The depressing depression thread

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Geoff_B
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Geoff_B » 07 Oct 2012, 12:47

So I've found the secret to not feeling depressed:

Do not watch Mobile Suit Victory Gundam.

Seriously.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Foxmar » 07 Oct 2012, 14:06

I don't know if I should always be depressed about this or just stop giving a shit, but every year when family events come around like holidays or birthdays I'm never invited to attend. For some back story, I'm the only person in my family to ever attend college, graduate and hold a job for more than four years at the same place (even tho I'm unemployed now). Also unlike the rest of my family I'm a gamer and completely into geek culture. My family on the other hand are all heavily religious red necks who couldn't give a shit about anything I do or any accomplishments I have done.
Every year when family events happen I feel I must attend but I am never invited, I attend only because I feel I need to because it is my family. This year is different as the holiday season begins I have been specifically asked NOT to show up at any events. It is now painfully clear my family (other than my mother) does not want me around or care about what I do with my life all because I don't share the same views or lifestyle as them. Should I even care anymore? I've never been arrested for anything, don't do drugs, drink or even smoke, yet my family seams to hate me because I didn't turn out like them.
Sorry if this sounds like I hate my family, I don't I just don't understand why they treat me so badly.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Hosk » 11 Oct 2012, 15:26

So today I went into the "counseling and Career development center" at school to try to get a direction. I had to take a general assessment that they give to everyone who comes into the office and it said I was in the 95% for anti-social tendency 90% for depression and 85% for Trouble at home. I rated as high risk for suicide, at high risk for self harm, at high risk for harming others.

Now I scheduled an appointment to get career advice but all the guy wanted to do was talk about how worried about me he was. Every time I said "listen, I understand and appreciate your concern but I have been dealing with this shit for 3 years, yes I think about suicide daily, yes I think about homicide weekly, but I haven't made any attempt at either. Can we please talk about career planning? "well sure but I am really worried because depression is something that clouds your thoughts and blah blah blah its a spiral, you get depressed so you turn inward so you get depressed so no one wants to be around you so you get..." Yes, I have heard this all before and I have pills and regular appointments can we get to career planning?

I need to stop being honest on these fucking assessments. after 10 minutes I got up and said "sir, with all due respect you aren't doing your job. I didn't come here because Im depressed I came here because I want help looking into work, which will you know might just give me a bright outlook towards the future and a goal to shoot for, which might just fucking help my depression dont you think? And while I am at it, the number one thing that causes me to want to hurt people is when they wont do their jobs, when a waiter wont wait on you, when a cashier cant ring up an order, when the information desk on campus cant direct me to the campus books store, and when I go into a appointment for CAREER DEVELOPMENT and all you want to do is tell me how appreciative you are of veterans and ask about is what happened in fucking Afghanistan. BAD SHIT happened that im trying to move past it shit head thats why I made an appointment in CAREER DEVELOPMENT!" and then I stormed out.

I probably could have handled that better but seriously If I tell you I am dealing with it, seeing other mental health professionals and have drugs in my pocket (which I had to take for the first time in 3 months thanks to that asshole) and that I want to move on. MAYBE just MAYBE you should FUCKING LISTEN!

[/rant]
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Keab42
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 11 Oct 2012, 15:37

I believe that was a pretty reasonable response.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Master Gunner » 11 Oct 2012, 16:31

I fully support that response.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Vanguard » 11 Oct 2012, 17:49

So, I had to make a tough choice today and decide to walk away from the Vi Foundry after only three months.

I know that all of you guys are painfully out of the loop in my goings-on, so here's a bit of background; the Vanguard Imageworks Foundry (as I dubbed it) is/was Vi's dedicated studio space. It was on the top floor of a building in downtown Kansas City right on the edge of the Crossroads Art District. Half of the sixth floor was studio space and, as of late, the other office half has been vacant and was my playground as well. It's a great space with a gorgeous view of the core of the city, has roof access, and is a perfect base-of-operations for any on-location anything downtown.

On Sunday I'm turning in my keys.

