The depressing depression thread

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Elomin Sha
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 04 Oct 2016, 13:48

I was hugged today at work by a customer's kid because I found a game they wanted. I HATE HUGS!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RoboNixon » 04 Oct 2016, 17:15

So this is going to be an odd post, so I'll try to self edit. I'm getting a divorce in 12 hours. Not my choice, no cheating involved, we never fought, she just grew distant and one day decided to leave. Said it wasn't me (classic) but I'm the only thing she cut out of her life. Tomorrow might just be the worst day of my life. At least she left her cat. I love that furball.

The thing is, I've posted in other threads that she made me a better person, and I still mean it. Before her, I didn't believe I was capable of true love or that I even deserved it. Sure, some days I feel like a failure, but I deserve better and was willing to fight for the relationship. Unfortunately for her that wasn't enough and she wasn't willing to fight. We weren't perfect, but I believed things were getting better. I've had some really bad days in the last few months, but it has gotten through it in large part thanks to the LRR community (puns and all). I may dip a bit tomorrow, but I know it will get better. I hope that anyone else who believe things won't get better will understand that in time it can. Seems weird for me to say considering what's about to happen, but I do believe it. Nothing is set in stone, and time can heal all wounds, if you let it.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 04 Oct 2016, 20:09

Really sorry to hear that, I can't imagine what you're feeling. =/ We're here if you need to talk about it more!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RoboNixon » 05 Oct 2016, 06:01

Thanks. I'm actually doing ok today. I was surprised that I didn't lose any sleep over it and it was over in minutes. Maybe the post helped, so thanks for listening :)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Gap Filler » 05 Oct 2016, 08:38

Good to hear you're bearing up. Regardless, my heart's with you today. Like to think can speak for everyone saying our hearts are with you.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby hacofo » 05 Oct 2016, 09:38

Good to hear that you're doing ok.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RytelCSF » 07 Oct 2016, 12:51

All I do aside from work is watch streams, Let's Play videos, listen to podcasts, check out fanworks...

My whole life is watching other people enjoy themselves, knowing that's as close as I can get. I can't do it anymore. There's nothing there for me. You can't even say that it'll "get better," because it has gotten better. My life is objectively much better than it was a couple years ago. But that just proves that this is it. This is as good as it's ever going to be. I don't have any "real" problems anymore, and there's nothing that I realistically am capable of accomplishing. I can't even blame it on depression because every time you turn around there's another god-tier creative mastermind talking about their struggles, proving that it's not the illness, it's YOU, you stupid, worthless fuck.

Why do I keep going? There's so much I still want to do, sure, but am I ever going to do any of it? I constantly have ideas for projects that I can never get off the ground because I know I'll never be able to do them as well as the people I look up to. (And don't give me that "You can do it the way only you can" bullshit either. That's true. Doesn't mean it matters.) Sure, everyone has to start somewhere, but you what? Everyone else started at least ten fucking years ago, and they're who I'm competing with. I only know enough to know that I don't know shit.

I can't have friends. Between social anxiety, social awkwardness, and a restrictive work schedule, friends just aren't practical, and I'd be wasting their time as well as mine. So I want to do something, have a purpose, broadcast what I enjoy, create. But I can't get myself to start, because I know better. I know anything I do is pointless. I can't enjoy myself.

So why keep going when I feel like all I'm capable of doing for the next several decades is waiting around to die?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby hacofo » 07 Oct 2016, 23:00

Ok, so without the nice platitudes, if you give up you'll never find out if there is the day where you can accomplish or at least start one of those projects that keep popping up in your mind.
Sometimes it takes a year, other times it takes a few decades for the right circumstances but holding on is sometimes just worth the struggle before.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 09 Oct 2016, 00:29

Saying that just because things are better, that's the best it'll be is a false syllogism. Also, for every creative person who has pushed through their depression, there are a hundred who have not. I know a lot of them.

And how are you competing with others? If you have ideas for projects, do them. They may not be "as good" as others' but you did them. That means you did a thing. That's what counts. And the more you do things, the more likely you are to actually do a thing that you feel is "good enough."

If you find people who enjoy your company when they can get it, then you're never "wasting their time" if they want to be your friend. Hopefully you'd find someone reasonable enough to know they get you when they get you, and you're busy a lot otherwise.

