The depressing depression thread

[Dutch guy]

Unfortunately for a part of this planets population it's much more normal than it should be. And even more unfortunately it's somehow still a topic not openly discussable in many social groups.


As for myself it's now 1:48 am, I've been going to bed WAY too late all week and I still haven't gotten myself torn away from aimlessly browsing the internet and doing nothing, even though I KNOW I should be in bed by now. Worse I have plans tomorrow that require me to be well rested...

I've been pogo-ing from doing well to total apathy way faster than I used to lately. I was used to the slow slide into depression and then the slow gradual improvement as I got myself back up a bit. I have no idea what's happening to me lately. One day I have the energy to just get shit done, the next I'm sitting behind my laptop at 3 am unable to get myself to go to bed and then feeling like shit the next day due to sleep deprivation and being pissed off at myself for not getting to bed sooner. I'm doubting everything I do one moment and then acting on impuls the next...

[AdmiralMemo]

Another house fire is happening somewhere in the neighborhood right now... We see smoke, but we can't determine where it's coming from. This is probably the 12th house fire in the past 5 years.

[Ptangmatik]

I looked at another application form, steeled myself to fill out all the same old shit, got to about half of my name in and just couldn't.

I went for a walk and it was like I was scooping dark grey mud out of my head in big lumps as I walked. I cam back and I still can't face the form.

Im so fucked.

[JustAName]

Form for what?

Also, I know we've tossed around the idea of a Runners UK/Ireland meetup (and anyone else who can make it). ...Who has the means to do that (no date set yet, just in general if we could find a time that works), and would like to? I would like to give lots of you hugs, if you want them.

[Elomin Sha]

I can confirm that Fayili gives good hugs.

[Dutch guy]

I might try to make it over, but at the moment I can't really plan more than a week ahead.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

I would be totally up for a meetup, and I've got a couple of days' holiday banked so can do pretty much any time & place. Does Birmingham seem central enough for the likes of Chrusher & Fay?

[Elomin Sha]

I'll congeal my Elominous over the event if I can.

[MrPayneTrayne]

I'd be up for a meet-up depending on the day (working 8am-6pm most weekdays).

[Phi]

Hello everyone. There is something I want to share with you guys. As you may know, I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for years, and in the past 6 months things have gotten much worse and I have been prescribed new medications. I was recently in Iceland for a vacation I did not believed i would return from. I was going to kill myself there. On the last day of the journey around the island, I climbed a mountain and reached its summit in the clouds after a difficult climb on the ice. It was windy, and cold, and while meditating there I lost consciousness. When I awoke, I could not feel my feet, or fingers, or anything else. I could not hear the wind and my eyes saw only the white of ice and clouds. Perhaps for a moment I was dead, I don't actually know, but it took me a few hours to get down again and restore my body heat. When I came back to my apartment in Lithuania where I am currently living, the return to my reality was difficult. I could not get out of bed and the many things in my life that I cannot deal with. Once again, I wanted to take all my pills at once and end it all. But I did not. I am willing to keep trying and fighting, to graduate this winter and move to a new country and try to build a life once more and find myself a home. I don't know how, or where, but I don't want to give up.

[JustAName]

Thank you for sticking around. Your presence here is appreciated.

[King Kool]

I'm never more miserable when I can't write. But I very seldom have the desire to give up writing any particular project.

I'm in the middle of a project I've been working on for years, and I'm barely keeping it on life-support. It was so long ago I started it, and I've had projects die from neglect like this before after something else took away my attention, be it a new idea or a different creative hobby. I want to finish this very badly, but stuff keeps getting in the way.

I think I have too many hobbies, not enough focus. I can do a lot of stuff, but nothing very well. I'm going to be one of these guys with the constant desire to create something, but never having even the barest success to help alleviate the feeling that it's all a huge waste of time.