I've hit a bit of a slump money-wise. Okay, not a bit, more than that. I switched day jobs and at least until the holiday season is upon us I'm getting shit hours. I'm trying to be a bit more mercenary in my photo dealings to snag up clients, but it's not enough. I just can't afford my upkeep on the Foundry. Not now. I really hate to walk away from it, especially with so many concept shoots on the drawing board that I need it for, but I have to. I just can't justify having it right now.

So I have to walk away from this gorgeous, perfect place, maybe only for a bit, maybe forever. Hopefully Vi will only be homeless again for a couple months at most, but I feel like I'm starting to lose some of the ground I've been gaining this year.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby beramode0 » 11 Oct 2012, 17:53

Your response was appropriate. Also come here foxmar *hugs*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 13 Oct 2012, 23:15

Just need to vent ...

I feel like every single time I fall into a slump it's just getting worse and worse and I know the reason why too.

I finished my studies at the end of this year's spring, and since then I've been doing a lot of housework to make up for the fact that I haven't been studying or working, but I need to get a job I need to, but I ... I procrastinate a lot of the time, and that makes me angry with myself. Not only that when I finally get myself to stop procrastinating and get ready to head out on town with a bunch of CVs so that I can hand them out while looking for vacant jobs ... I just, it's as if this wall appears in my head and I just have such problems walking out the doorway and getting on with it. It gets so bad that I just want to sit in a corner and cry and I ... I get so angry with myself for being so pathetic and weak and letting my social anxiety get to myself so much.

If I don't go out there and look for work and move myself forward my depressive slumps will just continue getting worse, and I'll hate myself more and more. So why can't I step out that damn doorway and just do it? It's not hard, so why is it so hard for me?

I'm gonna stop being pathetic now.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 14 Oct 2012, 12:36

@Van :( *hugs*

I know how you feel Deedles. You're constantly screaming at yourself to just do it, but nothing happens. Have you tried CBT? I found that helped me somewhat.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 14 Oct 2012, 14:30

Funnily enough I'm actually planning to call the local clinic tomorrow morning about getting an appointment for CBT.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 14 Oct 2012, 16:52

I can't make it better and it's killing me, but if I show any sign of it, it just makes him feel worse.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby auberginequeen » 14 Oct 2012, 22:29

I'm a miserable cunt because I don't like where I am right now at all and I'm terrified of where I'm heading but I'm too cowardly to change any of it or tell anyone what I actually want.

... Huh, certainly more succinct than my first draft. I'm getting better at this.

Also @Fayili - I know that feel bro. I'm in no position to give advice about anything so I won't, but I know that feel, and I know it'll turn out okay somehow. You are Fayili after all - the rules of the universe don't apply to you. *hugs*
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby The Mimm » 15 Oct 2012, 08:36

Hugs to everyone in this thread.
I've been off meds for, like, 2 weeks now and I'm worried that my depression might not be depression anymore. Whatever it is, it goes away when I'm on the meds, but it's... different. Before, when I was off (just realised I should explain, I only go off meds because I'm unorganised and never remember to set up a doctor's appointment before I run out) it was like there was this black cloud floating around behind me, and when I didn't keep moving or talking or doing then it would catch up with me and wrap me up in its gloomy thunderstorm.

But now it's... it's not so "other". It's like, I'll be minding my own and suddenly be in backwards land where everything is shit and I dig my nails an inch into the skin on my arm because I don't want to cut. And then it'll go away, and I'm back to normal. It's like... like I'm walking over a swamp, and occasionally breathe in a load of fumes.

Is that normal? Is that a good development, or a bad one?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby 2stepz » 15 Oct 2012, 08:53

Foxmar wrote:"INSERT FAMILY RANT HERE"


Hear hear. As the goodie-two-shoes academic, the only one in my family with a 4 year degree (or more), and the only one who left the 2 county area in which the family is centered... All I can say is YEP! I've started referring to myself as the only white sheep of the family.

I love them... but I'm NOT them. I don't fit there, as much as my psyche tends to think I should. I don't fit anywhere really... and that's the most depressing part of all.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 16 Oct 2012, 04:03

I am being insecure about my lack of romantic and sexual experience again.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 20 Oct 2012, 23:34

Lord Chrusher wrote:I am being insecure about my lack of romantic and sexual experience again.


I know that feel, friend.