I know this is probably all stuff you've thought of but discarded, but I hope hearing it from someone else helps? I'm sorry if it just makes you angry, though.

If you want to talk to me in person, PM me. Let me know if you just want to vent, and I'll try not to offer solutions. I can do that, too, though if you want.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Phi » 10 Oct 2016, 04:11

A bit of a vent, as a few weeks passes since I stopped taking antidepressants.

I don't think I am falling again, but my life feels very grey these days. I feel ugly and socially incapable, I am objectively the worst in my art class, and in general I feel unhappy with the way my life is, although I don't know what I could change to make it better.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby AdmiralMemo » 14 Oct 2016, 20:33

I recently found a piece of advice pretty uplifting and it helped me, so I thought I'd share it:
70 Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries wrote:Maxim 70: Failure is not an option. It's mandatory. The option is whether you let failure be the last thing you do.
Source: http://www.schlockmercenary.com/blog/coin-pre-orders-opening-soon/
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby auberginequeen » 19 Oct 2016, 18:34

Memo, your post reminded me of an article I read this morning.

It's one of those self-help type articles that I don't normally give much credence, but in this case I think it has a good message. It's aimed at perfectionists, but I feel it could easily apply to the kind of self-critical thinking characteristic of depression.

[W]e are creatures attempting to be machines. A machine isn’t ready until it’s done, and we’ve taught ourselves that the same is true for us. But it’s not.


Also quoted in the article:

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.” - JK Rowling


http://9creativelives.com/2016/04/how-to-be-perfect/
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby NebulosDisconcertion » 21 Oct 2016, 08:08

I think I need help. I am not okay.
This means I have to go somewhere and talk to someone. The fact that this is such a struggle should have pointed me in this direction earlier.

I don't think Adam's on the forums, but; Thanks Adam, you're helping. I hope you feel good today.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 21 Oct 2016, 09:19

I'm proud of you for coming to that conclusion alone. It's not always easy. I hope you can successfully go to someone and that it will go well for you. Keep us updated!
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby theflanman5 » 21 Oct 2016, 10:13

So, Adam wrote a piece on his experience with depression, and someone posted it to the subreddit. I just got back onto this forum after not using it for, I dunno, six years? I wrote a response on the reddit thread, but this seems like a more appropriate place to put it.

It's never easy to talk about these sorts of things, but it's really important that we do. It's kinda weird to think that raising awareness by talking about the things we've been through might actually help save lives, or even just be a contributing factor to saving one. I've had a totally different and yet entirely relatable experience for most of the last decade. Around 7th and 8th grade I basically stopped doing anything. I was never particularly active, but I had friends and was in a club, but, slowly enough that nobody noticed at first, I stopped. I stopped doing homework, I stopped spending time with friends, and eventually I stopped going to school or even eating, telling my parents I felt sick. Before I got help from a real professional, though, I got help from a homeopathic...something, it implied therapist, but that word is legally protected. That made things worse for a few months. When my physical health suffered too badly, my parents took me to an actual medical doctor, and I was diagnosed with Major Depression and put on medication.
I'm going to interrupt my own narrative here. I'm bringing this up because I found LRR around that time, and the content, the community, the whole thing, helped me through some hard times, entertaining me and bringing me strength, or solace, or joy. I may not even be here today if it weren't for LRR, and the amount that I love it all. Medication was an important part of it, and it is worth mentioning that it can effect you negatively, but if you communicate the effects to your doctor/prescriber, you can sort that out.
Anyway, high school was manageable, difficult, but manageable, but I either developed or was only diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and IBS during my Senior year. College was hell because getting treatment was nearly impossible, and changing antidepressants on an accelerated schedule without assistance or observation is a terrifying ordeal, and at WPI we don't have time to deal with symptoms, take classes, and seek help, really two out of three at most.
Now I'm out of school, starting the long road to sorting everything out, and LRR is the majority of my social interaction. I'm in the last part of the process of dropping my medication, with my doctor's guidance, and, well, you guys are still important to me. Loading Ready Run has been constant in my life, when I felt like I'd lost everything, when I first moved from home, now that I have almost nobody, when I all too often felt so sick hope had faded away, you've always been there in myraid ways.
This turned into a bit of a rant, but when you're in the midst of SSRI withdrawal, you make some weird decisions. I only wish that I could express more personally to the crew and community of LRR that they've made such a huge difference in my life, and without a word a lie played a pivotal part in saving it. I don't really know how to end this other than, I feel you man.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Danielle Pepin » 21 Oct 2016, 10:59

Elomin Sha wrote:I was hugged today at work by a customer's kid because I found a game they wanted. I HATE HUGS!