I know I won't give up writing stuff because writing is just about the only thing I really enjoy. There is no definition of my life without writing. It's like a married bachelor; it's a contradiction in its very nature. If I threw it all away today, I would start writing one of the several ideas I've had to keep on hold just because I knew starting something new would mean the beginning of the end for this project.

That fact that I won't give up isn't actually that encouraging anymore. It's more just the realization that I cannot suppress the creative spirit, but also cannot make it work in conjunction with even rudimentary human success like a decent job or a car.

I am stuck here, on this tortoise, going nowhere, and my only ticket out would be the lottery ticket or Golden ticket of writing success, which hundreds of brighter, more talented writers than I struggle to obtain. There is no reason to assume it will ever happen. It certainly won't if I can't finish a novel in five or six damn years (some other writing things took up some of the time, but still, damn).

And yet... I'm still writing. I'm writing this, ain't I?

I saw a quote recently, something to the order of, "Don't do it to have it done. Do it to do it." I don't write to have a novel written. I write because I enjoy the process of writing. "Enjoy" might even be too harsh of a word. It's more like a compulsion.

The real killer is... when you feel guilty for not doing it, and then you are even less enthused to do something, something that you KNOW will help you. It's like when you're in bed with a headache, and you don't want to get up to get the medicine or the cold compress you KNOW will help you feel better. That's the worst thing about depression, isn't it? It makes you want to do things that you know won't help.

Tomorrow, instead of going to the movies, I'm going to try to write some more. Even writing this, I feel better. I just need to keep it in mind, that this is what I would do if I had to do one thing for the rest of my life.

[the_lone_bard]

So last night one of my best mates asked if he could take some of my tobacco, I said no. Because 2 weeks ago, without even asking, he helped himself to almost my entire pouch which meant I could wait 4 days for him to get paid, or buy more with money I didn't have. So, I said no and also I'm goin for a shower, so don't think I'm being a dick or anything if I don't respond.

Have shower, get out, he rocked up, rolled himself 2 smokes, told my room-mate and left me a note. Didn't bother to even let me know he was there.
I've kinda set the precedent that's ok though. So, I figure a stern talking to would sort that out, explain that's not cool and it's also one of the few things that should annoy me, but seriously pisses me off instead.

So instead I decided to settle on complete incoherent rage. Abused the absolute shit out of him over facebook, because luckily he wasn't down the road at our friends place, since I went round htere intending to yell at him, and was about ready to knock the rest of his teeth out by the time I got there.

I can make excuses, I was sleep deprived, he hit a sore spot since that's the sort of shit my grandmother used to do, I don't handle being powerless in situations well...
At the end of the day, I abused the shit out of one of my best friends for doing something kinda annoying, because I can't handle the stress and anger of the entirely seperate problem that is my friends and their dad. So 'Rardy got the force of it. I mean, I didn't destroy any friendships or anything, but I feel like shit and want the chance to say sorry in person and explain why I lost it at him so bad. So, he hasn't been online since an hour before I woke up today.

Throw in the sudden stress about my payments (I forgot I had to send back a form to Centrelink until someone said "Oh it's the 17th" and I remembered there was a rent statement in my room to be sent back by then.) being cut off this week most likely. The fact I have no clue how I'm gonna sort my life out by the end of this year, no phone, no way to setup docs here still and see a specialist, debt, school ends in november at which point I've done exactly 0 assignments over 2 years... I forgot how fun it is to constantly feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

How the fuck did I live like this for years at a time.

[Duckay]

I've just been sort of feeling generally down and lost for a few weeks now. Whenever I'm alone and don't have something playing in the background like a TV show, I just feel overcome by this immense sadness.

Yes, before you tell me, I know that's not what real depression feels like. I know I don't have a real problem, it's just weighing on me right now.

If I had to try to tie it to anything, I guess it's this. One of my parents is undergoing chemotherapy shortly; the other has just finished their second course. It's very heavy on my mind. Tied in with that, I haven't been getting a lot of work lately so I've had a lot of time to be alone. And I guess it doesn't help that whenever I haven't been going out to visit family or friends, I've been masking the issue by watching television, listening to music and playing video games to try to escape from how I feel rather than cope with it.