Folks are getting rid of their dog. Kinda feel bad about it. I don't like the dog, and he's been causing a lot of problems (has fleas we can't get rid of, has been peeing in the house, barks at night at nothing, etc). But at the same time I'm worried he won't get adopted again and will be put down. I don't care for him, but at the same time I do like him in a weird way and as such I worry for him. Plus I know it's going to be really hard for my father, who's grown attached to him. :(

Also selling a decent chunk of my Magic collection to help get some money for my PAX East trip. Most of it isn't anything I'm using, but some of it was (namely a couple thragtusk, a couple huntmasters, and an entreat). Good cards that I like. But since I can get $15-20 for them after fees... well, that's a decent amount of money for cards I can replace with other decent stuff.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 21 Oct 2012, 00:08

Selling to a person, or online?
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 21 Oct 2012, 07:41

Online. The card thing isn't that depressing since it's not like I'm being forced to do it. It's more just something that bothers me when I do it. *shrug* I think I'm a bit of a hoarder.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 21 Oct 2012, 09:13

Liiiiiiiink?
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 21 Oct 2012, 10:06

Image

:p

I would, but I'm not sure it's against forum rules or something to post links like that.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Master Gunner » 21 Oct 2012, 11:22

It is not against any forum rules, especially when asked by a lady.

(For the purposes of this forum, everyone counts as a lady)
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 21 Oct 2012, 12:06

-
Last edited by Kapol on 25 Oct 2012, 10:29, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 21 Oct 2012, 13:26

Some of us are more ladylike than others.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby SecretsOfMoon » 21 Oct 2012, 13:39

Whether it's more insane than depressed, I've had a clinical diagnosis for such, and I might as well go full throttle. A number of logical fallacies and a length of ranting, rising from severe depression may follow:

How is it possible for a reasonably intelligent and logical person such as myself to be attracted to both moral and mystic evil? I know myself to be fascinated about many usually negative things, various psychological disorders, antisocial behaviour, unconventional aesthetics such as rust and dirt, various kinds of decoherence and dissonance, so perhaps it is just another extent of the said continuum. What I find myself worried over is, whether the fascination stems from naivéte, or cynic depravity. If it is the former, then it comes from, in essence, idealism, which then should be logically be rejected as absurd nonsense. Thus the latter seems more likely, even if the seeds had been planted by a more innocent self, the result still is the descent of the cynic into moral hedonism. Yet somehow, I find myself not entirely convinced. On sleepless nights such as this one, these things gnaw on the remains of one's sanity.

At this point one might try to better define the meaning of evil. What separates malice from evil? Is evil purely theological term? Does evil even require conscious thought and intent? I would try to establish my idea of evil as essentially conscious anti-human, anti-establishment and anti-cosmic intent. The cosmic part, admittedly does little to clarify, but the cosmos in this case would be rather than being about the matter of space-time, about the subconscious and spiritual order and coherence.

Why then, would one hate and despise such things, this seems highly illogical and counter-productive? But then again, I haven't exactly proven to be a productive person, so perhaps it's a matter of "victory or death" thinking that emerges at the most morbid of moments. All this also seems to tie into the the matters of abandoning reality and destruction of the self. Hatred and despise for myself I have discovered over several years to have become some of the most defining characteristics in my thought and behaviour, the destruction of all that would for my own good has become almost completely non-conscious, a simple matter of instinct. And thus, the idea that the attraction to evil is simply another facet of the matter, as abhorrent it is, cannot be left without consideration. The fact that evil, as I have it defined, is fascinating as a matter of the conscious mind certainly speaks against the theory of instinctual self-destruction as the motivator for evil, but the subtleties of the sub-conscious could very well have things merely seem so. It would seem then, that the objective truth of the matter is out of reach, which ought to make the matter at hand not worth examining in it's current state. And yet, as I can easily reason why one shouldn't be directed towards evil, why am I then?

At the most abstract level what would appear to motivate myself towards evil are abandon, catharsis, aggression, wrath, release from the "shackles of civility" as they were, in other words, to become a beast, to become one with LaVey's Satan.
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CtMolloy
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby CtMolloy » 24 Oct 2012, 00:30

I was just told by someone that me finding her attractive is disgusting.

Bah. Didn't want that confidence anyway.
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