That is adorable. :D

Phi wrote:A bit of a vent, as a few weeks passes since I stopped taking antidepressants.

I don't think I am falling again, but my life feels very grey these days. I feel ugly and socially incapable, I am objectively the worst in my art class, and in general I feel unhappy with the way my life is, although I don't know what I could change to make it better.


I'm glad your comic Satan's God with the goat is still having updates. I like the art on it. If you compare yourself to others there will always be someone who appears to be better in some respect when they may very well be thinking the same as you about themselves. Trying to compare yourself with your own past artworks may help in seeing the progress...or serve as a springboard for pushing your work to your own personal best. Some art professors aren't great at making it feel less competitive especially if you're in one of the programs that is geared to a more competitive industry...and with art it's silly cause art is so subjective.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 24 Oct 2016, 15:30

Blurgh. Depression is popping up again - no idea why, either, since it's coming out of nowhere, and it's been ages since it's cropped up. Maybe I'm just due.

I feel weird and bad. Nothing more concrete than that. That's the worst kind of depression. You can't even put your finger on what's causing you to feel crappy, or even on exactly what you're feeling.

Just sitting here, hating myself, not knowing why.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Danielle Pepin » 24 Oct 2016, 23:14

*offers everyone hugs*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 25 Oct 2016, 12:23

*Offers fire to everyone*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RoboNixon » 26 Oct 2016, 12:22

*Accepts the warm embrace* :P
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Jenelmo » 26 Oct 2016, 12:24

I am having a bad times, this last month and a half, I'm trying to talk to someone because i never really opened up all the other times i had a major depressive episode before it was to late.
But every time i try, I can't get the words out, I have tried writing down how i feel, but it just makes me more sad, as i think i just come across as whiny and entitled, and that other people have it hard too, why should my problems be more important that they have to deal with my problems ass well as their own
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Arclight_Dynamo » 27 Oct 2016, 11:00

Why not try this?

"I'm seriously depressed. I think I need help. I'm trying to open up to you about it, but I don't know how to talk about it, and I don't know how to ask for help."

Tell them the truth, and they'll help you get the words out.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby RoboNixon » 27 Oct 2016, 14:54

Jenelmo wrote:I am having a bad times, this last month and a half, I'm trying to talk to someone because i never really opened up all the other times i had a major depressive episode before it was to late.
But every time i try, I can't get the words out, I have tried writing down how i feel, but it just makes me more sad, as i think i just come across as whiny and entitled, and that other people have it hard too, why should my problems be more important that they have to deal with my problems ass well as their own


Like most things, beginning is hard. You'd be surprised how much of a relief just expressing your problems can be (speaking from personal experience). There is always someone in here to talk too if needed :)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby King Kool » 28 Oct 2016, 17:35

She posted a picture of herself to Facebook.

I was staggered by her beauty.

And then I was filled with sadness.

I did something else for a bit, and I came back to that tab.

And it happened again.

I'm probably going to do it several more time before I'm through.

I haven't seen her in eight and a half years.

In slightly more positive news, I ran into another friend and she said, "we should hang out sometime." And I actually screwed up the courage to do it.

Before it was over, I told her how my life was going sufficiently poorly that I needed to see the people I love.

And I told her that I do love her.

...

That means I'm not in love with her. There's no way I could have said it if it were so.

This is where I am. Where not being in love is a relief.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 05 Nov 2016, 14:21

Well fack...

For a long time now I thought I was doing pretty well. Not great, but pretty well. And now I just found myself casually wondering why I bother being alive... I realize I haven't been all that productive lately but I hadn't realized just how far down I've gone.

Don't worry, I'm not about to do "anything stupid", just not feeling good. At all.
THE DUTCH!! THE DUTCH AGAIN!!!!!
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