'm referring to the broader sense of goal setting, not just those in the project management world.

Had a good day.
Though on the ride home I started feeling low again.
I miss my good friend.
I'm also kinda puzzled by him. He express great affection towards me, but I don't know if it's just a cultural difference, how he is specifically, if it's Christian Fellowship or something, else.
I misinterpreted someone before and I got burnt by it. I have to be cautious and kill any thoughts that could mislead me.

I hate that my strongest memories are ones of shame.

After a month of being back at my job I'm reminded of why I wanted to leave in the first place. I could deal with the long hours or the repetitive tasks if there was anything to redeem it. My bosses are straight out of the fucking 1800's with their approach to employees, attempting to squeeze every last drop out of us, I have no friends or social life and I haven't seen any of my family since Christmas. It's left me feeling inadequate, angry and incredibly lonely.

And throughout the whole thing I know that I apparently can't do any better.

I was happy to be able to finally settle into my room with the knowledge that I would be moving into the larger room come October/November. Today my landlord lets me know that other people are viewing the room. I tell him that's unacceptable as I'll need it in November and am more than willing to pay the rent for it now and upgrade for the extra 400. He said no.

Now I'm stuck looking for a new place where I'll be able to have my girlfriend and I live that's a minimum hour farther away from where I work.