Yes, before you tell me, if I have the motivation to hide from it rather than succumb to it, it's not that bad. I know that. But hiding is tough and it keeps sneaking up on me and I don't think it's viable to keep hiding. What happens then?

[Mums]

I've just been sort of feeling generally down and lost for a few weeks now. Whenever I'm alone and don't have something playing in the background like a TV show, I just feel overcome by this immense sadness.

Yes, before you tell me, I know that's not what real depression feels like. I know I don't have a real problem, it's just weighing on me right now.

If I had to try to tie it to anything, I guess it's this. One of my parents is undergoing chemotherapy shortly; the other has just finished their second course. It's very heavy on my mind. Tied in with that, I haven't been getting a lot of work lately so I've had a lot of time to be alone. And I guess it doesn't help that whenever I haven't been going out to visit family or friends, I've been masking the issue by watching television, listening to music and playing video games to try to escape from how I feel rather than cope with it.

Yes, before you tell me, if I have the motivation to hide from it rather than succumb to it, it's not that bad. I know that. But hiding is tough and it keeps sneaking up on me and I don't think it's viable to keep hiding. What happens then?

Don't invalidate your feelings by telling yourself that others will just say "it's not a real depression" and "it's not that bad". One of the biggest problems with these kinds of feelings is that you isolate yourself, and think you're not good enough, damn not even your feelings are "shitty enough". There are no fake gamer girls and I have a hard time understanding why there would be fake 'sadness people'. This is no club that one should want to join and I don't see why we should gatekeep it.

It's a good thing you realise your problem, I hope you find the strength not just to hide from it but also to activate yourself in activities that might combat the feelings.

[Dutch guy]

depression or "being down" isn't relative. It's different for everyone and comparing your own situation to that of others is just going to make you feel even more shitty. Having 2 parents undergoing chemo at the same time must be very hard. And you say that's not a real problem? That would be enough to drive most people to tears. You DO have a problem and a reason to worry and to feel sad. Hiding these feelings isn't going to work in the long run. At one point they are going to come out. My advice would be to talk to someone about it. Your parents, a therapist, a friend, a forummember, whatever. I usually felt much better having vented some of those pent up feelings.

[the_lone_bard]

I sum it up nicely, people remember small catchphrases easier.
"Everyones problems are just as bad as everyone elses, to themselves. That's why they're problems, not annoyances."

[AdmiralMemo]

Yeah, and the problem is that "The first rule of Depression Club is: You do not talk about Depression Club." That's what makes it so lonely, because depression lies to you like that.

[Duckay]

I appreciate the kind words, but in the past when I haven't offered the caveat of "I know this isn't real depression, I'm just going through some stuff" I've been told a number of variations on "well it's not like you're really depressed" or "everyone has that, you're not really suffering". It's very fortunate that you haven't experienced it but much like how gaming gatekeepers exist despite there being no real fake gamer girls, I have seen the "sadness police" (for want of a better term) in full force.

[korvys]

I think the point is, whether it's "real" depression is completely irrelevant in most situations. If you're talking to your doctor, a psychologist, or maybe someone regarding disability or the like, then yeah, an actual diagnosis is relevant.

But here, asking for help and support, only how you feel matters. The fact that your are feeling depressed is more important.

[Dutch guy]

I appreciate the kind words, but in the past when I haven't offered the caveat of "I know this isn't real depression, I'm just going through some stuff" I've been told a number of variations on "well it's not like you're really depressed" or "everyone has that, you're not really suffering". It's very fortunate that you haven't experienced it but much like how gaming gatekeepers exist despite there being no real fake gamer girls, I have seen the "sadness police" (for want of a better term) in full force.

