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I just wanted to share hugs with everyone. I'm very lucky in that my antidepressants are still working, but I wouldn't forget where I came from and I want to give encouragements to everyone and hope that you get to feel better as well.

Thank you, Avistew. Much appreciated, and much needed.

So after being on SSRIs for just over two years I decided last week to start decreasing the dosage and by new years I'll be off them completely.
I must say it really warms my heart to see everyone here helping each other.
I'm not a talkative person and therefore I gone waaay too far before asking for help but if there is one thing I learned from all this it's that no problem is too small to talk about. Sometimes it helps just to let it out and other times we need more concrete help but that's the first, and hardest, step.
I grew up with an abusive stepfather and learned to put on a smile for the outside world, now four years later I'm just beginning to tear down that facade...

Again; thank you all for the support!

Good luck, Mr L, thanks for dropping by

MrL, I'm glad you found your way both here and to help.

Dutch guy, I feel that way sometimes when I'm ill or just haven't been exercising as much as I should...but brain chemistry being slightly off can do it to the fittest of the fit too...or something like low iron making you feel weak all the time for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

I just linked this adorable doge teddy elsewhere so I may as well here too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNsEinjNvMU

After today, some of y'all might need this reminder:

Any chance that I can ever afford mental healthcare is likely to evaporate.

I'm still afraid to make my sexual preferences public, living in an area where "faggot" is still common parlance and the Orlando shooting was frequently a punchline.

I want to fight, but I don't know how, or even if I could possibly be useful. I don't have the money. I don't have the courage. I don't expect the people I want to support most to trust me, nor can I blame them.

I'm ashamed. I'm scared. I don't know where to go from here.

I'm scared for neighbors South of the boarder and whatever influences but I want to remind people this too shall pass.

I just linked this story of chinese farmer elsewhere which I'll repost again here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OX0OARBqBp0

Wish I could find the one about the two past torture victims in a story about letting go of hateful feelings/forgiveness.

Also fyi Alex is doing Stream Shelter for the distraught people on and off this week and probably following Desert Bus on https://www.twitch.tv/voxlunch and hosting others doing the same on their streams. It's relatively politics free and comforting.

I'm constantly swinging between scared and upset or dead inside, and Desert Bus... isn't helping as much as I hoped it would.

I didn't want something like this to be my next post on here, because honestly I'm doing better now at controlling and managing and getting over my depression now than at any point in the past five years. I'm winning, and winning HARD. But...

I write a lot. It's one of the reasons I've made so much progress over the last few months. I find writing is an excellent way to clarify thoughts & ideas and practice effective mindfulness, deepening your understanding of your own psyche and that of others. For me at least, after a long time spent practicing, it means that there is nobody you could wish to to talk to about the problems you suffer with who is more informed and able to understand them than you are. Which is useful.

And incredibly, profoundly lonely.

I'm doing better with my depression lately, so I want to offer up what's been helping me right now.
I've set up a consistent sleep schedule. Even if I'm having trouble sleeping, having that consistency helps me cognitively and emotionally. Trying to create consistency in general helps reduce my stress levels.
I've also been talking to people more. When something's bothering me, my first instinct is to go quiet. It's been difficult, but communicating my thoughts to people has helped in the long run.
I've also found myself new therapy. It took over a year to get through the waiting list, but I'm in a program now that offers weekly subsidized counseling that I don't have to pay for. It really helps, because I couldn't afford therapy before.
If anyone's interested, I can offer up some of the resources I've been using.

RytelCSF wrote:Any chance that I can ever afford mental healthcare is likely to evaporate.

I'm still afraid to make my sexual preferences public, living in an area where "faggot" is still common parlance and the Orlando shooting was frequently a punchline.

I want to fight, but I don't know how, or even if I could possibly be useful. I don't have the money. I don't have the courage. I don't expect the people I want to support most to trust me, nor can I blame them.

I'm ashamed. I'm scared. I don't know where to go from here.

Have you seen the Storm Shelter stream which Alex Steacy has started? It's a place where you can find solidarity and often there are tips in the chat when questions are asked. Alex has been having a turn on it at random somewhat less predictably than the schedule on http://www.Streamshelter.com indicates so I recommend following his twitter. 7cups.com is a place where you can find a more anonymous stranger to talk to which may be less cost for professional and they have free volunteers listeners (who don't have a degree mostly but do complete a "course" of reading material before they become listeners). There's also mindfulness exercises and other help in a variety of areas including LGBTAI etc.

No offense, but I've heard too many bad things about 7cups to trust it.

I don't think LGBTAI stuff would help. I'm always being asked to quantify what I am to legitimize myself when I barely know in the first place.

I like the shelter in theory, but in practice? I'm not convinced it does anything. I like the intent, but especially considering the debate about it that's gone on here, I feel like if I stay there I'm just going to end up getting burned.

I think that, other than one or two people, there's very little discussion about the Stream Shelter itself. I think everyone has mostly come down on "This specific thing is fine and good. I'm discussing the generalities of 'Safe Spaces' as a whole, of which, this might be an exception."

I think it is fine and good (at least the idea and intent; I think a lot of how it functions could be improved on, but it's a fairly new project so that may come with time.) But I can't trust myself to not abuse the system. It's one thing to be able to be open about who I am and what I'm struggling with, which is a good thing to have, but guidance and assistance for day-to-day struggles is not something they're equipped to deal with, and going to them for that is going to hurt both them and myself.

Yeah, you care for yourself. It's a tool to be used. Not all tools are to be used by all people at all times. You know yourself and what you need.

In other news...

I'm depressed because I'm not the person I want to be. I'm also depressed because I'm not the person other people want me to be either. Finally, I'm depressed due to the fact that those are (at least) two completely different people. And I am none of them at the moment.

Are you sure it's not a bit of unchecked impostor syndrome slipping in? You are probably lots of things to lots of people that they want you to be. I think you're cool.

*sighs* When you try to gently remind someone that it might not be a good idea to make fun of photos of people on the internet, at least if you don't know the person in the photo and know that they're okay with it, and you get the "Lul, it's a joke!" attitude in reply.

Off topic, but speaking of pictures, I like your new avatar, Deedles.

Shandi wrote:Are you sure it's not a bit of unchecked impostor syndrome slipping in? You are probably lots of things to lots of people that they want you to be. I think you're cool.

Maybe... Maybe... But I know my brain, and I know what I'm keeping inside. And I suspect that who I act might be who people want me to be, but who I am is not.

Jamfalcon wrote:Off topic, but speaking of pictures, I like your new avatar, Deedles.

Thank you kindly, Falcon! <3

I was prepared to just down 40-odd Motrins today to rid myself of the worst migraine ever. Had them in my hand and stared at them for a while.

Obviously, did not do so, but the fact that my mom didn't appear to care was depressing.