Yeah, some people can be dicks like that. But my opinion has always been "What does it matter if it's "real" depression or not". If you feel like shit and your brain is actively trying to sabotage you, you need some support. Not a put down.

On top of that, what is a "real" depression? The symptoms and effects can be so varied it's very hard to really point and say, that is depression, that isn't. On top of that it's NOT a box with fixed criteria, more of a spectrum.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

I mean... that's the thing with depression, isn't it? If you feel depressed, you are depressed. Is it chemical? Is it situational? Does it rise to the level of a disorder?

Doesn't matter; if you're depressed, you're depressed. Period. And you deserve to feel better.

[qlipoth]

Let me start by saying that I would never say "That's not real depression, suck it up" or any variation of that. That's a dick move and if a person is going through bad times they don't deserve to be told that their suffering is somehow 'unworthy.' The sadness police can go pound sand. That having been said: I'm one of those people who are bothered when people use the word "Depressed" when they mean "Sad." Duckay did not. If anyone wants to know why it bugs me, go ahead and ask, but that is a post for another time.

Duckay: Doesn't matter if you're clinically 'depressed' or not. Being down sucks, as does the situation you describe. There's nothing wrong with feeling it, there's also nothing wrong with distracting yourself from it. In general, I find that the distractions caused by friends are more useful, but if they're not available there's no reason to feel bad about using TV and such to fill the intervening time. My advice there is: Set your compass to comedy, and steer around dramatic shows.

But it sounds like you want to stop using escapism, so here's what advice I've got to give: I am not a professional, I just have to hope that what works for me will help you. Getting out with friends helps best. It sounds like you may be doing that as much as you can, but if not: try more. Exercise helps if you can stand it. I hate hate hate to exercise, but do I seem to feel less consumed by sadness after the initial "God, I hate this and feel like I'm going to die" wears off and I've had a shower. It's also a great time-killer that you don't ever have to feel guilty about. Speaking of which: Don't feel bad about feeling bad. That way lies madness.

There's probably no easy answer, no magic way to 'cope with it' and have it be over. It's a process. Hiding is a tool. Don't throw it away, but don't use it exclusively either. There are other tools, too. You just have to find them. If you're having trouble finding them, that's what the professionals are for. Don't be embarrassed to call on them. They deal with both chronic depression and shorter-term issues. If you decide to take that route and want advice on finding someone I have some to give.

Wow... that's pretty heavy for a first post. hi guys!

[Duckay]

well, it doesn't help that I live over an hour away from my family and most people I'd call "friend". There's a couple of activities I do closer to home throughout the week (besides work) but mostly if I want to see people I just go for a drive up north. Unfortunately what that means is on the flip side I can't really see people on a "whim", and unless I have something to listen to like a podcast on the drive it's very difficult to face up to the task of driving for an hour by myself before I get to see people.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, as I'm sure you can imagine. I have been learning a lot about the world, Kevin Smith, Magic: the Gathering and the history of Jonestown.

I am not a fan of people using the names of clinical diagnoses to refer to their undiagnosed issues either; see my previous rants about people claiming a complex diagnosis without ever having seen a doctor about those things that trouble them. But I have also had many experiences in the past where I've mentioned (for example) that I was seeing a therapist for anxiety and been told "well what you're describing sounds normal to me", or told someone that I was feeling sad and overwhelmed and been told "well you don't have depression so deal with it". I don't know if that's karmic retribution for telling other people to see a doctor before claiming they have some diagnosis or if people are just dicks, but I just want to make it extremely clear, that I know full well that what I'm going through is substantially lesser than what other people in this thread are going through. However, I also need support and a place to vent. I hope that's still okay.

[Lord Chrusher]

I have always seen The Depressing Depressing Thread as a place for anything mental health related no matter how minor it may seem. Rather than the rather binary nature of many physical ailments - either your leg is broken or it is not - mental disorders often are continuums from normal (Whatever normal is. Normal is a dangerous idea.) to debilitating conditions requiring hospitalisation.